Essential Snobbery 101: Attend for the experience or stay at home

Acrobats from Africa

On Wednesday, I had the pleasure of attending the Kalabanté Productions: Afrique En Cirque performance at the Aviva Studios, Factory International venue bordering Manchester to the northwest, courtesy of tickets from George House Trust.

This troupe from Guinea in West Africa brought to life the typical everyday life in West Africa, even though they represented themselves more as ambassadors of Africa than from a specific region.

The performance was full of African percussion and the versatility of the kora, a 21-stringed instrument common to West Africa, beyond which were dances and lots of acrobatics. Amongst the performers were two contortionists with freakish abilities that just astounded us with awe.

For me, it was a lovely, entertaining night; the innate African in me could not sit still as the percussion beats resonated, so you just had to move or rock in rhythm in your seat.

Arriving on African time

With everything African, certain African traits were presented with a surprising coincidence of our row of 16 seats in a section being populated by people seemingly of African origin.

However, my pique was with certain on my row who arrived over 30 minutes after the performance started, meaning we had to get up for them to get to their seats. The seat beside me was vacant for about an hour before the lady arrived, and the performance had hardly ended before she was the first to literally push her way through to leave. She probably should have just stayed home.

I do have my concerns about concert etiquette, though. I would attend a performance for the experience, in the moment. I might at times take notes, but I rarely do, except when I am attending for the second time, if the opportunity comes up.

The disruption of mobile phones

It has become the bane of live attendance to see many holding up their phones and recording the performance, obviously to relay to others that they were there, but I feel the quality of the experience is diminished by the distraction or concentration on their phones to ensure they get the somewhat essential elements of the performance.

The amateur recording of a performance would never meet the professional standards of a licensed recording of a performance with cameras at strategic locations and all the elements of zooming in on certain sections of the stage to highlight critical must-see actions.

Besides, in a dark theatre, the light or glare of the mobile phone recording events is both a distraction and an irritation to other members of the audience. Some concerts literally look like candlelight vigils, all phones aglow and in the line of sight of those behind trying to catch what is going on.

Come for the experience

In my view, this should be banned, you either have come for a live performance or you want to watch it on television at home. If indeed you need to encourage others to see the show, your word of mouth about the experience should suffice. If snippets of the show are necessary, the production company would probably have a professionally curated trailer of their performance to highlight what to expect; it is unlikely you can do better than them.

It might serve a purpose for you, and the best is to seek a photo opportunity with the performers after the show; that would be more unique and special than a bootlegged sneaky recording of a performance, whilst being an irritation to others. Thank you.

Opinion: It is not African Time, it is deplorable conduct

This is the limit

At an event I attended recently, I witnessed attitudes that left me too appalled for words that the need to address it head-on is pertinent.

This event was to begin at a scheduled time and I arrived with one of the organisers ahead of schedule to help set up the venue. Soon guests started to arrive and quite many were on time, including Africans from other countries.

Two hours into the event the celebrant made an interesting observation to me as I was already seething with rage that our ‘people’ had not yet arrived. Most of the guests were friends and acquaintances of the partner and they were also on hand to run last-minute errands for the event.

I’m calling them out

After the third hour, the familiar Nigerian crowd sauntered in, amongst this lot were supposed organisers too, without apology or regret and they ensconced themselves in isolation to most of the early arrivals, there was very little mingling and I doubt most of them even introduced themselves to others, talk less of shaking hands. I was both scandalised and appalled.

We have somewhat embraced the rotten and reprehensible cultural trait of not being punctual and given it a seemingly respectable moniker of African Time. It is not African Time, it is deplorable conduct, excused by too many.

With African Time, you can descend into sloppy timekeeping even if you are wearing and expensive watch, since the purpose of the watch is not to keep time, but to show off your shiny baubles like a primitive given shiny worthless things in exchange for jewels of antiquity.

With African Time, you are under no obligation to give adequate notice of your estimated time of arrival if you will not arrive on time as other better-bred and cultured people do, it is an accepted norm to absent yourself from discipline and rigour, because Africans do not do order.

