Held in Tension: Sexuality and Spirituality

Navigating Sexuality and Faith in Religious Spaces

There's a conversation I had recently that keeps replaying in my mind. It started with a Facebook post about the conflicts between sexuality and spirituality in Christian communities, and before I knew it, I was in a deep exchange with someone facing what they called a "horrifying" internal conflict. They were an aspiring Anglican priest in Nigeria, caught between their calling to ministry and their authentic self.

This isn't just their story. It's the story of countless individuals sitting in pews, leading worship, teaching Sunday school, or aspiring to ministry, whilst carrying a weight that feels unbearable. The conflict between sexuality and spirituality in religious settings is real, raw, and deeply personal.

The Weight of Worthiness

What struck me most in our conversation was how quickly we default to the language of worthiness and condemnation. My response to them came from years of wrestling with these same questions: Jesus died for us regardless. Grace teaches us godliness. These aren't just theological platitudes; they're lifelines for those drowning in guilt.

The fundamental question isn't whether God loves us despite who we are, but whether we can accept that God loves us because of who we are: fully, authentically, completely. When we understand that the Father sees us through what Christ did for us, not through what we do ourselves, it changes everything. Or at least, it should.

The Complexity of Conflict

As our conversation deepened, I found myself laying out the layers of conflict that many face. It's never just one thing. There's the matter of attraction itself: acknowledging it, understanding it, accepting it.

Then there's the question of what to do with that attraction. Do you seek companionship? Commit to celibacy? Try to change? Each path comes with its own set of challenges and consequences.

For those called to ministry, like my conversation partner, the stakes feel even higher. In conservative religious environments, particularly in places like Nigeria where the Anglican Church takes strongly traditional stances, the choice can feel impossible: your calling or your truth, your ministry or your authenticity.

The Geography of Grace

I mentioned Reverend Jide Macaulay to them: a gay Anglo-Nigerian Anglican priest who founded The House of Rainbow and now ministers in the UK. His story illustrates something crucial. Sometimes finding peace means finding new spaces. Not everyone can or should leave their religious community, but knowing that affirming spaces exist can be lifesaving.

The geographic and denominational differences in how churches handle these issues are stark. What's considered grounds for exclusion in one congregation might be celebrated in another. This isn't about church shopping for convenience; it's about finding communities where you can worship authentically and serve fully.

Compartmentalisation versus Integration

Near the end of our exchange, I suggested something that might sound counterintuitive: sometimes we need to compartmentalise to gain liberty from our conflicts. This isn't about living a double life or hiding parts of yourself. It's about recognising that different aspects of our identity might need different kinds of attention and space to develop.

You can be deeply spiritual and sexually aware. You can be called to ministry and attracted to the same sex. You can love God and struggle with church doctrine. These aren't contradictions to be resolved but tensions to be held with grace.

Moving Forward

What I've learnt from conversations like these is that there's no one-size-fits-all solution to navigating sexuality and faith. For some, the answer is finding affirming religious communities. For others, it's reinterpreting scripture through a more inclusive lens. Still others find peace in celibacy or in stepping away from organised religion whilst maintaining their spirituality.

The key is this: the conflict doesn't have to be horrifying. It can be transformative. It can lead to a deeper, more authentic faith, one that doesn't require you to leave parts of yourself at the church door.

To those facing these struggles, know that you're not alone. There are communities, resources, and people who have walked this path before you. The journey towards integrating your sexuality and spirituality might be challenging, but it doesn't have to be a journey of condemnation. It can be a journey towards wholeness, towards a faith that embraces all of who you are.

Because at the end of the day, any God worth worshipping is big enough to handle our complexity, our questions, and our authentic selves. The real question isn't whether God accepts us. It's whether we're brave enough to accept ourselves.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Blessed and fortunate is who I am

The Quiet Event

I have been asked several times what I am doing for my birthday, and the honest truth is, I am not doing much; perhaps only if something happens that I probably have no part in. The sense of occasion seems to overwhelm me; I would prefer to withdraw into solitude rather than participate in some celebration.

The last significant event surrounding my birthday was when I turned 49. It was all arranged by a young friend, and there were many guests, most of whom were acquaintances rather than close friends. As the celebration reached its peak at my friend's apartment, I withdrew to rest. I was already in dreamland when the last guest departed.

Yet each revolution around the sun does call for a celebration. I mark each one with thankfulness and gratitude. I am profoundly fortunate and blessed, which I recognise without dispute or argument.

A Dreadful Condition Loomed

When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in June 2024, I was advised to commence active treatment. I told the doctors I had other plans: I was going on holiday, and it was only after returning that I would begin to consider what lay ahead.

My plan at that time was to spend time with Brian, but it was also a difficult period. I was reading correspondence between doctors about my case, and besides learning of the cancer diagnosis over a week before meeting with the specialist (due to mishandling of my records), I also saw that their chatter suggested the cancer was malignant.

To a layperson like me, I did not realise that all cancers are considered malignant in medical terms. Though in reality, the meaning wasn’t far off: it was evil, malevolent, dangerous, invasive, and possibly aggressive as well.

Batting and Battling in the Mind

Not only was the prospect daunting, but it was also frightening. I had to take control of the thoughts rushing through my mind and fill my listening with sermons about healing and living. Sometimes a creeping cloud would interfere, emboldening thoughts I was trying hard not to entertain: the idea that this cancer, which I could neither see nor feel, had the capacity to kill.

