Committing The Treason of Solitude

Misunderstood Perceptions

How I am viewed by others leaves me baffled, if not surprised. If I am not generally considered a curmudgeon, it is assumed I have a temperament easily disposed to petty angst and fits of pique, with a tendency to take offence without cause.

How this figment of imagination takes hold and plays out, as if an alter ego of mine has supplanted my reality and taken my place interacting with others, escapes me. It would be unkind to suggest others are getting ahead of themselves.

My True Nature

In my mind, I would think those with whom I have issues would be in no doubt that I have issues with them, despite every desire for them to think they have done nothing wrong.

Much as I tend to be a loner, keeping to myself and enjoying my own company in the confines of my bedroom, oblivious of the world, I do not pick a grudge for the sake of being contrarian.

The Demands of Others

Indeed, there are times I want to be left well alone. It is a prerogative I seem to have no unilateral licence to exercise without question; there are people who simply need my engagement regardless of my situation.

Tribute, attention, communication and calls must be made or answered, or an inquiry is instituted bordering on an inquisition. My guilt is decided without the option for innocence, all in a day, or even shorter, between dawn and dusk.

No Hiding Place

In this, I have no hiding place. My solitude is a room with too many keys, distributed freely to others who enter at will, demanding tribute in the form of my time, my attention and my immediate response. No excuse is ever good enough for breaking formation; I must meet expectations or face sanction.

If I had the temerity to consider changing the locks, just imagine how the charge of treason would stick, because I belong to something beyond myself. My boundaries and borders are without demarcation, access taken rather than given.

Why does a moment cloud and crowd out the significance of the enduring, from which the narrative and story bear their existence? I suppose I would never understand where, for some, the spectrum of security is transient, whilst for others it is a bond of endurance that cannot be nicked by ephemeral conniptions.

A Google NotebookLM AI Audio Overview Discussion of this blog

Me Too, Church Too

The Peril of Fallen Leaders

The thought is scary: the number of prominent Christian leaders who saw amazing growth in their congregations and whose charisma touched lives globally have revisited what they once believed to the point of reassessing or abandoning the faith.

I am writing this having gone down the rabbit hole of a Facebook post. The author spoke of his conservative and evangelical background, 15 years of pastoring, and then realising the people he was taught to fear were just as much flesh-and-blood good people deserving of respect, courtesy, and consideration.

This led me to a podcast, The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill, a journalistic examination of the growth of a church plant in 1996 that collapsed dramatically in 2014.

A Fall From Grace

The fall of Mars Hill was not because of pastoral impropriety, but attributed to bullying, abuse, arrogance, and elements of narcissistic personality disorder found in the public figure leading the church, who resigned in 2014.

It makes you wonder about how Lucifer, in his exalted position in the presence of Almighty God, acquired that situation declared as, "Iniquity was found in him." I have agonised over how, in such a holy setting, a creature could turn wrong and take a third of the angelic host with him. How did Lucifer convince those angels of a better place than at the throne of God?

There must have been a cult following, where focus shifted from the principal or the principle to a personality.

When Personality Eclipses Purpose

The same happens in church, at work, in school, and in politics. In the Church, the focus should always be Jesus the Christ, regardless of how the vessel is used to bring the gospel and healing to the people.

Charisma can shift focus from the important, but with that comes the facility for actions that allow leaders not to be held to account and, consequently, not to be accountable for what they do.

Those who should stand up to authority are made to plead fealty with the admonition that straying out of line will be considered insubordination, rebellion, or even heresy. The leader posits as a god amongst mortals: untouchable and unassailable, infallible and literally inerrant.

It is a dangerous place to be, but this is evident in many congregations as the flock are led as sheep to the slaughter. Worse still is that these leaders do not stand alone; they are enabled and have enablers that create the myth and mystique that allows an untenable situation to thrive.

My Own Engagement With Church

In my engagement with the church, I have studiously compartmentalised things. The congregation is a meeting of people; the leadership have an onerous responsibility to "feed my sheep" according to the exhortation Jesus gave Peter before ascending to heaven.

I have participated in help or service roles but never sought leadership, even when such positions were offered because of my commitment or my knowledge of the Word.

I have not been inclined to lead and have viewed so-called leadership classes with suspicion, knowing just how power can corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Knowing my human frailties, I have consideration of how inadequacies are faltering stumbling blocks. I depend on the grace of God, knowing the things beyond me are possible with God.

The Lure of Hero Worship

Naturally, I am not given to hero worship. I have always operated from the perspective that the only person to fear is one with two heads, and I have never met one.

Subscribing to a cult of personality probably fills a void somewhere in the psyche of the followers. I do not know for sure, but I have seen the damaging effects on the victims of such settings: from those adoring prophets in tune with familiar spirits, revealing things that imitate the word of knowledge (a gift of the Spirit given as he wills to the church), to those in unsupervised congregation settings where the leaders are now celebrity superstars worshipped by their followers.

When the structures and frameworks of these cults excusing abuse collapse, what do people have left if they had long stopped looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith?

A Call to Reflect

I can only recommend you listen to the podcast because it is as revealing as it is educational. We are all working out our salvation with fear and trembling.

This blog is hardly exhaustive on the many issues that emanate from beliefs, doctrines, allegiance, and faith. This is a contribution to the broader conversation.

