My second census

Counted as one of us

Two weekends ago, I filled in the census forms online even though today, the 21^st of March 2021 is Census Day in England. I did not expect my circumstances or living arrangements to change between then and now.

The UK census is taken every 10 years from 1801 with the year ending in a 1, there was one census in April 1966, I am not too sure if we participated in it. The next census, where I was indeed counted, was in Jos, Nigeria, in 1973, the enumerator arrived at our house and was in a meeting with my parents for about an hour before we all had a finger inked to indicate we had been counted.

In April 1991, my living arrangements were quite fluid that I eventually did not get counted at all. The 2001 & 2011 censuses had me out in The Netherlands where for privacy reasons direct censuses are not conducted at except for from data gleaned from other sources, so, the first census in which I have been counted in the majority would be this one, and I am 55.

Who and what we are

The range of questions I had to answer covered status, occupation, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and gender identity. Whilst I would normally fall under the grouping of Black British, I do prefer to identify as Black English. I found that there was a determination to peg me down to my particular ethnic ancestry and so, I have to volunteer that my parents are Nigerian.

For the first time, we were asked what our sexual orientation was and evidently, I am Gay and for now single in the UK until I get married to Brian soon. My gender identity is male, though the need for that question indicates the change times and norms as to how we identify.

More and more, many of our civic responsibilities are performed online and we are open to sanction or fines if we do not participate in the census with a possible £1,000 fine, much as well if we do not register to vote. What appears to be voluntary is not necessarily so and because of a 100-year rule, the public will not have access to the results of this census until the year 2122.

Understandably some fathers will not get to acceptance

Hard truths of sons

From a personal perspective I can understand how difficult it must be for a Nigerian father to countenance the idea that their child is not heteronormative. If it were a matter of choice or lifestyles, it is likely they might have been different, but the world we live in is diverse with expressions of individuality and uniqueness that may not follow the orthodoxy.

When I father challenged the public acknowledgement of my sexuality as a gay man years ago, I was directly instructed to come out of the gay world. I had no other alternative than to tell him without mincing words some truths about my life he might have been suspicious of or never knew. Until then, I was hiding my reality from him in the misconception that I was saving him the shock of my person and my personality. [For Akin – Funmi Iyanda]

From aberration to acceptance

In the 1960s, I appreciate the cultural aversion to homosexuality in the UK even as acceptance of the fact that homosexuals exist and are neither mentally incapacitated nor deviants. In 1967, homosexuality was decriminalised in the UK, though it took decades for acceptance to gain traction towards non-discrimination based in sexual orientation. [Wikipedia: Sexual Offences Act – 1967.]

When I returned to the UK in 1990, I did not shy away from who I was, considering I was being blackmailed in Nigeria. The way I dealt with the blackmailer was to say he would have to explain how he found out, why were involved for an extended period and whether he would not be just as exposed and unlikely me with an exit plan, he had to exist within a homophobic environment.

My son

When my father responded, he said, “You are my son, I cannot reject you.” Whilst I did not read that as a wholesale acceptance of who I am, it was conciliatory enough an acknowledgement that there was nothing he could do about it if we were to retain any form of relationship. We have developed that filial relationship despite occasional hiccups.

Dr Doyin Okupe, a former presidential spokesman for the President of Nigeria today from the papers finds himself in the same situation of first acknowledging against every gain in his religious and patriarchal body that his son, Bolu Okupe is gay. The most important and significant statement he could make was, “He (Bolu) is my son.” [The Nation: Doyin Okupe, son in a row over ‘gay status’]

Beyond that, any discussion by anyone else is an exertion in conjecture and vain jangling. It is no doubt a trying period for heterosexual fathers, but their homosexual sons do have their lives to live. I have a partner to whom I hope to get married. I affections have never had any inclination apart from a homonormative existence, I accepted myself long before I needed to tell anyone about who I am, even at work from the 1990s.

