Love, Distance, and a City Called Home

A Month On

Today marks a calendar month since I boarded the flight for the 13-hour, 25-minute journey back from Cape Town to Manchester, and yet the scenes from that visit still run through my mind as though the credits have not quite rolled. Already, I am planning the next one.

Cape Town represents more than a destination; the story began barely seven years ago, when Brian and I had our second rendezvous in South Africa. Soon after we met in Johannesburg in December 2018, I resolved to spend the next Easter with him.

It was a stroke of good fortune that in late February 2019, work dried up and, rather than loiter aimlessly waiting for a new posting, I took a next-day flight to Johannesburg. It was entirely unscripted, and yet it became the scene that changed everything. Brian joined me for ten days, which became the consummation of our relationship.

From Joburg to Cape Town

I did not cancel the planned Easter meeting. Some scenes, it seems, are written regardless of what comes before them. We were going to meet up in Johannesburg, fly together to Cape Town, and then return to Joburg for the end slice of our holiday.

Now, we just meet up in Cape Town and make home in apartments around the city and suburbs. It is the kind of story you return to willingly, knowing the setting well but always finding something in it you had not quite seen before. Each stay brings unforgettable memories as we work towards being together a lot more than being apart.

What Love Brings

What Brian brings into my life is immeasurable: love, care, companionship, laughter, shared experiences, and stories that make our uniquely special bond everything that matters to both of us. These are not trivial things. They are the substance of a story worth telling, and more importantly, worth living.

My heart is full, and I am blessed with such unconditional love that I pray daily to be worthy of the affection that someone expresses so wholly, freely, sincerely, and unashamedly.

Never a Dull Moment

There is never a dull moment. The way we seek out adventure, revisiting old haunts or discovering new places, gives the story its texture, the kind of detail that stops a narrative from flattening into something predictable.

So, Cape Town is a place transforming into a reality what is the stuff of impossible dreams coming true. Love transcends distance, endures difficulty, ekes out the best, and writes the stories we could never have imagined.

Cape Town, Our Home

Our minds walk through places we have registered so well that each recollection feels like more than words. It is like a film playing back, slowing just enough for us to keep up with everything, with no need to rewind or fast-forward; it is always at the right pace. Perhaps that is what love does to memory. It becomes the editor, keeping only what matters.

That is why we know Cape Town will be our home, our sanctuary, our nest, and our place. The story is far from over. We cannot wait to be together again in the Mother City; even time folds for the purpose of real love.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Thought Picnic: When Support Becomes Self-Insertion

A Childhood Memory

It was July 1977. My father had lost his great-aunt, the wife of my great-grandmother's younger brother. From letters he and his great-uncle exchanged in the 1960s, I could see this man had been a highly respected mentor and confidante. The funeral would take place in our hometown, and we would all attend.

At the graveside, as the priest finished the oblations of dust to dust and ashes to ashes, we all proceeded to sprinkle earth on her coffin. At that moment, I became inconsolably distraught. I began bawling and weeping, overcome with grief. I literally became a distraction. Even as we left the graveside, people continued to console me.

One thing I noted about that day was that no one else, not even the grandchildren, put up such a performance. I was genuinely affected, but others might have wondered why I was weeping more than the directly bereaved.

Learning to Respond

Understanding how to respond to human misery is essential in ways that may not be easily understood. We often mistake our kind of engagement as sharing in the burden of others' misery when it is not.

This became quite apparent to me after my first encounter with cancer. Before that, I had neither the understanding nor the frame of reference to appreciate what people were going through. I could offer a sense of concern, perhaps a lot of sympathy, and possibly some empathy.

On occasion, I have inserted myself into another's misery by narrating my own tale of woe instead of listening to them and offering both comfort and succour.

Nowadays, my experience of cancer, its mental toll, pain, and other life issues makes me knowledgeable enough. Yet I would never suggest to someone in that situation that I know what they are going through, even when I understand their predicament based on what I have experienced.

Finding the Balance

Fundamentally, what is important is not being more affected than those who are truly affected, more distressed than those genuinely distressed, or becoming too ingrained in a situation to which we have no direct connection or relationship. We need to be aware of the degree of affinity, determined from intimate to acquaintance, and further to belonging, whether in a community or through some other sense of identification.

Then again, there is a place for activism on behalf of others. Causes with which we identify can benefit ourselves and others, addressing issues like disengaged officialdom, injustices, advocacy, and knowledge sharing, as I do when informing others about prostate cancer.

However, my prostate cancer awareness activity does not become one where I begin to bear the prostate cancer risk of others. That is not helpful to anyone, and that is the broader lesson: be conversant without becoming absorbed, be understanding without becoming overbearing, and beware of inserting yourself into an issue so completely that you become the issue through how you express yourself about matters for which you have deep feelings.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

On the things I cherish

On the things I cherish

Some things are indescribable,
Where words make a likely fable,
For every moment I am able,
We like horses do share a stable.

