Silence is a world of intrigue where
emotion can find refuge and pain is only registered where no one else can see
or feel it. The mind churns with thoughts tumbling in chaotic turbulence as the
conflict of reason and bafflement wages war within.
You have questions for which the
answers seem to be at the lips but the form of words that makes utterance
intelligible fails to find expression. Sometimes, you launch into glossolalia in a fervent cry from the core of your reins as you take your sheer humanity to the
place of succouring divinity.
You begin to write a Psalm of your own
situation like David did, so many times; this is where I am, but I know that even though it seems bleak and hopeless, goodness
and mercy follow me, all the days of my life. That is the story I will tell as
my mouth gets filled with testimonies of wonder, even my countenance exhibits the glow of brilliance that greets the dawning of a new day.
There are times when
situations and circumstances get together to frustrate that you begin hitting
out allowing the negativity to consume your thoughts and reactions. This is
when you need the quiet and quietness around you to reassess how you are responding
to things outside your control.
We can so easily be
helpless and forlorn, completely unable to see a way out that we are trapped
and immobile. It happens to many of us and it is part of life.
Yet, I have the good
fortune to sometimes step back and ask myself whether I am tackling issues in
the best way, if there ways in which I can change my mindset and adjust my
frame of mind so as not to be frustrated in the first instance and consequently
overwhelmed.
Beyond just coping
with it
There are many things
I have been able to shrug off or ignore, others I have tackled head-on, in
certain circumstances it is just a matter of accepting the situation whilst
looking for alternative remedies to mitigate the impact. I am affected, but
what long term effect and hold would I allow to define my outlook.
I believe in prayers;
the problem is usually not the prayer but finding the right words for the
prayers you want answered. You may not get a miracle, but a speedy recovery
with the medication working well for you, your wellbeing and quality of life,
might well be a great miracle when looked back on as a blessing to be counted.
We are a storied
existence of feats that do not have to end in defeats. Whilst every defeat we
face is most definitely an old feat better understood for new strength, renewed
courage and acquired skill.
Mindful of better
prayers
We are not always
assailed by enemies, sometimes what we require is mercy, grace, and favour. To looked
favourably upon when you are applying for something. To be given good
consideration, time, and space to meet obligations. To have others treat you kindly,
respectfully, with courtesy and a sense of dignity could be all headway you
need towards some achievement.
Today, my concern is
with a whole range of plans, my desire to travel, the opportunity for remote
working from anywhere on the globe, meeting up with my partner, getting
married, planning our future together with all the means that help many of our
dreams come true. A cloud appears to be in a way of the sunlight of warmth and
life to these visions.
I cannot be
preoccupied with the clouds; the limitations are momentary, and clouds move on
eventually. In the exercise of patience and the assurance of hope that the
temporary will always be that and the desires of the heart put into prayer does
come true in more fantastical and mind-blowing ways than anticipated, I find new
peace, to lie down in green pastures and beside the still waters, this walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, will soon be over.
Psalm 23 was the
recitation of refuge that I woke to say every night probably hundreds of times
in my first term of boarding school, haunted by things only I could see and
sounds only I could hear. Such was the menace of my disturbance that the first
half of my second term was spent as a day student living with my aunt.
Psalm 23 however is
like a rare diamond, which when put up to light has a colour too mesmerising
for words, a cut by the craftmanship of divine providence, a clarity in message
that is individualised in revelation to those who meditate on it and a carat
weight of priceless value.
I say this because
just under 5 months ago, I received a revelation that came at a time that I
needed to understand how the Lord is my shepherd. With it came a calmness in my
soul and an assurance that things would turn out right. Soon, I got a new job
in the midst of a pandemic and the way it came about was just too amazing to
describe.
As I was engaged in a conversation this evening, I was persuaded to share my new understanding as a
word of comfort. We were communicating by text on WhatsApp as I began to write
what I thought I was going to share.
What transpired just
blew my mind for as I was writing, some new insight came to me that I had never
seen before, unveiling to the eyes of my understanding that it was as if I
was now sermonising to both myself and the person I was chatting.
2.He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3.He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4.Yea, though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art
with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5.Thou preparest a
table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with
oil; my cup runneth over.
6.Surely goodness and
mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of
the LORD for ever.
