Thought Picnic: That honour rarely comes

We live for others

We grow and yet we do not grow up in the eyes of some usually out of proximity and familiarity or distance and estrangement. We seem to be caught in the amber of time, fossilised in the peat of an eternal past that has never changed. We are seen in the prism of light that no longer reveals or reflects who we are.

For all the journeys and experiences of life we have acquired, it is meaningless as those who never really journeyed with you through the wildernesses and the triumphs are totally unaware of how you have changed and who you have become. Jesus Christ painted that picture clearly; “A prophet is treated with honour everywhere except in his own hometown, among his relatives, and in his own house.” [You Version: Mark 6:4 (The Passion Translation)]

With achievement and recognition garnered from many endeavours, appreciation and praise greeting you as you navigate the fields of toil away from home, you are to them the boy, the kid, the child, the son, stripped of all standing and respect, reviled and contemned with belittlement and contempt, if you crave it, your disillusionment and disappointment will be great with the pall of disconsolation.

Continue in what you know

Yet, you must stand, if not to be heard, at least not to be stymied in the expression of who you have become. Be unrelenting in the resolve that has brought you the success you have earned through the sprinkled ingredients of example, training, experience, guidance, or even indifference.

The thought I started with as with many of my blogs has been lost in the flow of this snippet of self-appreciation. When you realise how impactful the little you do is to others, it matters less whether your kith and kin acknowledge you. If they eventually do, it is a bonus. If they never do, do not let your goals be defined by those who only see you in the past and have never moved beyond it.

Thought Picnic: Letting vulnerability lead to love

No path is straight

I have shied away from reading manuals about issues that require a lot more tailoring to situations and circumstances than prescription as a panacea to an issue. Now, for instance, I take my medical prescriptions religiously, the only tailoring involved is the time of day when I take my medicine, it has to suit my life, my lifestyle, and my work, not impeding function, purpose, or energy to perform.

Then I look at things like my career, life-changing decisions, and love, none of which have followed a trajectory or even example, every path has been uniquely individual and maybe different, or where similarities can be seen, there are many other factors that challenge the premise of imitation. In many cases, other people’s lives do not follow a template of lists or processes, individuality is an often frowned upon characteristic in some cultures, deviating from a norm can lead to ostracism and hence it modulates the tendency to conform.

Mistakes as lesson notes

On the matter of love, sadly, I find no immediate example of close or distant relations of the generation before mine who have laid out a promise of anything near perfect, however, a study of their situations has informed the need and desire not to fall into the same mistakes they made.

If it is not the power dynamics of dominance and submission, controlling the means of provision, conformity to traditions, expectations and requirements of culture, transitional states of contrived convenience, imposition by reason of responsibilities especially after procreation, or infidelities condoned even in the face of humiliation and embarrassment of the other, love has had a stranger than believable meaning to the participants. In the longer term, they have separated, regretted, fought, alienated, castigated, abused, or neglected each other.

It is case of uneasy détente as their offspring negotiate the minefields of animosity if they can deftly avoid becoming the grass on which the elephants get to fight to complete exhaustion and rise again to continue where they left off.

Learning what we can do

This is where much learning has to begin, in understanding what love really is and how it is manifest to us. To many, love is a strange esoteric thing, made aspirational in fairy tales that suggest living happily ever after, the fiction of an ideal rarely close to real life. We are imperfect beings seeking a more perfect relationship with those we are attracted to whilst making allowances for the fact that nothing is ever completely done, there is a process of growth and nurturing that needs committing to, for enduring fulfilment.

We probably know how to show and give love, from a place of understanding or out of making amends for bad experiences that appeared to suggest love when it never was that. The past can have damaged people irreparably that they seek succour in anything, accepting everything believing there is some sort of security even as they endure the totally untenable when they should walk, if not flee from their abuser who either knows no better or sees that flawed dynamic as the best expression of themselves.

Love is a process

In another song we are told, ‘Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.’ That is easier said than done, for knowing love, loving oneself and then getting the love you truly deserve could take a lifetime of failures and processes of elimination, the unlearning of things, the relearning of other things, along with a schooling of life with all its vicissitudes of good and bad fortune.

