Customer service is cheap at Laundryheap

Laundering a Laundry’s faults

For many times, I have used Laundryheap,
But now I think I would almost weep,
For 2 days ago to them, I gave two bags to keep,
To return to me my clothes given a clean sweep,
Alas, the returns being light I gave it a peep.

And 38 items out of 58, not one could seek,
How this could be you do wonder with pique,
As you file a complaint in search of anyone to speak,
Quite a silly situation to leave you quite weak,
In this situational distress, I find myself rather meek.

For my clothes went for a launder in Longsight,
Only 3 kilometres away from here, if you might,
But for the help, I needed to ease my searing plight,
Was a faceless bot in Bangalore that only could write,
So the day was long gone, and I was still in a fight.

Needing to be told where on earth my clothes have been,
Rest assured the bot did say to me then, we are so keen,
Five suits, Nine cravats, Five jackets, for now unseen,
Twenty shirts even, and my wardrobe is bare and quite lean,
This is all, I think, for the love of the automatic machine.

Now the bot comes back after a stern remonstration,
Somehow the facility team like detectives at a station,
My things have they found left behind at that location,
In less than four hours they should return to my possession,
For my troubles a paltry and flimsy tenner in compensation.

If I ever find myself using the services again of Laundryheap,
I would have returned to the slaughter very much like sheep,
For the critical customer service element is done on the cheap,
There is no satisfaction when it all slows to a damning creep,
At which point you seek another service to which you can leap.

Opinion: Nigerians paying to suffer great indignities

It is global no matter how local

The Nigerian Twitterverse was overrun with trending topics earlier today to do with a major concert that featured international artistes at a somewhat exclusive venue in Lagos.

I will not delve into the particular for there is much more to address with regards to the general which pertains to a Nigeria we will do well to divorce ourselves from if we are to make any progress as a people and as a country.

One is concerned that many do not realise that events in Nigeria now have a global audience and are subject to global scrutiny for the better or for the worse that it is important that those who identify as Nigerians both at home and abroad need to be aware of the responsibilities they bear along with the burden of duty that comes with being worthy and commendable ambassadors of our great land.

The concert was streamed live from the venue but that did not seem to compare in any way to the experiences the patrons had.

Oversold and under-prepared

The event would have had extensive publicity and garnered much interest with the sterling list of celebrities invited to compere and perform, it would appear the exclusive tickets labelled for VIPs and VVIPs were oversubscribed and sold but no adequate provision was made to accommodate the egos that thought they had bought exclusivity, comfort and class – nothing could have been further from the truth.

The reality was that the logistics were poor for accessing the venue that the patrons had to walk kilometres to the venue only to be bustled and jostled by bouncers at entry and then having inadequate seating or basic liquid refreshment.

Not what they paid for

To add insult to injury, the host appeared to be nonchalant about the ensuing chaos and like a typical Nigerian he would have attempted to bluff his way through the inadequacies to the extent that the patrons would have grumbled but accepted the indignities meted out to them.

Besides, the internationally renowned actor who was supposed to host the event that ran for hours was apparently only on stage for a grand total of less than 30 minutes.

Things ought not be so, people who have in their quest to sate their hedonistic tendencies by shelling out fortunes for access to glitterati should expect to be treated with dignity, respect, decorum and definitely not shabbily.

The insults we tolerate

But then, it goes without saying that if you are invited to an event you are probably a Very Important Person but if you have to pay to be seen with celebrities, you are anything but a VIP – access does not confer class; you are at best an interloper seeking to belong – I am not particularly sympathetic to people who assume airs of self-importance thinking their money can buy influence and thereby entitlement.

However, that said, Nigerians are in the majority mug-fodder (for mug, Nigerians will understand mugu better) to be exploited by the unscrupulous who trade on the low self-esteem or inferiority complex of the 'successful' but serious wanting in strength of character and demeanour.

It is not so important

There probably is a salutary lesson to be learnt, you do not have to be there if you have not been asked to be there by those who can smooth all the access required for you and remove the inconvenience I dare say rich plebs and wannabes suffer.

But in a country where we all troop like a stampeding herd usually uninvited to pay homage and burnish the egos of the powerful whilst wearing the most expensive watches but are so unschooled in keeping time, only a few of those who complained and fulminated vociferously will decline the opportunity to be treated with disdain if another event is staged at twice the ticket price and even less organisational preparation – we never learn.

His banker is laughing

If however any redress can be sought for the host to first apologise publicly and then offer compensation with the promise to do better, much progress will have been made. Reputations, perception and integrity should become front and centre of public life in Nigeria – crooks and confidence tricksters have held sway for too long.

Sadly, the age-old saying still finds true as it did at the very first time it fell from the lips of the original wise head – a fool and his money are soon parted.

No Ethos at Etos

Shopping like Duty Free

One would think the whole purpose of locating an outlet or shop at a passenger's terminal is to engage the custom of the crowds that pile through that environment as they commence, conclude or continue their journeys.

Hence, having a snack bar, a fast-food outlet, newsagents, sweet shop, essentials shop, drug store, a music and video store, flower shop and basic electronic goods store on that location would make sense.

In major terminals, you can have a dry cleaner, key replication services and shoemakers, a clothes shop, a watch store with a battery replacement service and probably little outlets of bigger supermarket or major high street shops.

That was the example I encountered at Berlin Hauptbahnhof which had shops on at least 4 levels catering to every kind of requirement, though, one should not expect for have a hardware goods or gardening store in a station, those things would appear too cumbersome to lug around and transport by train, for instance.

Customer demands need ready supply

The whole idea of paying premium rentals to afford instant customer exposure that exploits social attitudes as impulse buying, instant requirements, forgetfulness redemption amongst other traits to be available to offer services that meet these everyday issues.

It would be silly to open a shop that never gets visited, like a funeral parlour on a station concourse - what for?

Demographics, logistics and social analysis

Another aspect of this retail phenomenon is to insight into trends and requirements of customers as seasons change - gloves for winter, umbrellas for wet days, ice cream during hot months, medicaments for cold, flu, hay fever, headaches and general ailments.

There is always someone who realises a birthday needs a card, an anniversary needs flowers, a celebration needs sweets maybe cakes, a long journey requires reading material and so on and so forth.

Retailing is not so much about getting stuff off the shelves into customer bags; that is important; but logistics is the heartbeat of retailing - ensuring that the supply of goods readily meets the varying demand with respect to the points I have already raised.

It is no good to play hindsight provisioning in realising that what customers have demanded all day ran out last night.

Out of stock?

So, imagine my discountenance when I, having forgotten my instant relief medication for hay fever and thinking I only have to visit the apothecary (Etos in Dutch) at the station and then finding out they are out-of-stock.

The June and July months are the high season for hay fever sufferers, everyone is purchasing eye drops, nose sprays, tablets and possibly acupuncture if available and the two stores of the same chain at two ends of this major station has run out.

Well, the stores did have every other kinds of medication, but it is unlikely that those would move off the shelves as hay fever remedies would considering the season and the fact that the phenomenon is not some strange happenstance that took hold this summer.

Early rising dearly losing

One would have been able to get the medication from chemists on the high street, but at that time of the day, being the rush hour - shops in stations open a lot earlier, close a lot later, have a ready customer flow and demand and should know what should be on their shelves being no greenhorns in the business.

This time, with Etos, I was entirely unimpressed.