Doing waters and
feeling pastures
There are a number of
themes running through these 6 verses, repeated over and over again, whilst each
successive verse reinforces the relationship between the shepherd and the
sheep. I have before indicated that if the Lord is my shepherd, by inference, I
would be His sheep and that is why we end up at the green pastures where the
sheep can feed and the still waters where the sheep can peacefully drink.
I also find that
there is the thread of what the shepherd does as a shepherd and for the sheep
and what that does for the sheep and how the sheep feel. There is an anthropomorphic
quality to these relationships, but please forgive my amateurish attempt at
expounding this text.
Finding the recurring
themes
Taking each verse, I
address the themes.
1.The LORD is my
shepherd; I shall not want.
Here, what he does is
shepherd and by reason of that, I want for nothing.
2.He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Here, he does lead
the sheep beside the still waters, a place of peace and refreshing, as the
sheep lays in the verdant pastures they feed to their satisfaction unperturbed.
In King James’
English, the -eth suffix denotes a present continuous tense. So, read maketh
and continues to make and leadeth as continues to lead. The job of a shepherd
when the sheep are about is never left undone at any time.
3.He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
As he leads the sheep
in the right and sure path continuously, for that is what the shepherd does by
profession, by duty, and by name. There, you see a form of still waters.
Where he continues to
restore the soul bringing comfort, peace and assurance reads like a form of
green pastures. An abundance of mental restoration means we are never left
exhausted by any situation.
4.Yea, though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art
with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
The still waters
might get turbulent or the green pastures might be exhausted after a time of
grazing. This would mean the shepherd has to herd the sheep to new green pastures
and still waters.
The sheep are always
led by the shepherd and the shepherd knows the many green pastures and still
waters all around the wilderness to lead the sheep to, to ensure never want for
provision of comfort.
Getting to the next
green pastures and still waters might include traversing the valley of the
shadow of death where dangers lurk from the sheep straying and brought back
into the flock with the rod or where predators are warded off with the staff.
The shepherd, ever
vigilant is with the sheep and the sheep should fear no danger or accident as
the shepherd is there. In our lives, we also traverse difficulty, adversity,
trials, tribulations and negative circumstances. The Lord with us will lead us
out of it to new triumphs in life.
5.Thou preparest a
table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with
oil; my cup runneth over.
Here we are, having
gone through the valley of the shadow of death with the sheep, the new green
pastures are a table set before us where our enemies can see but never assail
us. The new still waters are the anointing of the head, succouring and
empowerment with capacity. We can only thrive for we are in a place of joy.
We have become
warriors, celebrating victories over situations, circumstances and issues in
life.
6.Surely goodness and
mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of
the LORD for ever.
Yet, the table is
just a place of transition for there is another possible valley of the shadow
of death that the shepherd has to herd the sheep to, where the still waters are
now goodness and mercy in all the days of our lives and the green pastures of
the final destination is dwelling in the house of the Lord forever.
At this point, we are
no more mere sheep, but people, living and enjoying the blessings of the Lord.
Goodness being everything right, good and desirous for wellbeing, health, and a
sense of contentment in not wanting for anything. Mercy in that there is no
guilt or condemnation, we have been continuously led in the paths of
righteousness from verse 3.
I have dreams and I
have prayers, all of which I want to come true for I felt it from deep inside today,
a yearning, a desire, almost lovelorn by circumstances beyond my control, yet
hopeful that this all would pass.
I see myself more and
more elsewhere and with someone, my need for the touch and embrace is overwhelming
to the point of disablement of ability that could frustrate if one does not
come to quickly enough to consider what is within reach and what is the stuff
of miracles made obvious.
My walk to Alexandra Park
gave me time to think, to rationalise and to expect. I cry with my voice from
inside. Sometimes without even making a sound, take me to the place where the
amazing is indescribable, where hopes are exceeded blowing the mind, where love
is so deep the bottom cannot be seen, where joy enlarges the heart to touch the
world in a different way.
Notice at the entrance of Alexandra Park, Claremont Road close to Princess Road
Notice at the entrance of Alexandra Park, Claremont Road close to Princess Road
After my post-work
nap, I was up just 15 minutes before my allotted gym timeslot, but I was not
keen. The gym is a sterile lonely place, mechanised for exertion to some bodily
profit and nothing else, especially if you are alone there.