With our built-in survivor’s instinct, we look for ways to thrive in all areas of endeavour, a sense of independence, responsibility, self-awareness, and self-control sometimes denies you some elements of your humanity as vulnerability, weakness, infirmity, weakness, or incapacity, which are all part of the human experience. The superhuman may have many admirers but no friends or confidantes as we put ourselves outside the reach of those who can genuinely appreciate us fully and help us when our strength is not full.

Letting your vulnerability help you love

That is the more difficult part of the expression of love, knowing how to use it, knowing when to let go, appreciating when to give way or let be, and most of all being able to let yourself be loved like you should, purely, wholly, fully, unconditionally, and magnificently. You have to accept your vulnerability to be there and resist the temptation to instruct or construct barriers masquerading as understanding the depth from which love is shown to you and how it is expressed in word and in deed.

Like with nature, we need to become good fertile and watered ground in which the seeds of love can be sown to reap a bountiful harvest of the heart in full glow of a fairy tale that can only exist in the imagination of others. I can only wonder if we have the ability to rewrite our love stories when given the opportunity to work at it.

Showing courtesy to others' time

My time is not yours to usurp

It is a strange lack of awareness to see people who need something yet expect you to work around their agenda to fit their schedule, the demand on your own free time given no consideration and it is not about compensation, but just respect and courtesy.

In most of my computing career, I have been self-taught, I can understand that I could sometimes think aptitude, capacity, and curiosity are so widely distributed for anyone with sufficient discipline, determination, and drive to acquire the skill they need. Then again, I have my inadequacies and roadblocks, I work to overcome them even as the difficulties mount.

Then I am always available to help people especially on technical matters and to those I would hope a seed grows into a tree bearing more fruit. What I find difficult to help is the absence of growth over a period of time, and it is as noticeable as day is apart from night.

Hollow barrels of technology

I recall taking a taxi ride and the driver had a Mastering Windows NT 4.0 in a Month book as he suggested he will be joining us in the IT field very soon. Now, I had no idea of his abilities or ambition, but the prospect of earning £25 an hour in the late nineties had some appeal to many, they swotted the exams and snagged opportunities through agencies placing tyros without depth in companies that needed critical skills.

They never got their contracts renewed if they lasted the 3 months before destroying or breaking something. That is not to say I am faultless; I have done some seriously stupid things at work that should have walked me out of the door but for people who managed me to excuse them knowing they have had their own moments too and there was potential in me.

The number of times I fielded calls from people in panic clueless of what to do and when being guided never improved on what they have learnt. Sadly, they still exist and many of us slightly more knowledgeable as burdened with their inadequacies to help keep them in their jobs. The fact that the Internet is awash with solutions that anyone can find is they knew what they wanted to do and had the inkling to pursue it is beside the point, they never try nor understand.

My weekends are mine alone

I do not work weekends, I devote that time to my own development and life, I have constantly refused the urge for others to usurp my weekend time. In my 26 years of contracting, I have probably not worked more than 10 weekends even where the rate is double or triple the daily rate.

This situation was a mess from the start, he had bluffed his way into a role that was way beyond his capacity and so far, I can see no development or growth in the 5 or so hours of my weekend that were taken to address some issues months before. I also doubt the references for learning and development I gave were exhausted. I was annoyed and frustrated, but bit my tongue.

Earlier this week, he called to ask for some of my time and expertise in the weekend. I offered Saturday was doubtful about Sunday and asked questions about what we were to achieve. My responses when answered asked for the Sunday that was not available along with excuse that a hospital appointment, I was unaware of for the Saturday took longer than expected. At which point as demand for Monday was made to which I will not answer.

I am not here to help people who will not help themselves and take no consideration of others because they think their requirements and needs mean the world revolves around them. I will choose the time I am available just as I considerately work around the time others can offer me. A patsy, I am not.

Hair between us

Chins in array

In our morning chat, I said it was time for me to shave my facial hair as any growth beyond 5 days becomes an irritation, partly itchy and partly sore, it is quite uncomfortable for me as he thinks it looks distinguished on me.

Now, at last count he thought there were 7 whiskers billowing on his chin, his desire for a beard and sideburns sometimes does drive me to distraction but he does not need it at all. To dissuade him I have suggested hair grafts that would not survive offering the detail of outside of our conversation, yet he persists.

