Thought Picnic: Are We Protecting Them or Ourselves?

Seeking Protection

I often reflect on interactions and conversations I have experienced. Sometimes it relates to what I have written, and I wonder if there were better ways to present my ideas or express myself.

These reflections are about how others see us or how we wish to be seen, and the circumstances that unintentionally create an impression different from what was intended, through omission or commission. As a result, we fail to represent ourselves as openly, honestly, and transparently as possible.

Even more problematic is the influence of assumptions that limit or constrain the image we project in others' minds. You vicariously suffer for assuming they cannot handle certain facts because of your perspective on their frame of reference or worldview. The question then becomes whether we are bravely protecting them or fearfully protecting ourselves.

Curb Your Loquacity

This causes us to steer clear of issues amid the complex mix of norms and differences that clash between inquiry and response. The direction of the conversation becomes less certain as we aim to conceal rather than reveal. It would have been better to directly tell the inquisitive to mind their own business rather than be teased into volunteering more than is comfortable.

Navigating the intersections of cultural settings is an art. In the broad spectrum of communication, knowing when to be cautious and disciplined enough to steer the conversation away from the curiosity of others cannot be an afterthought.

Yet, you cannot predict how a conversation might develop, and then you wonder how such exchanges in certain communities follow the same pattern of overly curious questions.

When Dame Anna Wintour appeared on The Rest Is Politics, beyond the lines of enquiry from her interviewers, her self-possession reflected discipline gained from responsibility, brand, and institution, shaping her responses. In the end, she was asked what Donald Trump would need to do to be invited back to the Met Gala. She paused, took a sip, and said, “Thank you for inviting me.”

Ideas from AI

I went on to ask AI, What are techniques for redirecting overly curious inquiries?

Drawing from your reflection on protecting oneself whilst maintaining composure, here are practical techniques for managing intrusive questions:

1. The Graceful Deflection

Acknowledge the question without answering it directly:

• "That's an interesting question, but what I find more relevant is..."
• "I appreciate your curiosity, though I'm more focused on..."
• "That's quite personal, but what I can share is..."

2. The Anna Wintour Pause

As you noted in your piece, sometimes the most powerful response is strategic silence followed by a polite exit:

• Pause deliberately
• Take a breath or sip
• Thank them and change the subject or conclude the exchange

This creates a boundary without confrontation.

3. The Gentle Boundary

State your limits with warmth but firmness:

• "I prefer to keep that private, but thank you for asking."
• "That's not something I discuss, I'm afraid."
• "I'd rather not go into that, if you don't mind."

4. The Question Reversal

Turn the inquiry back towards the questioner:

• "Why do you ask?"
• "What makes you curious about that?"
• "That's an unusual question—what's prompted it?"

This often reveals whether the question is innocent curiosity or something else, and sometimes makes people reconsider their intrusion.

5. The Humorous Redirect

Use light humour to deflect whilst maintaining rapport:

• "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you!" (with a smile)
• "Now that would be telling, wouldn't it?"
• "Ask me no secrets, I'll tell you no lies."

Humour must suit your personality and the relationship; otherwise it can seem defensive.

6. The Minimal Answer

Provide just enough information to be polite, then move on:

• Give a brief, surface-level response
• Don't elaborate or provide follow-up details
• Immediately ask a question about something else

7. The Honest "No"

Sometimes the most respectful approach is directness:

• "I'm not comfortable discussing that."
• "That's not something I'm willing to share."
• "I'd prefer not to answer that question."

This works best in relationships where mutual respect exists.

8. The Professional Shield

Reference external constraints or responsibilities:

• "I'm not at liberty to discuss that."
• "That's confidential, I'm afraid."
• "My position doesn't allow me to comment on that."

9. The Reframe

Answer a different question—the one you wish they'd asked:

• "What I think you're really asking is..."
• "The more important question might be..."
• "Let me put it this way instead..."

10. The Time Boundary

Defer without committing:

• "That's not something I can get into right now."
• "Perhaps another time."
• "Let me think about that." (with no intention of returning to it)

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Developing Your Technique

As you noted in your reflection, navigating these moments requires:

Self-awareness: Know your boundaries before entering conversations where intrusive questions might arise.

Practice: These techniques become more natural with use. The first few times may feel awkward.

Cultural sensitivity: Different settings require different approaches. What works in a professional environment may not suit a family gathering.

Confidence: Your discomfort with a question is legitimate. You needn't justify your boundaries.

Reading the room: Assess the questioner's intent. Are they malicious, thoughtless, or genuinely interested? Your response can vary accordingly.

The key insight from your piece about Dame Anna Wintour is particularly relevant: her discipline came from responsibility, brand, and institution. Developing your own personal discipline around what you share and what you protect is equally important. It's not about being secretive; it's about being intentional with your vulnerability.

