Preparations undone
Almost four years
ago, the answer I got was five weeks if it came to the worst that is if the
drugs don’t work, else I would have the chance of a good recovery – I did.
However, the
question still lingers in the mind and every new result that shows slow but
steady progress belies a sense of vulnerability I do well to try and ignore.
Many times, I
wonder if I have set things right, I have an idea of where I want to rest but I
have not laid out the plans to any detail as to if I will get that wish
fulfilled.
Uncertainty needing clarity
It is morbid with
all the foreboding that comes with it, but they are thoughts one should
entertain just to be sure that what needs to be done gets done and the many other
things might well be left unfulfilled - plan, purpose and prioritise seems to be
the guiding focus.
In a call this
morning, it appears more tests are required, nothing conclusive but enough for
me to review, reassess, understand and appreciate that every breath I take, I
die a little and at the same time like I have said many times before, if you
have life, live it and live it well – until that time when you are no more
living, live.
In a few weeks it
would be clearer what the situation is, whether there is much to fear to which
I mostly respond with a determination not to be overwhelmed and what the
prognosis might be in terms of options, choices, decisions and acceptances.
Denial is not a safe haven
Acceptances indeed,
I find myself just about to scale the five stages of the Kübler-Ross model
again, I have been in denial many times before, never been overcome with the rage
of anger, I have bargained but the professionals could not diagnose depression
even when all events presented a perfect storm for it, however at the point of
acceptance, I was ready to move on with my life – whatever time is left of it.
Knowledge matters
and hopefully they will know enough to inform me when I ask the strange and
difficult questions – I’ve been there before though I do not know if I have
learnt enough to have the strength to face this as I did before – time will
tell.
Let’s live
If anything, I keep
doing what I know to do, taking each day as it comes, dreaming the dreams of
the wonder of man, hoping beyond hope that the uncomfortable will pass and
sharing as much as I can dare – maybe it might help others.
There have been pains,
I have learnt to live with them, sometimes I ignore their inconvenience for the
prospect of getting on – when the truth is manifest, we shall know as we are
and wherefore one might dare to peer into an uncertain future – How much time
do I have? If we knew, ill or well, we would have lost the very essence of our
humanity.
We must live like
there is no tomorrow to fulfil what we must today and live like there are tomorrows
of endless time that we do not rush to conclusions that require time to
understand better.