Photons on the Prostate - Three Things I Wish I'd Known

Full Disclosure

Despite what you read in this blog, I believe the choice to undergo hypofractionated radiotherapy as my treatment option for malignant adenocarcinoma of the prostate gland (prostate cancer) was the right choice.

After the ordeal of a prostate cancer diagnosis, gruelling radiotherapy, and years of dealing with lingering side effects, you would think I am done with reading up on issues around prostate gland health.

Now, I am glad to say it was caught early. I believe I received as good care and support as could be given by advisory and medical teams, and I am convinced that I chose the best medical outcome for my situation.

3 Hidden Problems With Radiation Treatment for Prostate Cancer
© The Prostate Clinic

Unsolicited Advice and Misinformation

In the same vein, I am usually offered tips, hints, and advice about prostate health; mostly information shared on social media, none peer-reviewed by experts in either urology or oncology to prove their efficacy. The impressions are mostly anecdotal.

My father, for instance, has mostly been swindled or scammed by snake oil salesmen offering miracle potions to treat his prostate problems that medical science has been at pains to prove he ever had. We are left humouring him when it might be prudent to sternly upbraid him. He is educated and had a high-profile professional life; he should know better.

The Prostate Clinic Revelations

Recently, I have been following The Prostate Clinic, a YouTube channel hosted by Dr Charles Chabert, a urologist in Queensland, Australia, and it has taken a few days to properly digest what he had to say.

In July 2024, I met with consultants in surgery and radiotherapy for prostate cancer. Later, I spoke to a support worker at Prostate Cancer UK who opined I should opt for Active Surveillance or Watchful Waiting over the active treatment suggested at diagnosis. Even after reading up on extensive material and sharing my journey in a series of blogs, I had to manage my consumption of information to avoid being overwhelmed into stasis.

The Question of Sufficient Information

The question then becomes: how much more information, detail, reports, studies, and research should one access before knowing without any shadow of doubt you are making the right decision, all things being equal?

You are told so much going into treatment but not nearly enough about the aftermath, it would seem.

Three Hidden Problems

The Australian urologist addressed the aftereffects of radiotherapy on the prostate that could leave you concerned about several things, of which sexual dysfunction has been a recent blog topic. He called them “3 Hidden Problems With Radiation Treatment for Prostate Cancer”, suggesting why we should not opt for radiotherapy.

When the prostate gland is irradiated, it could damage the surrounding tissue connected to the bowel (radiation proctitis, very graphic, the pictures can cause distress) and bladder (radiation cystitis) systems. Irradiating the prostate gland shrinks, scars, and can make it fibrotic, leading to two other consequences: limited salvage options or progressively reduced sexual function.

Complications and Salvage Treatments

Complications might arise if there is a local recurrence of cancer, making salvage activity quite difficult. This portends more impactful consequences for the patient and radical alternatives for bowel movements. Salvage treatments are better managed post-surgery than post-radiotherapy, where options are severely limited.

The state of the prostate gland after irradiation means that sexual function will increasingly diminish. This touches on erectile dysfunction and reduced ejaculatory performance. These are weighty matters that make you wonder if you had known all this before you commenced treatment, whether you would have made that choice.

Managing Side Effects

Again, the issue with choosing any treatment comes down to how you perceive you can manage the side effects. For surgery, they are immediate, whilst for radiotherapy they are progressive.

The possible loss of total sexual function, because the consultant surgeon had already indicated my prostate was too enlarged to guarantee the salvage of any nerves, immediately made that option a non-starter. I was not going to wait and see what a malignancy was going to do in my body through Active Surveillance; it would never have been an option for me.

My Choice

Choosing radical radiotherapy was the most comfortable choice in my circumstances. Though having an additional prayer point before I had my prostate gland zapped might have made this discovery less of a surprise and caused less concern.

Ultimately, I believe I did the right thing and will make the best of the good fortune I have to enjoy life and write better stories, with cancer behind me. I thank God.

Check your Prostate Cancer risk in 30 seconds.

Blog - Men's things XXXI: Can Intimacy Be Reclaimed After Prostate Cancer?

Blog – Photons on the Prostate - A year from starting radiotherapy

Blog - A prostate cancer diagnosis, one year on

Blog - Men's things - Prostate Cancer blogs

A Google NotebookLM AI Audio Overview Discussion of this blog

Trading away health

Are we aware of the harms?

Attending a cancer hospital is a revelation of how medical science is progressing in the treatment of cancer, and none of what I have witnessed or experienced suggests the treatments are cosmetic salves that soothe you.

The treatments are radical, irreversible, usually impactful, and could be life-changing on the completion of treatment. Early in my treatment cycle, one of the nurses who gave me advice and support had a voice box. I do not intend here to introduce the fear of cancer but to provide a perspective on why we should actively avoid harmful practices.

Every time I see someone light up a cigarette, I wonder whether they might end up in a cancer hospital and hopefully, they might have a favourable prognosis. The discovery of the cigarette-lung cancer link was evident from the 1950s, but the conspiracy of capitalism put tobacco conglomerate profits above global health. [National Library of Medicine: Historical Perspectives of the Causation of Lung Cancer] [World Health Organization: Tobacco industry interference with tobacco control]

As we ignore the warnings

Warnings on tobacco product packaging including grotesque pictures of cancers have hardly served as a scary premonition to smokers, it is not like I could be effective in accosting a smoker on any of our streets and hoarsely tell them I am undergoing cancer treatment, and it is not a pleasant experience, considering it is neither indicative of errors commission nor omission.