Scalps on display

Whether a blessing or some accident of nature, he grows a noticeable moustache and then nothing below the line of the two ends of his upper lip. On our heads, there is a different story, he has a full carpet of hair with distinctive highlights of artistic quality, I have male pattern baldness that behoves I shave it all off to keep my dignity.

Hair is probably a veritable test of contentment, if you can’t have the hair you want, love the hair you’ve got, the hair you don’t have, buy what you need or take it all off. I think the hair he has is beautiful, but that alone is an argument strumming the strands of frustration. He is going to scream when he reads this blog.

Thought Picnic: Considering the blessing of people in my life

Finding people of influence

I decided to review some of the handwritten notes I took with regards to the Deepak Chopra Creating Abundance: 21-Day Meditation Challenge. The exercise for Day 1 having completed Day 0 which was the invitation to consent participate was to make a list of 50 people who had influenced my life.

Blog - My thoughts on the Deepak Chopra 21-day Abundance Meditation

We were given the latitude to consider people living or dead, relatives, friends, celebrities, writers, and personalities who I might no9t necessarily know who might have influence and contributed to my growth and development.

It looked like a daunting task because at first, I did not think I would have 20 names, then I ended up with 54, comprised of lovers, friends, relations, managers, writers and religious people. I am surprised I had no performers, though some on the list were artists, and I could not find a distinctive identification related to professions, even though they all covered a broad spectrum of endeavour.

Why they each mattered

In listing keywords beside the names, I began from the last name listed through to the first, the first in the list was my boyfriend, Brian and then it radiated out of my immediate circle to different albeit significant influences. I had about 30 keywords distributed amongst the names, some having multiple keywords.

In my review today, I decided the count the occurrences of the keywords to assess the weights in the categories of influence listed. I found that Friendship came first, then Story, Teacher, and Opportunity shared the second place, the shared fifth place went to Mentorship and Leadership, the seventh places were Love, Generosity, and Adaptability, with the tenth places shared with Humility, Companionship, and Belief.

My friendships are significant

Now, this was not to rank the importance of each keyword because it would not tell any story in the proper context, yet, I do cherish Friendship, I was surprised I had that many in the categories of Mentorship and particularly Leadership as I am somewhat averse to concerted efforts to lead even though it is important in the management of people, their talents and towards certain objectives.

Love and Companionship obviously came from my lovers, the current who has the pride of place as first amongst others, yet, I maintain good friendships with most of my previous significant romantic relationships. I think some of the significant ways I have been influenced are not by direct instruction, but through observation, experience, and example.

The seeds they sowed in me

I love to stories, we are story people, I hope that I am teachable much I desire to be able to teach purposefully, and as I have been given many opportunities, I sometimes see an opportunity where it appears there is none and hope to present an opportunity for others to see prospects and well beyond themselves. The people who have believed in me gave me a world to explore well beyond what I could have imagined.

In all, the exercise probably allowed me to reflect on the different people who have entered my life at different times, some having gone, some forgotten and others enduring, everyone, regardless of the state of our relationship today needs to be cherished for I owe them all a debt of gratitude. In each of the people on that list, I find I can count a blessing in my life, naming them one by one and realise what I privilege it has been to be have been given the gift of these people to sow a seed of positive influence in my life, that grew into a tree of life.

Decade Blogs - Seun Fakuade - Groping in the Dark

Decade Blogs

Seun Fakuade is one of those young Nigerian thinkers that helps retain the faith I have in Nigeria when I left for Europe almost a quarter of a Century ago.

At the end of his write-up, Seun asks one question, “Will the best and brightest citizens rise or whine?”

I have watched how he has striven and struggled to make sense of the malaise that afflicts Nigeria and how he with like-minded people have joined up leveraging tools at their disposal to seek out solutions to its many problems.

There are people in Nigeria who have a higher calling beyond the corrupt and unconscionable kakistocracy of the ruling class that seems to have a vice-grip on the neck of Nigeria and I count Seun as one of such Nigerians.

His contribution to my #YourBlogOnMyBlog Series commemorating my Decade of Blogging closes 5 weeks of interesting insight from 35 remarkable people but opens up many questions about Nigeria’s future.

Blog - To Celebrate My Decade of Blogging

Whilst this is a long read, it is an essential and critical read too, it is about education in Nigeria, from the products entering the job market with literally no marketable skills, or even suffering from the consequences of strikes as explained by Chuba Ezekwesili’s contribution to this series to the powder-keg of over 10 million out of school children.

