Thursday 9 July 2020

Every piss artist should have a piss

A living thing in alcoholic excess

I remember when in my biology class, we had to coin a mnemonic for the characteristics of living things and we were given Movement Respiration Nutrition Irritability Growth Excretion and Reproduction (MR NIGER), Death was added to suggest that livings things do not have immortality, but that is pedantry.
However, a living thing of the genre man suggesting Growth had occurred from the time he had been the result of Reproduction decided on the quantitative Nutrition of 10 bottles beer and by consequence suffered multiple aspects of Irritability leaving him inebriated to consequent somnolence from which he arose to present himself by Movement to a hospital where he was informed his abandonment of essential Excretion by urination, for perspiration, would not suffice, his bladder had burst with graphic distension for which it was possible the sudden realisation by an involuntary gasp in the reflex of Respiration might result in Death.
I spare my drink
I would probably pass for a teetotaller at most times for I have no taste for most alcohol and the wines or port that take my fancy fit into an irregular and infrequent consumption pattern. I, however, know when I am feeling tipsy or drowsy for it would never get to staggering drunkenness and I am on my way home.
My bladder for which I have assumed much control after a childhood into adolescence of bedwetting holds fluids under strains of manly pressure and duress, but I have indeed wet my pants on occasion, though not to the public shame of it. When it is ready to go, endurance will not be my last resort.
Plugging the channel
One can only assume if our man in China was holding off for a bet that the new alcohol in the older bladder parchment that it was torn in three places that a spaghetti confluence of intestines with the bladder met in the confines of the abdominal cavity. Then the following story might just be linked to the first, as in Cambodia, a leech had crept up the penile urethra to lodge in the body and feed on a pint of blood, that it presented a difficulty in its removal.
Bringing this thinking round to China, you wonder if a leech had during his sleep found shelter, you know where and grown in size to become a stopper preventing the man from urinating and causing the anatomical mishap that led him to the hospital. By which time, the hitchhiking leech had dropped off and the tale is one to induce muffled laughter before pity seeks to intervene.

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