I fought off these invasions of morbidity and mortality, encouraging myself that I would see the better end of this ordeal. I would walk through the valley of the shadow and fog of cancer to emerge into the brilliant light of the sun, into green pastures and beside still waters.

The goodness and mercy of God, along with faith in the same, restored my soul and gave me hope. It was not going to be a journey without support for both the good times and the bad.

Looking to the Best Ahead

As it turned out, after completing radiotherapy, I took an extended sick leave and spent seven weeks in Cape Town with Brian. I had wished to celebrate this occasion with him; my hopes did not turn into concrete plans, but I do not view that as unfortunate. Opportunities once lost can be reclaimed, even after a temporary setback.

We will do more of this, not just in visits and fleeting moments, but also in the near future of living together, where absence would be reserved for the mundane and routine daily matters, such as work and university.

Every morning will begin with a smile, a kiss, and a prayer, and every night with gratitude, a kiss, and joy in our hearts. We live to tell better stories, and my mouth is full of testimonies of such stories.

It's A Wonderful Life

Help is coming

Sometimes, it is not clear what things people are going through: demands, pressures, trauma, psychological issues, unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, or just the humdrum of daily life. In all this, one must continue to live and seek to thrive, because that is what living is all about.

I just finished watching an abridged version of the 1946 film, It's A Wonderful Life, on Amazon Prime Video, which would form the themes of our discussions in church during the Advent season that started last Sunday, but was deferred for the silver jubilee of our bishop's enthronement as a bishop in the Church of England.

There were times when I shed a tear while watching the film, which, on its release, barely broke even at the box office, but over the years, has become a Christmas staple of generosity and redemption against the odds. The need for a life partner, for prayer, and knowing you have a guardian angel can make all the difference to an existence bordering on despondency.

“Senior Angel: A man down on Earth needs our help.
Clarence: Splendid. Is he sick?
Senior Angel: No, worse. He's discouraged.” A conversation in heaven from the film.

Under the darkest clouds

The concept of being discouraged stems from various factors, including losing confidence or hope, feeling that one's efforts don't make a difference, or believing goals are out of reach. These issues meet us in different places and affect us to varying degrees.

There may be the kind of resilience that helps one see beyond the present, or sometimes one can get overwhelmed to the point of seeking an outlet. Either way, this represents the fragility of our humanity, which is difficult to explain to people who see us as stalwarts and leaders, in thought and deed.

In the last few months, even as I seem to have powered through a lot of things in health, at work, and in general relationships, I am drawn to the realisation that I might be exhausted. Feeling a lot better after cancer treatment, whilst grateful for the developments and progress, does not make it less impactful. It was a daunting situation, with support coming from just a handful of people.

The safety of withdrawing

Apart from the two weeks' break I had in August and September, I have worked since the first working day of the year, returning from sick leave and hardly structuring the return to work. In terms of family, most just thought it was another headache; only two of my siblings kept engaged from when I was diagnosed through my treatment.

I began to cut down on my social interactions and withdrew into my shell, my engagements mainly limited to my partner, my best friend, my church community, the work environment, and a few friends. I need the time to myself without shouldering responsibilities or fielding issues. I have done enough for the purposes of legacy, if that matters at all.

Even at the emotional low points, I must encourage myself. I see possibility within the flux and the fog, knowing the dark clouds have to shift for the sunshine to give light, warmth, and life.

Most of all, I am truly fortunate, exceedingly grateful, and amazingly blessed. “No man is a failure who has friends.” I am thankful for the friends I have; they pray for me, support me, encourage me, give me hope, and restore my faith, showing me such undeserved, unconditional love. It is indeed a wonderful life, after all.

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 In the shoes of another

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” Helen Keller

I stepped out this evening because I had a craving for hash browns which would normally be served as part of an English breakfast meal. I care nothing for having at supper, what should be had for breakfast.

A younger man met me to ask for alms and we both recognised each other, because over the last 18 months or so, I have been opportuned to facilitate boarding, meals, and other things that could alleviate his situation.

As I had no change, but was going to the local supermarket, I asked if he would want something to eat from there. I had not noticed that he always hid his right arm. This time as we conversed because he was aware I had cancer; he decided to show me his right arm.

Changing a congenital narrative

A condition from birth meant the bones in his arm were poorly formed and the hospital had decided to amputate the arm. He left the care of the hospital because he was not ready to deal with an amputation, but the hand was hanging of the arm, limp, swollen and could develop into a serious life-threatening condition as sepsis or worse.

That had me concerned that I advised him to seek further medical supervision based on how the possible loss of the arm might impact his quality of life. Introducing some humour, I suggested if he had a hook for a right hand, he might get to share thrilling stories with kids, because the state of the limb at this time did not offer any utility or confidence to his situation.

Nipping it in the bud

In a moment of self-deprecation, I averred that I would not want to be the making of a nursery rhyme that ran along the lines of

He was a tall and big man, it would seem,
But the walnut of his prostate was the end of him.

What can be dealt with before it becomes too serious to manage is best dealt with now. We got a meal, a snack and drinks before we parted ways. He said he would return to hospital to see what can be done for him.