Blog - Decade Blogs - Chuba Ezekwesili - The Hidden Costs of University Strikes

No matter what the government parrots bandy about as statistics and gains, this is a disgrace and an emergency that has been put in the hands of garrulous political jobber – Nyesom Wike, the Minister of Education. His profile shows he has no pedigree or antecedents that qualify him for such a critical task, however, I must not write Seun’s blog.

‘Seun Fakuade blogs at www.seunfakze.wordpress.com; microblogs on Twitter with the @seunfakze handle, he is the founder, social entrepreneur and change advocate at Beacons Development Foundation; and is a business entrepreneur at Bedazzle Media. Contact him if you may at seunfakze@yahoo.com

Groping In The Dark

10 years. Wow. That is how long Akin has been blogging. When Akin writes, he leaves you with impressions: his literary expressions leave you awed at the vocabularies, his grammatical constructs and oft time – more confused while trying to make sense of all. In all, you just have to like him.

Self-deprecating, mingling, a definite sense of dignity, and all an understanding that one must follow before he leads. Akin is over 40, yet considers some of us decades before him as his comrades. That is humility if you ask me. Seeing that he has kept on blogging for 10 years is a jolt for me to take time away and resume blogging.

Egbon Akin, as I fondly refer to him, left me awed the first time we spoke on the phone: baritone voice, but with unmistaken command of the English letter, and an astounding grasp of issues. He called shortly after the #occupynigeria protest – one which had left most of us angry, irritated, confused, and even disappointed. After about 20 minutes, his compelling soothing words left me better than I initially was.

Nigeria is blessed with many men like Akin. One of such is Ade. He had picked me up twice at the airport: well built, soft-spoken, well mannered, and with a demeanor that shows refinement in all measures. I am quite observant, so the third time he picked me up, I was curious enough to ask him why he was a taxi driver despite his impeccable command of English.

Ade confirmed what I had suspected: he was a graduate who resorted to driving to make ends meet after three years of futile search. Since that day, I developed a more empathetic affection for him and I have always utilized his services anytime I don’t have family to pick me up. Ade, like many other jobless graduates, exists in many localities across states in Nigeria.

10 years. Long enough to juxtapose where we were in 1999 and where we are now. Long enough to ask “are we better off”? 10 years; enough to cast reflections on Nigeria and its myriad problems. 10 years, with the same challenges and new ones; with the same unsolved national problems despite monies spent.

10 years is enough to reflect on Nigeria’s torturous path to redemption, to escape from oblivion; enough time to find out if Nigeria’s democracy is worth it in the first instance. 10 years is more than enough to weigh our options; to consider as citizens what we must do if Nigeria as a nation must advance in growth and development; not just throwing around numbers and digits as measures of growth.

10 years. Sufficient time for me to see the widening disparity between the rich and poor, to see the growing unrest amongst the youthful population, to see children hawk more in growing numbers on our expressways, to see that nothing significant has changed regardless of the deceptive words thrown around by sycophants and growth propagandists – if you may.

10 years. Enough time to see Nigeria plunge from a steady and gradual path to redemption back to years of impunity and government-backed or sponsored corruption. 10 years has enabled us see politicians make promises that they won’t keep; seen years of waste in almost every sector of the Nigerian state.

Human Capital

You can determine where a nation is heading with its investment on the human capital of its people. Lee Kuan Yew, the founder of Singapore as Prime Minister steered the annual per capita income from $400 in 1959 to about an estimated $51,709 compared to Nigeria’s $1,555 (http://data.worldbank.org/indicator/NY.GDP.PCAP.CD). [Context: Four Asian Tigers (Wikipedia) The Economy of Singapore (Wikipedia)]

Yew believed that “the quality of a nation’s manpower resources is the single most important factor determining national competitiveness. It is the people’s innovativeness, entrepreneurship, team work, and their work ethic that gives them that sharp keen edge in competitiveness.”

Yew’s administration sustained an investment in the education of its young people, ensuring that the best and brightest of its citizens are sent to the world’s Ivy League schools each year; and re-absorbed into the country’s leadership (public offices) to steer change and utilize their human capital as fit.