In your eyes I see laughter,
That my steps begin to falter,
It is you and really no other,
That is much closer than a brother.

As seconds count up to days,
We find in our various ways,
How relationship just obeys,
And it is never like a haze.

The words that bring such humour,
Gladdening the heart with succour,
Seeking the fun that does concur,
With all, we choose to honour.

On those beautiful walks on the beach,
The tranquil that sounds like a speech,
Expressing what no one can teach,
We transcend things we once couldn’t reach.

It is a love that rarely speaks its name,
Where passion is never that tame,
It aspires not to any kind of fame,
Only asserts the truth of what we claim.

Annoying annoyances

What they see they see

What people’s impressions of me vary to the extent that I mustn't allow those viewpoints to influence or constitute my mode of expression. To be viewed as truculent, easily annoyed, and quick to take offence can only be a failure to invest in knowing me rather than one indicative of who I am.

I know the people I have intentionally given the cold shoulder and I have more fingers to count on one hand after I have accounted for them. I endured years of drunken opinions of seething disdain he became one of whom it was expedient to ensure any future dealings were terminated, after an unequal and trying friendship of just over two decades.

A gardener weeding engagements

I am not a difficult person to get along with, I however actively curate liaisons, acquaintances, friendships, and engagements, knowing what to cultivate and what to leave to lie fallow and allow to be reduced to insignificance. Frequently, it is not a reflection on them but a realisation that nothing worthwhile is to be gained from the continued relationship after inadequacy and frustration.

Maybe as an individual, I am quirky and strange, probably funny in a certain way, the things I allow to bother me are looking to be a better person and I am beginning to understand I need grace more than discipline. I might even consider counselling and therapy for some things, but those are personal journeys that anyone else might well find some profitable development for themselves.

Mirrors of keen expression

What I find insightful is and this might come as a surprise because, in this same blog post, I have suggested one aspect is not a reflection in terms of the choices of engagement, but a clear reflection if reviewed with introspection is the way people think about you might well be something about themselves too, their needs, their interests, perish the thought about their neediness or their insecurities which they then project on you as unfulfilling of a certain expectation.

How you maintain your composure when confronted with such situations becomes part of the development of character. It can be overlooked or ignored though there are times when a frankness of opinion might be bruising but immensely helpful, daily, I seek wisdom in knowing when either is right. One can argue that discernment may not be present in the state of inebriation which I never indulge or when aroused from a state of the soporific that is required in typical circadian rhythms.

Gun control of tempers frayed

Invariably, I am usually not annoyed when people think I am annoyed, I am usually annoyed because people assume I am, out of some work in their relationship that they need to work on, and then project that onto me as some inadequacy, I guess that is a trigger as much as a gun needs one along with good gun keeping by ensuring the safety is always on, just in case the gun falls into the hands of a two-year-old, of whom you cannot easily demand they give you back the gun as you would a harmless thing.

Why am I writing this blog? Just a few thoughts about the fact that making some allowances for everyone might help in understanding better rather than misunderstanding leading to bizarre conclusions. This month marks 4 decades of many things including a very cherished friendship if my memory serves me right. Anyway, like Pontius Pilate did say, I have written that I have written.

Thought Picnic: Is blood really thicker than water?

Does blood matter?

“Blood is thicker than water.” Said a close relation of mine after I informed them of the visit of a couple, I knew from being related to them. I responded, “Communication is thicker than blood which is evidently thicker than water.”

Communication, engagement, and interest matter, it does not have to be through being able to communicate in material things, but the just checking on people, their welfare and wellbeing is of great consequence. It suggests you see more in them than the perfunctory.

Do I matter at all?

I recall one Sunday afternoon about thirty years ago when I met an old secondary school classmate on the train. As I acknowledged him, I did not get a greeting or any engagement, his first comment was, “Where do you church?” I cannot remember if I responded in any way, but I never wanted anything to do with him anymore.

Years after, he was picking up his daughter from school when I saw him outside a train station, I made my excuses about rushing off somewhere else and that kind of indifference has been such that when he was promoting an album in a later blooming of a music career, I observed the development alone and nothing else.

Do they care a hoot?

Further to this are those who make assumptions when they call you out of the blue. That was last week, nothing was asked of things they might have known before about me or my current situation. They just assumed and were expecting a confirmation of their beliefs that were much further from reality than could be imagined.

Obviously, I was remembered and contacted because they were interested in involving me in a family celebration, and if conversation and communication had been cultivated and maintained, I would have found it difficult not to attend, grace the occasion, and honour the celebrant. You cannot reap benefits or rewards from indifference.