I thought about how fortunate I have been, even after two episodes of cancer, no precarity, deprivation, or adversity, I have ever experienced compares to any extent, the challenges this man has seen in his own life. I hope I give him some encouragement that things can change, but anytime I see him, whatever I can do to help him, I would do.

There is always someone worse off that you, count your blessings and be grateful for who you are, and what you have.

Shaped by a world of champions

We need champions

What I cannot deny is the need for champions in your life, people who see the potential and the best in you, long before you realise you could be anything. Even more so are the people who believe in you, who encourage you, give you the support to begin to believe in yourself, and offer the scarce opportunities of access and privilege to attain what might have at one time been totally impossible.

In my life, I have had many champions, out of all sorts of persuasions, the people who pulled you up when you were down and those who firm the foundations of the platforms on which you stand, you should also not forget those who do not want you to stand still resting on your laurels, they want to see you progress and they try to remove the obstacles that seem to pre-empt you.

Create your vision

The need for a vision for yourself that you can begin to think and to dream and to work towards realising is one of the biggest challenges an individual faces. How do you begin a journey to a destination you cannot even visualise yourself getting to? While an accident of good fortune might happen, we cannot live by accidents and make that a purpose for life.

Today, I remember one of the greatest champions of my life, Cash Soyinka, an uncle and relation on both side of my family who almost 40 years ago became my guardian and mentor. He led by example rather than by instruction. He took me into confidences while nurturing my voice of expression and sense of adventure in ways I could never have imagined, yet in such impactful ways.

Most of all, he allowed me the courage of my convictions, obviously, I had to convince him of why I was making a decision, even as he shepherded me with insight to be more rational than emotional. He passed on three years ago and he is sorely missed.

Take on the mantel

When another friend and mentor, John Coll, passed on at the end of 2013, I did wonder who would champion me in the issues of life. However, someone else suggested that the torch had been passed on to me to champion, mentor, and encourage others, in the same way that I have benefited from the counsel of those who came before.

Much as I strive to live up to this standard, I know I am hardly close to the standard of those who have stood up, stood for, and stood in for me. I will not relent, I hope to get better. My best friend of over 40 years is another who a few have indicated, I could never be impugned, like I could never do any wrong. I have many wrongs, but I am given allowances and forgiven easily for my failings, and I am grateful that none of my failings are used against me.

The partner champion

However, daily, it is Brian that champions me at every moment, the way I am loved so deeply and unconditionally, the way he believes in me, encourages me, and strengthens me even when I seem to lack the resolve. He sees possibilities with facility, even in the midst of limited resources and straitened circumstances, he is a believer.

I do not acknowledge this enough nor is as appreciated to the extent that it has been valuable. I do not exist in isolation; I am a product of the numerous investments of champions that have willed me on beyond where my sights and abilities could carry me. I am grateful for having had the tutelage of champions and the enduring support of those who uphold me daily.

A prostate cancer diagnosis, one year on

Time always matters.

In the passage of time lies the recognition of many things: living, living well, and the joy of living. This is true despite, and in spite of, other issues such as adversity, disappointment, unfulfilled yearnings, betrayals, and episodes of diagnoses that lay bare our vulnerability and mortality.

I count my blessings and celebrate each day as an opportunity to enjoy and behold the goodness in people, ideas, and places. Having the strength and means to do so places us among the privileged in ways we often fail to appreciate.

I rarely consider myself lucky; I am more inclined to think of myself as fortunate, not by my own doing or ability, but by mercy and grace. I can only express my gratitude that each day brings opportunity and ease, ample ability, and extraordinary capacity.

The extent of our imagination and vision defines our limitations; we can only exceed them through inspiration and revelation. The scope of our influence can be limitless, but until we believe it and are convinced of that possibility, we resemble chickens seeking the perspective of eagles.

Once you know, you know.

A year ago today, I was reading hospital notes from the consultant I had seen the day before, and in an instant, I became a victim of computerization without appropriate human oversight.

A diagnosis that I should never have learnt about before meeting the responsible consultant appeared in my records and was something the consultant I visited the day before should have reviewed before posting.

That is how I unwittingly discovered the diagnosis of adenocarcinoma of the prostate. A year is quite a long time when it comes to a cancer diagnosis, as you are left wondering what it entails, if it is treatable, how you will tolerate the treatment once you have decided on whatever course is available, and the aftereffects of that ordeal.

Giving thanks always.

I was not prepared for a second diagnosis of cancer, but when it came, I encouraged myself with words and sermons about healing and living, seeing beyond adversity, and leaving no room for discouragement, regardless of the prospects ahead.

Obviously, some eight months after completing radical radiotherapy, some lingering side effects remain; my voice is light, high, and sometimes sounds quite tired, but in myself, as Brian would typically enquire, I am doing fine. All thanks to God, my partner, my friends, my colleagues, the teams of medical personnel striving for the best outcomes, and that earnest desire to tell a better story.

This puts everything into perspective; each day is a blessing.

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Having a spirit of gratitude

Guy Penrod - Count Your Blessings (Live) Gaither Music TV.

With tears of joy

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” Helen Keller

There are variations of the quote above attributed to others in sermons, books, or articles, however, Helen Keller was profound in the fact that she was both blind and deaf from the age of 19 months old.

What is significant about this saying is having a great sense of gratitude regardless of your circumstances, because there is almost definitely someone quite worse off than you are.

