Pain consumes you
Pain is a feeling
that goes deep into your core that could be such a distraction from everything
else keeping you in the discomfort that seeks to become the normal of your
current existence.
Pain is the moment,
it has no past or future, it is now, calling out to every nerve that has any
element of response, you cannot be unaware of it being there, a dominating
sadistic force of otherworldly provenance.
I once knew what pain
was, the pain of cancer and yet in knowing that I am always reticent to
associate my experience with that of anyone else, because we all feel pain so
differently, it is individual and unique, it is personal for which the
prescription, if it can be eased, is particular to that situation.
Pain refusing to go
I was on morphine but
after two nights I could no longer tolerate it, I was overcome with emesis they
had to try something else. Then, it was oxycontin which worked for a few hours
and late at night, I would call the nurse for another pill because the pain was
interfering with my sleep.
Before I left
hospital, I was given a Fentanyl patch, which was supposed to last a week affixed
to my skin, but the pain still seemed to announce itself in my consciousness
and this was apart from the three other types of pain medication I was on
addressing neuralgia, headaches, inflammation, and fevers.
When I told my
oncologist, I was still feeling some pain, he doubled the dose of the Fentanyl patch
having first thought the original dosage should have dealt with the pain. I did
have a high pain threshold, but if you had fungating tumours in the sole of your
foot it was just on another level. Then as the tumour dissipated and necrotised
skin came off with fresh skin replacing the once blackened flesh, the pain from cancer remained for months afterwards.
What becomes of the
pain afflicted?
At the full healing
of my sole, the pain subsided but I had to wean myself off the patch by halving
it and leaving it on for longer, a process that took another 3 months. It was a
revelation of how opioid pain relief can become addictive.
Just over a week ago,
on my Twitter timeline, a physician undergoing chemotherapy for aggressive
cancer wrote of the pain she was feeling. I could relate, yet I could not find
the form of words to offer comfort, I just knew that somewhere you needed some
alleviation and hopefully without the incapacitation that you cannot function
at all.
Pain can be arresting,
what becomes those for whom nothing can ease their pain? It is of them that I
hope beyond hope that relief comes that they might find comfort, peace, and
rest. In my case, the consultant also had some confidence that we could see the
end of it if I responded well to the treatment and that is how I find myself
writing about it 12 years after.
Pain in my blogs
Blog - In
hospital to kill the pain
Blog - Getting off
the pain train
Blog - Generally
responsive and dealing with pain
Blog - Stronger
medicine and another course of chemo
Blog - Boldly
tell your doctor everything
Blog - Off and
back on the pain patch
Blog - Opinion:
Where addiction and tragedy can confuse issues