A Google NotebookLM AI Audio Overview Discussion of this blog

Thought Picnic: In the rivers of black identity

The river as it flows

I was invited to listen to Leon Bridges River; which also appears in HBO’s Big Little Lies original TV soundtrack, with the thought that the song was a significantly meaningful reflection for the black race, but there was a pause as that statement was made with the feeling that across the pond and history, things might not necessarily have the same import that they thought it should.

Attentively, I listened and tried to grasp the essence of it, I felt obligated to see things from their perspective as the lyrics though unseen but heard clearly did speak but did not catch on. In all honesty, it was best not to feign pretence as we were exploring the deeper issues of black identity. It hadn’t heard of Leon Bridges before.

River does evoke much about history and redemption, but in the words of the refrain, “Take me to your river, I wanna go”, the river was a place of routine, where you bathed, fetched water, washed clothes, and had fun, it did not carry any form of sacredness associated with cleansing and baptism as my interlocutor surmised. [Genius Lyrics: Leon Bridges River]

The river somewhere different

I felt that as there was no restriction to go to the river that flowed by the village, its great value might have been lost in its apparent familiarity. At my first hearing, meaningful as the song might well be, it would take more listening to it to have the deeper understanding being asked for at that time.

Later, I thought about where the river could mean just as much to me, it involved a different qualification in The Holy River by Prince, from the Emancipation album; there he sang, “Let’s go down to the holy river, If we drown we would be delivered,” that alone in its introduction was taking me to a special and sacred place of discovery and miracles. I was taken from the time I originally heard the song. [Lyrics from The Holy River]

Blog - Thought Picnic: Find your holy river in which to drown

This river was not a place of fun but a grotto of sorts, it was filled with a different kind of symbolism and mysticism, a place your approached with some dread and yet the anticipation that if everything seemed to go wrong, it would come out right regardless.

The subconscious of eternal existence

I found myself thinking of enclosures and openings, why I am totally averse to wearing anything like ankle chains, and then finger rings or neck chains. I wear a bangle of betrothal, but it is open-ended. I could give a reason, but I felt a profundity in the fact that the time we spend on earth is but a subset of the eternity of our existence.

We are in genetic and ethereal terms the result of an ancestry that doubles up each further generator of our origin that goes back from two parents to four grandparents, to eight great-grandparents, to sixteen great-great-grandparents and so on. If we do procreation, we begin a new chain that is a subset of our progeny.

It had me wondering where a tendency to fussiness or aversion comes from without influence or education, quirks and traits that attend to similarities with people we have never encountered but are strong in our personalities that some might even be inclined to the belief in reincarnation. I do not assume to suggest that I am competent in any form of existential philosophy, I would consider myself a total novice.

However, what I came away with was once again how so diverse and divergent the cultural and historical identities of the black race are, where the search for one's roots is a journey of discovery and the acceptance of self with being comfortable in one’s skin is a process of continuous learning involving complementation and jettison in various measures that we evolve and restate who we are depending on where we are.

I guess there is more to meditate on.

Thought Picnic: Parental pride is a bonus

It took a while to come

I was well into my 50s when I heard my father say something along the lines of “I am proud of you.” to me. Now, parental pride is a sort of gift, precious in its provenance and quite useful in some circumstances. It is a kind of affirmation and approbation that can help build confidence and character, it can also be in short supply.

I would be the first to say, I was not the easiest or best child to raise, my adolescence was turmoil and conflict, headaches and frustration for my parents and I found no respite or succour for the changes I hoped to attain to move into the category of acceptable. However, it was in being the ward of someone else that I began to find sense and purpose.

Put it in perspective

On the matter of parental pride, that went to another sibling, who received accolades and praise from every place, the school, the community and beyond, much as it would have created scope for amazing success and ascendancy, it did not prepare them for some experiences would best be forgotten.

Much as I love my parents, I have never worshipped the ground on which they have walked, I have neither the temperament nor the predilection to obsequiousness. Obviously, my father thought I did not respect him enough, I could not think of what else was expected of me, the similarities between us are essential by inference genetic mainly, probably with some tics and mannerism but not definitive of who I am or have become.

Get on with your life

If after a fashion I had determined to please my parents to any degree, they probably would be the happiest parents around, but my life would have been utterly miserable because I would have been living an expression of their desires rather the fulness of my own individuality, uniqueness, and expression.

What I learnt for myself was to live my own life as best I can, achieving what I could with the tools I have been given. Whether impactful or less so, I have followed as much as I have been given means and opportunity, my dreams and the consequence is for better or for worse, I have my own narrative that anyone can choose to celebrate or excoriate, but I am not working to someone else’s time.

A bonus is not the thing

Parental pride, in the end, is a bonus, if it comes and it is expressed, it should be received with grace and if does not come, it is not the end of the world. I am glad for having my parents, their experience and advice can be useful, but the buck stops with me, I make my decisions and call the shots for my situation. Once the umbilical cord is cut, we are beings floating in space tethered by the gravity of filiality but not bound strictly to an orbit. They can only do so much; we have to do the rest.

You do not have to become the life your parents wished you had, but you can quite become the life they wished they had.

Beyond the fallacy of solitude

At one in two

Sometimes, I just want to be left alone, left to my own thoughts to be by myself. I know this desire is a difficult one especially when in a close relationship. It is a process of reconditioning and adaptation that is not easy but necessary when thinking and acting for two.