Sometimes, I just watch one of those talent shows to see surprising performances from amazing and extraordinary people who have overcome serious adversity to showcase their talent before what eventually is a global audience. The times I have cried for joy on their behalf are innumerable as you reflect on the goodness of life you enjoy.

Join with the blessed

Learning not to be pitiful, but exceedingly thankful is a state of mind; maybe even the grace of being able to put things in perspective. Giving not too much weight to what is going wrong when you can lift your spirits with what is going right.

Knowing how to count your blessings, great and small, naming them one by one like the old hymn says, can make all the difference to how your day is going. 

I take much encouragement from the beauty and support that surrounds me, Brian, who is ever loving and unstintingly filling my ears with loveliness, friends who have my back through thick and thin, God, my rock, my shield, my shelter, my comfort, and my strength. [Hymnary.org Count Your Blessings]

When the going gets tough, and the outlook seems rough, you feel you have had enough. “Do not be discouraged, God is over all; Count your many blessings, angels will attend, Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.”

The arm of flesh will fail you

"Stand Up Stand Up For Jesus" by 250 Voice Mass Choir

I do not remember the tune

While in church on Sunday, I was in a conversation where I saw familiar words of hymns I had sung from the Songs of Praise hymn book that was used in my Methodist-founded secondary school. It was first published in 1925, with updated editions thereafter.

However, it was quite discomfiting for one to know the words of a hymn only for the organist to play a rather unfamiliar tune. The nostalgic moment of recognition and being taken back in time to life probably only slightly more innocent than now, is lost in trying to find your place and rhythm again.

Hear me sing with aplomb

Then with the Offertory hymn, I, with full-throated voice, swayed in syncopation and rhythmic candour, I knew the words and the organist played the tune. I half wanted to look back and grin at my earlier interlocutor to suggest we have had an answered prayer or just the propinquity of desire and coincidence. What an experience to have.

Then out of the recesses of memory came the highlighted lines of the third verse of a hymn I can hardly say I have sung in over 40 years. Stand up, Stand up for Jesus which in those days had the organ powered by foot bellows and played by a Muslim classmate. Only a few had art or skill with classical instruments and when I did offer to learn, a teacher thwarted the activity rather than encouraged it. Yet, I took from that short lesson the ability to play the tune to the Do-Re-Mi song and never really improved on it.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus,
stand in his strength alone;
the arm of flesh will fail you,
ye dare not trust your own.
Put on the gospel armour,
each piece put on with prayer;
where duty calls or danger,
be never wanting there.

Hymnary.org - Stand up, stand up for Jesus - George Duffield (1858)

Stand in his strength alone

This probably presents one of the biggest challenges of Christian living where we have learned, been schooled, and have been taught to exert and exercise for achievement derived from endeavour and sweat. The human-centred desire to excel and not attribute success to anyone else without the bruises we have suffered.

The work of faith that involves fully trusting in God for purpose, direction, instruction, inspiration, and affirmation leaves you open to the accusation of being a religious fanatic. Many do not believe in prayer or prayer that works. In terms, many do not even know God’s will about what they pray about to have any kind of assurance beyond the moment they are in.

Unlearning the way of the world and society to stand in His strength alone is a daily quest for letting the divine override the natural world and ways to launch into the orbit of the spirit where one can call things that are not as though they were. God is a spirit and they that worship him should worship him in spirit and in truth. [Bible Gateway: Ephesians 6:10, Proverbs 3:5, Romans 4:17, John 4:24]

The arm of flesh will fail you

The many promises that have been made to us that never got fulfilled by those who in your time of need or great adversity presented a succouring voice that with time was not followed by any action.

In thinking of such, one might be tempted to feel hard done by, hurt, or embittered. Then you realise that for all the abilities people seem to think they have to get things done, meet a demand, offer some support or anything else, they are seriously limited in ability, reach, means, resources, or facility.

We more typically live from day to day as mere mortals unaware of the divine resources that are at our disposal. The abundance of heavenly resources we can call upon but only if we knew anything about God that was first introduced in the Old Testament of the Bible and then the Father God that Jesus Christ revealed and demonstrated in His preaching of the gospel, doing good and healing those who were oppressed.

For the problems that we encounter in life, God has promised us everything to do with life and godliness, yet we depend on what we can do out of strength, maybe in our cunning, or on others who have a frame of reference uninformed by the Word of God and limited to the natural realm.

There is no blessing in trusting the arm of flesh, it even suggests those who do have turned from the Lord. [Bible Gateway: Jeremiah 17:5, Psalm 20:7, 2 Peter 1:3, John 14:12, Acts 10:38]

Ye dare not trust your own

Indeed, what constitutes our upbringing, our education, and our experiences is generally to equip us for a seemingly godless world, where your wits and hard work should yield success. Then, many strive so hard and get nothing or whatever they get is not enduring.

Heck! The booms and busts that have become like milestones in my own life could easily lead one to totally give up, as it can be quite exhausting. It is an engine of hope and expectation created by God within me that keeps me knowing that the night shall pass, the storms shall pass, the pain shall pass, the lack shall pass and His will will be done.

Through time, I have believed in myself, had supreme confidence, and felt I was at the peak of my powers to even project the unassailable before everything came crashing down like a pack of cards.