Remember, as you wisely observed, it's better to directly challenge the inquisitive than to be "teased into volunteering more than is comfortable." These techniques give you the tools to do exactly that, whilst maintaining grace and composure.

Photons on the Prostate - A year from starting radiotherapy

Some reflections

What a year it has been since I received the first of twenty doses of hypofractionated radiotherapy at the Christie Hospital. The story isn’t just about the treatment, but also about how the side effects have altered or softened my way of living and expressing myself.

Internally, I experienced fatigue and bladder issues, along with the occasional bowel discomfort, and for the insomnia, I couldn’t entirely blame the radiotherapy. The most noticeable change was in my voice, which sounds close to normal now, but it still sometimes holds that weariness or tiredness.

It wasn’t until mid-August that I felt confident enough to present myself for a bible reading at the cathedral. I had given up my place in May because my voice was still quite squeaky. I am encouraged, thankful, and grateful for the progress so far.

Two episodes of epididymitis in May and August have been worrying; probably some sort of urinary reflux around the pipes in that area, causing considerable discomfort and inflammation. I guess this keeps me vigilant for small changes and creeping symptoms.

My partner, Brian, has been an incredible support and anchor during these challenging times; his care and love have strengthened me, even when I outwardly appear to be doing well. With my friends and the fantastic support from work, I have made significant progress. I am thankful to God for everything.

I enjoy living, and I love thriving. There are even better stories ahead. Thank you.

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Celebrating 75 Years of the NHS

A steward at the table

I was being wooed and propositioned in an unrelenting recruitment drive to become a church steward for over a year. It was last weekend that I had a baptism of fire as it were. It was a weekend of ordinations of priests and deacons known as the Petertide in the Anglican Church calendar.

With a church brimming with high clergy, the ordinands, well-wishers, and visitors, I was to collect the offertory from a section of the seating in the church and then direct congregants to a communion station away from the altar. It was managed even if a bit chaotic.

Though these assignments were out of rota, I had volunteered as more hands were needed than what was required for regular church services. Today, I presented myself to steward the service of Thanksgiving for 75 Years of the NHS.

The programme pamphlet for the service celebrating 75 Years of the NHS.

Attending to attendees

As there was no offertory or communion, this was a civic service, and it became apparent that we needed fewer stewards. There were a few things to do, including putting inserts in the programme pamphlet that required attendees to write a reflection about the role of the NHS.

After that, I stood with fellow stewards at the door to hand out the pamphlet to arrivals for the service informing them of the insert for their reflections. It was not a crowded gathering, and it did seem we had a fair share of NHS chaplains attending, we all might have felt out of place and of sorts without a dog collar.

The service began

Just before the start of the service, Andy Burnham, the Mayor of Greater Manchester arrived, I handed him the programme and informed him of the insert, he was smiling, engaging, and appreciative before the Canon Pastor led him to his seat and the service began.

There was one other act to steward, the collection of the inserts after people had scribbled down their reflections, I stood at the end of one row waiting as one congregant wrote on both sides of the card, as if a whole thesis of thoughts needed an urgent revealing.

My reflections

I had written my own reflection early because of the duty I was assigned to the effect: “I was born on a Tuesday morning unexpectedly at 26.5 weeks, the NHS facilitated my transfer for incubation in a major city. I was the size of a hamster in the hand of my father.

At 57, I stand taller, much taller than my parents. I owe my existence then and daily now to the amazing NHS, the people whose humanity makes a difference to many lives.”

My reflections on the NHS.

Andy Burnham who was the last Labour government Secretary of Health gave an address before representatives of faiths rose to give a talk, there was a homily, a hymn and then the sending out by the Canon Pastor.

As the event was quite passive, I began to wilt, when I got home, I was ready for bed and there ensued a long afternoon nap.

Thought Picnic: Reflections of how an old friendship used to be

In the passage

A few weeks ago, I was invited to participate in a group exercise of self-awareness and the development of understanding purpose. This was something I would normally not be persuaded to do, but it was interesting enough to get stuck in.

Some of the exercises brought perspectives and enlightenment to areas of relationships I have cultivated, those that have turned sour and the rest that have lapsed out of the passage of time, the passage of souls, the passage of proximity, or the passage of situation.

The seeds of travel

In reflecting on one aspect, I have someone who would have been one of my oldest friends, we met in a pub, near Bayswater, in November 1991. Something about him in the look, in the appearance, and in the conversation just made him quite attractive. The encounter led to a night back at my place.

