Opinion: Now, a thought for Kenny Badmus' wife

On the one hand, praise

A couple of days ago, I celebrated the coming out of Kenny Badmus on both the matter of his sexuality and HIV status with the hope that his decision will give strength and encouragement to the many who suffer under the societal strictures of conformity and despair.

However, it was impossible for the matter to just end there, because there was one key guiding principle that I had to revisit after a bit of reflection and discussion, one of people who are hurt by the actions we take when we are faced with other difficult options we refuse to choose.

Kenny Badmus said he learnt this from his father: "Die for your own truth, even if it's unpopular, but don't harm others with it.” Indeed, I believe there is a very strong influence of this in his decision to accept who he is, but that lesson has come long after the damage has been done.

On the other hand, however

One cannot ignore the fact Kenny Badmus’ wife currently in the middle of an acrimonious marriage split is painted in a very bad light, even if she was culpable and responsible for the situation, according to Kenny Badmus’ side of the story, for continuing the relationship and contracting a marriage with the view of 'sexing' him into full heterosexuality.

What I did not read from his mea culpa was a clear sense of the personal responsibility he had knowing his sexuality, his condition and the fact that many might get hurt by his actions.

He in my view was a free moral agent, he had the choice not to woo the lady and end up proposing to her before it culminated in a marriage that lasted six years.

Think about her situation

One can only imagine the complexities and turmoil the lady would have faced when Kenny decided to begin a relationship and then she in turn became emotionally invested in that relationship and she was ready to give all and dare all in the hope that it would succeed.

Besides, one cannot begin to understand the whispering campaign that might have gone on behind her back within the Nigerian society, if at any time it was ever suggested that she was at fault for not being able to meet the full spectrum of the sexual needs of her partner.

I am coming very fast to the conclusion that the lady deserved better and a lot more from Kenny Badmus, that she is lashing out furiously in court seeking the full visitation of the anti-gay law on Kenny Badmus simply makes clear the utter sense of betrayal she feels about whatever intentions he had for her in the first instance and how he went through it all as if he had no will or say in the matter.

She, however, as Kenny Badmus gets on with his new life of renewed celebrity and acceptance, will have an uphill task of removing herself from the category of ‘damaged goods’ in a society where once-married and then this intrigue of sexuality and HIV status will always come to play, if she were to start a new relationship.

The harm done

Sadly, her trust in men will also be undermined, to what extent, one can never say. It might well be best to extricate herself from that society and community to build her life again in another country.

Kenny Badmus took his time to fulfil what he called societal pressures in getting married and in doing so, he did not really die for his own truth at that time. He took the popular choice of a society wedding and people have been harmed. Starting with his wife, then if there is any offspring, they are probably confused, his in-laws are probably scandalised, his family are probably embarrassed, friends who would have preferred discretion in association with him, his business, business associates, all have been harmed to some extent, from minimally to quite seriously.

Take some responsibility, man

Apart from the good of coming out, Kenny Badmus is no saint, not by a long hard mile, one must feel the most for his wife, she was never going to be able to compete for Kenny Badmus’ sexual satisfaction and I blame the fact that we have too conservative an understanding of sexuality and its expression in Nigeria. Sexuality is not just sex, it is a whole person, sex being part of the expression of sexuality.

Yet, there are many who have gone the Kenny Badmus way, their wives none the wiser that their men are on the down-low, many are going to get hurt eventually either in the secrecy that brings the unpalatable back to the matrimonial home or in the publicity that might end up destroying everyone involved.

We can make very hard choices and in the process save people from being harmed, I will submit that Kenny Badmus did not make that choice when he should have in the first place. He should share a larger part of the responsibility for the way things have turned out.

“Die for your own truth, even if it's unpopular, but don't harm others with it.”

Thought Picnic: It's not the end of my world

Yes, it happens to us all

I have had my share of adversity, disappointment, tribulation, worry and despondency, those experiences have become part of my life.

Some of these events just happened to me, others as a result of injustices I have never been able to right and I must not forget the things I have brought upon myself through my daring or my plain foolishness.