The prospect of the suffering and life-threatening effects of avoidable cancer should be informative and cautionary enough, but human behaviour cannot be curtailed even in the best interests of the person. As a species, the quest to survive is equally matched by the inexplicable tendency to self-destruct.

Now, I had a wild adolescence, I smoked from the age of fourteen to eighteen, my preference was for menthol cigarettes, and I did consider at one time getting a tobacco pipe. My cousins had unfortunate parental guidance and adopted snuff, it shows how example creates followers and adherents, quite unwittingly.

When I stopped smoking just over 40 years ago, I simply lost the desire for smoking once I became a Christian. The only time I smoked anything again was 15 years ago when my live-in partner being both a cheese head and a pothead, got pre-rolled marijuana cigarettes and I had a puff or two thinking it might be a palliative for cancer pain. I am however glad smoking never became a long-term habit with the inability to wean myself off nicotine addiction.

Issues of fitness and weight

One other thing I have noticed at the hospital is how unfit we are as a country, there are too many morbidly obese people, with some needing wheelchairs to get around. Even when I consider my weight and how certain aspects of my body do not conform to an aesthetic aspect ratio, I have sworn that once my treatment is over and I get my strength back, I will indulge in rigorous exercise to get fit again.

15 years ago, one of the effects of cancer was emaciation, I lost 25% of my body weight and though doctors then suggested I should carry a weight close to what I am now, I would rather be below 80 kg than find the scales show numbers that have horrifyingly shot up to 89 kg at one time. This event of cancer has hardly shown physiological symptoms, I could even be gaining rather than losing weight.

Dropping the excess baggage

Looking at metric measurements, I do a basic calculation that for your height in centimetres you should ideally not exceed that height minus a hundred for your weight. If you do not have the requisite height in the two-metre plus getting to seven feet category, you must ask why your weight exceeds 100 kg.

There are things we can do in terms of diet, exercise, rest, and checkups to keep healthy and hopefully not need a visit to a hospital or a cancer-related one. If warnings cannot do it, we should have some apprehension about the future and what harm we are doing now.

Illness can easily rob one of our sense of youthful invincibility that usually tends to delusions of immortality, some consideration and I aver, care for our bodies can give some of us assurance and a fighting chance that we won't be plagued by something destructively harmful out of what we are doing or what we have failed to do.

Give us Barabbas!

Evangelical pastor perfectly refutes MAGA Christianity! Culture, Faith, and Politics

The odious appeal of Donald Trump

Until just a few minutes ago, I was quite puzzled about how the Evangelical and Pentecostal movements in America and further afield seemed to embrace Donald Trump as the person and symbol to centre Christianity in the political discourse of the nation.

Fundamentally, I saw no principle or example that made Donald Trump likeable or amenable to the idea that this would help the promotion of Christian values. In fact, what I saw was a corruption of the purpose of Jesus Christ for the gain of earthly and political power without helping anyone see the mercy, the grace, the glory, or the power of God in their lives.

Christian nationalism with all its culture war paraphernalia and the accoutrements of wedge issues on women’s, reproductive, identity, or another other kind of right that suggests justice, fairness, respect, and dare I say the love of one’s neighbour, the grist of right-wing political doctrine seemed to replace the gospel and the message that Jesus Christ represented.

The quest for temporal power in determining who sits on the Supreme Court, what is taught in the schools, who has access to critical reproductive health options, and now, whether the net can be widened to give opportunity to those who are not like us had become the unquenchable thirst of religious purpose.

Discernment and discrimination

Even with my more active Anglican adherence, I am quite engaged and involved in the Evangelical and Pentecostal doctrines. A good deal of the underpinning of my faith comes from inspiration borne of charismatic expression and from listening to the anointed teachings of many leaders of that persuasion.

In listening, I have to be discerning and alert, following two basic credos from another preacher who has long departed to be with the Lord. In the first instance, he said, “Have as much sense as an old cow, eat the hay and leave the baling wire.” By that, I understand that not everything someone says is ingestible, I need to know what the hay is of the beneficial and the baling wire which is the packaging that is not edible and harmful.

I do not because I disagree with some things a person says then discount everything they have to say. I think there is a function of intelligence in being able to select the gems from the dirt or the rough. Nature is already a demonstration of that thinking.

We have always been human

Secondly, and I would paraphrase, “Do not follow anyone so close that you cannot cut away when they are falling into a ditch.” I guess someone else might say, “Keep a healthy distance and the door wide open.” Another variant of that would be something I read about a conversation between a mother and her daughter. “You have every reason to fall in love but get up and walk into your marriage.”

Do not yoke yourself to the untenable, make the allowances for the protection of your heart and your mind. Be smart and sensible, trusting just enough and verifying everything against the principled sources. In this case, when it comes to Christianity, that is the Word of God, the Bible.

I guess what always surprises me is how humanity in its fundamental nature has hardly changed. We can be persuaded in different ways to follow our basest instincts through charisma, sophistry, or just some force that through expediency we cannot resist.