A deluge of ignorance

What I find utterly irksome is the crass and ignorant reportage that masquerades as journalism in Nigeria. With the abundance of knowledge, expertise, academic material and legal precedent in many countries not only acknowledging homosexuality but conferring rights and freedom with the criminalisation of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, we have people who offer stupefying opinions, bias and bigotry as fact, that I read, “He resides in France where the law allows him to experiment with his sexuality.” Experiment?

You do not experiment with sexuality, it is embodied in the person, their expression and their identity, it is their life and they live it in or out of the closet, depending on the agency and autonomy they have. We need to banish the concept of lifestyle or choice from the canon of sexual orientation or we risk being refused access to societies where the debate about sexual orientation has long passed from a wedge issue of societal and cultural exclusion.

Thought Picnic: The many human stories are not the manual of humanity

Experience is no expertise

It has been on my mind, the idea that certain developments in my life might need some explaining or contextualising, probably elucidation leading to enlightenment, but on reflection, it is unnecessary.

My lived experience is my life’s story, it does not necessarily make me an expert in that matter. I have reviewed many issues like when I had cancer, I knew the pain I was feeling, I could explain in enough lucid detail for my consultants to determine what course of action and treatment to take, they also taking the care to give me an understanding of what they plan to do.

It never made me an oncologist, it just was the impetus to acquire a better understanding of what options I had with just enough information to sway things favourably one way or the other for my particular circumstances. When a neurologist was determined to perform a lumbar puncture, I pled body fatigue, cancer, chemotherapy, and lethargy, I did not need another shock to my system.

Stories to broaden the mind

Obviously, I remonstrated, it was my body first before it was their guinea pig, not to claim superiority over their expertise, but for them to option their diagnoses and prognoses to further consideration. They were sympathetic and adopted another course of treatment.

The matter of sexuality has always been part of humanity way back into recorded history. Certain cultures accepted it as part of human expression, others moralised about it and the apparent use of sex for particular uses rather than for pleasure. I do not believe I want to seek the Big Bang Theory of all human expression in the good, the acceptable or the reprehensible.

Fundamentally, people find companionship and love with others and certain societies constitutionally guarantee partnerships that align with the majority, for they see it as a human rights issue and not one of morality. The professionals also consider it normal human expression even if apparently different that which the majority adheres to. Invariably, there is a space for diversity even if most are aligned to conformity.

No need for explanation as to why

If there be any confusion as to how or why people are the way they are, the fact is some things are just innate, without explanation, it is not a lifestyle but a whole life and it is understandable that it is not understood. What is not understood should inspire a quest for understanding rather than the agitation for proscription. Our fear of the unknown is more irrational than we sometimes are ready to admit.

We are never all going to be the same, act the same way, live the same lives, or make the same choices. That is the beauty of our amazing humanity. I can tell my story and you can tell yours, but each experience is just part of a larger tapestry of the human experience, it is not the manual of life as everyone should live it. We live to love, we love to live and live and let live.

Thought Picnic: The quest to see the person first

No Sabbath for suffering

It never ceases to amaze me when people are presented with situations and they are occupied with anything but the engagement with humanity. Biblical references come in useful, the instance where Jesus had disputes with the religious leaders and leaders of the synagogues because he performed healing miracles on the Sabbath, where, by law, he was not supposed to perform any work.

One leader of the synagogue made his displeasure known by remonstrating that there were other days in which Jesus could perform miracles, but the Sabbath really had to be kept holy. This was after witnessing the healing miracle of a woman who had been bound in infirmity for 18 years. Somehow, it was impossible for him to countenance the wonder of giving the woman any succour on the Sabbath, for as far as he was concerned, the law came first, and the woman could come on another day. [Luke 13:10-17 The spirit of infirmity (NKJV)]

As I have mentioned before, when I had cancer, our modern-day Sabbath which by terms is a Sunday did not suddenly mean the pain went away or I had any respite. There was a Sunday when my Fentanyl patch fell off the skin of my stomach unbeknownst, I just knew the pain was deathly and then realised the patch had gone. I applied a new patch but whilst I waited for it to take hold, I was in excruciating pain that I began to laugh almost hysterically with the view to releasing endorphins to ease the pain.