I have my weaknesses and where I have not been able to compensate for them, I have borne the burden in a sense of dignity and acceptance, refusing to condemn myself in the many things that I have allowed.

Be human, then exceed it

That I have felt shocked, hurt, belittled, beaten, disrespected, shamed or even disgraced is beside the point, I have allowed just enough time to expend the emotion necessary to reaffirm the fact that I am human and then found ways to reflect, recoup, readjust and rejuvenate myself.

I am thankful that perspective comes quickly before the nasty takes root. Much as I cannot suddenly switch off from the fact that my pride has been battered and my ego bruised, I can begin to climb out of the well of despair and chart my course away from that rotten milestone.

Start off again

Looking for something positively enlivening to do, I flush out of my memory for the moment, that thing that apparently brought me down and leap ahead.

The opportunity once lost can be regained, after a temporary setback; the stress creating issue needn’t be stressful if I decide to extricate myself from the situation; the loss I suffered is just the loss of things, things can be replaced; plans can be rethought, ideas can be reviewed, life can be refreshed – there is happiness out there waiting to be worn with the fun, the glee and the gaiety of childhood expressed on a sunny day in wonderland playground.

It is at that point that I realise two important things about life’s many disappointments and harbingers of sadness that first, it is not the end of the world and then, it is not the end of my world.

Kenny Badmus: Thank you for coming out wonderfully

Coming out in Nigeria

Probably, not since Bisi Alimi came out on New Dawn with Funmi Iyanda in 2004 has there been a news story just about as explosive and interesting as Kenny Badmus’ coming out both as gay and HIV-positive. [Pulse.NG]

As usual, one look at the comments that post-fix each news publication of this story, and most especially the one on Linda Ikeji’s Blog, the vitriol out-numbers the support by more than 10-to-1.

However, let us address the fundamental issues in Kenny Badmus’ revealing piece, lest we lose the gravity of the substance from the sensationalism giving room for holier-than-thou sententiousness.

Previously, Kenny Badmus had revealed on World AIDS Day 2014 that he had been living with HIV for 15 years, the results of his tests should suggest clearly to many that being HIV-positive is not necessarily a death sentence, you can live well, be successful and thrive. Some of the comments I read on Linda Ikeji’s Blog were quite uncharacteristically supportive, I did not want to spoil it looking for the vitriolic ones. [Linda Ikeji’s Blog]

The pressure to marry

Kenny Badmus admits he was under societal pressure to fulfil the needs of typical Nigerian society to be married, yet, before marriage he told his prospective wife that he was homosexual and even told ministers in pre-marriage counselling to help dissuade from her quest for marriage to no avail.

The fact is, both young men and women are under pressure to tie the knot after a certain age and then they are supposed to begin to procreate, which in itself to many is proof that the marriage is working – in many cases, nothing can be further from the truth.

Even for a very religious and moralistic society, Nigeria has like many other places in the world a diversity of sexuality and sexual expression, and regardless of religious beliefs and we all do not believe to the same level, from atheist through agnostic and apostate, to relapsed, to committed, and to extremely fanatical, we fill the broad spectrum of beliefs in any religion.

Some will find some accommodation for heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, marriage, polygamy, celibacy, abstinence, adultery, fornication, lasciviousness, sadomasochism, or any kind of sexual expression – we are essentially sexual beings, at the very basic level.

You can’t ‘sex’ out sexuality

Despite the glaring truth, the unfortunate liaison was contracted because probably Kenny Badmus did not fight hard enough to stop it and also probably because his wife to be believed that she should make him straight, at least, she thought his homosexual predilections were simply a childhood disorder. I could almost laugh, but many do believe homosexuality is just a phase, a temporary outlet in the absence of opposite sex partners, some think it is an abomination.

Kenny Badmus alludes to another interesting fact, the tendency for women or men to think they can change their partners, literally ‘sex’ the other sexuality out of them. There is too much scientific fact out there as better understanding of human physiology and psychology in the last century has revealed that sexuality is a wiring of nature and hardly an adoption of nurture, in most cases.

