Misunderstood Perceptions
How I am viewed by
others leaves me baffled, if not surprised. If I am not generally considered a
curmudgeon, it is assumed I have a temperament easily disposed to petty angst
and fits of pique, with a tendency to take offence without cause.
How this figment of
imagination takes hold and plays out, as if an alter ego of mine has supplanted
my reality and taken my place interacting with others, escapes me. It would be
unkind to suggest others are getting ahead of themselves.
My True Nature
In my mind, I would
think those with whom I have issues would be in no doubt that I have issues
with them, despite every desire for them to think they have done nothing wrong.
Much as I tend to be
a loner, keeping to myself and enjoying my own company in the confines of my
bedroom, oblivious of the world, I do not pick a grudge for the sake of being
contrarian.
The Demands of Others
Indeed, there are
times I want to be left well alone. It is a prerogative I seem to have no
unilateral licence to exercise without question; there are people who simply
need my engagement regardless of my situation.
Tribute, attention,
communication and calls must be made or answered, or an inquiry is instituted
bordering on an inquisition. My guilt is decided without the option for
innocence, all in a day, or even shorter, between dawn and dusk.
No Hiding Place
In this, I have no
hiding place. My solitude is a room with too many keys, distributed freely to
others who enter at will, demanding tribute in the form of my time, my
attention and my immediate response. No excuse is ever good enough for breaking
formation; I must meet expectations or face sanction.
If I had the temerity
to consider changing the locks, just imagine how the charge of treason would
stick, because I belong to something beyond myself. My boundaries and borders
are without demarcation, access taken rather than given.
Why does a moment
cloud and crowd out the significance of the enduring, from which the narrative
and story bear their existence? I suppose I would never understand where, for
some, the spectrum of security is transient, whilst for others it is a bond of endurance
that cannot be nicked by ephemeral conniptions.
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