Photons on the Prostate - Three Things I Wish I'd Known

Full Disclosure

Despite what you read in this blog, I believe the choice to undergo hypofractionated radiotherapy as my treatment option for malignant adenocarcinoma of the prostate gland (prostate cancer) was the right choice.

After the ordeal of a prostate cancer diagnosis, gruelling radiotherapy, and years of dealing with lingering side effects, you would think I am done with reading up on issues around prostate gland health.

Now, I am glad to say it was caught early. I believe I received as good care and support as could be given by advisory and medical teams, and I am convinced that I chose the best medical outcome for my situation.

3 Hidden Problems With Radiation Treatment for Prostate Cancer
© The Prostate Clinic

Unsolicited Advice and Misinformation

In the same vein, I am usually offered tips, hints, and advice about prostate health; mostly information shared on social media, none peer-reviewed by experts in either urology or oncology to prove their efficacy. The impressions are mostly anecdotal.

My father, for instance, has mostly been swindled or scammed by snake oil salesmen offering miracle potions to treat his prostate problems that medical science has been at pains to prove he ever had. We are left humouring him when it might be prudent to sternly upbraid him. He is educated and had a high-profile professional life; he should know better.

The Prostate Clinic Revelations

Recently, I have been following The Prostate Clinic, a YouTube channel hosted by Dr Charles Chabert, a urologist in Queensland, Australia, and it has taken a few days to properly digest what he had to say.

In July 2024, I met with consultants in surgery and radiotherapy for prostate cancer. Later, I spoke to a support worker at Prostate Cancer UK who opined I should opt for Active Surveillance or Watchful Waiting over the active treatment suggested at diagnosis. Even after reading up on extensive material and sharing my journey in a series of blogs, I had to manage my consumption of information to avoid being overwhelmed into stasis.

The Question of Sufficient Information

The question then becomes: how much more information, detail, reports, studies, and research should one access before knowing without any shadow of doubt you are making the right decision, all things being equal?

You are told so much going into treatment but not nearly enough about the aftermath, it would seem.

Three Hidden Problems

The Australian urologist addressed the aftereffects of radiotherapy on the prostate that could leave you concerned about several things, of which sexual dysfunction has been a recent blog topic. He called them “3 Hidden Problems With Radiation Treatment for Prostate Cancer”, suggesting why we should not opt for radiotherapy.

When the prostate gland is irradiated, it could damage the surrounding tissue connected to the bowel (radiation proctitis, very graphic, the pictures can cause distress) and bladder (radiation cystitis) systems. Irradiating the prostate gland shrinks, scars, and can make it fibrotic, leading to two other consequences: limited salvage options or progressively reduced sexual function.

Complications and Salvage Treatments

Complications might arise if there is a local recurrence of cancer, making salvage activity quite difficult. This portends more impactful consequences for the patient and radical alternatives for bowel movements. Salvage treatments are better managed post-surgery than post-radiotherapy, where options are severely limited.

The state of the prostate gland after irradiation means that sexual function will increasingly diminish. This touches on erectile dysfunction and reduced ejaculatory performance. These are weighty matters that make you wonder if you had known all this before you commenced treatment, whether you would have made that choice.

Managing Side Effects

Again, the issue with choosing any treatment comes down to how you perceive you can manage the side effects. For surgery, they are immediate, whilst for radiotherapy they are progressive.

The possible loss of total sexual function, because the consultant surgeon had already indicated my prostate was too enlarged to guarantee the salvage of any nerves, immediately made that option a non-starter. I was not going to wait and see what a malignancy was going to do in my body through Active Surveillance; it would never have been an option for me.

My Choice

Choosing radical radiotherapy was the most comfortable choice in my circumstances. Though having an additional prayer point before I had my prostate gland zapped might have made this discovery less of a surprise and caused less concern.

Ultimately, I believe I did the right thing and will make the best of the good fortune I have to enjoy life and write better stories, with cancer behind me. I thank God.

Check your Prostate Cancer risk in 30 seconds.

Blog - Men's things XXXI: Can Intimacy Be Reclaimed After Prostate Cancer?

Blog – Photons on the Prostate - A year from starting radiotherapy

Blog - A prostate cancer diagnosis, one year on

Blog - Men's things - Prostate Cancer blogs

A Google NotebookLM AI Audio Overview Discussion of this blog

Lazy January is a call to change

Resolved not to resolve

I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions quite a while ago, not out of the lack of discipline to stick to a resolution but for the fact that the self-flagellation that follows any such decision is more brutal and guilt-ridden than necessary.

Whilst times, dates, and seasons offer much to reflect on and deliberate with some self-awareness of the lacking and the possible, any day can be chosen to resolve to do anything without becoming a hostage to fortune.

For instance, some people have attached themselves to the Dry January campaign, the resolve to keep the month alcohol-free until I saw some making exceptions for one thing or the other, and soon, the dry had become wetter than a fish in water. Exceptions and adjustments matter in terms of the inadvertent or the unexpected, the ability to accommodate variance makes for a better-rounded personality.