That is not to say some people are not curious about the other sexuality, but to subscribe to the idea that all are curious, living a lifestyle rather than a life is as myopic as anyone can get. This notion is however, promoted by many religious leaders leading to the atrocious persecution of many who are already living a very difficult and secret life of guilt, pain and despair.

The pressure to conform

The consequence of this societal stance is no doubt why many homosexuals in Nigeria and some other unfriendly culture are living on the down-low; they have very public marriages, consummated with issue and yet find the greater sexual satisfaction in the arms of others of the same sex.

Laws and sanctions are not going to change the nature of man, the matter will be driven underground and become even more insidious. A society cannot forever ignore what it is composed of, that is, it will always be a representation of the broad spectrum of humanity, whether accepted or not.

After six years of marriage, the wife having failed in her silly quest to convert her husband into a single-minded heterosexual, divorce proceedings were instituted where the wife has allegedly perjured herself suggesting she had no knowledge of her husband’s sexuality before the marriage.

You cannot compete for sexuality

She probably is in for a bigger shock, because her vendetta exposes her to unintended consequences in seeking that her now to be ex-husband to be visited with the full force of that odious Nigerian anti-gay law. Kenny Badmus’ status carried some risk, though with an undetectable viral load, this might well have been minimal. She really should move on from this episode in her life than ruin it altogether with the fury of a woman scorned. [NAM AIDSMap]

The competition in the sexuality stakes is just too high, it is one thing for a woman to compete against another woman for a man’s sexual affections, it is a completely different thing for a woman to compete against another man for a man with sexual affections for men too, it works the other way too and it is a battle lost long before it has even started.

Live the truth of your life

A number of things can be learnt from Kenny Badmus’ story and I hope it helps many young Nigerian men and women struggling with their sexuality and being forced by societal pressures to contract marriages they do not have their hearts in.

First, is what Kenny Badmus learnt from his own father, “Die for your own truth, even if it's unpopular, but don't harm others with it.” More pertinently, I will say, live, live for your own truth, whatever the cost.

I hear of many desperate young Nigerians at the point of committing suicide just because of struggles with their sexuality, it ought not be so and I hope Kenny Badmus’ story offers some hope, stormy as the consequences have become, that storm will blow away for the calm.

Live a full life

The pressure to marry will always be great but you are never going to ‘sex’ away your sexuality, if a marriage is entered into with this lingering issue, the blow-back can be unexpectedly nasty. Kenny Badmus had to face the public spectacle and the shame apart from having to reinvent himself as his business contacts fell away after the revelations.

Being HIV-positive is NOT a death sentence, get tested and get on medication that can keep you healthy such that you can literally live a full life; do not suffer in silence.

More importantly, find an understanding support group that can help you through the hardest times, the coming out of Kenny Badmus strengthens him positively, he cannot now be blackmailed for his sexuality, he is free to be who he is, because he has fully accepted who he is.

Accept yourself and live life well

We all have that life’s journey, the journey of acceptance, from the denial of who we are, hoping we were something else, the depression that accompanies the incapacity to change what we have no control over, the anger of things past and present seeding in resentment and bitterness, eating away our innards, the bargaining that comes with rash vows we cannot keep, but the release that comes with acceptance of our humanity, our weaknesses and sexuality is the beginning of a new life. [Kubler-Ross model on the stages of grief.]

And like Kenny Badmus, we can begin to be really proud of who we really are, whatever that might be. We are all, if you allow it, God’s own children, gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, transsexual and inter-sexual, we are born of fellow human beings and surely this should not be the determinant of character or how we are allowed to thrive in this wonderful world.

Thank you, Kenny Badmus, for coming out and coming out wonderfully.

Happy Birthday, Kola

I sent him a birthday card, but it was not big enough to write all I had to say, besides, my writing after so many decades of tapping away at keyboards is literally illegible, so I have decided to put my birthday greeting on a blog.

Happy Birthday, Kola

My very best friend is quiet, unassuming and keeps in the shadows, yet he is probably one of the most influential men in my life.

Our communication is sometimes unspoken but very effective, we understand each other too well; it is quite funny.