Your thoughts and moods are not as personal or private as they once were. Any apparent change in attitude, demeanour, or responsiveness is immediately noticed as you run a barrage of enquiries and questions as to how you feel or what might be wrong with you, with them, or between you both when there really is nothing the matter at all.

Unfortunately, there is never a satisfactory answer to the many questions to which there is an implicit demand for a suitable, adequate, and proper explanation, or it presents a vector of possible conflict. How do you explain when you just feel unperturbed and meh?

Solitude and expression

Then, I guess the concept of solitude is an often-misunderstood subject about individuality, the idea of space and the cultural dimensions that might pertain to it. My blog is both a public journal and a conservatory of thinking that frequently has too much read into what is written. Whereas its fundamental purpose is a forum to document and develop thoughts for possible discussion.

I fear that when my blog is read in this way, it would begin to arrest expression leading to self-censorship and the loss of an outlet for my own catharsis, that is something I would hate to happen on my blog. Its free format for expression and introspection is valuable and useful, retaining this space for it matters much.

Person and personable

Indeed, I am a social being, I love company, companionship, and my relationship, but not to the extent of feeling like one part of conjoined twins fused together at some part of our bodies. By nature, I am also introverted, I do not function well in crowds. Heck! I went to bed early leaving guests to my birthday celebration partying.

This is same person who appears to easily strike up conversations with strangers. There are many facets to personality and individuality, I can be a hermit easily forgoing any human intervention cooped up in my apartment for up to a week without it bothering me, it suits my temperament.

However, the joy, security, and stability of having someone to love, and lean on, is priceless. I cherish it, I honour it, I will continue to nurture it and build it into an enduring treasure of life, may it prosper and grow, I love you, Brian.

Please, be at ease with me

Fear not what you see

Do I ever rebuke,
Even as though a duke,
Or my words abrade,
And inflict like in a raid,
Seek I constant apology,
To be beheld like an effigy,
My lips spew criticism,
With all its cynicism,
Has one given no praise,
Just not to follow a craze,
Too difficult to impress,
Leaving some in distress,
Seen as quite impossible,
That I am unapproachable,
Many are my faults,
As deemed the assault,
A god I seek not to be,
Fear not what you see.

Not acting on what is remembered of them

We see only the good

Through affinity and familiarity, we acquire the kind of subjectivity that blinds us to certain characteristics of personality and integrity. The people we seem to know by whom we have determined they can do no wrong, we hoist them on plinths of adoration, unimpeachable and perfect despite their flaws being evident to others.

The searing truth of the character of our somewhat familiars escapes scrutiny and challenge, we are left totally unpersuaded of the truth and maybe that is necessary for the kind of relationships we need to maintain for the respect or the mystique the person presents to our opinions and adulation of them.

Speak the truth always

Yet, I am of the rare disposition of not speaking ill of the dead whilst not supporting false encomiums and epitaphs that suggest a life lived differently from the knowledge we have of such persons. The needful must be done, to bury the dead. However, to praise them beyond their lived human expression is to at once attend to falsehood and do them an injustice.

The evil men do remains the evil they have done, just as the good they have done is the good for which they should be lauded and appreciated.

Do well with all

In the many stories I have heard of people who have heretofore seemed worthy of praise because their deeds are concealed in the secrecy of acts that others remember them for, I have been astounded.

All I can say is that for all that they might have done wrong, we should find it in our better selves not to act as they have done to us and so become like them, but to rise to a standard for which we might be found good, faultless, and exemplary.

The sands of time will always archive the record and in the way we have been made to feel, by those who have contemned us, if we cannot forget, we can attempt to forgive.

Thought Picnic: The futility in trying to rearrange me

Keep it in perspective

Let me consider the anticipation and excitement greeting some situation that has been considered the whole year but been hamstrung by the heavy pall of the pandemic along with the nationalistic restrictions imposed taking little cognisance of the fact that we need a globally concerted and integrated effort to arrest the hold of the Coronavirus.

Along the way, nerves are getting frazzled even as the default posture is to avoid any agitation as much as possible, from near and afar, as you channel issues that should best be resolved in the propinquity of the participants and principals rather than then seeking external counsel and intervention to no better end than to blindside you into taking sides.

Minimalist to my strength

It is a constant refrain, if not a battle to not get involved if possible and to be as minimally light-touch as possible. To have an effect rather than directly affect calls on insight and wisdom, maybe it is just self-preservation, it is all part of keeping one’s sanity in the midst of much turmoil.

Blog - Thought Picnic: I am best at my own speed

To some, I can be so easily upset when it is not so much the singular events but the compounding of different things, dissatisfaction, angst, anxiety, cravings, temptations, desires, the unfulfilled, the unexpected, little mistakes, annoyances, obstinacy and stubbornness against predicted outcomes, the irksome things are myriad and caught in the web of one’s existence that it might if allowed snuff out any pleasure.

Just as I am, is fine

It takes a different kind of awareness to not be drawn into the little and inconsequential that might result in inadvertent consequences begetting ruefulness and regret. What I choose to ignore sometimes is just for my safety and not out of slight, I cherish my peace of mind, my own company, and quite importantly, my own space. That I have to explain this can be frustrating and infuriating.

Anyway, I do what I have to do and along with hoping that the prayer of serenity is fulfilled in every circumstance, I am faced with, to know what I can change, what I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Then, for as long as I can remember, too many have wanted to change me into what they think I should be rather than accepting that my uniqueness and individuality has their own expression that could be allowed to flourish for them to see me as the best I could ever be, along with my humanity, my flaws, my weaknesses and my somewhat incomprehensible tics.