Stepping off the steps

However, it was when I checked my Huawei Health app to see if I was doing something as regularly as I had somewhat thought of doing but in the review was hardly even getting anywhere that I realised I have had a Lazy January. I had only exceeded 10,000 steps twice in the month, I could not bear to step on the weighing scales to see the numbers and I have gained a bit more to the circumference of my midriff as my belt would appear to suggest.

This is not what I expected as I had reached my lowest weight in over a decade just some 4 months ago. I have to do better, as my resting heart rate has increased and my blood pressure is reading numbers I have not seen in a while. Just some exercise should fix that.

My maternity issues again

The other cause for concern is anaemia because of Vitamin B12 and folate deficiency (Yes, we all need folic acid, not just pregnant women.), this is something that appeared in the bloodwork from about 5 years ago. Not enough of it is getting in from my diet and the risk of peripheral neuropathy with its otherworldly feel is so strange. The feeling of intense pain at the back of the hand with numbness in the phalanges, and yet you can move your fingers with all dexterity, I might just give my doctor a call for injections instead.

One thing I have meditated about and quite resolved to do is to get back to walking again. Any dog that dares to approach me I will rebuke in the name of Jesus, I have no time for being nice to dogs out of control. Those who as I saw this morning seem to think their XL Bully dogs do not need to be on a leash and muzzled as the law requires are soon to have a tragedy of many proportions.

Let’s get to being fitter and healthier, for no other reason than it gladdens the heart, and you feel hale and hearty. We are consigning both the Dry and the Lazy January to the dustbin of irrelevance. Just be good to yourself loving yourselves each day.

Related Blogs

Blog - Resolutions unlimited (December 2003)

Blog - Happy New Year - 2007 (January 2007)

Blog - New Year's Considerations (January 2008)

Blog - Folate, I must, lactate, I can't (June 2017)

A red hat in Paris

My heart in Paris

Paris, a city I know like the back of my hand and have not had the opportunity to visit since November 2018. Now, I do transit through Charles de Gaulle Airport, but that is another story. The truth is I miss Paris, the café culture, and my seat on the first floor of Café Beaubourg watching onto the front of the Georges Pompidou Centre, that I have never visited, as the world goes by.

That view I have cherished for 21 years, a place of memories and much else, for some friends have departed or fallen apart, and this apart from those from whom one receives no alerts of conversation or communication anymore.

A walk of life

Stepping out of Café Beaubourg after brunch, I bear left onto Rue Saint-Merri, cross Rue Saint-Martin which as certain times host venues of excitable pleasures with strangers and then I am at a milliner’s where every colour of hat exists to challenge your daring. That is where I eventually decided, the day after on a red pork-pie hat.

I put the hat I was wearing in the bag and stepped out with this callout of brilliance that elicited commentary every few steps I took, I was looking good and feeling just as good too. Then on to Boulevard de Sebastopol past Place du Chatelet, down the ramp to the north side of the Seine and a walk westwards towards Pont Neuf where I found a seat to observe the river traffic, take in the winter sun and some photographs too.

You can’t have not

One of such photographs became the source of a compliment, my outfit with the red hat according to him, he loved, and I looked really cool. I acknowledged and asked if he was doing well too. He was preparing for the day and out of interest asked where the picture was taken which gave life to my knowledge of Paris.

To my concealed shock, he had never visited Paris nor been around Europe though he planned to do a bit of travel before he was 50. Now, I can understand people planning for adventures and exploration at a later point in life, taking it as a given. For instance, he had another 12 years to fulfil those desires, if we are sure of things, times, and terms.

The time for travel is now

I have learnt, the only time we have is the moment called now, the past is gone, the future uncertain, so we are left asking the question, what are we doing with the now? It is where I suddenly get philosophical because it is necessary to have things in perspective.

Any time you get to do travel, do it, do not wait for a time you might think is convenient. I am 55 and thankfully 12 years after cancer which at prognosis only gave me 5 weeks to live if my physiology could not tolerate the treatment. Before that illness, I thought myself inviolable and invincible.

Banish the spectre of regret

Whilst not trying to sound morbid, the time we have for anything is now and what we must not waste the now on is to set ourselves up for a future of regrets at what we could have done. It is the same thinking I had at the end of 2018 when at one point I was undecided about going on holiday to South Africa until I caught myself thinking, if I did not travel, I might well regret it.

I did travel and I met Brian with whom I hope someday to visit Paris and see the sights that have enthralled me. Too many people have options and opportunities before them, but they, out of the embarrassment of choices and an inkling of self-worth set themselves on for the prospects and possibilities ignoring what is at hand. I hope they can reset their course before no option is available, those opportunities are lost and the possibilities they dared to dream of shatter into shards of regret.

No prophet would come into your indecision, but you will hear some voices and some advice as good as prophecy, now for the discernment to make that move and make it count.

Paris by the Seine - February 2017

Sitting here in limbo

A right old mess

I guess the song that might become an earworm without even having played it back or heard it in decades is Sitting In Limbo from Jimmy Cliff’s Another Cycle album released in 1971. It catches the zeitgeist like no other situation that might evince today.

In the strangest matter of coincidence with the dead hand of bureaucracy, a contract renewal is anything but, the spirit of the environment is willing, but the letter of the situation is an interminable chain of decisions, committees, assessments, and conclusions. Each a variable of unquantifiable measurement in days or requirements that the result might well not be bet on.

Nobody knows the plot

That is how, as this engagement ends with the prospect of our return, though we cannot say for how long, when for or whether at all the farewells should be said or deferred. Sitting here in limbo of events completely outside our control because needs must in the hands of those who see process rather than people and the extended effects on their lives, livelihoods, and humanity, we have become birds without songs.

Yet, we must not despair, for even in the midst and quagmire of uncertainty, limbo is a place of transition, as the music is on repeat playback in my head, these words, “Well, they're putting up a resistance, But I know that my faith will lead me on.”

House watch type sea

The revisions of decisions

The luxury of being spoilt for choice can sometimes be a handicap to making decisions. You are presented with options and variations, reviews and options, desires and dislikes that you find yourself wrestling between opportunity and regret.

When you have wide-ranging choices out of affordability and not limited by available resource, other elements come in to play. For instance, when I was shopping for an apartment literally 20 years ago, the issue was not if I could afford it, it was whether after the choice was made, I will be happy with it when compared with other places, I viewed in the process.

Having a good feel

It came down to gut feeling, the place I chose was still occupied, it felt lived in, the departing occupants were friendly, nice, and accommodating, I warmed to the property the first time I saw it compared to the other empty shells that left me undecided and nonplussed. They all looked like hard work when the place I bought presented good ideas on how I would like to live there.

I visited the neighbourhood one evening and made enquiries at the Blockbuster store nearby about the feel and safety of the area, it got to a point that I could not think of living elsewhere, my mind was made up and I enjoyed 10 and half years there.

The tick-tock of time

Recently, I have been thinking of getting a new wristwatch, it has not been easy, and I am nowhere near being able to choose what I want. I have basic requirements, a watch without a busy face, with day and date, self-powered, and with a perpetual calendar. Alas! Every watch I have seen has more dials than an old nuclear power station, I do not need to know my altitude or how far below sea level I need to get before I have a drowning reflex. I just want the time without having to tweedled knobs and dials.

Extend this to getting a laptop and it is a mess, one look at the reviews, and every endearing feature is lost to the tales of woe standing out with just one star. You are left weighing all sorts of options that weeks after, you are none the wiser. Let us not talk of the watch, I have been on this Aegean treadmill for the best part of three years.

Maybe not now

At the turn of the year, I was looking for an apartment in Cape Town to spend the last 10 days of our holiday, we could have extended our stay where we were but decided on trying somewhere different. That was fraught with all sorts of disbenefits, location, safety at night, ease of travel, cost of the deposit, and user reviews. The longer we left it, the fewer the choices we had. Eventually, we just had to go for it, and it was a good choice.

Sometimes, the surfeit of choice is a warning to move on, give it time and hone your requirements to what really meets your needs. If you do not have to decide limited by resource, opportunity, or time, then you are not under duress and you do not have to create undue pressure on yourself. Maybe, you need something completely different, that is what breaking away allows, and with an open mind, you might acquire the unexpected which turns out to be the best.

Thought Picnic: My foolishness in floodlights

Being plainly human

We are as humans most capable of stupidity and carelessness in the selfish pursuit of pleasures and desires. Indulging in such might bring personal satisfaction but it can adversely affect others, by distress or upset, we risk doing much harm to those closest to us.

Essentially, the frustrations are alarm bells of other unexplained turmoil for which desperation can present bad options and rotten choices. The path out requires a completely new mindset with a direction to achievable goals. Talk about it and seek help too.

There can be consequences for making the wrong choices out of impatience and or being inconsiderate. You then hope that it does not end in regret, with much remorse, you plead hoping to mend your ways. It begins with saying, I am sorry and working to rebuild trust and confidence from the fundamentals. A chance offered to write a better story.

Thought Picnic: The changing dynamic of familial allegiances

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Beyond the conventional

There comes a time when you can no more think for just one, even though for such a long time, anytime I have been asked about my family, I have answered, I have a large family of one.

One person can be a family, just as a family can be traditional, extended or unconventional, and I have been in all of those to different degrees with experiences and influences that are extensive.

That one has not followed the convention of the traditional family setting does not mean that the individual does not have responsibilities and obligations to keep their own concept of the family unit intact, safe, provided for and secure. There is sometimes that misconception that the absence of dependants means the commitment of means and resources to demands and requirements of others following the traditional family concept.

Assumptions taking liberties

Obviously, in terms of numbers, there is probably more to distribute towards achieving much for the comfort and liberties of the singular, but it cannot be imposed as a duty, just because the person for reason of circumstance, opportunity or fate has not conformed to the heteronormative mindset.