Threatened powers fighting back

This brings us to the court of Pontius Pilate on the day that Jesus Christ was brought to trial before him, for he was the only political official who could sentence Jesus to death for the crimes that the chief priests had accused him of.

By the time Jesus had raised Lazarus from the dead, the priests were afraid that they would lose their religious influence on the Jews to Jesus Christ and their semi-autonomous political power to the Romans. They determined through Caiaphas the chief priest that Jesus should be put to death.

⁴⁸ If we let Him alone like this, everyone will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and nation.”

⁴⁹ And one of them, Caiaphas, being high priest that year, said to them, “You know nothing at all,

⁵⁰ nor do you consider that it is expedient for ^[a]us that one man should die for the people, and not that the whole nation should perish.” [Bible Gateway John 11:48-50 (NKJV)]

From then on, a plan was hatched to put Jesus to death. Still, the other relevant things alluded to in the YouTube video are what happened on Palm Sunday and the symbolism of riding on a colt of an ass, Hosanna which in Judaism is a cry for help and not the Christian shout of praise, the laying down of palm branches has its significance in the apocryphal book of the Maccabees. They lay down their garments for him to walk on, as if for a king. [Nashville Catholic: Why Palms? The Significance of Palm Branches on Palm Sunday] [Jehu is king! Bible Gateway 2 Kings 9:13 (NKJV)]

We want Barabbas

Even as Pontius Pilate had determined that Jesus Christ was innocent and had done no wrong, the priests prevailed on the crowd to demand the head of Jesus. Pontius Pilate could have exercised his prerogative of power there and then, but instead, he presented the people with the choice between Barabbas and Jesus Christ.

Every inclination would suggest the people would choose the man who brought the gospel, healed the sick, and raised the dead. Still, they chose Barabbas and the priests for that moment seemed to secure their political advantage.

At that, the crowd went wild: “Kill him! Give us Barabbas!” [Bible.com Luke 23:18-25]

Still, at the point where Jesus gave up the ghost on the cross, the inner sanctum of their political and religious power that only the High Priest could enter was exposed as the curtain was rent to two.

The birth of Christianity came on the day of resurrection as the priests had inadvertently dispossessed themselves of what they sought to keep. More pertinently, in contemporary times, we have situations that present us with a Barabbas or a Jesus Christ and what obtains in the quest for political influence and power by religious entities is selecting Barabbas over Jesus Christ, the expedient over the necessary, the temporal over the eternal, the human over the godly.

Essentially, the religious folk are just like you and I, we might have high expectations of their choices, but we would be disappointed if we trust more in humans than we do in the divine. In the biblical and today’s context, I now understand why Donald Trump appeals to the evangelicals as they choose the political over the gospel and find ways to justify their indefensible stance.

The bird in hand is all you have

Long Read!

The humbling of life

There is an old saying, “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.” I find myself revisiting some of these old sayings to review what lessons to mankind they might impart to me and my unique circumstances, for as Ecclesiastes1:9 says, “there is nothing new under the sun.”

It is quite poignant that Ecclesiastes has 12 chapters and in the first chapter it dispenses with hopes, dreams, expectations, and much else whilst laying bare the fact of human existence, after the introduction, it says, all is vanity, suggests we labour in vain, that nature always follows its course, and that we pay heed to experiences gone before because there are lessons to be learnt of life.

A further interpretation of the saying at the beginning which I should call a proverb is, “It's better to be content with what you have than to risk losing everything by seeking to get more.”

Failures are paths

This is the story, I finished secondary school at the age of 15 and was immediately admitted to the Lagos State College of Science and Technology (Lacostech) to study Chemical Engineering, at the same time, my mother tried to persuade me to attend Form Six for the Higher School Certificate (HSC), but I was having none of it, my experience of secondary boarding school was such that I wanted to be treated more as an adult with all the freedoms that entailed, even if I assumed very little responsibility.

Lacostech was a fledgling institution, the practical engineering component of the course system was lacking, we were based at a faraway campus and for the practical elements, we attended labs at Yaba College of Technology (YabaTech), the preeminent polytechnic at the time. How I ended up doing Chemical Engineering was a result of alumni visiting my secondary school to give a talk, I was beguiled rather than persuaded. I failed that first year.

However, knowledge from that first year prepared me to change my course to Electrical Engineering at YabaTech even as seeing an uncle thrive in Quantity Surveying had a bit of a draw. It so transpired that I spent 3 years at YabaTech where I failed, repeated my second year, and consequently was asked to withdraw. That was 4 years of higher education lost, I can only wonder if I had gone for the HSC instead and plied a different trajectory in life.

Being a nonsense child

At that point, my father had given up on me, he was determined to put me to work on his farm which was not doing all that well. My father in his active career was a brilliant and successful accountant, usually top of the class, winning awards and prizes, how could I, his first child and son be such a dullard?

The day he planned to ship me off to his farm, I ran away from home with the aid of my mother, and I was first put up with a teacher from her school where she was a principal, then with a brother of a neighbour, before I ended up living with my dear Uncle Cash who passed on in June.

Blog - Uncle Cash!