Does anyone want to know?

Indeed, I have kept to myself because at times you do not want everyone in your business including those who believe they should be in your business or have some knowledge of what you are experiencing at any point in time. What I choose to volunteer here is probably available to a global audience, but the deeper elements of things would require someone to make the effort to communicate.

I am very grateful to those who have genuinely reached out to me to ask about my welfare, not because it is transactional, even if at one point there was means and opportunity to attend to many needs along with helping them out. In adversity, you know those who are your friends and well, the fair-weather ones too.

Do they see you?

One does not need to keep a journal of these things, the memory rarely suffers the amnesia of an absence of mind, Maya Angelou said it best, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Just think of the situation where they said little, did nothing, and made you feel disconsolate and rueful of your circumstances.

Know who to keep in mind, who to keep in prayers, who to keep in contact with and who to appreciate does not have a part in your life, not because you mean nothing to them, you are just not on either their short-range or long-range radar, your invisibility to them is why you think they are indifferent. It is not a bad thing to move on, if you’re out of sight, set your sight on other things.

Thought Picnic: From overloaded to overcoming

Body in overload

Having been back from Cape Town for just over a week, it has been unsettling without the clear ability to concentrate on anything so functionally productive. For the last two nights in South Africa, I took time away for just myself, much as I have a quest for lasting and exciting companionship, I am quite essentially an introvert, desperately in need of just my own company and my own space, I love the outer quiet that allows the robust debates in my head to engage quite vigorously, almost to exhaustion.

Back at home, without due consideration for the change in environment and weather, I took my second COVID vaccine booster (the fourth jab), the next day. They did not have the Pfizer/BioNTech Comirnaty product on offer which I had for the first two vaccines and the booster, but I was offered the Moderna Spikevax instead, and it is based on the same mRNA technology.

Questions on disorder

As I am in a vulnerable cohort, I will on the advice of my supervising medical personnel take whatever protections are offered, I do not have the requisite medical knowledge to make far-reaching decisions that can be quite impactful on my health and wellbeing, I would rather ask questions demanding satisfactory and convincing answers than unilaterally exclude myself from the purview of medical management.

I think both factors; the change in weather and the booster exacerbated a feeling of discomfort and unease, along with some weakness and tiredness. Much as I exercised will over capability, there was much I was not doing, including getting back to my walking exercises. To heap on that distress, my house sitter had rearranged my home, with things not being where I would have had a mental note of leaving them and other things not being in the order or way they should be left.

Patterns of mindfulness

I try to convince myself that I can handle a bit of chaos or bring some order to things, but it is more upsetting to realise that deliberate disorder has been introduced to a space that is usually exclusively yours. It might well be that I find myself somewhere on the autistic spectrum that once the patterns I expect to observe have been distorted, I am deep into stress management and countermeasures.

At one time, I could not find what I was looking for it had been secreted away somewhere else, I just went to bed trying not to bother myself until they were found the next day. Later, when I could not find the power adapter to one of the laptops, I could not be bothered with asking, I just ordered another and held off until the next day again, what I wanted to do.

Funnily, it is at these times that could trigger a mental breakdown in others that I just want some peace around me, refusing to socialise even when it can be beneficial, because I just want to be alone with my thoughts or go to sleep and let all the turmoil resolve itself in the subconscious.

Completing all material

It might seem quirky too that the rest of the material for the Microsoft test I passed two weeks ago that I could never have done in time for taking the test on the Microsoft Learn website needed going through. I completed the full curriculum on Monday and Tuesday over almost 20 hours. I had the feeling, that just because I had passed the test did not mean I should abandon the material. I did the same for the test I passed in early June.

I think over the next few days, I would get back to myself to be more full of what I like to do, I am taking each day at a time, thankful for all the blessings and goodwill that surround me.

I do miss Brian, he is everything that exudes the joy and fun I enjoy in a person as much as he can infuriate and frustrate, you learn to manage these things in a relationship, and for all the apparent togetherness I portray, I am just as imperfect, hoping to be a better man and lover – it is a work in progress.

I am a dreamer and my dreams have come truer and better than I ever could dare to imagine, it comes to a point that I am sometimes afraid to live in the reality of extraordinary dreams coming true, for that I might just need some help because there are exciting lives to live and stories to tell.

Thoughts of love distant

Out of my funk

A sense of feeling a bit low and every attempt to cheer myself up looking for something that will lift me out of my funk. It is quite strange that I am in a relationship, a really meaningful one but we are not together because we usually rendezvous in South Africa and this pandemic keeps us apart.

Since we were last together the residual effects of the elixir of our meeting has depleted, we could do with a reunion again. Whilst they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, presence does make the heart glow with wonder. I guess what keeps us going is hope and expectation, we are closer now to our next tryst than when we said our goodbyes.