It is a thing of honour and respect

Sometimes, I wonder if the irredeemable purveyors of the African Time practice will arrive at interviews for jobs late too and what stupid excuses they might have to proffer that the interviewer will be too embarrassed to comment, but that simple act of late coming will be an automatic disqualification for the job.

Some suggested, that this African Time concept is a values thing, I will go further to suggest it is first a sign of indiscipline and unreliableness, which means I will never be able to recommend such people in a professional setting and I know some recommendations I have given count for much.

Beyond this, it is an expression of disrespect apart from surreptitiously dishonouring the host. Now, whilst any host will appreciate being respected and honoured with the attendance of guests at any function they arrange, the greater honour and respect are shown and fully acknowledged when guests arrive on time and more so when they stay to the end.

Keep away if you can’t be punctual

I cannot imagine myself arriving at a function late without giving advance notice, besides, I try to communicate to ensure my host is not left worrying where I might be. If the matter is tentative, we can work on probabilities, but if an assurance is given, then, my word must be my bond.

I write this blog utterly disgusted by conduct that leaves me close to reaching for a sickbag, African Time attitudes are learnt and to see this contemptible activity deployed to the point of expert utility by Nigerian youths is both unacceptable and untenable.

I have many times raised this issue with some of these youths to no avail and I am no more to condone or tolerate this utter uselessness. If you cannot respect and honour your host with being punctual or giving proper notice of why you will be late, please just stay away from the gathering of respectable and cultured people, it is evident that swine associating with people will not turn swine into ladies or gentlemen.

Berlin: They brought their 'Big-Man' Complex with them

To the lettered in Berlin

Many years ago, I was through a relation of mine, a guest of the Nigerian Ambassador to Germany, the experience was a complete culture shock to me. I was picked up from my hotel and as we accessed the consulate everyone; the staff and some other visitors were genuflecting with insipid subservience, it was too sickening for words. I had entered a big-man time capsule that I do not think was encouraged by the ambassador himself.

I was respectful but quite dignified as someone suggested I should only speak when spoken to, not where I particularly come from or how I was brought up, I’m afraid. The ambassador was welcoming, friendly, without airs and engaging.

It was clear that he craved the company of fellow countrymen who could hold a decent conversation without the excesses of the fawning we call ‘respect’, nor was I there for some quid pro quo activity or politics, so we spoke freely as if we were old friends, it was such a pleasure to meet him.

Of the feted in Berlin

In another place and setting in Berlin, one can only imagine a restaurateur encounters this problem more frequently than most, but it got a good few of us quite irked as we tried to restore some order.

Running a restaurant is hard enough and having returning customers must speak for quality and service, at least in my case, both do matter and there are times where the absence of good service has informed whether I can really overlook that for the quality.

They booked a table for 10 for 4:00PM but did not arrive until 90 minutes later; you may call it African time, but surely not in Germany, they arrived without as much as informing the restaurant that they’ll be running late and when they did arrive it was just 6 of them.

Distributed Denial of Service

This inadvertently is a like an Internet Denial of Service attack, because reservations mean the tables cannot be allocated to other customers and depending on the demand, the proprietor stands to lose income if those who booked the reservation arrive late or never show up.

In the hotel business, at least, they have the option to charge the first night of a reservation if there is a no-show and then allocate the room to new custom for the next night, but that does not apply to restaurants.

Without apology, they sat and began to throw their weight around, expecting obsequiousness and fawning like they were accustomed to in Nigeria, they began to reconfigure the a la carte menu to their particular tastes as the co-owner waitress patiently accommodated their indecisive and indulgent needs as my irritation at their demeanour began to rise.

Whine on wine

When they finished their meal, they ordered wine, as if that should come after meals, but that is beside the point, being moneyed does not necessarily mean being cultured. As the bottle was presented by another waitress they called out the co-owner waitress-manager and complained that the waitress was not smiling whilst serving them, somehow they felt they were not being fussed over enough.