Not having just enough

There, I began to chart my way back to some academic relevance, already 5 years out of secondary school with nothing to show for it. I took the Joint Admissions Matriculation Board (JAMB) examinations and scored in Physics (71), Chemistry (72), English (73), and Mathematics (45), for whatever reason, I ran out of time with Mathematics and that poor score was significant and it came to 261 when I needed at least 280 to be considered for Electrical Engineering at some of the universities I was interested in as the University of Ife or the University of Benin.

Meanwhile, my mother was pulling strings elsewhere and had with my original West African School Certificate secured admission to the Federal Polytechnic at Ilaro to study Electrical Engineering. To my mind, having been to YabaTech, going to Ilaro in the middle of nowhere was second-best untenable, it never entered my consideration, and no one could appeal to me about it, I was set on going to university come what may.

A bird for a bird

My father came around, and we both drove to the University of Benin to see if he could influence things, it was the second time we had met since I ran away from home over a year before, and at the same time the registration window was closing at Ilaro as lectures were starting too. One thing I remember about that trip was we stopped over at a restaurant, where I ordered a stew with gizzards that my father thought he heard lizard, the look on his face and the laughter afterwards when he realised, he heard wrong.

Herein was my dilemma, I had a bird in hand, the admission to the Federal Polytechnic, Ilaro which I was not paying attention to because I had my mind on the two in the bush, an impossible consideration for admission to either the University of Ife or the University of Benin. All my hopes were on university admission when my reality was a backwater polytechnic where though the OND course was accredited, the HND component was still seeking recognition.

Humble is pie is food

Eventually, as the vanity and the futility of my expectations began to dawn on me, I ate humble pie and set off to the Federal Polytechnic, Ilaro to start as a fresher and from when I used to be the youngest in the class in all the schools I had ever attended, I was now a higher education veteran, 20 years old.

My humiliation is exacerbated by my first encounter, he was a year my junior in secondary school and the very first person I exerted seniority rights on when I got to Form 2 by punishing him, he was in his final year at Ilaro when I was just starting. I can only wonder what stories he had to tell about his life experiences. The senior that punished him 9 years ago in secondary was now 3 years his junior in higher education.

I had to focus on what I had to do, I was not at Ilaro for him or about him, I was at Ilaro to rebuild my shattered dreams. And much as I kept the prospect of going to university alive, my engagement in the semester was both committed and divided. However, by the second semester, I accepted that my bird in hand was the only bird I had and any other birds shitting on my head from above or chirping in the bush were never going to be caught.

It came round beautifully

I did the two years successfully, was my class representative, gained an upper credit diploma and even after ran a signature drive of all my erstwhile class to appeal for the HND component to be accredited for us to return to complete our course at this apparent backwater polytechnic that gave us so much for a start in career and achievement.

For my industrial orientation, I walked into a computer services firm seeking employment and was employed on the spot, I even got my class deputy employed too. He went on to complete his higher diploma at YabaTech, I went into desktop publishing consultancy, to help publish legal reports and acquired 30% of a printing firm on whose auspices I paid my first visit to the UK to acquire equipment and software.

That same OND stood me in good stead for jobs that I took up in the UK when I finally emigrated, obviously, I acquired vendor certifications too. It is interesting to note that, I wrote a character reference for a friend with whom I attended Ilaro and the admissions officer at the University of Liverpool contacted me to suggest I was the kind of candidate they were looking for to embark on a Master's programme. I only had an OND and I was admitted for a postgraduate degree.

It is always what you have

The moral of the story is this, all my intentions, plans and hopes were to go to university, I held fast to that expectation even though there was nothing I could show for that ambition. All the while, I had an admission to Ilaro, it was the unmentionable, the one where I thought I would be stuck, the humiliation of meeting a junior who was very much a senior and you know how ranking works in a typically Nigerian community, yet that was the pathway to my career successes. I could not have envisaged the result of going to Ilaro but the consequence of attending Ilaro made all the difference.

It is in the same vein that we are faced with what we think are choices but are hardly so. That bird in hand is the only thing you have got, there rest are pipedreams, daydreams, hopes, and wishes. Until you have secured whatever you want or need, you do not have it. Yet we give equal status to what we desire and hope for to what we already have but do not like for all sorts of reasons that it was not part of the plan and seek myriad excuses to diminish certainty for uncertainty.

I have many instances where choosing the second-best or the worst possible scenario because that was all I had has led to the best possible and even unintended outcomes. It is important to keep the momentum, take the opportunity that is available and work with it even if at the present time everything it represents is not to your liking.

It is never out of thin air

History is littered with people who were faced with difficult choices of which there are no other options have with humility follow what they have and come up trumps, be it Joseph being sent into slavery before he rose to become deputy Pharaoh or Jesus being given the choice of the cross or flight, faced the cross and brought salvation to the world.

There is indeed nothing new under the sun, the voice of the ancients, the elders, the experienced, and even the privileged tries to counsel us on many issues to which we turn a deaf ear because we have other plans, but plans are just that, plans, we remain stuck in the same place with plans and no action, forsaking opportunity for fantasy and in the end losing both opportunity and fulfilling no fantasy.

The question we should always ask ourselves is, what is it that we already have that we are giving up for what we are hoping to have? What you are hoping for, you do not have. At the feeding of the 5,000, Jesus could only use what the boy had and multiply it, not materialise food for the crowds out of thin air. At the marriage in Cana where Jesus turned water into wine, the jugs were empty, he asked them to fill the jugs with water first, he did not conjure wine from the air.