Meanwhile, I rest in the comfort of the messages we regularly exchange buoying up each other in the expression of love and care that we have. For that, I can both be thankful and grateful as I pray for and dream of the wonder of not-too-distant time ahead.

In the life of HRH, The Duke of Edinburgh

An amazingly long life

His Royal Highness, The Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh who died today we mostly know from his public service and also as the Queen’s consort of 73 years. That much about his public service would be duly covered by many tributes, recollections, and obituaries that would fill every medium of the dissemination of news, information, and trivia. [Wikipedia:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]

A man who died just 2 months short of his 100^th birthday leaves one sad at his not reaching that landmark, but 99 is an extraordinary innings, it is not a competition to attain but many things including blessing, provenance, and luck leaves us celebrating an extraordinary life.

Of support and companionship

To the Queen who has lost a husband, partner, companion, and mainstay of 73 years, there will be a great void created by the absence of someone with whom she first had letters from the age of 13, some 81 years ago, to her must be accorded the deepest and heartfelt sympathies. What an exemplary marriage, an example of companionship demonstrated in love, in accommodation, in endurance, in patience, and in tolerance.

Through the good times and the bad times, they supported each other their private arrangements giving life and light to their public engagements, their working together like a symphony, in rhythm, in movement, and enthralling music. It must be the kind of relationship anyone would long for; when partners first meet when they take their vows and each day make a fairy tale of their imperfections given the allowance to reach the best kind of perfect, they could muster for each other.

No mourning but celebration

To the children, the part of my Yoruba identity lauds them, even in their sorrow, to have been predeceased by a parent that lived for a ripe old age brings congratulations for surviving that parent. For such there is no mourning but joy, there is no black apparel or attire, just blue, we revere a long life in a world where much is quite uncertain, it cannot be ignored.

As Prince Philip is given the kind of no-fuss send-off that he desired, much as we the people would want to thank him, I find the most profound Christian message of the resurrection in the notice posted by the Archbishop of Canterbury, “May His Royal Highness rest in peace and rise in glory.” Amen. [Archbishop of Canterbury: On the death of HRH The Duke of Edinburgh]

Of the plans and the times

Signposts of the Passion

Two Easter weekends ago, I had arrived in South Africa, met up with Brian in Johannesburg, and we both travelled to Cape Town where we spent 12 days, the blossoming of a new relationship and probably one of the most exciting times in my life. It was an opportunity to get to know each other better, after the sudden opportunity to meet in Johannesburg in late February 2019.

The Easter meeting had been planned from mid-January, I just knew I wanted to see him again and find out if there was a prospect of something between us. After that April meeting, the plans to meet over the summer were thwarted that it was not until September and then December that we met again.

By then, I was sure I was ready for a lifelong relationship with all the formalities that would establish us as a couple and married. My projection was for last year’s Easter, but the pandemic had taken hold, I was out of work and we were in lockdown. Every prospect of meeting up just looked ever so distant, opportunities quickly fizzling out as our host country was not accepting guests and England ended up in a second lockdown.

The plan waits for its time

Surely, when we next meet, I thought again, we could get it done, tie the knot and finalise the formalities. That is what I thought we would do when we met up in December after 11 months apart, but things did not go our way. Bureaucracy, officialdom, and an absence of waivers even in the midst of a pandemic meant we had to schedule it for another time. However, we now knew what to do.

I cannot say we would have been able to consider it this Easter weekend, much as I would have loved to get or steal away. There is an international travel ban from England and our countries are in various forms of lockdown that militates against our plans. We are hopeful and looking forward, and even if our apparently well-laid plans have been tossed by circumstances beyond our control, I have the feeling that by the next Easter weekend, we would be telling a different and amazing story. 

334 days of heartache

Time took longer to endure

Never could we have anticipated that when we said our goodbyes in Johannesburg in January, it would be another 334 days before we saw each other again to say hello and kiss again. We were still in the infancy of our relationship building up our commitments with the determination that we were going to get married soon.

It is quite likely we could have made that decision earlier, we knew our hearts and minds about what we were looking for and what we wanted, but in the normalcy of those times, we were giving ourselves all the opportunities and allowances to steadily make that move without having too many misgivings from our friends about the speed at which we were going at a lifelong commitment.

For a while, I heard repeated statement of Isabelle Allende to the question she was asked, “How do you fall in love at 76?”, her answer was, “Like 26, but with a little more urgency.” I am aware of the life-threatening condition I had over 11 years ago, I am grateful for the quality and goodness of my health today, yet, I cannot live like I have all the time in the world.