Trust is in short supply, there is much to learn and understand about trusting God and almost the people you choose to trust with intimate challenges who can give you the desired support and encouragement to traverse the evil day, the wilderness, the doldrums, and the unfortunate circumstances we often encounter. [Bible Gateway: 1 Timothy 4:8, Psalm 34:19, Psalm 112:7, Jeremiah 29:11]

Never a hopeless situation

I am constantly reevaluating what I believe and my faith to be sure that I am never in a situation where I have nothing that can be brought to bear on any situation. [Bible Gateway: 2 Corinthians 13:5]

In the times of the greatest anxiety, I pray, I speak in tongues, and I endeavour not to dwell on the issues that might exacerbate worry and distress. [Bible Gateway: Romans 8:26]

Nowadays, I purposefully decide to sleep and rest even as I am still learning to let God have it all. As He never slumbers nor sleeps, there is no reason for both of us to keep awake through the night. [Bible Gateway: Psalm 121:4]

I listen to sermons about how great God is and who God says I am. One area where I need to devote more voice is speaking to the problem about God, rather than speaking to God about the problem. [Bible Gateway: Mark 11:23]

There is great capacity and possibility in a person who knows God for who God is in His love for us and his care for us, we are only going to find out from His word and those anointed to preach the word. [Bible Gateway: Matthew 19:26]

In that alone, I am not ashamed to know the Christ who came for me that I might have eternal life that starts from this life I am already living on earth. It is why through all adversity, as long as I live, there is hope, change, and a testimony of the goodness and mercy that follows me. [Bible Gateway: Romans 1:16, 1 John 5:13, Psalm 23:6]

PS: Click on and meditate on the links to the verses on this blog and I know that whatever you might be going through, you will find an answer that will give you strength, comfort, resolution, and joy.

Shalom! Shalom!

In gratitude

Much appreciation

It has been an interesting year for me, and whilst I did not find myself doing much of what I would have wanted to do, I have done other things I would have rarely found myself doing and been enriched by it all.

By participating in activities and volunteering, I have in many ways inadvertently met influential people and been involved in consequential decision-making forums that I would never have attended, but I found a voice and an expression that would normally not be heard.

Above all, it is how I have been sustained through some of the toughest times, the support of my partner, my best friend, my sister, old partners, my neighbours, my parents, support groups, my community, and many others who have fervently kept me in their prayers and supplications, with encouragement, entreaty, and even unwelcome and probably justifiable rebuke that has caused offense.

For service

We entertain much in how we exist, but we need to be careful about what we allow to define us. Faith and hope have set a course for the realisation of many desires, they are the complementary force of what will result in better and more uplifting stories. In many disappointments in the resolution and resolve goodness, mercies, and blessings cannot miss us.

It was only on Monday that I thought I should arrive at Manchester Cathedral early, just in case there was any help needed since I am a church steward. They had everything in hand, and I took my seat before additional rows were added to the reserved seats. I was not asked to move to another seat.

Interesting encounters

Just before the event started, a gentleman with a lady arrived, the usual small talk about the weather after pleasantries followed and a few quips on things English and so on. They had travelled in from Sale, and he needed some help getting up for the carol songs.

After the interval, he said there were so many people to meet, he had to chat to the High Sheriff of Greater Manchester and a few Deputy Lieutenants as he was one too. I suppose, if I had been more observant, a man in a pin-striped suit, his wallet so thick it needed rubber bands to hold together, a few acknowledgements from here and there, this was a community stalwart, known for his contributions and charitable activities.

At 85, I would pass for a son, his companion just 75 years old, both of whom in the inclement weather of the northwest in December needn’t have bothered but still with enthusiasm and a sense of fun made an appearance that should be appreciated. As the carol concert ended, we shook hands, and he gave his name. A very accomplished man indeed.

In all, I am very grateful, it is the last day of 57 and it is unimaginable how I could have thrived without the amazing support of Brian. You bring light and love, with joy and laughter. Thank you.

In the cradle of hearing right

The cradle as the source

In a moment of self-reflection, listening to the encouragement, teaching, and exhortation of a message this morning, I found an interesting insight from the cradle case blog that I wrote yesterday that gave me a sense of where I should seek to draw strength and who I should be listening to.

Alright, the ear tip eventually arrived and one thing I had failed to do until now was to put the foam cover over the ear tip before attaching it to the earpiece. It is all properly done now, as the manufacturer intended and instructed.

Blog: Never despise the cradle

In life, we need to know where the source of our strength is, despite the lessons learnt from life and adversity, the examples from mentors and parents, and the support of my partner and my friends, all of which are invaluable along with the apparent stoicism one seems to have, the ultimate source of strength and sustenance for me is from God, by Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit that dwells in me.

Knowing how to do

Yet, it takes knowledge and awareness to know this in the first place, then wisdom and understanding to draw fully from that strength. The Bible is full of comfort and assurance of the help and succour from God, and we still find it difficult to avail ourselves of this unlimited resource that is already available.

We are like earpieces left separate from the cradle case with a built-in battery to keep us charged up. The cradle case of the embrace of God when placed right has the terminals of the earpiece snuggly fit to the connectors in the case to equip us through faith to triumph in all things.

Then again, I appreciate that the earpiece is also a listening device before it is a speaking device it has a microphone, it is hooked to the ear lobe with an ear tip that goes in the ear. So much so, that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.