The birthday of a gay man in love

Which brings me to yesterday when I posted birthday greetings to Brian, my partner. I included pictures of a sunny disposition and these included ones of us kissing. We were kissing because we are in love, there should be no difficulty in recognising that.

Blog - Thought Picnic: Live your life freely and we'll live ours

If we were to view this in terms of humanity versus the legalism issue which comes across as an inability to recognise and accept diversity, this was what was at play. Two men kissing, an expression of love that some might find difficult to understand or appreciate, then they might look at the message; a birthday greeting expressed in love. Well, if they cannot abide the kissing, they should be able to celebrate the birthday, you would think.

Blinded by rage

Then obviously, no one is under obligation to do anything, the men are strangers to you doing something you do not agree with. As there is no connection between you and them, you would probably let sleeping dogs lie, ignore it and move on. That, unfortunately, was not our experience with some, even though the majority offered best wishes and support.

They on their high horses with unrighteous indignation to castigate, excoriate, condemn and vilify, completely implacable in their outrage at two men celebrating their love and a birthday, all they could see was everything wrong according to their worldview. The iota of humanity that would have allowed them to even grudgingly offer birthday greetings and express their misgiving never found an airing. They became protectors of the law as they saw it at the expense of their humanity.

Bitterness diminishes humanity

For them, seeing others suffer their stinging wrath was more pleasure to them than the celebration of life and happiness. To a point, I was pained for them, for at the root of it all was bitterness and negative energy that probably had depths that could not be explored satisfactorily to revive their innate humanity. Some, I withstood and faced down, others were too disagreeable to engage.

It is not like they would entertain any stranger interfering with how they live their lives, but a form of hubris with arrogance and a misplaced moral authority emboldens them to insert themselves to dictate how they think others should live and express themselves. It was a hard viewing to watch soulless and heartless vituperations. Yet, in the broad spectrum of our diverse humanity, I guess someone should fill those positions even when on the wrong side of history, priorities, or simply minding your own business.

Thought Picnic: Live your life freely and we'll live ours

Celebrating my partner

When I published a tweet, this morning congratulating my partner on his birthday this morning, that was all I intended, to celebrate him as my significant other and hopefully, make it a special day amongst my community of friends.

Obviously, the pictures attached to the tweet were happy and romantic as one should expect between people in a relationship. That such expressions appear to be a rarity to some is entirely no fault of ours, we are just living our own lives.

Invariably, people in love would most likely kiss regardless of gender pairing. If in an ordinary setting we observe two people kissing without attributing any roles to them, we would immediately conclude they are in love.

Dear @Brian07j,
I wish you a very happy birthday, you're the best, have an extraordinarily wonderful day. Love you with all my heart. pic.twitter.com/32mjOMvZHO

— Akin Akíntáyọ̀ 🏳️‍🌈 #European (@forakin) July 7, 2020

Not that strange

If we dispense of the seemingly traditional stereotypes to our schooled inclinations from limited exposure, ignorance out of the lack of knowledge of the existence of things, prejudice, bigotry, or the absence of the ability to explore life beyond our worldview, two males kissing or two females kissing would not seem that strange, they are simply expressing love for each other.

It might come as a surprise to some that same-sex attraction embodies the fullest spectrum of human interaction, it is not limited to the physical, but it includes the heart, the mind, the soul and every other human endeavour. That means same-sex pairings are capable of friendships, relationships, falling in love, entering into civil partnerships and getting married.

Blog - Birthday Renewal Invitation Anniversary Nativity - VII

Our legal standing

There are jurisdictions in the world where there are constitutional protections on sexual orientation against harm and discrimination, whilst also providing them with the full legal framework of matrimonial and spousal rights, even in South Africa. That many other countries have not caught up to that ideal does not invalidate the reality of what it portends and how people who have those rights choose to exercise them.