We are getting married

I have now, the moments, the opportunities that arise, and the options that present. I fell in love and I have pursued it with vigour and conscientiousness. I am more than fortunate that my partner feels the same way too. Back in July, I was proposed to and it is our hope that despite the situation with the pandemic, we indeed can tie the knot.

If we have learnt anything, every moment counts, what we do whilst we are together matters, it should be purposeful, fulfilling, and rewarding. Long-distance relationships are hard at the best of times. I hope we never have to wait for an extended period of time to see each other again. Meanwhile, every one of the 35 days we will spend together will be a celebration of love, happiness, smiles, and life. I have been gifted the joy of companionship; we will not let it slip listless away. Thank you, Brian, for being the one, I am so blessed to have you in my life and by my side.

Always and Forever

Just the warmth in my heart

My heart bubbles with expectation and the warmth of love indescribable that I feel from the most special person in my life. The many times I have fallen in and out of love, cannot compare to what has come to represent what we have and want for each other.

The separation of distance and time with its difficulties and strains have only made it too obvious to us that this thing called love that we have expressed towards each other is real, is true, is pure and is to be made even more perfect in a union of hearts, minds, and lives.

We can begin to plan ahead; the horizons are visible, and dates are coming into view with something to look forward to and the quality time we have promised to spend with each other to make the best of every single moment we spend together. As I yearn for your warm embrace and long for the warmth of your touch, know that I will forever love you, always and forever, my Brian With An I.

Cherishing love and the person who gives it

Love is the reason

I know in my heart of hearts that if I did not have the love of Brian and despite the difficulties presented by the distance between us and the restrictions by reason of how the pandemic has ravaged my country through government ineptitude, I would have lost mental competence.

This is what keeps me going, hopeful, and expectant. We talk, supporting and encouraging each other. I have many close friends, but there is something more that comes from someone you love. That something in love, in concern, in comforting words, the sound of his voice, the sight of his radiant smiles, makes a whole lot of difference.

Love is the purpose

We live in the hope that soon this whole situation will blow over, or considerations will be better calibrated for those who have had to put many critically important things in relationship on hold, out of necessity.

We could never have anticipated that when we kissed goodbye in Johannesburg in mid-January we would not have met again for at least three between then and now. Maybe by Christmas, we’ll be together again. I cherish the love I have, the man I share it with and the beauty of knowing that it all makes sense with him in the picture, in my thoughts and in my life. Thank you!

A real engagement to celebrate

Put a ring on it

It is not the easiest thing to be 6 months apart from the one you love, it takes a great emotional toll, yet you continue in the assurance, the understanding and the hope that the separation would soon be over.

Daily we talk, we constantly communicate on the trivial things and the serious thing, reaffirming our commitment and dedication to each other, the prospects ahead gaining more purpose for us to execute in due time.

We have also agreed that our relationship has advanced to the next stage, I have been asked to be a fiancé. As we are not together, this is virtual and there has been no exchange of rings. Not that I like rings, I would prefer an open bracelet or bangle. We will see.

This crowns an exciting week of birthday greetings, the overwhelming social media support for us, we would be meeting in South Africa to conclude this, and that is it for now.

Blog - Her wife and his husband in South Africa

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Birthday Renewal Invitation Anniversary Nativity - VII

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Every day we work at it

It wasn’t as I had hoped and planned, to spend this special day with an extraordinary man from afar; who has been the main participant in the most exhilarating time I have had in my life for the past 18 months.

A long-distance relationship with all its strains, constraints, and inconveniences that we have worked through with communication, encouragement and hope, leads us on to the expectation of greater and more wonderful things to come.

From my heart, I pray so fervently for the fulfilment of dreams well beyond anything we could have ever imagined, as we are astounded and astonished by goodness, mercies and favours from near and afar that heaps blessing upon blessing on his life.

Happy Birthday, Brian

To this man whose smile lights my world and sets my heart on fire with unquenchable love, I wish the happiest of birthdays and this the beginning of better, more beautiful ones to come.

I have never loved anyone like I have loved this man Brian and I look to the day when there will be no distance between us, when the sun shall not set on any time apart, when we seal it with more than a kiss to live happily together, free to explore the whole world as our oyster.

Dear Brian, much as I hoped that we would spend this day celebrating together, I am no less thrilled for you and about you, you mean the world to me and when all is said and done, I know I have been loved so deeply beyond words or deeds can fully express, many happy returns of the day, my dear, my man, my love.

Happy birthday!!!

The 7 days of falling in love

Blog - BeausResiding in Accommodating Nirvana - VI

Blog - BeautifulRomantic Intimacy Attractive Nascent - V

Blog - BrianReally Is Adorably Nice - IV

Blog - BashfulReticent Introverted Amusing Naughty - III

Blog - BeginningReaction Indication Affinity Notable - II

Blog - BeliefReview Interest Anticipation New - I

Brian, you're the best, the very best, have a wonderful day, I am so in love with you, darling.
❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤎💜💙💚💛🧡❤
💖

Thought Picnic: My life really does include my partner

Coming out without fear

I find myself returning to the theme of living your own truth in terms of the things you choose to do in your life and your relationships. I have many times celebrated the coming out of people whilst also touching on other broader topics of discussion on sexuality and expression, as the references show.