Hearing right for the fight

What and who you choose to hear easily informs what you begin to say to set your world in the order of what you have spoken into existence. The world around us becomes an ongoing conversation of hearing and speaking, creating order when we speak right and chaos when we are out of alignment, distant from the cradle case, and finding comfort in the distractions that offer ephemeral solutions.

It is for the same reason that though certain conversations seem useful, the content of the conversation in what one has heard has been quite less so. Where conversation loses elements of edification and exhortation, that conduit needs trammelling for you cannot afford for the wrong seeds to be sown in the grounds where a different kind of harvest is expected.

The tendency to criticise with the intention to be effectual comes easily to many who can speak into your life out of affiliation with much consequence on how it can affect you, to which some recent blogs have alluded to on not trying hard enough, not acting as expected, or in the questioning of one’s legitimacy. All these trickle-down influences in snatches of conversation have not been helpful at all.

Blog: Thought Picnic: Battling a dimension of legitimacy

Blog: Thought Picnic: Those who resort to bastardry should answer for their claims

Choosing my own cradle and earpiece

It discounts and disparages whatever you might have been doing to ameliorate things. It is unkindly even if the place from whence it came means well without realising how it does not engender the kind of communication anyone needs when apparently in the doldrums.

This all might seem esoteric, but what have learnt with respect to what I have written here is, that I need to reduce the noise, take the calm, assert the truth, and claim the prize that has already been won.

I return to the lessons and exhortations of old that relay the fundamentals and the first principles of how to tackle thorny issues and circumstances. From within are groanings that cannot be uttered yet laying foundations upon which desires, dreams, ideas, and visions begin to take on tangibility and reality. I am able because I am enabled.

Thought Picnic: Battling a dimension of legitimacy

Where it seems to be

There are things and situations that seek to rob you of your peace and invade the witching hours to inflict insomnia on the necessity for sleep. The back and forth of rumination that presents as worry that brings no solution but much bother to the fore.

You wrestle with much about life and desire, the dreams that seem too distant to the reality you seek, yet you cannot stop believing that the possible is not as far away as it seems.

Some think it is a mid-life crisis, sometimes it is much further on than mid-life, just before your golden jubilee, there are considerations that come to the fore, the insurgence of self-doubt as much as the ebbing away of self-confidence. Motivation becomes alien in the scheme of things.

What they expect of you

There is a battle raging in your being in the usually observed futile attempts to get your life back on track. It is a daily war against so many elements, it is by abundant grace that many are not overwhelmed even as exhaustion taxes on both strength and will.

As if that is not hard enough on the individual, there are external pressures in addition to the ones prevalent, familial, familiar, and further afield. Those who are secondarily affected by a somewhat whispering campaign about your situation, more perceived than real, the constant need to keep up with the Joneses than brings you in regular comparison with others whose trajectory has never been of concern until you met some roadblocks.

Who is doing the talking?

How is it that when adversity comes, the support you get is sparse but the questioning about your legitimacy borne of activity and achievement apart from progeny becomes topical? When this is broached directly or in code by those you expect an understanding from, you can be left not only discomfited but also discouraged, despondent, despairing, and disappointed.

It is in terms of that situation that I was advised not to submit myself to such discussions as there is just about enough pressure on yourself trying to find a solution to your situation before carrying on your shoulders the concerns of others simply trying to keep up appearances totally at your expense with little appreciation of your plight.

How I see the future

If not for the unstinting support of my partner and my best friend, there is no telling for how one could cope. Then it is not about coping, I don’t just want to get by even if each day seems a drudge of the unchanging same, I am strong on the will to not only survive but thrive too.

For at present, I have walked and wandered through the valley of the shadow of death, encountering evil in various forms, but in all of that, the Lord is with me and will bring me through it all to the refreshing still waters and luxuriant green pastures. A table is set before me in the presence of my enemies, my cup of blessing and joy overflows and I will yet testify of the goodness and mercy that follows me, all my days. [A paraphrase and adaptation of the Psalm 23]

Thought Picnic: Mostly, one is not alone

The recesses of solitude

The comfort the security of my home provides could easily preclude me from essential socialising with other people and this has been exacerbated from the time of the pandemic when the need to be in an office was first restricted by lockdown and unviable by distance.

The wealth of solitude cultivated from hermit tendencies that have developed over decades probably in reaction to living in rather closely-knit settings became a need for one’s private space and the protection of that apparent luxury of estate.

The exuberance of companionship

It would seem the only time that was shelved was with Brian, my partner because we have striven to create a proper home environment for ourselves with a sense of autonomy and independence that we enjoy. Even though there are times I want to escape from it to have time to myself, it is a learning process.

If anything, I am very comfortable with our domestic arrangements, and it is one I quite so long for as it presents and satisfies that critical need for companionship with the understanding of each other and intimacy that does not exist in any other relationship.

However, getting out of my home to interact with a team of volunteers once a week seems to be quite beneficial too. For indirectly, I have begun to feel a sense of realignment of priorities and an appreciation of the kind of person I am. You realise that you need to be amongst people to use some life skills that never find an airing if you are sequestered in your home or using basic technology.