On the treadmill, you
key in your weight, programme, duration, speed, age and it starts off racing you
to the optimal heart rate whilst you find distraction in the timers and
counters for time, calories, distance, watts and what not.
Even with the music
playing in my ears, there is no quiet to meditate either in what you are hearing
or the stillness that comes with appreciating nature. No, the gym is no fun
without some company.
In natural beauty
However, I do like walking around the city, though I did not find useful information for walks
around Manchester. Taking a different course, I walked to Platt Fields Park in
Fallowfield, south of Manchester City. It has a pleasure lake with ducks, geese
and swans. Walking around the lake is about 400 metres and I did that about 4
times before I charted another route home.
After 2 hours 15
minutes, I took a rest at St. Peter’s
Square for some 20 minutes before returning home. A bit of thigh strain, I
will recover by the morning. I think I will get a better and rewarding time
walking out to parks, meditating, sometimes singing, chanting, or praying. It
is more relaxing, and I am not waiting for the clock to countdown, to escape
from the drudgery of unrefreshing solitude in an airless gym.
Three weeks ago, I
was invited to participate in the Deepak Chopra Creating
Abundance: 21-Day Meditation Challenge, the introduction from my friend was
easy enough and non-committal, most particularly, it was non-judgemental, we
could choose to exit without having to explain ourselves or suffer for it. [Spotify]
I believe everyone
invited stayed the course, which speaks more to the persuasive acumen of our
friend than anything else. On reflection, I cannot think of anyone else who
would have been able to persuade me to engage in this sort of thing that was
patently so left field of my vision. I had heard of Deepak Chopra before and I
thought he was one of these New-Age gurus who have a surfeit of motivational
feel-good spiel that left you just feeling good.
All on willing trust
The medium of
communication with the group was a WhatsApp group where the principal for each
day posted instructions, a task, a phrase to remember, a mantra, and an audio
file that guided the meditation process. There was a preference for documenting
all activities in a notebook with longhand writing, something, I do rarely do,
yet found quite therapeutic.
I would normally have
researched a programme like this before committing, but I took it on trust that
it would be a new experience and bought into it. The slight misgiving of
chanting mantras of words I had no understanding of left me concerned as I hope
that I guard my utterances enough to choose the words I speak carefully,
measuring what message I am about to convey.
Tasked tasking tasks
The first day
required listing at least 50 people who had influenced my life, it looked like
a daunting task, yet, I did exceed that number, and documenting how they have
influenced me was a revelation in itself, some assignations would not have been
in consideration, if it were not a task. I could see myself working on
appreciating all these people more.
By the fifth day, we
were being asked to create our own meditation groups by inviting others to
participate from a new Day 1, flashes of multi-level marketing went through my
mind much as I thought it was quite ambitious to insinuate and expect that
level of trust and allegiance to the scheme. Deeper down, it was the most
challenging thing of the whole exercise as it pitched itself against every
English bone in my body.
It showed that
despite the adaptation of the meditation activity to Western cultures the
mantras in Sanskrit with the background mood music more classical than Asian,
this was not going to leap over cultural boundaries with effortless ease, we
are too individualistic to subscribe to communal New-Age and alternative
medicine philosophies. I almost dropped out at this point, but in a discussion
with my boyfriend, I stayed the course.
Some benefit in it
In general, I think
the exercises or tasks were illuminating about relationships, anxieties,
understanding place, person, and personality, how we fit in the universe of
ideas, events, and people, and how to unburden ourselves with cares, worries, and
difficulties that might beset us. Many of these aspects I could relate to from
my Christian philosophy, for I could see what we were getting at. Calmness,
resolve, and resilience.
I am glad I was
invited to participate in this mediation challenge, I saw it as a useful
experience, and the daily phrases will come in handy for meditation and thought
processes. Though it is unlikely I would enter a challenge like this in the
future or in this format, I could see gathering friends for times of
reflection, introspection, and the exchange of views and ideas.
My conclusion is, that the
challenge is a participatory exercise in discipline to be considered at least once, and you
might gain a lot more than you put in it, for me it is knowledge and insight along
with a sense of calm. Once I got into the spirit of things, I was looking
forward to the next day along with the surprises of leading and direction which
inspired me in ways I appreciate a lot. From the audio track, there were times
when all that seemed like thank you for taking on this challenge was the Namaste
greeting at the end.
