Count Binface and The Farce That Defines Us

A Comical Contender

Count Binface might seem comical or ridiculous to you, but in my view he is a send-up of the farce that sometimes defines British life and politics. That he had to give up the aristocratic title of Lord Buckethead for the more continental title of count was an unfortunate result of a humourless copyright dispute.

Count Binface courtesy of countbinface.com

A popular figure in significant elections, contesting against sitting prime ministers in their constituencies, standing in the London Mayoral elections, and more recently in the Makerfield by-election, the count has emerged as the only candidate who will stand against Nigel Farage in the Clacton by-election, a contest that hinges on Mr Farage first being appointed to the position of Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.

An Ancient Escape Route

That appointment is an ancient office, one that serves as a legal fiction to handle the departure of an MP from the House of Commons; under a resolution of 1624, it is illegal for an MP to resign or wilfully give up their seat. The appointment is approved by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and there is every likelihood that Mr Farage will not be permitted to resign until the parliamentary regulator on standards in office has reported its findings.

Nigel Farage announced on Tuesday his intention to resign and trigger a by-election in which he would run again, seeking to escape or forestall the parliamentary sanction he was likely to receive for failing to declare properly some of the various streams of finance and payments he has received from the year before he became an MP to the present day.

Dementors in Politics

While Nigel Farage purports to speak for the people of Clacton, he is, in effect, a dementor who feeds on human happiness and joy, leaving those he represents to relive their worst memories; Brexit is a case in point for the people of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

He is not alone in this cohort of depraved malevolence, for he attempts to re-enact tropes from the playbook of Donald Trump, no less a dementor of the worst kind. The Americans have offered a recent illustration of just how this dementor operates.

The FIFA Fiasco

With the FIFA World Cup hosted in the United States, Canada, and Mexico, the president persuaded FIFA to rescind a red card given to the American star striker. This unfortunate development brought unnecessary focus and opprobrium upon everything representative of the United States, tarring FIFA with the deserved taint of corruption, while giving Belgium the impetus to trash the United States 4-1.

That intervention sucked the spirit, resolve, and ability out of the US Men's National Team, so that whatever wherewithal they might have had to make an appearance was served back to them as just deserts for choosing exception over acquiescence to the rules of sportsmanship, fairness, and good conduct in football.

A Serious Manifesto

Count Binface should not be dismissed as laughable, yet his manifesto has included punishments for the public use of speakerphones, the return of 99p Flake ice creams, the restoration of the BBC Ceefax service, a cap on the price of croissants, the linking of ministers' pay to nurses' salaries, the building of at least one affordable house, the nationalisation of Adele, and the moving of the hand dryer in the gents' toilet at the Crown and Treaty pub in Uxbridge to "a more sensible position". [The Tab: Everything to know about Count Binface, the ‘space warrior’ standing against Nigel Farage]

These are serious issues that have garnered votes from serious people, and the odds of Count Binface winning against Nigel Farage present the kind of likelihood that inspired the British public to vote for Boaty McBoatface as the name of a £200m polar research vessel.

The Dustbin of History

If Nigel Farage's political career is consigned to the dustbin of history in his defeat to Count Binface, after a lifetime of pretending to represent people he has deluded and exploited with half-truths, conspiracy theories, and simple solutions to complex problems, no better story could have been written of British politics since the bulb of lettuce outlasted Liz Truss's premiership.

In his quest to escape accountability, after intense scrutiny of his financial arrangements, his ignominious undoing would come in the farcical match-up with Count Binface. He could then return to his grift, never to appear on our screens again except as a pantomime character, a parody of hubris shipwrecked on utter humiliation. I endorse Count Binface.

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