Contrast that with Nigeria where public leaders are less interested in the future of the nation (as actions imply); less concerned about investment in education; and the education sector is riddled with years of cyclical union unrest (the University Union – ASUU – last week ended another 5 months strike that has become typical of administrations in Nigeria); rote learning, reductive and outdated curriculum and unmotivated tutors/teachers.

Nigeria, currently the world’s seventh most populous nation, is projected to be around 440 million in population by 2050, ultimately becoming the world’s third most populous nation. By 2050, 37 years from now, if Nigeria fails to develop its much-needed infrastructure and other capacities, the population explosion will overwhelm the dwindling resources available. http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2013/jun/13/nigeria-larger-population-us-2050

The hope for Nigeria lies in its young: the impressionable, malleable and bubbling population; as such, a clearly-focused leadership needs to pay due attention to building its capital through a rigorously policy-driven investment in world class education that will solve its present and future challenges. The capital investments in the past 5 years in education, have they been driven by sound accurate data that reflects what priorities and focus should be?

Skills mismatch contributes, in part, to the ridiculously high unemployment rates in Nigeria amongst young people: young ones are either studying what is not specific or tailored to their career path, or being taught by outdated methods/techniques in over-crowded classrooms; leaders are barely interested in sound solutions than they are in the transactional contracts in education; and unfortunately, citizens are rarely interested in the process so long as they obtain a certificate.

Every quarter, the National Youth Service Corps churns out about 72,000 new graduates (2,000 per state): half-baked, ill-equipped to contribute “meaningfully” to the economy or innovatively create jobs themselves as entrepreneurs!

Science and technological advancements in nations are brought about by innovations and entrepreneurial creativity driven by citizens/private sector; based on a solidly sound foundational cutting edge education. The lopsided policies, distorted leadership and unpatriotic greedy characters in Nigeria’s political leadership give no room for arresting Nigeria’s educational backlog of problems. The statistics weigh against a bright future.

Despite the 8% capital investment in the education sector (a shortcoming of UNESCO’s recommended 26%), it seems Nigeria is making no in-roads to solving most of its pressing challenges. The out-of-school tragedy in Nigeria validates my unsettling worries.

Aggressive investment in education backed by thorough sound policies has resulted in marked reduction in arresting the trend of out-of-school children across other regions and in other countries; seen remarkably in India and Ethiopia.

Why, in contrast, has Nigeria’s case being different?

Who enacts educational policy in Nigeria?

What data do they draw in from policy decisions?

Reaching Out Of School Children - UNESCO

The 10.6 million out-of-school children [PDF] population in Nigeria is highest in the world - the exact size of Tunisia as a nation, twice the size of Singapore as a nation. The socio-economic implications of these children in the next 10 years should be a great source of concern for all Nigerians. If resolved, viable individuals can transform the economy of Nigeria in no small measure, contribute meaningfully to their families and live a sustained vibrant community. If unresolved, high unemployment will result in more crimes, violence and terror cells to mention a few.

Nigeria has the most children without schools - BBC

Foreign aid in education has resulted in little or no progress as desired. If policies are meant to determine the appropriate investment, what specific data has education public servants been using to deduce their policies? It behooves on every patriotic citizen to call leaders to wake to the tragedy ahead. It is important that anyone who has the ears of decision-makers in education call them to the ticking time bomb the neglect in education will cause.

A nation with viable human capital has many advantages socially, economically and politically. Capital must be emphasized on, not only during political campaigns or with speeches and beautiful rhetoric but backed with accurate data alongside aggressive and measured actions. The leadership in Nigeria in the next 10 years has an unenviable job of fixing the rot, the problems and averting impending tragedies of the future.

The next 10 years will depend on active citizens who will make constant demands, participate and engage in the democratic process. Corruption thrives in an environment riddled with unaccountable leadership. An awakened and participatory citizenry is a guaranteed check for corrupt leadership.

To this end, it is essential that citizen voices are not silenced by any means, through legislative censure or otherwise. Censorship of dissenting but critical citizen voices is inimical to democratic growth. This is why the proposed intelligence surveillance on Nigerians by the Goodluck Jonathan administration is a threat to the expression of critical voices against all forms of corruption and impunity.

Nigeria has all the best human and natural resources needed to be the greatest country in the world IF the best and brightest people lead.