The contemporary family unit now respects no conventions, what is adopted is what is found suitable for the individual or partners in that construct. The composition is fluid as well as committed and decisions that concern that unit then must take all parties into consideration, for partners and dependants alike.

The extended family becomes peripheral to that family unit, their requirements and demands, secondary to the focus needed to maintain family unit cohesion.

Setting your family goals

This can become a source of conflict, if certain do feel ignored or left behind, it might occasion emotional blackmail and put to test the matter of allegiances.

You can love and care for your blood relatives, but in the matter of spousal relationships and the development of those into your own family unit, there should be no question as to with whom loyalties lie, where faithfulness matters and to whom the greater devotion must be found.

It could be a tough course to navigate, but the person with whom you choose to spend life together on matters of the heart and things that evolve from therein must know that they come first and above in the scheme of things.

When you’re in this together

In the evolving commitment within relationships, you begin to affirm a few things, like, we’re in the love together, we grow interdependent of each other, decisions require the consideration of the partner, and for the elimination of any doubt, what each person does is done with the mind that affects both in the relationship and consequently, all around that relationship.

That is the confidence those in that family unit need to have, that progress is a lock-step activity of persuasion and conviction, communication and information, assurance and endurance, and, encouragement and affirmation. Whether it be a large family of one or any other viable construct of relationships that matter to the people involved.

This is my life, this is me

[]

Things I would not brook

There are a few places where I would brook no intrusion, the violation of my space and where I am being treated with disrespect. In both cases, I would tend to take remedial action before my dignity, integrity and sense of well-being suffer.

Only a few months ago, I welcomed a close relation to Facebook and even celebrated it with a blog as I usually write about the serious and the mundane. In my writings, I could sometimes be circumspect or nuanced but never misunderstood.

I have a broad social media presence from the professional, which is LinkedIn to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and my blog in order of longevity. I used to have my tweets automatically feed into Facebook, but that facility was removed my Facebook over a year ago. I, however, do have my Instagram posts feed directly into Facebook and Twitter.

My decisions, my terms

In the space of just under three months, I am back in South Africa for business as much as for leisure, my previous visit gave me an opportunity that I wanted to explore further including the accident of meeting someone with whom we agreed to begin a relationship together.

Whilst I appreciate my life straddles the old world and the new, an age of ignorance through into one of enlightenment, I can understand some people like some of my parent's generation would get left behind even if technology forces them to interact with a world quite radically different from the one in which they had been raised.

For over three decades I have made my own decisions in terms of my expression, my career, my choices, my partners and much else. I am grateful to many who have encouraged, supported, celebrated, and rewarded me as my journey of life has become a tapestry of stories. I would easily make friends rather than enemies, my philosophy is for the peaceful coexistence of living and letting live.

Ancient and modern in one life

Social media provides a platform of varied expression, I have neither stepped away from controversy nor frankness of view, in many cases, I would either mind my own business or keep my counsel. It allows for you to make acquaintances with the broadest range of opinions, ideas, people and things, knowledge is a good thing, and understanding how to use it is a better thing.

Then, last night, I had to run the gauntlet of this comment posted to a status that was fed to Facebook from Instagram. I have edited the text from a proofreader’s perspective, but the context and the import remain unchanged. “The earliest you make a good change in your lifestyle the better, it is not too late. All the best.” This, without doubt, came from someone who I can sympathise has my interests at heart, God bless them, as much as it is intrusive and completely unnecessary.

This is not a lifestyle, this is life

I can only guess as to what aspect of my lifestyle is being referred to as in the old world, the expression of sexuality is a lifestyle choice as opposed to an innate state of being that professionals and a growing public, a majority of whom are in the West have now better understand with systems and processes put to place protect the rights and liberties of people who have a sexual orientation not common with the majority populace.

Indeed, if this were a lifestyle, it would have been easy to adopt another, and as one wrestles with the issues and complexities of extracting oneself from influences and travails of that lifestyle life stopping smoking or the consumption of alcohol one can find better outcomes in life. Sexuality is not a lifestyle, it is a lived experience that in childhood has left any confused and conflicted, as one grew you questioned your sanity and normalcy whilst secretly seeking some expression of it, unsure of whether there was anyone else like you.

If you came from a religious background, that worsened your sense of unease, you’re found in a cycle of seeking cures for ailments that do not exist. The psychological trauma, angst, and guilt weigh heavily on you. Even if you live in countries where the freedom to express yourself exists, you still find you are not really that free and those of a heterosexual persuasion have been in the main.

Coming to terms with my own struggle

You find common cause with others like you and grow in confidence within communities you have formed to promote your interests, the need to be who you are without fear of persecution or violence in every sphere of life has been achieved in some societies whilst it is criminalised in others.

Something natural happens, someone comes into your life offering companionship beyond friendship, a life of happiness and support with fulfilment. We all have the capacity for love regardless of gender pairing or sexuality. I dare say, that is celebrated in some instances and condemned in others. I could have satisfied the needs of my society to follow certain heteronormative choices, found a girl, married, had children, and lived a lie, but I didn’t.