Blog - Opinion: Now, a thought for Kenny Badmus' wife

Blog - Opinion: Regardless of our sexuality, our past and future is our whole story

Blog - Opinion: Tom Daley and the pursuit of happiness

Blog - Opinion: When William Haines decided against a sham marriage

The most recent coming out event was by Philip Schofield about whom I have written an extensive but unpublished blog, because the fire of my inspiration was first snuffed out and then, the season for its revelation passed. A few days ago, I could have completed the blog, but the whole exercise felt mechanical than inspired. It might yet be published because there are issues, I discuss at length in it, I have persuaded myself it would have a longer than usual incubation.

Gospels in sound and vision

Having retrieved my audio Bible collection from some old hard disks at the beginning of the week and uploaded them to the cloud, as I was seeking something to watch on my Amazon Fire TV Stick, I happened upon the dramatized Gospel of John which I watched on Amazon Prime, but it is available on YouTube too. [The Gospel of John – YouTube]

As it transpired, I then watched The Gospel of Matthew and a not particularly dramatic The Gospel of Mark on YouTube. Next was the complete reading without an interval of The Gospel of Mark at the St Paul’s Cathedral by Peter Suchet of Agatha Christie’s Poirot fame, his opening remarks before his reading got me. [The Gospel According to Mark read by David Suchet - YouTube]

My life includes my partner

He was dedicating his reading for which he was receiving no remuneration to a friend who had recently passed on, Alec McCowen who died at 91 a few months before. As I am wont to do, I immediately conducted a search to appreciate this new piece of information. I did not know the actor who appeared to have a large body of work, and was well respected in the acting community that he was honoured with a memorial service at St. Paul's Church in Covent Garden (known as "the actors' church"). This according to the Wikipedia entry to his name.

The part to living your own truth that appealed to me out of Alec McCowen’s biography was that he had a partner Geoffrey Burridge who he lost to complications due to AIDS in 1987. In 1989, he was surprised with an appearance on This Is Your Life with the consideration that he had refused to be featured on the show if his partner of many years was not acknowledged. The dissatisfaction was assuaged with voice-over in the closing titles making the relationship known.

Living your truth regardless

I can say coming out in the UK in the 1980s was sensational news, acknowledging a sexuality outside the heteronormative construct could very well end careers, though there were many personalities who were ready to walk that difficult road when others stayed in the closet or contracted lavender marriages. To acknowledge your partner died of AIDS at a time when effective treatments were still being trialled but not definitely known to be as efficacious probably opened you to unmitigated stigma and discrimination.

Alec McCowen was not going to let the memory of his partner die away just because he was being given a public platform on national television to showcase his life and his achievements. This is where he earns my utmost respect, even though I am only finding out about him 3 years after his death.

My life really includes my partner

In my view, the people we share life with must always have a say in things that pertain to us, in our presence, in our absence, and in our passing. My relationship with Brian Jenkins is developing, he is my boyfriend, my partner, my companion, and my lover. My planning, thinking, and decisions are done with consideration to consulting him, understanding how it affects him and obviously how it affects us.

We have been going out together for over a year and we hope to progress this to a formal partnership at the right time. When in South Africa, he is my next of kin and as he gets introduced to my wider family, friends and acquaintances, his prominence in my life and my affairs should be without dispute along with his primacy and involvement in matters that concern me.

I would expect as a consequence that my achievements along with my love life are fully acknowledged without hesitation, because that would be the heart of the matter or it has no heart at all and it isn’t my story being told.

Like Alec McCowen, I hope for a good innings and if I do end up with a Wikipedia page, the option for Partner: must be filled in, and it is Brian Jenkins. Thank you, Brian, for making me a very happy guy.

My good conscience is my guide on my spirituality and sexuality

In church for service

The last church service I attended was two Sundays ago at The Cathedral Church of St George the Martyr (St George’s Cathedral) in Cape Town, just a 10-minute brisk walk from our hotel.

My partner and I were out the night before, but as it was our last weekend together, we were determined to attend church that morning. I got up first and to get Brian out of bed I had to sprinkle water on his face, I eventually succeeded.

We left our hotel dressed in matching jackets and just missed the processional hymn. We settled in our seats and joined the sung eucharist of the 1^st Sunday after Epiphany.