Over the years, a friendship that did not result in a relationship developed, he moved around in London and I moved out to Ipswich, his infectious curiosity helping me explore places I would never have been interested in. Then he returned home to Germany and eventually settled in Berlin. It was at his prompting that I first visited Berlin and then began to see the usefulness of travel. I caught a sense of adventure that became a European tour from London to Budapest return, including 10 cities.

Drink to the brink

That friendship soured about 7 years ago when twice in an inebriated state, things were said by him just unforgivable. I decided it was best to cease entertaining the idea of friendship as what is said under the influence is the expression of things that sobriety will constrain. Many attempts by friends to reconcile us, I have rebuffed.

Yet, I hold no grudge, it was just a case that the relationship had become unhealthy, at least for me, if not for him. It is probably not helped by the fact that I hardly drink, I am mostly sober, and I hope I have better control of my tongue, no matter the thoughts going on in my head.

For a better man

So, today, I was asked to reflect on how I might have been hurt in the past, this, of all the other issues I could have brought to the fore is the one that jumped out. This is where the power of thought and meditation begins to change perspectives.

For all the presumed failings of my old friend, there is a lot he has contributed to enrich my life, in exciting my curiosity for travel and exploration and in allowing his vulnerabilities at certain times to reveal some of my shortcomings when I think I am in a better place.

Our friendship has become a different kind of mirror, not so much of him, but now of how I need to make accommodations to acknowledge a broader good over a momentary lapse that could change the trajectory of a relationship when reviewed on the whole is more substantial than the immediate. It is a growth process and I am open to learning to be a better man.

Resist Frenzied Action on Behalf of Homeless Cats

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What becomes of the broken pencil?

For the umpteenth time, I write again about my urgings about my blog, lamenting that the dearth of content is not the paucity of inspiration, topic or situation to express in my unique form of expression.

My stories living in my mind churning over like a perpetual spin cycle of washing machine that would never end, you suddenly feel you are on some merry-go-round off which you will dare not jump off lest you main yourself.

Such is my dilemma, episodes and observations that stir me to the point of consideration without consummation, my good intentions remaining just that; unfinished blogs like germinating seeds never getting out of the nursery to the garden, stunted in growth, yet never dying completely that they are discarded; premature blogs like me, arriving long before one would consider them ready, if ever; self-flagellation at the lack of discipline to write even as if it were my last act.

For someone who penned 400 blogs in 2007, I have only breached 100 in the last 5 years. I do wonder, what has become of my verbosity. And, as I have said before, it is not for the lack of what to write.

Now that we’ve found love

Maybe, just maybe, there is something else at play, it is yet to be determined. I am somewhat preoccupied though, work on one end, self-development in a rapidly changing world that it is not getting easier to keep up and most of all, as 2018 drew to a close, I met someone and fell in love.

That, in itself, should have been a source of inspiration, and indeed, I have found things from deep in the heart to write about this madness of emotion called love and I am loving every bit of that experience. I reflect on the reality of living in grief for almost a decade unable to find the measure of anyone who did not measure up to that which was lost, until out of the blue someone put to rest the ghosts of yesteryears and brought a new reality of what life could be.

If anything, I am grateful for that which I have found and intent to make the best of it. Long-distance relationships are not easy to cultivate and maintain, we devote the most of what we can cherish every moment and yearn earnestly for the next time we will be together again. That, we know now is soon.

Resisting the frenzy

The year at work has not been as engaging as one would have loved it to be, my retainership was unable to find productive engagement for about 70 working days. I probably should have moved on when the empty promises suggested plenty was coming my way. We bring that chapter to a close.

I was unable to write a fitting tribute to the passing of my uncle in the middle of the year because the final years were a harbinger of much hurt. Then if I were to write an enduring note of remembrance and affection it would be of one of the most humble and self-effacing Muslims, I have ever encountered bar my paternal grandfather. May his soul rest in peace.

The year itself started with some irritation towards the patriarch whose sudden extraneous demands left me both flustered and annoyed. This is all in preparation for his 80^th birthday, which with the resourceful and energetic resolve of all my siblings, we pulled off successfully and brilliantly. It left the patriarch a prayerfully, grateful and happy man, may the Lord grant him strength, health, and happiness to enjoy many more years.

Our matriarch, God bless her, I even offered to help her swear an affidavit to celebrate her 80^th birthday this year. She hasn’t lost her penchant to bring us close to exasperation, harmless and loving, she is a wonderful mother and we get one well.

In all, we do wish we never had a care in this world, the challenges abound as we triumph from within and with many, we find the supply to meet every situation. By that, we are employed to resist frenzied action on behalf of homeless cats. The cats we know have homes. So there, no need to worry about a thing.

Courtesy of the William Kentridge exhibition at Zeitz MOCAA, Cape Town.