I made a solemn oath to myself that I would not complicate another person’s life with my issues, they are tough enough to deal with without messing up other lives living on the down-low. Imagine my difficulty, I once had a relationship that lasted 7 years, but never could share with my family, my happiness and fulfilment.

Then another who I so loved and might have had the opportunity to build a life with died suddenly, neither could I share my bereavement and sorrow with my family in the middle of recovering from cancer. I am sorry, these experiences are not lifestyle choices, they are long and enduring events of my life.

It is life, it might be different, it might be unconventional, it is not a disorder and definitely not a lifestyle. Being homosexual is NOT a lifestyle.

My life is mine to live

I sympathise with those who would have preferred a parallel universe of assumed norms for me, but that universe would contain the same diversity. You do not choose your sexuality; your sexuality is part of who you are whether you decide to express it and live your life to the full or conceal it and live a limited version of yourself.

I have been circumspect, I have not been out to everyone I have encountered, some of my family do already know, others, it is on a need-to-know basis. At work, from as far back as the 1990s, I have not concealed the fact that I am gay or in a relationship, I have been respected for my candour and have never been adversely affected by the revelation of it. Amongst most of my managers, I have found allies. I am grateful for all that.

In this season, I found love, and I intend to pursue it fully for my happiness and well-being, it is part of why I returned to South Africa, to meet up with my new love and explore the opportunities we can have of life together. I do not intend to live in the shadows about this and I can understand it would make some uncomfortable. I am not here to live the life and expectations of others, but my own life and the happiness that fortune has gifted me in the process.

In view of the comment that was posted to my Facebook status which was a second infraction of what I would not brook being violated, I made one decision, if the person who feels so concerned about my lifestyle disapproves of it, it is best to spare them the inconvenience of my social media persona as a happy gay man with his partner. This is my life, this is me, and I will not sacrifice it for anyone. I have blocked the said person on all my social media accounts, that person is my father.

Walking away

I can walk away,
If there isn’t much to say,
I will live another day,
It’s not the end when you say nay,
To hesitate is to delay,
The pain that wants to stay.

I will walk away,
We’ve said all we need to say,
If we meet another day,
Without again having to say nay,
Let’s us not delay,
The parting that’s come to stay.

I have walked away,
When there was nothing left to say,
I found a better day,
With one who won’t say nay,
I will not delay,
A deeper care that wills to stay.

Thought Picnic: Twenty Five Years from Nigeria

A decision for change

Twenty-five years ago today, I boarded a Nigeria Airways flight with a one-way ticket from Nigeria to England. It is strange that I came to such a decision in the space of not more than seven weeks.

As a partner in a desktop publishing firm, I had only returned from the UK, 4 weeks before, after a two-week business trip that was more than an eye-opener about the opportunities I could have in the UK.

Of the many exciting jobs I was doing in Nigeria, most of the people I sealed contracts with, gave me the comfort of appreciating the skill I brought to bear within their businesses and in that acknowledged that expertise with a commensurate and sometimes generous compensation.

A law onto himself

The one person I had issues with was an egotistical, megalomaniac of a lawyer who through whatever levers he was able to pull was a director of the United Bank for Africa and besides his legal practice had a traditional printing press, my role was to introduce desktop publishing to reduce the turnaround time from orders to finished product.

However, for all that was able to offer in that setting, for which I owned 30% of the company, he just could not get his head around the fact that I was half his age, never obsequious and though respectful, quite irreverent.

This caused unnecessary tensions between us that he callously took out on my staff that for me the situation became untenable. Beyond that, I had to run the gauntlet of rent-seekers who always thought they deserved a cut from contractual fees, for just knowing that I had won a contract and I was getting paid.

A tumultuous existence

In another area, I was being blackmailed for who I was, then elsewhere, people seemingly pulling strings on my behalf to continue my education in Nigeria, got them tangled in unexplained processes, it began to look like I could jettison everything I was doing in Nigeria and seek to start a new life abroad.

I guess, it all came to a head when my so-called partner threw money across the table towards me, I took exception to that disrespectful behaviour that I told him, “You don’t give a 24-year old 30% of a company and then think that is the pinnacle of achievement, I will throw it away and start all over again.” That is what I did.

The action plan

In the four weeks of December leading to my departure, I obtained the Entitlement to the Right of Abode, which took three weeks to obtain considering the waiting list for a full British passport was 18 months long, got my one-way ticket, handed over my contracts to my deputy and bid the people who mattered goodbye.

I had in two weeks towards the end of November during my visit to the UK, learnt that I had knowledge and skills for a market hungry for people who knew what they were doing. I could think of the number of times I demonstrated the utility of a product to sales staff who were supposed to know better.

How I viewed it

On that day, the 30^th of December 1990, I left home with a bag and probably about £20, gathered my closest friends who saw me off at the airport and waited to board my flight which was to take-off at 11:00 AM, it was delayed, we eventually lifted off at 3:00 PM.