Now, I am not here to proselytise or pursue an agenda, that is not my purpose, there are activists and advocates doing the amazing work of ensuring the fundamental human rights of the broad LGBTQ+ community. What we would not do is hide from the world.

We belong in our communities whether we are accepted or not, we will thrive in our lives and careers regardless, and for what it is worth, we would proclaim and celebrate the lives of our significant others because that is who they are significant, purposeful and relevant.

No apology tendered

In the end, even if the apparently abnormal to you, but normal to us and many who seek the greater human diversity cannot be countenanced by you, the very least you can do is, ‘Live and let live.’ We are asking no more from anyone than to enjoy the pursuit of happiness without let or hindrance, the freedoms you enjoy in your lives are those we seek to be accorded to many ostracised, stigmatised, vilified, persecuted, prosecuted, maimed, and harmed for who they are, and that is always and forever a just cause to stand for.

We make no apology for the love we share; we are whether you believe the science or espouse a myopic belief system as natural as anyone else, probably different, maybe individual, usually unique, or disputably alternative, but never chimeral. We have existed since the beginning of time and will continue to exist for as long as humanity thrives. We are here to stay and will not be obliterated or diminished.

In closing, our hearts are warmed by the support, the messages and the goodwill that has been shown us and the many birthday greetings to Brian. We cannot thank you enough and we work towards a better world where no one needs fear for who they are or who they love.

The Cerebral Nature of Sexual Orientation

Preamble: Unusually in this blog I have directly linked to my references within the text rather than provide separate source material. The rights of the publishers of the information reference are fully acknowledged and respected.

Sexuality and Beliefs

The matter of sexuality and sexual orientation causes all sorts of discourse from intelligent and understanding to prejudiced and bigoted.

Different religions find all sorts of political advantage in being able to trot out some verse, creed, rule, law or doctrine that galvanises their supposedly just and holy right to castigate and condemn, effectively excluding others from their following.

It is interesting however to see how advances in knowledge, science and medicine have remedied heretofore abominable and somewhat incurable conditions which called for separation, ostracism or even judgement by reason of the fact that those things were not understood to any objective detail at those times.

Knowledge debunking fallacies

The clash of the ancient and modern still persists as ancient morals are used to constrain modern thinking even as science helps explain in quantifiable, qualitative and empirical research, those things that the ancients killed outliers for and just a few centuries ago religious leaders excommunicated thinkers for logically challenging the basis of long-held beliefs bordering on fallacy that engendered the preponderance of corrupt ruling classes.

Anengiyefa on his Things I feel strong about blog references one such study, following the links and references gets us to an article in Medical News Today titled Homo Or Hetero? The Neurobiological Dimension Of Sexual Orientation.

Dr. Jerome Goldstein at 21st Meeting of the European Neurological Society (ENS) in Lisbon states, “Sexual orientation is not a matter of choice, it is primarily neurobiological at birth, there are undeniable links. We want to make them visible to the eye.”

Difference in the brains

He goes on to say, “Using volumetric studies, there have been findings of significant cerebral amygdala size differences between homosexual and heterosexual subjects. Sex dimorphic connections were found among homosexual participants in these studies.”

The last paragraph is almost inscrutable but it suggests that the parts of the brain have a primary role in the processing and memory of emotional reactions.

From a medical perspective Dr. Goldstein refers to a 2008 work of Dr. Ivanka Savic-Berglund and Dr. Per Lindström of the Karolinska Institute, Stockholm, Sweden where using MRI and PET scans they found differences in cerebral asymmetry and functional connectivity between homo- and heterosexual subjects. [Abstract][Full PDF]

It is nature not nurture

However, science has an uphill task against religion and preconceptions where many believe sexual orientation is determined by nurture and not by nature, but then there was a time when the earth was considered flat until someone dared to circumnavigate the world.