A few weeks ago, I
was invited to participate in a group exercise of self-awareness and the
development of understanding purpose. This was something I would normally not
be persuaded to do, but it was interesting enough to get stuck in.
Some of the exercises
brought perspectives and enlightenment to areas of relationships I have
cultivated, those that have turned sour and the rest that have lapsed out of
the passage of time, the passage of souls, the passage of proximity, or the
passage of situation.
The seeds of travel
In reflecting on one
aspect, I have someone who would have been one of my oldest friends, we met in
a pub, near Bayswater, in November 1991. Something about him in the look, in the
appearance, and in the conversation just made him quite attractive. The
encounter led to a night back at my place.
Over the years, a friendship that did not result in a relationship developed, he moved around in London and I moved out to Ipswich, his
infectious curiosity helping me explore places I would never have been
interested in. Then he returned home to Germany and eventually settled in
Berlin. It was at his prompting that I first visited Berlin and then began to see
the usefulness of travel. I caught a sense of adventure that became a European
tour from London to Budapest return, including 10 cities.
Drink to the brink
That friendship
soured about 7 years ago when twice in an inebriated state, things were said by
him just unforgivable. I decided it was best to cease entertaining
the idea of friendship as what is said under the influence is the expression of
things that sobriety will constrain. Many attempts by friends to reconcile us,
I have rebuffed.
Yet, I hold no
grudge, it was just a case that the relationship had become unhealthy, at least
for me, if not for him. It is probably not helped by the fact that I hardly
drink, I am mostly sober, and I hope I have better control of my tongue, no
matter the thoughts going on in my head.
For a better man
So, today, I was
asked to reflect on how I might have been hurt in the past, this, of all the
other issues I could have brought to the fore is the one that jumped out. This
is where the power of thought and meditation begins to change perspectives.
For all the presumed
failings of my old friend, there is a lot he has contributed to enrich my life,
in exciting my curiosity for travel and exploration and in allowing his vulnerabilities
at certain times to reveal some of my shortcomings when I think I am in a
better place.
Our friendship has
become a different kind of mirror, not so much of him, but now of how I need to
make accommodations to acknowledge a broader good over a momentary lapse that
could change the trajectory of a relationship when reviewed on the whole is
more substantial than the immediate. It is a growth process and I am open to
learning to be a better man.
In many ways, I am a
creature of habit, many of the things I find a sense of comfort in I have
written about especially when it comes to food and travel. However, one aspect that
appears in my writings much as I would rather it reflected in expression than
wear it on my sleeve is my spirituality.
It has a very
Christian underpinning influenced by many denominations from which I have drawn
strength and support through the good and the bad times where I find endurance,
resilience, hope and expectation, knowing that things shall pass, and other
things shall come to pass.
In that wealth of experience,
I find unusually safe refuge from the turmoil around me, that I can return to
my spiritual shelter like a treehouse in the garden away in silence to calm my
soul is amazing.
Calm in the memory
Whilst I was chatting
to my best friend, I cannot remember what made me search for Danniebelle Hall, a
gospel singer and songwriter who passed on in 2000. In my personal prayer time
back in 1988, I had a cassette tape of her songs, certain lyrics in her songs ministered
life to my fragile soul. When she died, there was a particular song I could not
get hold of, I probably last heard it in 1988.
At least, that is
what I thought when my search showed up the song on YouTube. After my phone
conversation, I played back the music repeatedly amazed I could remember most
of the words whilst sorting out the mondegreens. There are periods of spiritual
awakening that are recreated in returning to what I know and understand, like
the tried and tested that gives me some renewal.
Recalling the times
It reminds me of one
night Brian and I were at the Nobel Square in Cape Town, and this young man brought
out his guitar and started playing gospel music, the songs of about 20 years
ago, many from the Hillsong Music and
Michael W. Smith
catalogue, literally, all but two I remembered and sang along to.
In my times of
meditation and seeking succour, there is a place for music from a certain place,
like the minstrel strumming on a harp heralding a peaceful sense of being upon my
thoughts, my mind, my soul, chasing worries and anxieties to forgotten places
and reaffirming faith that makes miracles of the incomprehensible.