In many ways, that trip meant different things to different people, and whilst their concerns were valid in the context of their opinions, mine was simply this, I am returning to the land of my birth, I am more comfortable in the England about what I know and can get a headway with that and that there was a future ahead of me, if I was determined enough to seize it.

Where my mind was

My arrival in England was met with conflicting advice from different quarters, however, I am happy that I joined up with a crowd that not only believed in me but did everything to encourage me in getting on my own two feet and making a successful life in the UK.

It is interesting that I left Nigeria with literally no sense of nostalgia except for certain cravings for the cuisine many years later. Yet, the truth is for all the time I spent in Nigeria, I was always treated like an outsider, in a way, I never followed any of the rules, the norms or the customs, invariably, it also meant I was excused from adherence in certain ways, except where elements of coercion came into play to force me to toe the line.

Of freedom and independence

The greatest freedom that came with my leaving Nigeria was the ability to stop the interference of many who seemed to hold sway over decisions I wanted to make. That sense of independence that came with leaving Nigeria and starting all over again has been a constant refrain in my life, either in moving countries or surviving cancer.

In all those years, I am thankful to all that have held me in their thoughts, in prayer, in action, in advice, in support, in friendship, in mentoring and many other innumerable areas. Things have not been perfect, but I cannot relive the past with a future ahead of me. I cannot live a different life from what I have now, but I can live what I have to the best of the abilities and blessings that come my way.

Chart your course and make it sure, then come back and tell a story.

Thought Picnic: Je ne regrette rien

I did

I used to care, I used to care a lot, give allowances and give due consideration. Whilst much of my actions might not have shown as much as I would have wanted to show, I kept my handicaps to myself and presented a façade of normalcy in the midst of turmoil.

Away, distant and almost estranged, I wandered into a wilderness of stark reality as my life flashed before me, there was too much pain to even think of the sentence that was upon me, no opportunity to close the books if the end came swiftly, I listened, prayed, hoped and persevered.

I lived

Persevered in a foreign land, away from all but friend and neighbour that stuck closer than blood to nurse me back to health and wellbeing.

To health and wellbeing I did get, but everything else I lost, yet I neither quibbled nor complained, I thought and strove, hungered and struggled, my confidence at its lowest, my knowledge and skill falling behind the times, I attended interview after interview with no luck but the refrain that I was no more good enough for what I was once best at.

I gave

Allowances I have made without encumbrance, much respect I have offered to many after me because as individuals they have grown and in my absence I believed I had no right to order or command, I just advised. Many times, my seemingly good advice fell on deaf ears because in their eyes I was probably inconsequential except in special cases where means made me amenable.

I opened my hands and opened my heart, yet in my singular existence I thought the thoughts of all, cried in my loneliness and saddened by my infirmity and my inadequacies, I was almost forlorn.

I’m done

In the midst of this, truculence, recalcitrance, obduracy and intransigence came to the point where it will no more be condoned. I withdrew contact and communication, in that I also withdrew support and this is a decision I have made because it was the only one left to be made.

Can I be cold-blooded? Yes, I can, not by default but by situation and circumstance within which I have lost the emotion and the last hold that anyone can use to rein me in – Blackmail!

I have found self and selfishness, most of all, I have reached a point of rationalisation, the actions I have taken, I will not regret.

Requirements of requirements

Finding the requirements

Any situation requires that we appreciate what the requirements are and so we asked for the requirements. As we discussed what the requirements might be, we ended up with someone else creating requirements that did not look like the requirements we thought the requirements should be.

The requirements are simple. We simply require the requirements that are required. Without such requirements it becomes almost impossible to determine those that are required without initial exposure to such requirements. I require the requirements that are required in order to fully appreciate the requirements.

[Paragraph from comment by Gareth Terry on Facebook.]

However, because no requirements were forthcoming, we defaulted to a set of requirements that were the requirements of a different list of requirements detailed in the requirements of another entity.

There we were, completely exasperated, how hard could knowing your requirements be?

Using any requirements

That became the requirements from where hopefully after testing they would eventually see if their requirements are met or they can be forced to clearly state what their requirements are and by so doing, we would have the requirements we should have had in the first place.

As we progressed, we began to see unforeseen requirements, the requirements that extended the narrow scope of requirements they assumed were fulfilled, but now glaringly were never considered requirements that anyone would immediately appreciate are the fundamental requirements of any set of requirements.

Maybe these requirements

Requirements are an active and determined set of requirements because requirements cannot be divined as chances or the preponderance of luck, though we would be lucky if at the end of the day, any of the requirements where we cannot see the clear usage that demands those requirements would result in requirements that meet the requirements that are the best requirements for the requirements of the situation.

Nonetheless, the requirements would be organic and through trial, testing, iteration and review, we would have some requirements and they might well be good enough.

New requirements just released. We are to first produce a time machine, talk about changing the goal posts.

[Paragraph from comment by Gareth Terry on Facebook.]

Thought Picnic: Fix the road and leave the wheel alone

Wheeling and dealing

Caught between the choices for the path forward, one is left looking for analogies to properly encapsulate the situation and hopefully persuade the decision makers of the best course.

I have moved beyond the concept of reinventing the wheel, it cannot be made any rounder than it is, it is a circle, and that is a closed discussion.

Probably there is a case for reviewing the materials used in the manufacture of the wheel, but that also after thousands of years of evolution, testing, change and review leaves us with the best wheels ever made in the history of man.

A little strengthening, probably for resilience and all terrain use that resists wear and tear is not necessarily ground-breaking stuff, rather it would for the inventor just be a differentiating selling point.

Fix the road

The next thing to consider is the road, the path, the way the wheel bearing load would travel and the comfort that it offers.

Much can be done about roads, and I have come to the conclusion that when the road is rough you work on the road and not on the wheel. Working on the road offers a broader advantage to every road user than working on the wheel would.

This is the kind of thinking that should go towards solving technical problems too. Understand what the wheel is and what the road is and act accordingly.

Thought Picnic: My mind is made up

Avoiding impending danger

The need to grab myself at the scruff of the neck and determine that circumstances will not become the determining force of decisions I end up making to the detriment of my welfare and well-being is paramount.

It has been a long week of events that have left me determined not to be ruled by the expediency of an offer that places me in the bowels of an organisation that is suffering rapid reputational decline and the flight of loyalty.

Large as that enterprise might be the events of the last week where their main readership product was abruptly withdrawn to stem the tide of opprobrium and righteous indignation means that those who were last in have every likelihood to be the first out and those who have not even started need to check their options and prospects before boarding the Titanic after it kissed the iceberg.

Digging in at home

The Netherlands has a greater draw for me than I realise after 11 years of making home and life here, my health is of the utmost importance and I find that the interaction, engagement, empathy and listening makes for helping the recovery process include a good deal of your involvement.

The prospect the UK offers if not all that great, it can meet the immediate issues for recurrent outgoings but cannot mend the breach that has been created by only having had an effective 8 months of employment out of 26 months – all a result of a long bout of illness and the economic situation.

The strain the prospects for this new job puts on oneself is unhealthy, with not relocation assistance one cannot afford to maintain an existence in two countries and really one cannot close down the existence in the current one in a matter of just 2 weeks.

My red lines and no further

The background checks have gone beyond reasonable requests for information to unpalatable intrusions as detail bank accounts and medical prescriptions it has become the classic case of the worship of cows for the providence of a juicy steak – those are my red lines, they will not be negotiated.

It however gave me the confidence to send a final letter of appeal to my old professional network for which I got a few encouraging responses as well as messages of regret that I might depart the Netherlands for an uncertain and uncomfortable return to where I felt I had given the complete heave-ho.

The visit to my medical consultant was quite favourable and that was followed by my first therapy session where the doctor assured me that I was in no way depressed, only anxious and in need of the opportunity to use professional services to help resolve the knotty areas of confusion, uncertainty, indecision and direction.

Ready for good times again

There are prospects for new opportunities and at least one interview for which I must be prepared to show that I know my stuff and can be very useful.

I suppose my mind is more or less made up and that is thanks to friends who gave me hours of listening ears and very useful advice, my future is here and all I can wish, hope and pray for is for the rains to come to water the seeds and make the times of famine a thing of the past and eventually a quite distant memory.

I could hear myself saying – O God! Help me and I smile as my state of mind changes to accommodate the dawning of a different and worthwhile outlook.

Thought Picnic: Marauding Indecisiveness

Thoughts in a flux

Everything else seems to have been put on hold because of the need of one apparently important issue, getting a job.

Thoughts unclear, pleasure restrained, health plodding along and debts mounting with risks that could be deleterious to livelihood at large.

One fundamental that suffers the most from this is a sense of decisiveness and clear direction; thoughts are rolling over in the mind like a terrestrial animal clutching at straws having fallen into a rapidly flowing stream and just a missed grip or grasp from going under without gills.

For days, it has been do or dare, make or break, decide or procrastinate, save or spend, stay or go – it has become obsessively unnerving that one might just let things flow or damn the consequences.

Life is what you live today and now, apprehensions may matter but they can paralyse you with unnecessary anxiety – a foolishness and irresponsibility once allowed might just be the impetus to be as daring as you might ever be.

This apartment is becoming stifling, the routine does not present objective focus and the ability to think outside the box is like one is really boxed in.

I cannot seem to wear the boot and kick myself up the backside to get on with it.

Resignation?

The subject of resignation

In continuation of the previous blog I have chosen this topic to illustrate an interesting event that occurred just over a week ago. You can first read my letter and then the commentary that follows.

Dated

Sir,

Notice of resignation

First of all, I want to thank you for the opportunity you gave me over 2 years ago to execute policies for Software Control and Deployment.

Those 2 years have been eventful, interesting, sometimes stressful but very rewarding; they would serve as hallmarks in my career as well as pleasant memories of the responsibilities, the challenges, the successes and the people without whom none of those milestones would have been achievable.

However, everyman eventually has to conduct a radical assessment of their career development and prospects from which decisions of great personal significance have to be made.

In that light, I regret to notify you of my decision to leave the company to seek other career opportunities that align with where I believe my career is directed.

I understand that I have to give a statutory notice of a calendar month bringing my last day of work to the end of next month.

However, I hope you would look favorably on negotiating either an earlier end date or some facility that would allow me to begin an internship with my new deployment as soon as possible.

Also, if by the end of my notice period, no replacement for my responsibilities has been recruited, I would be available to provide an introductory session to help that person settle into the job at no cost.

Once again, thank you very much for the opportunity to work for you and for the company.

Yours sincerely,

Signed

Commentary

During the job market depression of 2002, the only jobs available were in the long-term employee sector; having been a contractor/consultant for 7 years, one had resolved that a number of things would have to give; status, remuneration, and a possible decline in the standard of living one had always been accustomed to, by reason of reduced remuneration.

Just as the days of being paid appearance fees at my old contract waned, I was recommended for this role which offered a stipend, a promise of worthless stock options and a career opportunity of a lifetime. Even one can be forgiven the opportunity for being fooled.

My take home was halved in one stroke.

Wading into the political quagmire was an interesting experience, never had I seen more competition amongst the departments of a company, or rather the pettey tyrants that head these departments than with our competitors.

In fact, by some miracle the company has survived a huge debt burden and Chapter 11, if only the energy spent in useless politicking were pooled to take the company from average to outstanding - I have my hopes and it is possible, I believe in the product and principle, but I wonder about the middle layer that keeps thwarting every new opportunity for self-interest and self aggrandisement.

Anyway, the reasons for my resignation stem from the following events:

1. Last August, I asked to attend a course to improve an area of skill I thought needed more development. It was immediately approved, but once the invoice landed on the manager’s desk, it vegetated, and despite every entreaty to move it on, it just did not happen. In the end, I could not go on the course. Question: How do you get a course approved and still not get to go on it? There were no urgent issues at hand to prevent my attending.
2. Notification of the performance review was sent out by HR in November and this was to take place in mid-January, the seemingly lackadaisical attitude to career development was demonstrated in the fact that the manager as it were forgot to send out the preparatory notes till just 48 hours before the meeting with the lame apology of being busy. The meeting is covered in this Blog, the results would be discussed in a later blog.
3. Having discussed elements of career development especially the fact that my role had settled into routine and the mundane, the boss was still of the inclination that my job provided amazing opportunities. However, I was interested in taking a Masters course in IT, to which he responded completely negatively, offering no support, no encouragement and a grudging recommendation that explicitly said the company was offering no financial assistance or time off for my study. Typically, the cult of the overbearing manager should at times read the policies that accompany statements that make. I was instead advised to take the short courses on Skillport rather than a Masters degree. Looks like this ia s dead-end job, for as long as I have this man as my manager.
4. I made 3 attempts to demonstrate my vision of the Software Control & Deployment for my company which in fact has an enterprise environment. All were presented to my boss for his assessment and apart from minor modifications which he presented to the CIO in October 2002, the structure was distributed, modular and hierarchical. A meeting we had in early May challenged all those plans with a myopic centralisation idea which was completely contrary accepted business practice. One comment he made was I had said what Microsoft would do, hey! it is a Microsoft product. Basically, after a rapid torrent of expletives and threats to our jobs amongst other unpalatable statements of subjective analysis, with the fact that he was not listening to anything 3 consultants and the project manager was saying, my marketing literature was out on the job boards.

It was the very last straw.

In the end, a good opportunity came, wherein; I was interviewed for a senior support role and ended up offering advice on how to build up the team. I was offered the job at the interview, there and then.

Playing with irony, I asked for a meeting with my manager on the topic Career Development through his PA who found ample free time for this meeting, he however rescheduled it for the next week, probably because the career development of his staff is off no particular significance - that would make me rather overly cynical.

In the end, I put the letter on his table. For the first time, he had the initiative take from him and his reply was that he was not surprised that I decided to leave and he attributed it specially to points 3 and 4 of my reasons for resignation - how perceptive.

For once, I almost thought I was deliberately frustrated out of the job because of blatant indifference and a lack of candour. See my blog on respect.

Any other boss would say, they are sorry to see their staff go and wonder what could have been done to ameliorate the situation, I suppose, it would take all the man out of my boss to descend to that position of weakness.

He stuff is about slapping people down, superiority by deprecation, not borne out of earned respect, the vision thing or leadership - however, that is just one opinion, mine.

The offer I so clearly made to help my successor through an induction period at not cost was rebuffed as there is enough expertise to take over my role - that is spite, if I ever saw it.

So, whilst I have tendered my resignation, he is yet to get to the point of resignation understanding that I have resigned all because he could not be bothered to be my manager, or maybe I had set too high standards for the my expectation of my manager.

Even I am only human.