Will the best and brightest citizens rise or whine?

Truly, is there hope for true transformational growth and quantifiable development for the next 10 years?

Thought Picnic: The many umbilical cords to cut

Cutting the cord means survival

The first umbilical cord by nature and for the preservation of life needs to be cut at birth; it is the time when the newly born baby has to begin a life of reflexive independence to breathe on its own and to take in food usually in form of milk to thrive.

However, that umbilical cord is the easiest to cut, there are many more that bind us to our parents or guardians, our communities, our societies, our beliefs and much else which should when the fullness of time is come be cut or the birthed will suffer a form of death – a death of freedom, a death of expression, a death of happiness, a death of ambition, a death of hope – too many deaths whilst still alive and it might breed resentment, despair, rebellion or depression – it mimics the cycle of life.

The point in time

At the point when a baby stops being a foetus, that umbilical cord is cut; just as when a child stops being a baby, when an adolescent stops being a child or when an adult stops being an adolescent – that is would be the ideal path of growing up but it is rarely the case.

The responsibility relationship between guardian and ward is dynamic, between them the cutting of the umbilical cord is a function of age, individuality, expression, responsibility and sometimes success which could determine the leeway one will give the other to be better at what they are on the way to becoming.

The last cut

The most difficult umbilical cord to cut is that where the guardian has to accept that their ward has come of age, where the parent appreciates their child has become an adult and should be given the opportunity to learn their own lessons, live their own lives and chart their own courses.

Obviously, guidance and advice is useful but instruction and diktat is unhelpful; the atmosphere in which the child has been schooled in the home will however become the foundation of the confidence, the self-esteem, the determination and the drive that child has like it did when it ventured its first breath at birth and performed the first suckling reflex to take in food.

Taking places

At a point in time, the parent or guardian will have to be put in their place, not so much to be put down but to be respectfully made to understand that certain decisions are now out of their hands and their influence is at best advisory and nothing more.

Along the line, between agreement and conflict whilst growing up we also encounter the more difficult elements of gaining our individuality. Expectations are high, criticisms are rife and praise is rare, punishment is severe sometimes to the point of brutalisation and power is wielded with deathly omnipotence that it feels easier to walk through prison walls than extricate oneself from parental overreach.

Parents do overreach and in the process attempt to blackmail their children thinking their parental responsibility required of them by society to provide the basics of protection, food, shelter, clothing, education and good example is the fullest expression of love without accounting for the deeper emotional needs of the child which will never be met with things.

Tough love facts

We did not ask to be born, but we have been born and there should be more times in our lives that we are grateful to have been born, to have the parents we have had and to have had the care and affection that they have showered on us from when we were hopefully bundles of joy at birth through when they patiently tolerated with exasperation their inability to control the child who is still under their roofs.

However, we return to the matter of umbilical cords or in other parlance apron strings. Children are not clones they are unique personalities moulded by the environments in which they grow, interact, find safety, experience abuse, feel love, witness hate, find acceptance and know rejection – we are moulds of situation and circumstance that are subject to the casts provided by those whose responsibilities we were in our formative years.

The path to acceptance

The healthiest relationships between parent and child will only find fulfilment when they all channel the Kübler-Ross model, which first studied the five stages of grief.

Denial comes with the guardian not believing that the child has come of age, there is anger that the child is not conforming to expected norms, there is bargaining as to how to regain the best control and influence over the child, then depression coming with unfulfilled promise or sadness that a situation might have become a lost cause and then finally, acceptance – accepting who the child has become; an adult with their lives, their goals, their purpose and their own decisions.

The point of acceptance is when the parent begins to respect that child and honour that child with guidance and advice rather than instruction, coercion and blackmail – the healthiest relationships will bring better communication, deeper interaction, more happiness and a glad heart for that parent as they approach their waning years.

It’s you or them

If the parent will not wise up to that necessity, then the child will at a certain point in time have to be respectfully forthright, frank, direct, honest and true – they will eventually have to find words to say, “I want to be able to live my live as a person, unique, independent, fulfilled and appreciative of you out of recognition of who you have been in my life.”

Acceptance or frank expression on the side of the either the guardian or the ward is that umbilical cord cut for the relationship to thrive. If you have not cut it yet, consider how better things can be if that realisation first dawns on you and then you make them see the light.