Being the salt of the earth

Making no apology

I sometimes find myself warning friends and acquaintances about associating with me, not because of who I am but out of concern for them in terms of how I am perceived by others. Somehow, some people who have publicly associated with me have been ostracised or penalised for no other reason than their humanity.

In a way, I represent a kind of independence not beholding or dependent on anyone, system, or situation. I am outside the ambit of influence of some who think people like me should be in the closet, depressed and fearful rather than living beautifully, thriving, and enjoying the kind of happiness that has never been in their purview.

I’m just me

Not that it bothers me in the least, I have always been who I am, level-headed, playful, seriously unserious, clowning about, easily accessible, hopefully sympathetic, and empathetic for humanity and humanitarian causes, with a liberal worldview of living and letting live, avoiding unnecessary confrontation and giving many much latitude in the benefit of the doubt.

Those quite close to me might wonder about my kind of crazy that might be mistaken for a negative when it could well be stooping to conquer. I want to think I am not a difficult person or even one difficult to understand. Yes, there are seriously misunderstood or underappreciated aspects of my person and personality, if I were so totally predictable, where would the mystery be?

I am spice

Yet, I appreciate those who see more in me that on the surface, who do not pass any judgement until they have duly and properly engaged me, who that sought to know me as a person rather than a label or an object, who have grown to respect me for my views and opinions no matter how they might differ from their outlook.

In the end, we have to share this world and this space, we would not agree on everything, we can respectfully agree to disagree without becoming disagreeable. Heck! We might even become friends with aspects of common interest, accommodating of each other in the broadening of our horizons. I have a teachable spirit and an inclination to learning. I hope to give my curiosity the widest field to explore whilst never losing my sense of youth and almost childish precocity.

I am without negotiation who I am, if you can’t take me by the spoonful or by the pinch of salt, I would never be any less one of the condiments of life, whether you choose to spice your life with my presence is neither here nor there. I would remain the best human I can be for myself and to anyone who considers me such.

We are chameleons of nature

Opening to the strange

I have sometimes wondered about the kind of comfort we find with strangers such that intimate details are shared in ways that we would never consider with those we know.

We engage and unburden freely maybe unconsciously that there will never be another encounter so that the familiar does not visit us again and with it bring some embarrassment. Just as the tongue might be loosened by drink in the midst of friends, the elixir of strange meetings gives an inebriating fillip to unbridled liberties.

The anonymous becomes a comfortable channel for things closed off, a place where there is an expression for which we do not want to be known to others. It is like our secret selves still needs a place to be not so secret, yet not public with a face or some recognition.

Natural inhibitions of nature

Maybe in the embrace of the strange, we find a new range for our passions and our fears, even hopes and desires get to travel in paths we never dared to let them get out to experience. We have a tendency to compartmentalise, manage the facets of who we are to different levels of acquaintance, we are being completely who we are and yet never the complete picture to those who think they know everything about us.

It is probably healthy to be apparently extroverted to the unfamiliar whilst being introverted to the too familiar, whether vice versa is a good thing, I am not too sure. We are chameleons taking on strange and familiar colours depending on the environment; that is in truth not quite unnatural, is it?

On celebrating a 30-year career in IT

Selling yourself, yourself

After graduation, I had no godfathers who could call their friends to get a job for their boy. I had somewhat passed the age of favours, sympathy or pity. I was almost a pariah to many but a few. Having lost 5 years of post-secondary education to multiple failures and kickstarts of life and career, I found new opportunities.

In fact, they were not opportunities, just a sense of daring. A new pair of shoes my mum had bought for me and a moment of epiphany. One night in early October 1988, I realised, I am the best representative of myself. So, I decided, that was what I was going to do, represent myself.

Walking the talk

I started out in Ikeja, walking the expensive streets one of which was named Cocaine Avenue which somewhat had a reputation for wealth acquired through dubious means. The same street had businesses catering to the moneyed, the influential and the well-connected.

Every few steps I took, led me to the door of another computer services business. I had the choice of pursuing a career in the electrical power end of things which is almost back-breaking work when I worked at the Flour Mills of Nigeria some 3 years before. Our every working day revolved around electrical motors, mostly high-powered drivers of turbines, belts, machines and much else. Those are memories I would rather leave in the past.

Confidence to access

My preference was to work on the electronics side of my Electrical and Electronic Engineering qualification. I immediately knew that it would pay less, but it offered a growing wealth of experience if I was ready for the challenge.

Without invitation or appointment, I walked into every business I could find, greeted the receptionist and politely asked for a job, stating I had just graduated. Everyone seemed to commiserate but had nothing to offer. I did not relent. Yet, I remembered a few years before that I lost a job offer to others who presented predatory opportunities to the gatekeepers of those businesses.

I did my Ikeja run for just over two days and in that time, I honed my introduction and conversation, working harder to present myself in a better light. My accent belied a foreignness, my demeanour some sophistication and my conversation, some uncommon politeness and maybe some confidence too. How do you walk into offices asking for a job and an opportunity to work and learn at the same time?

The sign welcomed

Having achieved no success in Ikeja, I boarded a bus for Lagos Island, when just opposite Baptist Academy on Ikorodu Road, I saw a big sign, IT Systems Ltd on a white building. I got off at the next stop and walked back on myself to this rather imposing building.