Steadfast and sure through the good times and the bad times, he can read my heart and my mind in my writing, much as I can call him about anything that just bothers me, from the trivial to the serious.

He sees through me like no one I know can, he honours me much beyond what I deserve and he loves me unconditionally.

You should hear some of our conversations on the phone, we can so disagree with each on issues and opinions and still laugh it all off in the end, it is a bond that has stood the test of time.

It is just three weeks between our birthdays, no, he does not like talking about his age, but this is a landmark year that I have to acknowledge, whether he likes it or not.

A man who despite adversity early in life has one of the deepest wells of knowledge, has lived on four continents, experienced cultures so diverse, he is veritably a world citizen.

His quiet disposition should not be mistaken for powerlessness, his wealth of wisdom and consuming compassion is one that endears him to many in places high and low. He is just an all-round wonderful chap.

On this landmark birthday, I wish him the very best; love, wonder and adventure beyond his wildest dreams, the fulfilment of desire well above anything he has ever anticipated or planned for and blessings that overwhelm him with complete speechlessness.

Happy Birthday, Kola, many happy returns, never forget the pursuit of happiness and never lose your sense of youth and adventure. Thank you very much for being my friend.

#JeSuisCharlie: Time to go after the extremists completely

No excuses

It was with utter shock at lunchtime that I saw the news on the canteen television set that 12 people had been murdered on the premises of the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris.

Nothing in my view could excuse the blood-letting carnage meted out by murderous brigands in the name of some belief system or religion.

Satire is a wonderful tool and sophisticated medium of expression to carry interesting, difficult, complex or controversial thought to a reading or listening public, it is to make people think and reflect, never is it to inspire barbarity and atrocious behaviour leading to murder.

Undermining their cause

The three cowardly and masked criminals who shot up the place and left as they were heard shouting "we have avenged the Prophet Muhammad" and "God is Great" in Arabic ("Allahu Akbar"), have done a great damage to any cause they portend to represent.

To suggest they were avenging the prophet is to promote the view that beyond the mystique, the mystery and sometimes the myth, the so-called prophet is weak, powerless, fitful and ineffectual. This can never be the case if the teachings of the prophet have thrived for over 14 centuries.

God is no doubt great, but this is not how to project the greatness of God, by spilling blood on the streets in the quest for their own personal sense of justice.

Lawless brigands

It makes you wonder, who appointed these butchering criminals judge and jury to run riot with weapons taking any life they see fit because they were seemingly offended?

In this day and age, we cannot allow people to overrun civil society bringing carnage amongst us and then running into some hiding place seeking refuge from justice. Cowards!

What damage these people have wrought in the name of Islam is beyond reckoning, and much as they are not representative of Islam per se, this act of unmitigated violence will give the movement that appreciates Islamophobia more fuel and support.

Damage to religion

Suffice it to say that the people who do the most damage to religion are those who through their actions in support of their beliefs are both unreasonable and extremist.

People whose perspective of life strips humanity of any expression beyond one of subservience to a deity that is cruel, merciless and humourless, yet, if we are to lose the richness of satire and humour to the feeble religious sensibilities of fanatics, we deserve no liberty nor freedom.

We must protect our liberty, our freedom, our expression and our wonderful humanity from these sort of people by chasing them and their sponsors; the acquiescent, the committed and those who give succour to the ends of the earth, bringing them to face the full wrath of the law.

Much as we have civilised ourselves beyond the routine shedding of blood, we must deprive these people of their liberty that no one else comes to harm by their words, thoughts or deeds.

Snakes in the backyard

We can no more pussyfoot around religious extremism, it has to be tackled head on and brought to heel, as every terrorist does not belong on our streets for more than an overly generous second.

It is like what Hillary Clinton said about tolerating terrorism in whatever form, “It's like that old story - you can't keep snakes in your backyard and expect them only to bite your neighbours. Eventually those snakes are going to turn on whoever has them in the backyard.”

That is what we do when those with a tendency to terrorist activity are allowed to remain free because of our fear of engaging them and eradicating whatever the radicalisation or philosophy is.