I had joined some gentlemen at another table as we were watching a football match and we thought amongst ourselves that that was the very wrong way to express displeasure at service if ever it was bad service. As long term customers going back years, we have never had reason to complain about service at this restaurant, but there goes.

Typically incalcitrant

Now, I had overheard the restaurateur inform them when they arrived that he had another reservation for 12 guests from 7:00PM, they also arrived a bit late, but he had forewarned the seated party that they might have to move tables when the larger group arrives.

By this time, they had more or less settled in, rearranged chairs and comfortably reclined to their wine watching the game. The restaurateur then approached them to say his booking had arrived and they would have to move, the number that was supposed to be 10 had now whittled down to 4 occupying the space for 12.

At the very least in a small seating restaurant, one would have expected them to be considerate, rather they decided they were being treated shabbily and without respect, abruptly demanded the bill.

The restaurateur tried hard to reason with them and placate them to no avail that we in my group got involved, offering them our seats as we readied to move to another part of the restaurant.

I don’t really care who you are

Then that supercilious Nigerian statement was made, “Do you know who we are?” I was having none of it, who were they? I later learnt, one of the number was supposedly a major general in Nigeria, but we are in Germany.

Typical Nigerian ‘Bigmanism’ an inability to moderate the delusions of grandeur and inflated sense of worth that associates with position and means in Nigeria once they have left Nigeria for other countries, especially European countries.

Opinion - Bigmanism in Nigeria - Vanguard News

Much as I can be a reserved Englishman, I can well be a rather obstreperous Nigerian too as I told them off one at time in Yoruba, inferring the Yoruba saying that they were like kids whose first taste of stew had it spilling all over their clothes.

Adjusting to the situation

At which point, they realised that ‘Bigman’ card was not going to work in this restaurant, the other gentlemen with me half placated all of us as they tactfully reprimanded them. We live in Europe not cowering and fearful of people and this was not the place to be intimidated, regardless of what rank or means they had in Nigeria.

They moved and settled down before one of their number came to chat to me and I simply said, whatever their grievance, we were customers too and it was important they realised they were in an international setting that just happens to be serving Nigerian cuisine. There was a need to temper their need for fawning with some appreciation of time, manner and place.

He acquiesced, as we conversed in Yoruba, which meant he fully understood everything I said and it probably hit home, we cracked a few jokes, they paid up and left. We sighed with relief and much as one might have wanted to put some fault at the door of the restaurateur, we realised he must run the gauntlet of such nonsense, probably daily, some customers just need to be put in their place.

For this lot, all they deserved was good service and good food, which I believed they received, they’ll have to travel back to Nigeria to be waited on like royalty.

Watching the second hand tick away

I hate being late

“Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late”, said the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland [1] and dear me, do I hate being late?

I like the concept of time, it brings order, responsibility and purpose to any activity; old-fashioned as it might seem, keeping time is the measure of man and the inability to keep to time makes one less of who that person might aim to be.

The concept of African time [2] where people cannot seem to adjust their activities to the regimen of a watch and the promise to be at a place for a particular time is as annoying as it gets for me – it works in Africa but the Western idea of time is radically different – I live in the West and have been schooled in the Western ideal of time {Read the link for a idea of those concepts of time.}.

I am always beside myself in befuddlement when I cannot get a person to be precise about time, I like arrangements that say, "I would be there at 6 o’ clock" rather than "I would be there around 6". Is that before, after, fashionably late or hours later?

If I cannot make it on time, I always endeavour as a matter of both courtesy and integrity to inform and provide an estimated time of arrival.

I have had people call from home about being late at the time when they are supposed to have arrived – I usually have the good mind of cancelling at that time – what if I was cooking?

I thought I had my time

Not even a year ago on holiday, I walked into a horologe retailer and thought I had the watch I wanted, I had moved on from digital watches though I was still fixated on dual time for the sake of travel and differing time zones.