At the reception, I introduced myself and stated my purpose. She got up, went into the offices and came back out followed by a manager with whom I had a further conversation about my course, the projects I had done, my exposure to programming and my interest in computers. Then, I had worked with business machines that you programmed with assembler code and Apple 2c and 2e computers at school, programming in BASIC and FORTRAN 77.

The manager’s name was Felix Ogun, it was the 2^nd Friday of October and he invited me to start work on Monday. That was the beginning of a career in Information Technology that this month has lasted 30 years.

Privilege and opportunity

I owe my career to the many who were ready to give me opportunities where I had no influence or leverage, just potential and some self-believe. The self-believe is a product of parentage and the early education I received, it trained me never to be fearful of person, personality, office or position. Privilege and opportunity can confer status, it does not make anyone else any more a human being than you are; if you can and you must at the very least treat each other with consideration and respect.

My uncle and aunt, the Soyinkas, who when I was at the time failing even though I wasn’t stupid or incompetent, but in fact, with hindsight, clinically depressed and unproductive. They gave me a home, amazing support, boosted my confidence and gave me the latitude to grow into the person I have become. To them, I would be eternally grateful, for I blossomed, I thrived and I succeeded in their care.

Belief and agreement

Deji Sasegbon was a lawyer, he owned the office block in which IT Systems had their offices on the ground floor and he had his legal publishing practice on the first floor. They sometimes had hardware problems and invited us to help out. For each solution, he offered money, I refused. He gave me my second career opportunity, I became a consultant in desktop publishing with an unusual contract arrangement.

The cost of my flight ticket whenever I decide to leave for the UK and a monthly stipend. This opened doors to many other opportunities. IT Systems was a year of sponging up knowledge of hardware, software, systems, business practices and networks. By October 1989, I had enough knowledge and expertise to branch out as a self-employed consultant and my first month of work paid 10 times my last salary at IT Systems. D-Sash as we used to call him, passed away a few years ago, I never really got to thank him for the doors he opened for my career.

Potential despite threat

Clifton Bissick offered me my first role in the UK. Everywhere I went, I was told I did not have UK-acquired experience, even though the experience I had borne out of curiosity, self-development and eagerness to learn and understand put me well above the skills profile of many who had the acquired experience I was said to not have.

At the BBC, even though I was probably the best-qualified candidate for the role, the manager called me to say I was selling myself short and so he could not offer me the job. I think it was a euphemism for suggesting I was considered a threat to the positions of people who had become entrenched in that system. It hurt, but I looked ahead. Clifton and I are still in contact, he was my manager until August 1994.

Trust beyond capacity

Eoghan Doyle, if there was ever a manager who had more confidence in both my person and my skills long before I knew what I was capable of, he stands tall amongst all those who had that influence in my career. He walked up to my desk one morning and said, ‘Akin, I have something I want you to do for me.’ That is how I started working with Microsoft Systems Management Server from version 1.1 in 1996 and all its various versions and incarnations to date.

Many others in friendships and engagement were part of the extensive support system of my career, Kola Akinola, my best friend from when we were innocent and doe-eyed, Steven Bicknell, my first long-term partner who gave me stability in turbulent times of finding myself, John Coll who I was never qualified enough to work for but always had the time, the space, the advice and the pep-talk to help me along immensely – now of blessed memory.

To all these wonderful people, I can never be thankful enough, for with them I have attained what might have been impossible and beyond reach, I have succeeded where I might have been overwhelmed, I have lived experiences that are the substance of unattainable dreams. I have lived in wonder and beauty and much more. And we are still talking about work that brings new excitement and pleasure, daily.

One other thing I have learnt is, when it is no more fun, walk away from it.

Thought Picnic: Remembering the day you were told, you smell like a toilet

In juvenile detention

I left the office early today at the end of a 2-week working visit to Berlin to be able to beat the rush-hour traffic to the airport. Even that did not mean we were not caught up in traffic until my taxi cab driver used his smarts to cut a detour that took probably 20 minutes out of our journey time.

Down one of the byroads, I noticed high fences and barbed wire on top of the walls. Military, I thought until I saw the sign in German for young offender’s institution. The taxi cab driver said it was a place for pickpockets.

I thought about the parents of the kids in that institution and how they might have helped or failed their kids. Maybe there was nothing they could do about the situation.

The threat of detention

Just then, my thoughts wandered to the many instances where in my father’s displeasure, he threatened to have me locked up in a police cell, for no other reason than the breakdown of communication and the thought that the experience might just toughen me up and make me probably more amenable to the thinking and the respectful subservience to his obstinate will.

Whilst the threat was never carried out because others intervened, and I was to humble and humiliate myself at his feet to placate him, the thought that he would threaten this police cell idea remained a lasting blot to what could have developed into a more rewarding father-son relationship.

It is no stretch of the imagination that I was at times a difficult and unruly child, in some ways the rebelliousness was seeking a way of independent expression, some of which might well have landed me in a young offender’s institution.

When to them you smell

Things finally came to an irredeemable schism when on failing my course he decided I would be more useful on his failing farm. It was conceptually a gulag neither I nor my mother was keen on the idea. I guess on the running of my luck, I had become more of a mother’s child than a father’s child. The morning we were to go to the farm, my sister gave me some money and I left my home for good.