Whose picture is it, really?

Then we need to deal with the issue of depictions, nobody knows what any of the original religious leaders looks like, it is quite beyond belief that anyone would then think a depiction is a representation. Like every picture of a white man with blonde long hair wearing a white robe is Jesus Christ, or every picture of a man with dark hair, a big beard and a wearing a turban is Mohammed.

How we can be so convinced of what we do not know to so act as if it were a personal living experience makes the hold of religion on some people feel more cultist than devotional. This is where people not so grounded in the richness of their faith and belief systems get so easily offended by completely innocuous things.

Can we have come through centuries of repression, persecution, wars and emancipating to then end up in the 21^st Century looking like the Dark Ages? It ought not be so.

Protecting our expression

No one can so suddenly be so religious to begin to personify the original prophets and instigators of the belief systems we now hold dear, from whatever persuasions and anything that attempts to create and nurture people with that kind of mind-set needs to be nipped in bud.

Back to Charlie Hebdo, I am saddened and perturbed by this tragedy, but for the victims of this tragedy not to have died in vain, we must continue the discourse in the richness of satire and humour, whilst condemning those who have decided to forfeit this wonderful gift of human expression for murderous instincts.

Justice will prevail, peace will rein and may the beauty of human expression on any topic we so desire to reflect upon never wane.

May all those who lost their lives in this unfortunate tragedy, rest in peace.

#JeSuisCharlie

Thought Picnic: Wondering about life

Desirous of something

Sometimes, you wonder about life, the choices, the options, the opportunities, the fears and the desires. Many things that make you think and think again about whether life is as eventful and fulfilling as one will want it or not at all.

Desire seems to take the fore when there is a yearning for some sort of companionship, the desire to have someone to share experiences with as is the fear of being alone.

You sometimes strive for it and at other times you are frustrated out of it unsure of which tactic is the right one, because what works for others might well not work for you.

Love to get

The quest for love is a trying process and knowing that one opportunity was lost because we were not daring or bold enough to take the bigger risks for long-term gain, you are sometimes beaten down for failing to capitalise on what was within grasp.

Choices come from things you have or things that are presented to you as options, what you choose might lead to exploiting opportunity or it might be an end.

Opportunity offers the prospect of uncharted waters, maybe new experiences and probably adventure. The hope is that one is not too old in body and mind to chart an adventurous course that brings new meaning to life and existence.

Banish the fears

We cannot however be governed by our fears, either real or imagined, for fear constrain us and imprison us the cocoon of the familiar and comfortable which for a moment might be convenient, but in the long run, we lose out on the better things beyond the façade of uncertainty.

We need to reach, reach out, reach beyond, reach for and breach the limitations that leave us incomplete and unfulfilled in the many things that bring happiness, fun and love.

Sometimes, you wonder about life, how you really could make it better.

Double life: Denials creating a first time every time

Learned to perfection

Society sometimes helps model people into quite interesting and unique individuals with somewhat common traits. I have observed this in people with fantasies, maybe dreams or daring ambitions.

The secretiveness that governs the quest should be a case for study; it might well have been studied, who knows?

They come across as knowledgeable of what they want having relived the fantasy so many times, it has become experiential as to be performed as rote.

First time every time

Having satisfied that fantasy, the truth then emanates that it is really just the first time and then a torrent of denials follow.

First about whom they are and how their deviation of the public façade they present is an anomaly, then about their fears about being discovered calls for utter discretion.

This is quite duplicitous and probably dishonest too, the secret double-lives puts all interactions at varying levels of risk as the protagonist finds an accommodation that balances quest and guilt with managed daring and pangs of conscience.

The art of denial

Using the device of denial, they deign to wipe the slate clean every time that each real repetition of the fantasy is projected as a novice who just seems to have the deft hand of the expert. Denial has become an art form, practiced with all the necessary safeguards to prevent the Jekyll and Hyde lives in the same person from visiting each other.

At which point you begin to wonder, who you can believe and who has created a world of make-belief, therein lies the erosion in trust of strangers with fantasies.