You have to have something to make or do something, that something may not be what you like or want, but it is the only thing you have and if you do not use it, you will lose it and be left in the same place still, full of dreams, hopes, and desires but no further away from where you started.

Thought Picnic: How our filters stymie our options

Nothing is for certain

Some things get me thinking about how we have great expectations for encounters in chance situations, setting up stringent requirements to be met, passed on as preferences that invariably lead to disappointment when the options we are presented with give us no choices to select from.

Much as we delude ourselves with the idea that we are open-minded and liberal, in practical terms, we are usually more conservative than would admit to ourselves about what we call preferences. The self-aggrandised level of myopia we select and live with eventually deprives us of the broader landscape of beauty that is laid before us.

Not everyone wins

Too many times, we behave like prospectors at a gold rush, highly optimistic that there is a fortune to be found, ready to till and turn the dirt for that elusive gem and coming up empty-handed after a long day of toil. Yet, we are undeterred hoping that the next day, or the next, or the one after would present in the eventuality that goal for which we might end all toil and witness a different outcome.

Over time, reality sets in that not all of us would be lucky, some might find a gem or two but the rest would steadily be approached by disillusionment as the steady erosion of optimism gives way to a truth we have batted away from the onset. That we arrived with bluster, we may not leave in a cluster, but at a point in stealth, we carry our story back to whence we came either to keep a new found grasp of reality or wait for another dreamy adventure to naught.

Experience teaches hard lessons

I see this is too many places in the quest for the many things that we seek to give life a sense of meaning and being, in career searches, in the need for companionship, or just the momentary fulfilment of lust, and there are many gold rush mines we can visit for which our desires and curiosity would never be sated.

One of life’s greatest lessons is one of contentment, an appreciation of what you have as opposed to what you desire or want, knowing from immemorial that you have a bird in hand rather than the two in the bush, or to paraphrase another saying, if you cannot have what you want; love what you already have.

Appreciate what you have got

Indeed, I need to constantly reassess my priorities and appreciate the many blessings that surround me daily, in the love of my life and our ultimate desire to set up home together. Whilst I would love things to be easier, that easier option may not materialise and we would have to make the best of what we have got for we are not in an impossible situation, we are just somewhere between the dream and the reality that would set things in motion for the next stage of our lives.

Sometimes, I have slapped myself on the cheek to clear my vision, a kind of reset that is usually not as necessary as it seems, if you have given yourself to some reflection and introspection. I have a clear idea of where I want to be, I just need to work at getting there sooner rather than later. Take down the filters and see things as they are, then in the clarity of that vision and perspective do not let the perfect get in the way of the good that you end up with nothing at all.

Be circumspect and realistic with your expectations such that you can manage your disappointments beyond disillusionment, you yourself the instruments of hope that can see beyond the mountain ranges that appear to make your journey an impossible quest to new accomplishments.

House watch type sea

The revisions of decisions

The luxury of being spoilt for choice can sometimes be a handicap to making decisions. You are presented with options and variations, reviews and options, desires and dislikes that you find yourself wrestling between opportunity and regret.

When you have wide-ranging choices out of affordability and not limited by available resource, other elements come in to play. For instance, when I was shopping for an apartment literally 20 years ago, the issue was not if I could afford it, it was whether after the choice was made, I will be happy with it when compared with other places, I viewed in the process.

Having a good feel

It came down to gut feeling, the place I chose was still occupied, it felt lived in, the departing occupants were friendly, nice, and accommodating, I warmed to the property the first time I saw it compared to the other empty shells that left me undecided and nonplussed. They all looked like hard work when the place I bought presented good ideas on how I would like to live there.

I visited the neighbourhood one evening and made enquiries at the Blockbuster store nearby about the feel and safety of the area, it got to a point that I could not think of living elsewhere, my mind was made up and I enjoyed 10 and half years there.

The tick-tock of time

Recently, I have been thinking of getting a new wristwatch, it has not been easy, and I am nowhere near being able to choose what I want. I have basic requirements, a watch without a busy face, with day and date, self-powered, and with a perpetual calendar. Alas! Every watch I have seen has more dials than an old nuclear power station, I do not need to know my altitude or how far below sea level I need to get before I have a drowning reflex. I just want the time without having to tweedled knobs and dials.

Extend this to getting a laptop and it is a mess, one look at the reviews, and every endearing feature is lost to the tales of woe standing out with just one star. You are left weighing all sorts of options that weeks after, you are none the wiser. Let us not talk of the watch, I have been on this Aegean treadmill for the best part of three years.

Maybe not now

At the turn of the year, I was looking for an apartment in Cape Town to spend the last 10 days of our holiday, we could have extended our stay where we were but decided on trying somewhere different. That was fraught with all sorts of disbenefits, location, safety at night, ease of travel, cost of the deposit, and user reviews. The longer we left it, the fewer the choices we had. Eventually, we just had to go for it, and it was a good choice.

Sometimes, the surfeit of choice is a warning to move on, give it time and hone your requirements to what really meets your needs. If you do not have to decide limited by resource, opportunity, or time, then you are not under duress and you do not have to create undue pressure on yourself. Maybe, you need something completely different, that is what breaking away allows, and with an open mind, you might acquire the unexpected which turns out to be the best.

Thought Picnic: My foolishness in floodlights

Being plainly human

We are as humans most capable of stupidity and carelessness in the selfish pursuit of pleasures and desires. Indulging in such might bring personal satisfaction but it can adversely affect others, by distress or upset, we risk doing much harm to those closest to us.

Essentially, the frustrations are alarm bells of other unexplained turmoil for which desperation can present bad options and rotten choices. The path out requires a completely new mindset with a direction to achievable goals. Talk about it and seek help too.

There can be consequences for making the wrong choices out of impatience and or being inconsiderate. You then hope that it does not end in regret, with much remorse, you plead hoping to mend your ways. It begins with saying, I am sorry and working to rebuild trust and confidence from the fundamentals. A chance offered to write a better story.

Thought Picnic: Leaving them to grudging and numbing

Refusing the obvious

Denial is probably the desire to live a different reality. Presented with the obvious, we find a delusionary diversion in thought and in deed to create an existence of the utmost deception in the hope that circumstances might just align.

There is the occasion where one exhibits reluctance with grudging acceptance, then another is engaged in persistence with numbing insistence, either way, none can alter the course of events as life and its decisions are primarily that of the principal regardless of expectations or prayers.

Defusing the devious

That one was offered the option of a village girl was quite amusing even as it was deftly declined, there is a city boy to whom one is betrothed, many traditions sacrificed to realities that have more relevance for heart and mind.

It is with warmth though that when in conversation with the dean after the Eucharist yesterday, the mention of marriage was embraced with easy accommodation of all genders not presupposing anything and welcoming of the response given. He is marrying him and whoever is in denial cannot be helped beyond facing the truth of what life really is.

 

Thought Picnic: I own my stupid choices to overcome my human weaknesses

Count your blessings

In our seemingly ordinary, uneventful and mundane lives, a bit of introspection, reflection and recollection can reveal a life of adventure and enchantment, in the moments, events, experiences and adventures that have engaged us.

As the old song goes, “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.” The many times we forget to be appreciative of the little and large things that have come into our lives to give us a sense of contentment, maybe happiness or even the joy of living. There is much to celebrate about life that we could so easily forget.

The human misery

Beyond this, there is another matter of serious import that pertains to how we see ourselves in the world, in relationships, in friendships and other interactions in the community, in society, at work and within the expression of the expanse of the humanity we might have.

Each and everyone might have encountered something in the spectrum of adversity, of crises, of infirmity, of incapacity, in failure, in disappointment, in despair and whatever negative situation has tested our sense of self.

Admit your choices

One would not be remiss to state that where many issues might be unfortunate, there are some where we must honestly admit responsibility for. The courage to admit to one’s choices and the consequences that have resulted from those choices then face up to them even if it reveals ignorance, foolishness, stupidity, obduracy, truculence, hypocrisy, vulnerability, selfishness, cowardice, or evasiveness on our part is probably the beginning of self-awareness.

In my own life, I have made many bad choices that have resulted in life-changing circumstances, I am gay, it is no impediment. I chose on certain occasions to practice unsafe sex despite the risks it posed. By reason of this, I discovered in 2002 that I was HIV positive.

Freedom by truth

Then, there was no policy to adopt immediate treatment, out of fear, possibly ignorance and maybe even a sense of invincibility, I allowed over 7 years for HIV to ravage my body whilst I lived in denial of what might happen. Then in early 2009, the discolourations on the soles of my feet which I first ignored and then thought was Athlete’s foot fungus was then diagnosed as Kaposi’s Sarcoma, a kind of skin cancer and a clear indication of full-blown AIDS.

I could say I was unfortunate, yet the truth is I allowed this to happen because of the choices I made and the resulting consequences of loss in many areas of my life that I had to rebuild my life again are part of what I must face as my own folly for which I found remediation and treatment to give me a new lease on life. I own my faults, to first forgive me, to then understand myself better, to learn from my mistakes and misstep and hope that the knowledge gives me a better respect for life, in me and in others along with a spirit of encouragement to impart to others that come across my way.

Our burdensome responsibility

Owning our choices in career decision-making, in choosing partners for friendship, companionship, relationship, marriage, or business is another area where was should not seek to claim all the benefits when they come and be quick to blame others when things turn sour. If it did not work out, such is life, we move on rather than cultivate resentment to others and allow bitterness to take root.

Too many people are hurting from all sorts of experiences, the wrongs we think have been done to us by family near and others not so near in the many encounters we have in life, we tend to think we can assuage our hurt by hurting others. Even in my own experiences, there are things that still rankle and hurt, yet, I must find the peace I need in myself through forgiveness, through not reacting to every provocation, through finding a positive seam in a negative situation, sometimes by laughing through the pain because the apparent delirium is a surprising painkiller.

Lemonade from lemons

Yes, making the choice to walk away after the choice that made you walk into the pit of indignity and every inconvenience that heralds the most uncomfortable place to be is quite within our power to exercise and execute, albeit with difficulty, but it must be done for the story of our lives to get better than they seem to be when enmeshment in turmoil.

Indeed, from where I stand today, I have been given a better story because accepting the humility of my stupid choices have given me the capacity to have a vision, a hope and a path that starts from this moment into a better version of myself and the possibility of dreams coming true.