However, I find myself writing this blog because I just read reports of an excerpt from Lisa Brennan-Jobs’ book called Small Fry in which she talks of the difficult and sometimes strained relationship she had with her father, the legendary Steve Jobs. [The Telegraph]

She visited him just before he died and sprayed on an expensive rose facial which she found in one of her father’s bathrooms and his acknowledgement? “You smell like a toilet.” This after hugging her.

A destructive streak

It is sometimes difficult to write about the complicated relationship between a parent and a child. The joy in your being born could soon dissipate into condescension, obloquy, disparagement and condemnation. “You smell like a toilet”, is a paraphrase that means many things from disappointment, disillusion and anger on the part of the parent.

You’re not measuring up, in the many ways you by osmosis were supposed to not just to meet the standard but exceed it, whatever that unspoken standard was. The times I was not fast enough, I was not man enough, I was not athletic enough, my teeth were rotten, my mouth was smelly, I was stupid, blind, dumb, an altogether a sense of shame that I could ever have been their offspring. When nothing else worked the ultimate putdown was, you were not responsible.

Take heed what you say

There is a coming of age to this whole process though, from the earnest desire to please and receive praise, through the fear of offending locking you into a state of stupefying stunted lack of agency, the need for acceptance then tires you out to the point of seething resentment, by which time indifference leads you to live your own life the best way you can regardless. You shrug it all off.

I cannot remember when the desire to please my father lost its drive, it was before I was 20 and I had already failed at simple and difficult things. I became the ward of another who allowed me to explore possibilities in ways that gave me a sense of direction.

In some ways, I have a good relationship with my father now, in others, flippant statements in the tone and intent of “You smell like a toilet” have a way of sticking in the recesses of your memory for a lifetime. They are never forgotten. You always remember those things, for they cut deep, stab you in the heart and recovering from the blow is almost impossible, maybe only time can heal the pain.

Take heed what you say to a child.

Seeing the strange in strangers exhibiting strangeness

Curls adrift with the shade of blonde,
Walking up the road with an angelic visage,
Looking into window panes every few steps,
Hands running through the hair,
For vanity, we must live.

Then interests came as desire does,
To wit, what we must do to enjoy,
With pleasure is tacked a fantasy,
Never satisfied to attainment,
They must for another thing ask.

Just as the thought swelled with admiration,
A chance encounter revealed a surprise,
As he passed a man on the street,
Without cause, his voice was raised,
After which he cursed and railed.

Then back to the other episode,
My race is an exotic find for the curious,
My state is incomplete for a date,
To which I must boldly and crossly aver,
Have me as I am or be gone with you.

In the stranger, we expect the good,
But in the unknown, you can see the strange,
Beneath the skin is much human strangeness,
Sometimes to be held in contempt,
If you are uncomfortable in your skin.

Thought Picnic: Jumping down from Mount Ego

Ego and aura

Mystique is a strange thing, it is one thing to create it around yourself, and it is entirely another thing to have it created around you.

In the first instance, it is the surfeit of ego, in the other, it tends towards the cult of personality where sycophants and those who fawn around you expect that to be the attitude of others as they become the gatekeepers of access to you.

Now, I do respect people and authority, but I was never brought up to fawn. If you do not have two heads, six arms and ten legs, it is unlikely that I will view you as anything other than a human-being who probably has achieved something of note, but that is where it ends.

Where I stand

You can expect courtesy from me, but not subservience, however, I will not be treated with disrespect as I use one simple barometer for this. What I have not had my parents demand of me, will not be demanded of me by others.

My parents are quite level-headed with their faults, no doubt, but they never addressed me with four-letter words, even when they were angry, they never cursed or ‘cussed’, they were clear in their intentions and acted like they knew best, though at the time, it may not have been the best for me.

Yet, there was a time in my working life when an activity that was my core responsibility impacted negatively on a very senior executive. At which point, everyone around him was running around like headless chickens, looking for other heads to roll and eventually I was to call the man and explain myself.

Give much to this

As an information technology consultant, I have always believed in the need to communicate, I have no problems in letting people know what I am about to do, what it entails, how it would affect them and what they need to do when the activity does not produce the intended result.

Having heard an earful from my boss, his boss and the executive’s secretary, I called the man and we had the most pleasant conversation as he acknowledged that he was well informed of my activities and that what had happened to his computer was one of those quirks of technology, ending with the comforting advice to take my time in resolving the issue.

Here was a man who had position and authority to project his ego and to a person at my level probably ask for my sacking without consequence, yet was reasonable enough to realise that things happen and things were in place to mitigate such circumstances enough not to make a big deal of it.

Everyone else however had created this mystique about him as if he was unapproachable and full of terror, a Medusa to anyone who dared cast a gaze at him and he was nothing of the sort.

Meeting the people

The many people we meet who having had a reputation of ‘diva’ or more built around them only for us to realise on meeting them that they are down-to-earth, humble, easy-going, full of good humour and more; all because people around them have created and encouraged the mystique and elevated that to a cult of personality, much of which does not really impress me, one bit.

That is not to say that some have not bought into this mystique, either by reason of their position or worse still by reason of their proximity to power.

Rightly putting them down

We see a lot of that in Nigeria, where mere assistants suddenly think because they are bag-fetchers they are everything, untouchable, unreachable, steeped in pomposity and projecting delusions of grandeur that some foolishly subscribe to, these personifications of odium exciting violent emesis are so up themselves, they have become doughnuts twice over in narcissism, they cannot be helped further than having a comeuppance.