Waxing lyrically with
effort
Whilst, I was at it,
I decided to get the lyrics to What Can I Do from my hearing of the song, as I
could not find any record online. Here goes and if you hear differently, help
me with a comment. I always thought there was a refrain, but from the lyrical genius
of this lady, nothing is really the same, then add the flourish of her vocal
ability, I believe this song should be heard in choirs again.
Lyrics: What can I
do?
What can I do?
To be of service Lord, to you,
How can I be pleasing in your sight?
I will give all that I am,
I’ll, I’ll do everything I can,
To show the world I love you,
With all my heart and mind.
Hmm, What can I do?
I just wanna be of service Lord, to you,
How can I be pleasing in your sight?
Here’s what I’m gonna do,
I’ll give you every, everything I am,
I’ll do everything I can,
To show the world I love you,
With all my heart and mind.
Whoa, What I am to
some,
May not seem like much,
Oh, but what I am sure becomes,
Something great with just one touch of your hand,
So here, Lord, here I am,
Asking you.
What can I do?
What can I do?
I just wanna be of service Lord, to you,
How can I be pleasing in your sight?
I know what I’ll do,
I’ll give you everything I am,
And I’ll do everything I can,
I’ve gotta show the world I love you,
With all my heart and mind.
Whoa, What I am to
some,
May not seem like much, Hey yeah!
But what I am sure becomes,
Something great with, all I need is,
One, one touch of the Master’s hand,
Hey, hey,
So here I am Lord,
I’m asking you.
What can I do?
Tell me what can I do?
Lord, to be of service to you,
How can I be pleasing in your sight?
I made up my mind,
I’m gonna give you every, every, everything I am,
I’ll do everything I can,
I wanna show the world I love ya,
You already know it,
But I gotta let the world, know I love you,
I sure do love you,
With all my heart and mind, I love you,
You saved my soul,
That’s why I love you,
You set me free,
(Lord, I love you)
I sure do love you,
You set me free,
I love you, Jeez,
I love you, I love you,
(Sure do love you)
You’ve been so good to me,
I love you, I love you,
With all of my heart, I sure do love you Jesus,
Yes I do,
(Lord I love you)
Sure do,
Lord you know I love you,
But I’ve gotta let the world know that I love you,
I love you, I love you, Jesus,
(Sure do love you)
(Love you Lord)
Oh! Because you’ve been so good to me,
You set me free,
(Sure do love you)
You open doors that I couldn’t see my way,
(Love you Lord)
And I love Jesus,
Somehow, I gotta tell the world,
That I love you, I love you,
(Lord, I love you)
O yes, I do,
How can I say it?
How can I say it?
I love you,
Oh, I love you Jesus,
(Sure do love you, love you Lord)
The piece below has
variously been misattributed and quite more to George Carlin with a believable
story that could make its provenance almost indisputable. Being one to always
trust, but verify, I took a line from that quote and did a search where
Snopes.com, the debunker of note on the Internet cleared the air about who
really wrote these words. [Snopes.com]
The paradox of our
time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more,
but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses
and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but
less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much,
smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too
angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied
our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.
We've learned how to
make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the
air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to
rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to
produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times
of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits
and shallow relationships.
These are the days of
two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days
of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands,
overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when
there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when
technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either
to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember, to spend
some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around
forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a
warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give
with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say,
"I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all
mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of
you.
Remember to hold
hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious
thoughts in your mind.
It is sometimes
difficult to be left to one’s thoughts as event and episode provide material to
ruminate over and over again of absence and occupation.
For life does go on
for those who have much doing whilst those seeking something to do are left
idling about course, cause, purpose, perspective and direction.
Yet, the days
coming present opportunities to show oneself again as able and capable, even so
there are some ready to prepare you for an unsure future which might well be
bright and rosy.
Smothered from bother
Snapping back to
the thoughts you wonder again, the sympathy moves nothing forward but the fact
that things are known whilst the promises made remain unfulfilled that one must
stretch to do what one is barely equipped to do.
Burdened by
emotions beyond oneself of urgency and tendency, the day lays waste before the
dusk is done.
One must however
abandon the thoughts before regret and betrayal become the seeds of self-pity
and dark clouds billow of despair and discouragement bearing acid rain because of being alone in the
loneliness of a stupefying lonesomeness. They must not bother for the bothersome
is nowhere but here.