Working with all I have

Yet, Brian and I have availed ourselves quite fully of whatever means we have to maintain daily and constant communication with the support system it entails that is somewhat unavailable elsewhere. There are times I do feel alone and isolated, and maybe I do determinedly isolate myself too, what I am at least grateful for is there are many, friends, relations, and strangers alike who endeavour to keep in touch with me.

Beyond that, help from unexpected sources, far and near would keenly suggest one is not alone by any stretch of the imagination. You work with what you have and work with what you get for in all that makes up the experience with life, the spirit of encouragement imparted by mother, partner, and friend says there is a better story being written, even now.

In a moment of critical self-evaluation

The Job mystery in every life

It has become a canon of development and growth, to understand the event of trial and adversity whilst seeking to make a way towards a better story and good report that becomes the grist of testimonies further on.

I cherish much the counsel of those who attempt with all feeling and compassion to walk the shoes I walk, through the rough patches with the immediacy and urgency to help relieve me of the burdens that at times seek to crush and fail to impact, strengthening sinew and muscle of spirit, mind, and body as each day passes.

To those to whom I have not given an ear, much as I appreciate their concern which comes from a good place, persuasion is a lot more than hard talk or tough love. Our humanity in its fragility responds best to encouragement with the light of hope to lead toward a desirable destination. It is not one of vague optimism but of practical consequence, where words are followed by an activity that buoys what to some might seem a sinking ship.

Those beside on your side

In friend, I have found more than the material that suggests one is not in this alone; in lover, the amazing embrace of support and the constant expression of faith and confidence, much of which one might struggle to believe, but pictures are created in the mind of what is both possible and achievable.

In mother, a soothing and comforting voice almost like a lullaby that wafts in the ears of a toddler being rocked to the shore of peaceful and blissful sleep. Then a steeling up of belief that you are both able and capable, to which I promise was made, you have a son who will not throw in the towel. We are fighting this to the end for triumph beyond anticipation.

Blog - Thought Picnic: On mother today and everyday

In parson, counsel and pastoral support came with such Christian compassion and engagement, with advice and reference, help and prayer. We sometimes forget we live in a wealthy place of a community we rarely access and understand enough for the neighbourly succour that exists not for our inconvenience and essentially more for our safety.

A process of self-discovery

Personally, I seek a way to the light, a better understanding of self and purpose to gain focus and advantage in the issues that beset me. In the things of old that once were a source of strength and the search for the new in revelation and exposition of why we exist at all in the settings and situations that we are. Besides that, how else would one be so uniquely different and storied if you do not do crazy things? Each man has to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.

So then, my dear ones, just as you have always obeyed [my instructions with enthusiasm], not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence, continue to work out your salvation [that is, cultivate it, bring it to full effect, actively pursue spiritual maturity] with awe-inspired fear and trembling [using serious caution and critical self-evaluation to avoid anything that might offend God or discredit the name of Christ]. [Bible Hub: Philippians 2:12 Amplified]

Reference

The story of Job, a biblical figure [Wikipedia]

Thought Picnic: Contemplating in silence

In the grip of meditation

Silence is a world of intrigue where emotion can find refuge and pain is only registered where no one else can see or feel it. The mind churns with thoughts tumbling in chaotic turbulence as the conflict of reason and bafflement wages war within.

You have questions for which the answers seem to be at the lips but the form of words that makes utterance intelligible fails to find expression. Sometimes, you launch into glossolalia in a fervent cry from the core of your reins as you take your sheer humanity to the place of succouring divinity.

You begin to write a Psalm of your own situation like David did, so many times; this is where I am, but I know that even though it seems bleak and hopeless, goodness and mercy follow me, all the days of my life. That is the story I will tell as my mouth gets filled with testimonies of wonder, even my countenance exhibits the glow of brilliance that greets the dawning of a new day.

Thought Picnic: For the wind that blows

Amongst uncertainty

The legendary Bob Dylan song asks, “How many roads must a man walk down, Before you call him a man?” I guess that is a question that comes to mind at certain times, even so, uncertain times of difficulty and adversity.

Then I think of the many roads I have walked down for which my manliness has been met with doubt, many that have left me wondering about how each day comes and goes with the battle against helplessness, abandonment, and incapacity, whilst striving to exhibit agency and autonomy.

There is a pressing of issues that demand attention towards which for now there is little resource to meet, yet one is persuaded that the momentary unpleasantness will give way to the better of life and expectation.

In the wind

Hardships that visit to lay markers down in the stories we get to tell, each time we pray we are not exhausted by prevailing circumstances much as we are comforted by the encouragement and support of those who hold us dear.

It belies one’s fragility that the outward appearances of stoicism are just that, there is much strength and there is weakness, good fortune, favour, and blessing are the buoys of hope that carry us along that we do not sink into despair or despondency. Sometimes, you wish for just a miracle and then even the normal course of events are miracles in and of themselves.

The answer is blowing in the wind, I guess to feel that realisation, you need to be out where the wind is blowing and not have your hat blown off.

Thought Picnic: Self-doubt, a teacher of humility

The humbling of the present

The unfortunate sacking of Kwasi Kwarteng, the erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer gave me something to ponder about my situation. I wrote in a tweet, “Sometimes, a dramatic humbling can be quite life-affirming, do not take every setback as the end of purpose, ambition, or prospect.”

The reason why I can relate is I was invited for an interview on Monday and just before we had the meeting, the agency called to say that the client had realised they had a budget shortfall and whether I would consider lobbing off about 40% from what we had agreed on Friday.