I count my blessings, embrace my privilege, I do not condemn myself in the things I have allowed, I don’t repudiate my identity, I honour my expression with candour and count myself among the blessed, the fortunate and the lucky. I am full of gratitude and thankfulness; this journey has been one that is appreciative of everyone friend and foe that has taught me to be more human.

Thought Picnic: About being neither there nor near

Everyone's taking control of me,
Seems that the world's got a role for me …
Michael Jackson – Will You Be There (1993) [Lyrics]

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Carried along

It was just 25 years ago when I was given two tickets for the Michael Jackson concert at Wembley Stadium by a friend who I had always helped solved solve computer problems without taking a fee.

The first scheduled concert was cancelled, and we were offered refunds on our tickets, but there was no way I would give up the opportunity to see Michael Jackson. Two weeks later, Michael Jackson did come to London, to Wembley Stadium and that remains the best show ever that I have seen.

For all the controversy that has trailed Michael Jackson, I cannot ignore the musicianship he had, the entertainer he was and the songwriting abilities he had.

Being there

Surfing the net from a Tumblr profile that led to the 1998 impromptu performance of Nessum Dorma by Aretha Franklin in the stead of Luciano Pavarotti at the Grammys and a YouTube random playback of related music and tributes to many, I found myself listening to Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of Will You Be There at the funeral service of Michael Jackson and previous to that was Aretha Franklin playing a piano singing I Will Always Love You at Whitney Houston’s funeral.

It was almost a morbid celebration of amazing talent, yet, on my flight back from South Africa and we’ll cover that in another blog, I only listened to the music of the unfortunately departed, first to Barry White, the Aretha Franklin and closing off with Prince.

I was weary

In the weeks that have passed where phantom blogs have been written in my head but most of my social media engagement has been on Instagram feeding Twitter and Facebook with snippets, thoughts and pictures of my wonderful time with Brian, I have wondered about what would inspire my next blog, the last which was full of premonition and uncertainty.

Eventually, as things fell into place, I realised happiness is not exclusive to the other, it can be personally experienced and enjoyed in the company of those you love as you celebrate it to the world.

I’m only human

Yet, I watch as many Friend requests flood my inbox on Facebook from people I barely know to the many I have literally forgotten or cannot deign to remember, as over three decades of no interaction has interspersed what was a fleeting or tenuous relationship at best. Sometimes, I agonise about whether I need to explain myself, the choices I have made that in terms would be radically different from those others have made.

Considering the fact that I could both be nonconformist and rebellious. Strike that! At the risk of repeating myself ad nauseam, my life is uniquely mine, it shadows no one else’s, it finds an example in the broader expression of our humanity. I will play my own chosen role, not one someone else has arrogated to themselves to decide for me out of the need to satisfy some aim, tradition, custom or any other creed. Then, I find some who seek to enter my affairs and begin to control events having never appreciated anything about who I am, what I am, where I am, what my storied existence has been.

You were not there

Let’s put it in the context of the words of the song, nobody has any influence or control whatsoever, if you were not there when the chips were down, the storm raged, hope was literally extinguished, and life seemed to hold no purpose. I have bitten my tongue when what I should have said is, “Mind your own business.”

However, let me assure those who need that assurance, what you see is true and I reviewed my profile on Facebook the other day. “I thought and concluded, do not presume you know me, this is really not a biography, it is guidance.”

View this post on Instagram

18 beautiful days of laughter, of moments to remember as the plans we made in the first week of January became reality in the third week of April. Meeting up in Johannesburg, we flew out together to Cape Town where gardens, capes, winelands, museums, memorials, church and theatre filled each day with purpose. Back to Johannesburg, we returned to some places and visited new places. Now, we return to our homes to plan a new rendezvous, hopefully, not too far in the future, maybe in Europe or back in Africa. I am sad and I am happy, but nothing will stand in the way of the moments, the love, the experiences we shared. I am blessed for the happiness and joy that this companionship has brought me. Each to their own, ours is already shown. #southafrica #capetown #johannesburg #love #moments #memories

A post shared by Akin Akintayo (@instaforakin) on May 5, 2019 at 1:49am PDT

It's my prerogative

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In the same vein

Over the last few weeks, I have written a few blogs on parent-child relationships because I have had to run the gauntlet of issues that are probably not unique to just myself.

It was only eleven days ago that I blocked my father on both Facebook and Instagram because I think he crossed the line from participating in my social environment into interfering with it. Some might think that was a drastic step to take, but I did not second-guess that matter, I was incensed and riled up about it, I had no other alternative than to take that action.

Then in conversation with one of my best friends, we discussed how I should have cut him a bit of slack, it is probably excusable that he confused my life with his views of a lifestyle, conflating them in misunderstanding the differences and by that overstepped the bounds of matters that are particularly mine alone and no one else’s.

Between life and lifestyle

Life is an encompassing issue that engenders the participation of every aspect of a person, in living, in livelihood, in relationships, in the community, in society and whatever area of endeavour. In life, you live, you love, you face options, you make choices, decisions can be life-changing and it could be quite different from the norm. But one person's norm might well be the abnormal of another, which is why we find accommodations and the openmindedness to live and let live.