Sharing our spirituality

Brian is the first partner I have had with whom I have been able to freely express my spirituality and this in the Church of England, the history of its inception is somewhat irrelevant to the scheme of things, because whilst the church appears to attempt to conform to conservative values, it has to exist in contemporary times and there is much adaptation going on, despite the public pronouncements.

We chose St. George’s Cathedral because it has a history of tolerance, acceptance, and the subversive, especially during the Apartheid era. One of the stained-glass windows has a depiction of the Garden of Eden with a black Adam, from the mid-1960s.

A traditional welcome

It is the seat of the Archbishop of Cape Town who is also the Primate of the Anglican Church of South Africa occupied once by the Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu from 1986 to 1996. He has always been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community and the church in its outreach beyond the tenure of this world-renowned and well-respected archbishop continues to invite all people to fellowship and take communion in the congregation of the blessed.

It is interesting that my home church in Manchester does not appear to be as traditional as the one in Cape Town, canticles, incense and Latin feature a lot in the service. There are times when I almost feel lost in what is going on. In Cape Town, the clergy conducts most of the service in English, but the readings will be done in isiXhosa and Afrikaans along with the Eucharistic and Communion prayers.

Bearing gifts to all

It makes for an inclusive and representative church and it is impossible that we have not been noticed since we began attending the church since Easter 2019. That last Sunday, as the offering was being taken, we were approached by the ushers to help take the communion bread and wine to the altar.

Confused as we were, we were well instructed and walked the full length of the church down the aisle just behind the incense bearer to the altar where we presented the gifts, bowed to the clergy and then stood aside for the gifts to be blessed before we walked back to our seats.

The surprise, the amazement, the suddenness of being randomly chosen to serve in the church, only for a moment meant so much to us. Whilst not reading a vindication of our relationship to it, at the very least, when Brian and I get married, we would indeed seek to be blessed at the St George’s Cathedral.

On the matter of who we are

On the issue of the pastoral guidance [PDF] issued by the Anglican Church regarding abstinence from sex in gay or straight civil partnerships, it is a matter of conscience for me. That they have adopted the directive that sex outside marriage “falls short of God’s purpose for human beings” is understandable as it helps avoid the straining schism in the church between traditionalists and modernists, I do not intend for it to be dogma, instruction or commandment. [The Guardian]

I am as a human being and sexual being, I find expression for it in the relationship that best helps me thrive as a human being. I am a gay man, I am in love with another man, our relationship is predicated on more than just sex, it is a matter of the heart, of the soul and of the body, the moments shared, the love we have for each other that is not available to another, just between us. I do not also intend to return to an early time in my life where who I was consumed me with guilt and self-loathing, for what I could neither change nor deny.

In my good conscience

Maybe some people are called to abstinence and others to celibacy, it is a gift for which not everyone is equipped to observe without fallibility. The pastoral guidance seeks to impose the impossible about human expression and humanity in the fulfilment of a loving relationship, something everyone who is of age should be able to enjoy with impediment when in a committed relationship.

I will neither deny my sexuality nor my spirituality, both are a complete declaration of who I am, what I am, how I exist and where I belong. Jesus Christ went to the cross for all, not for the few. If I in my good conscience before God and man is not convicted of wrong in the person that I am, I approach the altar with humility and service, partake in the Communion and fulfil the calling on my life.

In that, I am satisfied, it is guidance rather than diktat. We live at peace with each other and get called suddenly to serve in the body of Christ. Shalom!

Thought Picnic: The expanding capacity of relationships

London inspires

Looking out this morning at an amazing view of London from the sixth floor of an apartment presented a panoramic view from the Tower Bridge to Vauxhall which took in iconic features of London as the Gherkin, St. Paul’s Cathedral, Tate Modern and the London Eye.

The beauty of London from a height cannot be denied, to wake up to that view daily can be a source of inspiration quite different from living London on the ground level. That is not to talk of how London is lit up at night from the Shard to other tall and significant buildings.

Relationship hooks

Yet the subtle and unspoken message is in relationships that bring with them new experiences and knowledge that become part of us by communication, interaction and fellowship.

For instance, the view I appreciated this morning came as a result of a relationship, that it is a residence of my host might leave this fact uncherished and somewhat made light of.

Then I look back at my love for history, for architecture, for travel and for adventure and realise my various relationships brought with them opportunities that expanded my horizons to new revelatory things about my partner first and then about other perspectives I would never have seen if I were not in that relationship.

Strive for profitable companionship

This is why it becomes needful to seek companionships and relationships that stretch us, taking us out of our preconceptions, prejudices and comfort zones to view and inculcate the different, the diverse and the other.

If I were to go out on a limb, I will say relationships extend our capacity, whether those relationships are good or bad, what matters is the lessons we learn from information and knowledge that comes with those interactions.