I politely declined as I reflected on the disrespectfulness and insult apart from the unprofessionalism that enabled that kind of feedback that should have been better relayed as the position had been filled by other personnel. You see a lot in 27 years of dealing with contract agencies, and then some.

Beyond the travails we see

Soon afterwards, I got a phone call from another agency offering the prospect of a re-engagement with a client I had worked with before. I was keen and so my details were put forward and they expressed an interest in offering an opportunity.

However, I was to attend an interview on Microsoft Teams scheduled for Friday and I had only hours before reserved to collect my new passport in Liverpool. I did not want to postpone the interview and so that meant planning to be in Liverpool to both attend the interview and collect my passport.

Meanwhile, I was also to give a presentation as part of the interview process with the choice from 5 topics that looked quite distinct yet from my experience were intricately interrelated. I found myself in a similar brain fog as I was 5 years ago, trying to decide which topic to present, though then I chose one and wrapped the considerations of the other 3 topics into how they relate with the one I chose.

In doubt and unsure

It would have been easy and lazy to rehash the old document, but I had to do better, and I gathered the material and began to construct the elements of my presentation. In my head, I had a good idea of what I wanted to say, but how to fit that into an acceptable presentation became a challenge.

For all the expertise and experience I do have, others probably do believe in my abilities more than I dare to believe I am. There are jobs I should apply for that reticence and doubt persuades me otherwise. My friends constantly urge me to step up, their perspective of me way ahead of my apparent insecurities.

My presentation almost became existential in its import, for it would have been the crux upon which the decision to hire me would have been based amongst other considerations. I found myself wondering how I could quite easily scupper my chances given what might be a golden opportunity. Then I would whisper to myself, that everything would be fine, take breathing exercises and try to calm myself down.

The trial of adequacy

My friends would suggest I am not lacking in confidence, I have my doubts about that assessment, and then maybe I am beating myself up too hard. My presentation was only about 75% finished by the time I went to bed, and I was so sleep-deprived thinking about how I had not closed the activity. Something was missing from giving the presentation the necessary feel of a proposal made to a C-suite executive.

A few ideas wandered into my mind overnight and on getting up, I showered and went for breakfast that I could hardly finish before giving Brian a call. My best friend had sent me a message of encouragement during the night too, which I acknowledged. I went for a walk to the River Mersey and returned to complete my presentation with just an hour left to the interview.

Things seemed to fall into place and with just about 20 minutes to spare, there was nothing more I could do about what I was about to present. Unsure and nervous, we began a discussion when I realised that my 9 slides of PowerPoint presentation were to be delivered in 10 minutes, there was no point panicking, I went for it with mannerisms and tics, all forgiven with the verdict that it was a good presentation.

Self-doubt, the measure of strength

This was something I would never have been able to pull off without the support of my friend, and my partner, they were constantly encouraging me even as it was increasingly difficult to believe them. Then I need to find the positive in my ordeal, maybe self-doubt is a good check on hubris too, it works for me even if it stresses me out too.

There is a humbling that teaches you the truth of your vulnerability not to strip you of agency but to equip you with the human need to seek support and encouragement to empower you through when your strength appears to fail.

It is like what Apostle Paul said in II Corinthians 1v9-11“Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.”

It speaks for itself, that our vulnerabilities or the humbling of the present only allows us to appreciate that we can do a lot more in the context of our humanity by relying on others.

Thought Picnic: Realising there is more to do

I am tired

As I walked to the restaurant to retrieve part of the incomplete order that I discovered after returning home yesterday, I had a feeling wash over me in thoughts I strive not to entertain when they visit in moments that are not as good as they can be.

I am tired, it tells me, as weariness and fatigue creep in, like I have done all I need to do, and I am ready to rest from all of it. For, after all, the bother is rarely and never that of the departed but of those that remain.

To matter or not at all

Earlier in the day, I read of a farmer whose coffin-bearing hearse was driven past the farm he once owned to see his cows for the last time. I wondered, to whose particular benefit that was apart from the performative gesture that could be as emotional as it could be totally meaningless.

Then as I pondered on this and the fact that that there is much to live for, a lady walks into the restaurant to first thank the waiter for his kindness towards her sister some months before as she fell ill, that sister sadly has been in hospital for weeks with a yet to be confirmed cancer diagnosis. The lady was somewhat resigned to the situation as she was invited for a discussion with her sister’s consultant who was not a bearer of good news.

As beacons of hope

I found myself comforting the lady as she began to cry, the concern for her sister all too evident and the feeling that they are alone in this ordeal. Indeed, she needed some space and time to come to terms with what was ahead and also gather the kind of strength and support to give her sister in this very impossibly difficult time.

Then I, an example of a cancer survivor cannot afford to be tired when there are people to comfort and encourage as they walk through essentially their own valleys of the shadow of death or have to face death itself. We cannot then give up in ourselves where we can give some sense of hope beyond despair. We do not exist for ourselves alone and with that in mind, we need to hold firm and face what is ahead to get through to the other end.

Exhausted as I feel attending to issues for myself and others who at times feel we draw from inexhaustible reserves of resolve and determination even when we absorb what should be batted away. I guess I just need some time to be human and vulnerable, as it is a part of living or otherwise.