Such was it that I am concluding this blog with a put-down I read on Twitter that sadly, they person it was address to might never have understood it, put downs must never be wasted on some people and Reno Omokri, Special Assistant to the Nigerian President on New Media is one such person.

There are many references to this tweet on the web and it might not have been the original posting, but it is one to note when Olusegun Dada said to Reno Omokri, “If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb to the top of your ego and jump down to your IQ.”

Very few of my followers on Twitter will argue Mr Omokri deserved anything less, that is a riposte worthy of stripping away the bloated mystique of arrogant and self-important people.

Dear Mr Wendell @renoomokri, If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb to the top of your ego and jump down to your IQ.
— Olusegun Dada (@DOlusegun) March 4, 2014

C3 Encounters 2012 - Day 2 (Session II) - Pastor Peter Paauwe

Day 2 at C3 Encounters 2012 was quite a busy day, I have decided to publish my reviews of each of the messages in separate parts and blogs and not in any particular order.

Pastor Peter Paauwe – Breaking through your ceiling

Pastor Paauwe began his message by saying regardless of what you might have obtained or established, you can learn from anyone.

Then developing on the message he shared yesterday about commitment, he said, “Your breakthrough is your own responsibility.” However, that is determined by how we think about the situations we are in Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinks, so he is.

Our spirit already has the fullness of God indwelling; it is our thinking that has to change. The order to change our circumstances and see things differently, the growth has to happen in your thinking.

Your internal capacity has to grow to suit your vision, your faith and your skills. If you cannot handle small problems you are not equipped to handle larger problems.

In terms of scale, the problems are usually the same for small or large churches being able to maintain calm and peace are elements of your ability needed to handle problems and it comes with your recognising God’s commitment to you.

You stifle your growth if you think in terms of your problems; growth comes by thinking in terms of solutions, possibilities and opportunities.

Be driven by your big vision with confidence and using common-sense.

Internal ceilings and external ceilings

Don't run with the chickens; fly with the eagles.

Note: Pastor Paauwe taught in Dutch and so as he said we were at the mercy of the interpreter. I feel the use of ceiling is contextually analogous to conflict. Internal ceilings can be read to mean inner conflict and external ceilings can be read to mean external conflict.

He began to teach by saying he was going to compare and contrast two similar but also different personalities and how each reacted to situations and circumstances in their lives.

His chosen personalities were David and Saul - Saul had internal ceilings whilst David had mainly external ceilings.

How we deal with our ceilings will be determined by our Faith, our Courage and our use of Common-sense. [The Dutch word for common-sense literally translates to the way farmers do things.]

Saul and David were both were anointed and they both had prophets in their reigns Samuel for the former and Nathan latter.

Between selection and achievement

Saul was selected to be king from appearance but he had internal conflicts, he aimed to please, wanted to impress and was always seeking approval and adulation. We need to recognise that only one opinion should matter; that of God about us.

Saul had charisma and some physical presence but no character, skills or leadership ability.

David was anointed to be king with the clear distinction of not being chosen by appearance but for character and characteristics that were not immediately discernible to the eye. Then, he was still a shepherd-boy and there was where he learnt his skills.

Though it was not obvious what he could do, when the time came, the skills became not only useful, they were unveiled to the nation at a very public event.

You have to use what God has given you in talent and ability it will result in achieving something great eventually. A man’s gift makes way for him.

Seeing problems and seeing opportunity

When Saul saw Goliath he saw insurmountable problems, he did not inspire confidence and was fearful as Goliath daily threatened the armies of Israel; David even though he did not belong in the army he did not see Goliath as the looming threat, he had a different mind-set.

A man without inner conflicts always sees an opportunity and he is always ready to take on the world around him. Saul limited by the small vision of himself and very low self-esteem saw big problems around him; David’s vision was so big, he had a consuming sense of purpose and drew his strength from knowing who he was and conveyed a perspective that the armies of Israel had all the power of God to back them and lead them to victory. He did not once see Goliath as a problem.

We need to be opportunity-focused not problem-focused.

Though David’s brothers knew he was anointed to be the next king of Israel, they treated him with contempt but he refused to allow the non-recognition of his status to dissuade him from expressing the forceful truth of Goliath not being a problem.

When he was brought before Saul, Saul attempted to equip David with his armour, but David had never proved the armour, it was much bigger than him and it would have hindered him.

Be careful that you do not end up using other peoples weapons to fight your own battles, your ability to succeed can only be based on what you know, what you use and what you understand. It has to be borne of your personality and self-expression.

It is easy to be impressed with professional people but what takes you over is the size of your vision, your faith and your use of common-sense.

Be responsive

David had imperfect people, they were rough and ready but he worked with them, he embraced them, he loved them, he taught them, he encouraged them, he gave them opportunities and in the process he built his own army; he had good leadership skills.

Because Christ is in you, you can make the change you need - my heart must lead my head not the other way round.

If you enlarge your capacity to deal with issues, you will attract those with even more capacity to help you tackle bigger problems, circumstances and battles.

When Saul was challenged he always made excuses, he had no remorse, he was foolish and never quick to make amends. David however responded well to rebuke, he immediately recognised his errors, he had remorse, he repented, he quickly made amends, he was teachable, so God remained with him and he grew in stature and authority.

Externally and physically Saul looked okay, but he was a troubled man, serious conflicted, tormented by spirits, he was jealous, impulsive, obstinate, disobedient, always in pursuit of being honoured regardless of what he had done.

Stop making excuses, the revelation is within you. Enlarge the tent of your thinking. Isaiah 54:2.

Knowing where God is in the situation

David did not allow external circumstances to determine his limits.

Internal ceilings and inner conflicts are your responsibility, you have to deal with the issues, repent and readjust your perspective of things starting with your thinking.

External ceilings and external conflicts are also your responsibility; however, with a big vision, faith, confidence and common-sense those battles are easier to win.

I can feel dry but I am not dry, I have rivers of living water in me, the spirit dwells in me, the fullness of God is in me.

The responsibility is mine to read the bible, to meditate and to begin to see things the way God sees things about you.

God never moves ahead of you, God only takes steps as you take them, I always have to take those steps for God to move. This is the case with Joshua.

If he had not with the children of Israel marched round the walls of Jericho, the walls will still stand.

As long as you have limitations, you cannot make progress.

Keep in your rightful place for your protection

When Jonathan struck a covenant with David, he was already aware he will not succeed his father Saul to the throne, that David will be the next king of Israel. As long as Jonathan stayed with David, he was safe in the protection of God’s purpose and would have easily be honoured in the company of David.

However, Jonathan returned to fight alongside his father who had been rejected of God, he perished with his father in battle.

Thought Picnic: Getting Dangerously Absent From Myself

I hearing me

I had a conversation with a prospective recruiter this morning and the more I heard myself; the more I became worried about the possibility of losing my vice, my assertiveness, my sense of confidence and a feeling of assuredness.

She was quite understanding and listened attentively showing unusual concern and readiness to engage, it was easy to apologise, if not make excuses for my voice that sounded worlds away from the contents of my résumé.

However, this does not bode well, the force of personality with appears in well letters is usually expressed spiritedly in demeanour, speech and conversation.

I could hear myself rambling to the point that I had to check myself for coherence, the sense of wonderment that made for thinking I was leaving myself behind rather than putting myself forward can be quite scary.

This calls for an intervention, immediate, effective and radical – I need to find me before I am dangerously absent from myself.

How to brew a conspiracy

The boss is up to no good

This was in the making for quite a while, that is was all coming together now was no surprise to all affected, but why?

Well, January is the time of yearly Performance Reviews in our organisation; yet, the characteristics that govern our execution or rather muddling and fumbling through projects are evident in performance review workflow.

The logic really follows that one should not expect that phase to run counter to the grain, especially if you are not if you are not on the greasy pole of corporate enhancement.

Being a time when managers exercise the most latitude without giving anything away, the dissimulation beggars belief, thinking you are hoodwinked, everyone can see the lie as well as you will see the enemy coming if you were atop a mountain – from all direction in which your gaze is cast.

The notices about the review arrived about two months before, but no stirrings to act until five days before the deadline.

The more perceptive of us had asked HR if this issue had been shelved, the advice came to be patient, because the whole process now in motion would impinge on us like an avalanche.

Therefore, it did on Monday with the proviso that further information about the review would follow. It did not.

Always be prepared

Having seen other teams obtain forms in preparation, which were filled in well before the meetings, the boss became accountable for not allowing us that level of preparation.

Being a master of the black arts of management, with the preparedness that foxes the fox that the hounds caught; the race was over by the time the gun went in a short sprint when his head start was at the finishing line. A victory lap he does, you bemoaning your tardiness.

Our team holds the initiative for all innovation, so in spite of the apparent lapse on his part, we surreptitiously obtained the form anyhow from others and prepared.

Herein is the conspiracy, fuelling resentment, bitterness, anger, retribution bordering on a compulsive obsession to unleash a self-destruct move.

Our man in the echelons of power knew we take time to prepare to meet with him, and when on projects or official issues he is not remiss to desiccate and pulverise, the individual has more control over this personal subject with the right to refuse to endorse an unfavourable agreement.

An option includes bringing in HR for arbitration, not good for either party.

However, lest one succumbs to the pervasive hypnosis brought on by praise that is damning if objectively reviewed, alertness to the facts with a waver of thought becomes a focal issue.

To forget is human

For the boss to gain ascendancy in such a way as to be able to withhold rightful remuneration is poor, though the game of subtlety involved is not for the faint-hearted or boys.

In the end, it had slipped his mind, not before everyone had their heads shaking in disgust and the quest for the counsel of the wise left one rueing one's potent ability to generally think things through and avoid the concealed disaffection, which masquerades as respect.

Ready, we were for the day and for those who battled, some drew blood, but none was harmed.

The day after is a tomorrow of promise, the promises you have made to yourself and not the ones about to be broken in the heat of your ego being massaged.

Temperament Sorters and Personality questionnaires

For one, before such assessments, one reviews once again the personality of I using the Keirsey Temperament Sorter II – An Artisan Performer one is, but do not believe that one is that much an extrovert, appearances are usually that deceiving.

Caveats

The temperament sorter provides a free mini-result, but the full analysis costs about $15 and is well worth it.

One's Temperament is Artisan (SP) and the Character Type (ESFP); more detail is available on The Keirsey Home page.

An additional sorter based on the original results to define your kind of career aspirations is obtainable from your profile page for under $20.

One has found this useful and is no sales pitch.