I was weaned off that idea, but after I left the shop with a Swiss-made [3] watch which had the time, date, day and hours, I found that the watch was a bit crowded with 6 hands moving at different speeds for seconds, minutes, hours, hour of day, date and day – then I could not see the time at night because someone had economised on the fluorescent material.

I have to extricate myself from the snobbish idea that watches made in the Switzerland are the best watches, if they are really genuinely made in that country just as the best wines are not necessarily French.

I had a new watch and within 24-hours it was in its death throes, but I used it and it gave me the time and every month shorter than 31 days meant I needed to do the dainty pinching of dials to adjust the day, not a problem with digital watches.

The aquatic force of batteries

However, by the time you have a watch that is water resistant to 10 atmospheres or 100 metres replacing the battery becomes a feat of engineering to maintain the water resistant integrity and there are very few horology shops that would give that service for watches not on their shelves – by which time you are shopping for another watch.

My watch graveyard just had a new burial; I just counted 6 watches that have lost my love for their running out of juice or looks.

It was not a birthday treat bit the proximity to that day could have made it all the more significant, being the last Saturday before my holiday and Christmas, I was up and out by 10:00 AM rather than feeling like a Saturday morning.

Little netbook, large ability

I had to get a bag for my new ultra-portable Toshiba NB100 [4] netbook which does not have the best of reviews from the aficionados but everyone who has had a play with my netbook is already half-way to the shops to get one of theirs – experts cannot all be right – I like my new toy and I do quite a bit on it now.

It has the Intel Atom processor, it was upgraded to 2GB of RAM at no extra charge from 1GB, possibly because of my charm, it has a 120 GB hard disk, an 8.9” screen and weighs in at 1.05 kilograms.

Though it comes installed with Microsoft Windows XP Home, since I have Microsoft TechNet [5] subscription, I upgraded it to Microsoft Windows XP Professional, installed Microsoft Office 2007 and many other things that make this small netbook an amazing tool.

Move to wind up working

I got the bag and further up the road, I stumbled into this friendly Seiko shop where the staff were friendly, knowledgeable and quick clued-in about their wares – Judith was just fantastic.

I wanted a kinetic watch with date and day that I could view in the dark – if I needed the dates to automatically adjust I had to get one that had a 15 year battery built in going for about EUR 1,000 – just must be kidding me.

Now, I have seen all those Rolex [6] and Audemars Piquet [7] advertisements on television and they are to give that aspirational feeling of becoming some successful sports person – that is fine for those who take all that tripe, the wearers are paid to wear those watches in order to persuade us to pay silly prices to pay others to persuade more to buy into this seemingly exclusive club.

No, I do not aspire to be a golfer, a motor car racer, a sailor, a tennis player or some Utopian Adonis posing like Michelangelo’s David, I just like something that tells the time without having to make my heart stop every time the second hand moves.

Expensive handcuffs of time

Sure, I’ll wear a EUR 5,000 watch that has all the specifications I want if I can become an advertising object else, forget it.

I have never been given to ostentation or the hedonism of having expensive handcuffs telling time masquerading as watches for the world of crime to contemplate hacking off your hand to get at your stupendously expensive time wear if I am to use the parlance of those in the market of making watches hip.

In fact, I find many young people use their mobile phones for time keeping, I am always aghast to find a man is not wearing a watch – but then I am probably just too old-fashioned to recognise this trendy trend.

In the end I settled for something not too expensive a Seiko [8] timepiece that tells the time and requires I move my arms a few times in the day with a reserve of about 6 months of energy before I have to swing it violently again to get it to start up.

If I am still wearing it, I hope they would allow it to go 6-feet under with me to keep time for 6 months before what is left is the miracle of bones being given breath to rise again sometime in the future.

Sources

[1] Alice's Adventures in Wonderland -- Chapter I

[2] The Western versus the African Time Concept

[3] The Swiss Watch Industry - Swiss Made

[4] Toshiba NB100

[5] Microsoft TechNet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[6] Rolex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[7] Audemars Piguet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[8] Seiko - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia