58 revolutions around the sun

It’s a miracle baby

As times come and go, I realise I am a living miracle from the moment I took my first breath, with all the goodness and favour that has greeted me every waking day that has become the story of my life.

I am of all men greatly blessed, highly favoured, and extremely fortunate. Unexpectedly born at 26 and a half weeks at a time when it could have been decided I could not survive, even as the hospital in which I was born did not have the means to sustain me. I was taken to a hospital in another city about 25 miles away where I received the best care medicine could offer at the time.

An outlier to the convention

As a man of faith, every day whether acknowledged or not has had the hand of God sheltering and keeping me, through literally impossible situations, I can hardly count the innumerable blessings.

At another time, I was not meant to see my 44^th birthday, the prognosis gave me 5 weeks when the medical team in charge of my care made a diagnosis giving me the facts of the options before me. The good news depended on me tolerating the gruelling and debilitating chemotherapy for which I would be rewarded with more time.

Even medicine would prove me an outlier and the condition I had from studies at that time suggested the people did not last a decade. There were times I felt like a clock was ticking, it probably is the reason I hate the sound of ticking clocks. What was I learning from Captain James Hook in Peter Pan?

Living to live and thrive

Then, how have I measured myself against others thinking I will be limited by the experience of others when I was to live the life I am given to live and prosper. It is easy to live as if one were dying, yet there is a better story to live as one living and thriving regardless of situation or circumstance.

And here we are today, 58 revolutions around the sun, nothing I could have predicted or expected, it is all the grace of God, the prayers of many, the unstinting support of some, and the amazing love of Brian who plants a smile and grin that never wanes on my face.

I am full of gratitude to see this day and I believe there are many more amazing celebrations to come. In the stories I will write I cannot even begin to imagine the form or frame of words to narrate the miracles that astound as each day passes into milestones for which the praises to God will fill the mouths of many who love goodness, happiness, success, and joy.

This is my happy birthday.

In gratitude

Much appreciation

It has been an interesting year for me, and whilst I did not find myself doing much of what I would have wanted to do, I have done other things I would have rarely found myself doing and been enriched by it all.

By participating in activities and volunteering, I have in many ways inadvertently met influential people and been involved in consequential decision-making forums that I would never have attended, but I found a voice and an expression that would normally not be heard.

Above all, it is how I have been sustained through some of the toughest times, the support of my partner, my best friend, my sister, old partners, my neighbours, my parents, support groups, my community, and many others who have fervently kept me in their prayers and supplications, with encouragement, entreaty, and even unwelcome and probably justifiable rebuke that has caused offense.

For service

We entertain much in how we exist, but we need to be careful about what we allow to define us. Faith and hope have set a course for the realisation of many desires, they are the complementary force of what will result in better and more uplifting stories. In many disappointments in the resolution and resolve goodness, mercies, and blessings cannot miss us.

It was only on Monday that I thought I should arrive at Manchester Cathedral early, just in case there was any help needed since I am a church steward. They had everything in hand, and I took my seat before additional rows were added to the reserved seats. I was not asked to move to another seat.

Interesting encounters

Just before the event started, a gentleman with a lady arrived, the usual small talk about the weather after pleasantries followed and a few quips on things English and so on. They had travelled in from Sale, and he needed some help getting up for the carol songs.

After the interval, he said there were so many people to meet, he had to chat to the High Sheriff of Greater Manchester and a few Deputy Lieutenants as he was one too. I suppose, if I had been more observant, a man in a pin-striped suit, his wallet so thick it needed rubber bands to hold together, a few acknowledgements from here and there, this was a community stalwart, known for his contributions and charitable activities.

At 85, I would pass for a son, his companion just 75 years old, both of whom in the inclement weather of the northwest in December needn’t have bothered but still with enthusiasm and a sense of fun made an appearance that should be appreciated. As the carol concert ended, we shook hands, and he gave his name. A very accomplished man indeed.

In all, I am very grateful, it is the last day of 57 and it is unimaginable how I could have thrived without the amazing support of Brian. You bring light and love, with joy and laughter. Thank you.

Thought Picnic: We are not as connected as we think we are

The tears for fears

It was a strange feeling of regret and partly self-pity that one would not normally admit to when I went through a list of 15 job roles that I somehow felt I could not apply for. This, for all sorts of reasons as I felt the warmth of tears welling up around my eyes. It has been a long while since I have cried for myself and I do wonder if there is any relief in it.

The fact is and I would point it out in its own paragraph, people are a lot more vulnerable than they say or present, they are not as alright as they seem, they are not as happy and cheerful as they appear, and they need a lot more than just checking up on to ascertain how they are.

Out-of-date interventions

Yet, it is the assumptions that people make about others that I can be painfully aware of, that torches with flames of anguish or something like it. When I think of the other day and there are many to consider, the day some prayers were prayed that I thought could have been so useful, so many months before they seemed desperate and even out-of-date for the suffering that has been endured, it leaves a sense of abandonment and unease, that one should do the best not to attend to.

The other other (written for effect) day was another who called to determine how one was getting on and the core of his advice was I should not lose my confidence. Heck! I could have done with that kind of encouragement six or months ago, how do you light a fire in ashes already dampened in a storm? Still, from the ashes, the phoenix rises or something to that effect.

These totally out-of-date interventions may seem productive but that touch at the heart of another reality, that we are not as connected with our friends and family as we assume we are. There is an unquantifiable distance in what we think are thriving relationships for which familiarity has replaced discerning and discernment to elicit the full truth. Maybe I help myself better through what I write for my speech has the sophistication of concealment that is both trained and curtailed.

How I feel lost

There are days I am probably entirely myself, as many consciences are quickly salved with the rudimentary as one battles with an Esau complex, wherein has one served up birthright for a pot of soup? The judgement on him was tough even as he did prosper in a way. One is left wondering about the vicissitudes of life, maybe a time to reflect in Ecclesiastes. Even the comfort I seek therein seems to elude me.

I often get asked that question that probably a sense of pride promptly denies, it does loom about and I refuse to countenance it, I refuse to give it any rein, which does not mean it doesn’t yap at my heels, every now and again. I want to believe and at the same time one is losing grip, there is apparently so much love out there as I wrestle in my mind about things present, things existential, and things beyond, that sleep will not repair.

As one would expect, there is someone somewhere who would read this and genuflect to feigned apoplexy with the opinion, “It seems he is giving up and losing hope.” Thank you for your very genuine concern, after that, what has changed? 

The battle is always in our minds, in our heads, in our dreams, and sometimes interfered with by reality, but it is one we dare to fight to win, and, on this score, I will wipe away the tears and look up because it is not over until it is done.

Dreamscape: A Psalm of the stirred and troubled

 We are guarded by greater than you know

Take me to see what you were shown,
Tell me of the journey to that place,
For out of a dark hole that opened like a mouth,
He was pulled back out by the underarms,
In the uncovering of an act so unnatural,
Ere Abraham found the ram in the thicket,
Abraham was old and will not bury Isaac,
The hole that opened is closed from all sight,
The prayers of the congregations were strong,
For they prevailed upon the unholy sacrifice,
Averting the abomination of patriarchs,
Who are given to the rituals of the cursed.

That to which he was a witness in a dream,
Was made manifest as light shone on his deeds,
In it, he will not prosper or even survive,
The tree is one generation to raise new seed,
Come away from the place he was urged,
His shoulders rapped to bring him round,
As he woke his eyes were filled with tears,
Marvelling at the machinations of forebears,
We will not strive over things that do not last,
Not at this time or in a distant time to come.

He that keeps Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps,
It is by him that we are lifted from the pyre,
Even by the son of man who became the fourth,
After the heat is seven times strengthened,
By hand and foot and terror in their faces,
Their ashes not found dispersed in the wind,
What shall become the story told of them?
The past that attempts to consume the future,
Itself shall not be remembered or spoken,
Their hands were red and so involved,
The blood of the innocent now for justice calls.

Thought Picnic: Dreaming the possible from the impossible

Thoughts for living

I have dreams and I have prayers, all of which I want to come true for I felt it from deep inside today, a yearning, a desire, almost lovelorn by circumstances beyond my control, yet hopeful that this all would pass.

I see myself more and more elsewhere and with someone, my need for the touch and embrace is overwhelming to the point of disablement of ability that could frustrate if one does not come to quickly enough to consider what is within reach and what is the stuff of miracles made obvious.

My walk to Alexandra Park gave me time to think, to rationalise and to expect. I cry with my voice from inside. Sometimes without even making a sound, take me to the place where the amazing is indescribable, where hopes are exceeded blowing the mind, where love is so deep the bottom cannot be seen, where joy enlarges the heart to touch the world in a different way.

Notice at the entrance of Alexandra Park, Claremont Road close to Princess Road

Notice at the entrance of Alexandra Park, Claremont Road close to Princess Road

Alexandra Park lake

Chorlton Lodge

Alexandra Park lake

Alexandra Park lake

Alexandra Park lake

Alexandra Park lake

Chorlton Lodge

Heineken Brewery

After 2:25 hours of walking

At rest with a few aches

Thought Picnic: My mind is made up

Avoiding impending danger

The need to grab myself at the scruff of the neck and determine that circumstances will not become the determining force of decisions I end up making to the detriment of my welfare and well-being is paramount.

It has been a long week of events that have left me determined not to be ruled by the expediency of an offer that places me in the bowels of an organisation that is suffering rapid reputational decline and the flight of loyalty.

Large as that enterprise might be the events of the last week where their main readership product was abruptly withdrawn to stem the tide of opprobrium and righteous indignation means that those who were last in have every likelihood to be the first out and those who have not even started need to check their options and prospects before boarding the Titanic after it kissed the iceberg.

Digging in at home

The Netherlands has a greater draw for me than I realise after 11 years of making home and life here, my health is of the utmost importance and I find that the interaction, engagement, empathy and listening makes for helping the recovery process include a good deal of your involvement.

The prospect the UK offers if not all that great, it can meet the immediate issues for recurrent outgoings but cannot mend the breach that has been created by only having had an effective 8 months of employment out of 26 months – all a result of a long bout of illness and the economic situation.

The strain the prospects for this new job puts on oneself is unhealthy, with not relocation assistance one cannot afford to maintain an existence in two countries and really one cannot close down the existence in the current one in a matter of just 2 weeks.

My red lines and no further

The background checks have gone beyond reasonable requests for information to unpalatable intrusions as detail bank accounts and medical prescriptions it has become the classic case of the worship of cows for the providence of a juicy steak – those are my red lines, they will not be negotiated.

It however gave me the confidence to send a final letter of appeal to my old professional network for which I got a few encouraging responses as well as messages of regret that I might depart the Netherlands for an uncertain and uncomfortable return to where I felt I had given the complete heave-ho.

The visit to my medical consultant was quite favourable and that was followed by my first therapy session where the doctor assured me that I was in no way depressed, only anxious and in need of the opportunity to use professional services to help resolve the knotty areas of confusion, uncertainty, indecision and direction.

Ready for good times again

There are prospects for new opportunities and at least one interview for which I must be prepared to show that I know my stuff and can be very useful.

I suppose my mind is more or less made up and that is thanks to friends who gave me hours of listening ears and very useful advice, my future is here and all I can wish, hope and pray for is for the rains to come to water the seeds and make the times of famine a thing of the past and eventually a quite distant memory.

I could hear myself saying – O God! Help me and I smile as my state of mind changes to accommodate the dawning of a different and worthwhile outlook.

Cow piss makes them touchable

Touching the untouchable

Moving on from untouchable subjects one finds light relief in another situation that is supposed to make the untouchable touchable in India.

Apparently, a high-caste teacher and her accomplice performed a ritual of exorcism by spraying cow urine on low-caste students in order to purify them and help them study better.

Just like Nigeria, religion holds great sway that the ability to objectively analyse a situation with God-given brains and intellect is given up for the adherence to practices and doctrines that sometimes make the mental health of the practitioners questionable.

One sometimes wonders how prayers would work if an understanding of the situation is not properly grasped, researched and appreciated - instead, we pray vacuous words of incoherence and hope the jumble would line up properly somewhere and an answer not so obvious would materialise as a miracle.

Suddenly, the warmth of holy cow water might have a better soothing effect than calloused knees.

Meddling with another untouchable

For instance, one area in which people have required supernatural intervention is dealing with cancer; many expect a flash of light or some sudden enlightenment almost too reminiscent of a night club and disco lights.

Whereas, from a medical perspective we know that cancer requires nutrients; blood, water and minerals from the foods and nourishment we take, to thrive; certain drugs are being developed to starve cancers of nutrients thereby shrivelling the growths and making treatment even more effective.

A prayer or affirmation along the lines of denying cancers of nutrients you have taken to nourish your body might just be the key to a miracle; else another cup of cow urine might serve as tonic too.