Interestingly, these kinds of studies of neurological differences go back as far as 1992 in one titled, Sexual orientation and the size of the anterior commissure in the human brain [Full PDF] where the findings suggested The midsagittal plane (a vertical plane through the midline of the body; divides the body into right and left halves) of the anterior commissure (a bundle of nerve fibres – white matter; connecting the two cerebral hemispheres across the midline, and placed in front of the columns of the fornix) in homosexual men was 18% larger than in heterosexual women and 34% larger than in heterosexual men.

Religious cranial surgery?

Considering these significant differences it becomes rather interesting when aversion therapies and ex-gay movements are portending to change the structure of the brain as science now makes evident such that their stated intent is to change homosexuals into heterosexuals on the premise that homosexuals have made a lifestyle choice is false, atrocious and mendacious at best.

I’ll rather trust a neurosurgeon with a scalpel to my head than have some religionist attempt to surgically rearrange my white and grey matter through suspect methods completely ignorant and oblivious of the physical structure and workings of the brain. We might well call in the brain whisperer.

Neuroscience or difficult conformity

Unfortunately, societal mores buttressed by fundamentalist religious attitudes fuels homophobic propaganda and whilst it is probably easier in certain societies to naturally espouse your sexuality and identity, it remains troublesome in other seemingly conservative and impressionably strident societies that people will rather conform to a double-life of public heterosexuality and secret satisfaction of the natural homosexual trait.

Dr. Goldstein concludes, “Neuroscience has much to offer in the area of understanding the origins of all variations of sexual orientation. The neurobiology of sexual orientation and the gay brain, matched with other hormonal, genetic, and structural studies, has far-reaching consequences beyond sexual orientation.”

Four weddings and a lesbian

Strangely not fiction

You probably have heard it said, there is no smoke without fire; well, that is the accepted wisdom in all places but the home country - it is never smoke or fire, it is usually an explosion, how and why is usually unfathomable.

News is a strange commodity in Nigeria; the truth is hard to gather, rumour and speculation is rife, everything seems to be stranger than fiction, superstition hinders objective analysis, urban legends have no time to develop because all is sudden like a miracle and impossible to investigate like waiting for a miracle.

I do, I do, I do and I do

Take for instance, a "devout" Muslim man is allowed to take up to four wives but rarely have we seen the four wives taken at one wedding ceremony; one such ceremony allegedly took place in Kano State last weekend. The venue where the event took place has now been flattened because it did not meet planning regulations apparently.

Civil law enforcement would not have been too concerned about the event but religious law enforcement using a vigilante volunteer force of busy-body people working in parallel or sometimes at odds with the police are out enforcing Islamic law and are after the "bridegroom" and brides who all seem to have gone into hiding.

Funding fo(u)r weddings

The big gathering was not a wedding, we are told by the "groom", but a fundraising event to provide for the weddings of the four brides who presumably are singular brides of different grooms, in fact, the "groom" refers to the brides as sisters and it appears "Big Brother" was just trying to help out little sisters - plausible enough, one can accept that at face value - weddings are an expensive business in Nigeria.

Those who have besmirched the name of the "groom" will find a robust counter-offensive to clear the good name of this benevolent sibling, considering the "groom" until now never knew the adjective used to describe the fiesta ever existed, talk less of the practical consequences of the noun as a lifestyle.

Only in Nigeria

Now, gender equality still has a long way to go in Nigeria, and we cannot even begin to talk about sexuality issues where homosexuality is viewed as abominable and un-African - we know where they are coming from - heap on that the concept of Lesbianism and people go into hiding, buildings fall, Islamic courts are agog and maybe we have a news story or a Nigerian farce.

So, imagine a situation where the groom is anatomically female going by the name Aunty Maiduguri and the incredible is almost drowned out by the derisive laughter around the world - It is Nigeria, where things do happen so differently, you can always expect to be pleasantly surprised, shocked or confounded.

This is not a good time for sexual orientation rights in Nigeria and it is not enhanced by this unravelling saga.