When a person finds love and a relationship with another regardless of gender pairing; whilst it might court controversy, that is life in action, not the passing fad of a lifestyle. There are hearts, minds, bodies, and souls engrossed in this unique journey of soulmates. You cannot for the want of conformity complicate or upend the life of another to satisfy the wishes of some construct or societal mores.

Too many people have been hurt by unsavoury, imposed, or unwelcome matchmaking in the hope that something might blossom out it. Just that you think someone is good from your perspective does not mean, that is the best match for the person you think you're helping get hitched. It works for some, it is not the solution for many, we have just one life to live than to grin and bear it with misery, trying to adjust to the requirements of others when your persuasion and inclination is completely different from what they hope for or expect.

That’s my prerogative

I would spare people the agony of living through the experience of seeing the alien expressed on my living and online persona, why bring them so much grief? The liberal use of the block with that in mind does not seem that cruel or drastic anymore.

I hope to afford my parents, my relations, my friends, my acquaintances and interested persons along with complete strangers the opportunity to participate in my social media world, however, if the said participation slips inadvertently into policing my activities; I would without hesitation put a stop to that participating without recourse for appeal or redress.

My social media space is my fiefdom, if you violate the unwritten rules of respect and circumspection, you will be excluded, no matter how close you are to me. That is completely my prerogative and it would not be yielded to another for review. Just let me live.

Thought Picnic: In sympathy with dashed parental expectations

How they strive

I guess I am one to feel great sympathy for parents, the people who have through the years borne responsibilities whilst striving to ensure that the difficulties and hardships they suffered do not impact on us as much as they can.

The expectations are high, their aspiration even amid the turmoil and turbulence of life to hope that their wards have a considerably better life than they ever had. It becomes the measure of their success to see that happen.

Yet, they realise too late that their offspring is individualistic and unique, independent of thought and aims to the point that they forget when to yield control to this growing object of their once cooing affections who has reached adolescence and then adulthood.

When we fail

Despite their well laid out plans, a child might eventually deviate from the project and offer deliverables that would excite from deep shame and disappointment to effusive pride. No destiny is written anywhere, but the product is a sum of many influences, the parents mostly in the formative years and community, society and beyond shaping the person who emerges.

What does a parent do when a child fails when it appears all opportunities offered have been squandered? The reactions are myriad, some display their disappointment in displeasure leading to estrangement, some find some way to understand the too many factors that might have contributed to that situation, but there is no one answer to that question, it is a tough one.

God help the child through whom their parents intend to live out their dreams. Pushed at every end to perform and excel to the point of exhaustion and resentment. The child becomes one time grateful and at another time hateful. It is not usually a case of the mismanagement of the child, but it can affect relationships.

Knowing the times

The transition of parents from providers and protectors through advisors and confidants to lasting friendships is not one that many parents and children travel. When stuck in the phase of the protector, emotional blackmail ensues, a conversation gets heated and what you hear next is, 'after all, I have done for you?' – add your suffix statement to the end of the sentence.

At the point the parent transitions to an advisor, very useful in development years but aware of the fact that advice is useful, but the decisions are not theirs to take, there is scope for the improvement of relationships towards a respectful distance and understanding that engenders friendship.

Pragmatism allows certain parents to frame their somewhat and sometimes unwelcome advice in helpful and considerate phrasing that brings their ward onside rather than ostracise them.

There would always be issues and areas of life where the parent and child would disagree, that again is a realisation of the fact that genetic provenance does not equate to carbon copy clones of the parent in spirit, soul, and body. That would be unsettling, eerie, and concerning.

From left field

A child would make choices they want to make, some things parents might think are choices might well be a predisposition that child has no control over and nothing the parents could have done in the past could have changed who that child is.

Care should be taken to not attempt to force the child to adhere to particular requirements to satisfy some personal, societal, religious, or communal need. Outlooks would always differ, even at the best of times.

Then comes the question, how does a parent handle sexuality issues, if your child is bisexual, gay, lesbian, or transsexual? That is probably the toughest reality some parents would have to face about their child. Sadly, the shock and confusion that follows can lead to the utterly irrational. The child was no less your child between the day before you knew and the day after it all blasted you in the face.

Dealing in

I could imagine the things running through the mind of a parent and it would be a world of thoughts and expectations, many of which would be dashed because of that revelation. The child would go on to live their lives however they choose if the parent does not do something utterly stupid.

At that point, your acceptance or rejection of your child would not change the state of affairs, and any undue exertion of power or authority would just drive the child into a more accepting environment of the reality of who they are. Some parents would never know the journey of guilt, doubt, angst, despair, fear, and denial that child has scraped through to the point of learning to love themselves enough to express who they are.

What do some parents do? They curse, they swear, they disown, they harm, they fight against it and seek to alter the course of nature. The nature that science has already proven is inherent in the humanity of a child is discounted for the fanciful idea that the child has chosen a lifestyle. If indeed it were a lifestyle, but this is really a life and people have to live with the fact of who they are separate from what others including their parents expect them to be.

Yes, I do sympathise that children may not turn out to be what their parents had hoped their children would become. If the maturity in the parent can see that it is not the end of the world, then, parent and child would respectfully remain friends even though the most difficult crises that dog a lifetime of knowledge, experience, and relationships.