When we look back at our relationships with that in mind, it is very possible that we will learn to cherish each and every one of them better and if we are to explore opportunities for new relationships we will have the mindset of always taking the positives regardless of the uncomfortable negatives.

Opinion: Watching the tombstones of integrity long dead

A great disappointment

A simple definition of integrity as offered by Google is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

Where we find leadership wanting in honesty, trustworthiness and truth, we lose our confidence in the people to the point that their leadership becomes untenable.

A damaged relationship

In a democracy, those who lead have responsibilities that derive from the consent of their electors, there is trust reposed in the elected to act in the best interest of all with fairness, truth, justice and principle.

We damage this dynamic irreparably if in the face of manifest wrongdoing, those we expect to know different acquiesce, condone, tolerate and excuse the reprehensible without shame or embarrassment.

An embarrassment of atrocities

A leadership unable to react with contrition and take reparative steps out of embarrassing actions of their cohort have taken licence to act with impunity.

They have become wayward, lascivious and debauched, reprobates beyond redemption whose end like history told many times before is utter destruction because the instruments of accountability that could have checked their excesses is too compromised to moderate anything they do.

What gives?

This is the story of many lands to which we owe allegiance, and if we are to rid ourselves of the unconscionable grip of the kakistocracy that holds sway like a swarm of locusts over our fields of grain, we must give voice to the need for truth, probity and justice.

Many events we have read in the news recently point to the moral bankruptcy of those we trust; we can only wonder what to do to rescue this atrocious set of circumstances.

We have to think about what this means for us as country, as a people and for the future.

Thought Picnic: Free Your Mind

Opening the mind

It goes without saying with each interaction and posting I see on Social Media it is interesting to read views, opinions, entrenchments and prejudices along with the less bigoted, tolerant, open-minded and pragmatic accommodating stances of others.

I am more attracted to the accommodating types, people who despite who they are, are willing to understand and appreciate that there are others very different, very diverse, very separate, very distant from themselves, but still have a right to not only exist, but should be allowed the pursuit of happiness like any other.

Feeding our ability to sympathise

Our shared humanity when allowed to walk free beyond the little confines of our own experiences opens us up to realities we may never fully understand but still can embrace.

This is what feeds our ability to sympathise, probably empathise or even dare to be compassionate, when we extricate ourselves from the moralistic impositions that give us the licence for unfeeling indifference, judgemental apathy, disinterest, and incitement to hate.

We all are guilty of it one way or the other when we think little of others in comparison to ourselves or the people we hold in high esteem that we are ready to sacrifice them on any altar be it of religion, of belief, of creed, of custom, of tradition, of principle or of the law without any inkling or sense of tender-heartedness or mercy - we find basis and justification for where we stand and with that feel comfortable.

Free your mind

We have the capacity for more if we allow ourselves the frequent opportunities to extend ourselves.

It brings to mind the lines in the lyrics of Free Your Mind by En Vogue which go thus:

Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don't be so shallow.

Freeing one’s mind is a journey in our recognition of the global village of great diversity we reside in, a world of over 7 billion people of whom we would find relationships of love and hate, friendship and enmity, fun and boredom, joy and sadness, acceptance and rejection with the challenge to treat others as we would love to be treated.

If we were to walk a mile in another man’s shoes, would we think differently about them and accept them in the brotherhood of our existence?

The beauty of blindness

Be colour blind, be gender blind, be sexuality blind, be religiously blind, be personality blind, be status blind, be blind to every difference that you don’t yet fully understand but exists around you by situation and by circumstance but still harbour a searching, curious, yearning spirit to find unity, affinity, amity and the best of the next and the next and the next until a bridge of humanity is built towards our togetherness and harmony. Free your mind.

"Free Your Mind"

Prejudice, wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

I wear tight clothing, high heeled shoes
It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute, no no
I like rap music, wear hip hop clothes
That doesn't mean that I'm out sellin' dope no no
Oh my forgive me for having straight hair, no
It doesn't mean there's another blood in my heir yeah yeah
I might date another race or color
It doesn't mean I don't like my strong black brothers.

Why oh why must it be this way
Before you can read me you gotta learn how to see me, I said
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don't be so shallow.
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don't be so shallow

So I'm a sistah
Buy things with cash
That really doesn't mean that all my credit's bad, oooh
So why dispute me and waste my time
Because you really think the price is high for me
I can't look without being watched, and oh
You rang my buy before I made up my mind, OW!
Oh now attitude, why even bother
I can't change your mind, you can't change my color

Why oh why must it be this way?
Before you can read me you gotta learn how to see me, I said
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don't be so shallow…

Why oh why must it be this way?
Before you can read me you gotta learn how to see me, I said
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don't be so shallow... FREE YOUR MIND!

Denzil Foster, Thomas McElroy