Do not mistake me for a Nigerian

I am not your Nigerian

Sometimes, I am left frustrated by assumptions others have of me, the way elements of my expressed heritage seem to suggest I am wholly one thing to the exclusion of other aspects of my mixed identity.

In July last year, I ordered some food that was to be delivered at a certain time from a Nigerian food caterer, we conversed in Yoruba most of the time and it must have given her the impression that I had the stereotypical predilection for poor timekeeping. Nothing could be further from that presumption.

Timekeeping is a virtue

In one of our exchanges, I had to tell her, our familiar repartee should not be mistaken for me being a core Nigeria, I am nothing of the sort, I am an Englishman who just happens to be able to code-switch into Nigerian parlance with ease, but I am completely unreconstructed for the Nigerian way of doing things. On that issue of time alone, much as her food was exceedingly good, we would not be doing business ever again. Please, do not waste my time.

Then again, I find myself quite irked by another situation. This is a person not particularly enamoured of familial ties to be blackmailed into doing anything. I do what I need to do according to my own convenience and abilities dictated by my own worldview. Some might consider that harsh, but I am not here to please or pleasure anyone about the things I do, I just work to make the best of my expression of humanity.

Warming to growers

I have an acquaintance who I met when I was a superstar-technical-guru parachuted in to create a solution and move on. That stint for just over 4 weeks worked because the technical bud I was working with was knowledgeable enough to pick up what I was doing and run with it.

Obviously, it was nice to see a Nigerian trying to find his feet in the technical team, and so we kept in touch. This young man has now landed a role he is totally incapable of handling, he is out of his depth and apparently winging it with keeping things going but without the wherewithal to do anything new to implement or improve the service that is desperately in need of both the expertise and audacity to introduce change.

Disappointing engagements sour interest

Months ago, I was invited to have a look at the environment and in the process, it became and has become more evident that not only does he not know what to do, he cannot even follow detailed instructions to achieve what he needs done.

How am I supposed to be able to help this situation without going back to the fundamentals even as the prospect shows no agility, ability, aptitude, or capability of the growth necessary to give him control of his brief?

I do not work weekends, not if I can help it, in all my contracting life of over 25 years, I doubt I have done 20 weekend days of any work, and this is considering the rates are double or triple my usual rates. You need to set aside your weekend from work except where no other time can be found to do what needs doing. I have a life. Please, you have no hold on my time.

It’s my time, not yours, man

Altogether, I have probably spent 14 hours of my weekends doing stuff with this chap, the last time, I planned on just 90 minutes but on recognising what we had to do, we were still at it 6 hours on, until he had to break off to attend to some volunteer activity, priorities, I thought.

Since then, he has sought my time first to continue from where we left off and then suggesting he has progressed, which is fine, but I have had other plans and it has not been convenient for me to engage. I guess what is more annoying is the premise that he can choose the time I am to be available to help him, it is a kind of unwitting sense of unconscious entitlement that demands without consideration for the other. Please, do not abuse my time.

Things that move me

Now, I like to help, but I want to recognise that I am helpful in that the person being helped is growing and developing in the area where the help is being sought. I appreciate I have a wealth of knowledge that I also like to share with people that show the aptitude to learn, I guess that is the first part of my discomfiture.

Then, if you are asking for help, you have to tailor your request around how convenient it is for the ones you need help from, do not assume you have a call on their time as if they are waiting on your beck and call. We all have things to do and have to eke out our time for these things, even if I decide to spend the whole weekend sleeping, that is my prerogative fully dictated by me.

It is still my time

In this case, he does not ask when I can do stuff, he immediately thinks my Sunday is available, I have just decided to ignore him, and I am close to getting pissed off enough send him to Block-land. How do you teach that my apparent affinity to things Nigerian does not mean I acquiesce to the varied forms of passive-aggressive entitlement that allows the sense of kindred to expect anyone to just give in. Please, you cannot usurp my time.

I am hamstrung by my Englishness, for even finding a polite way to suggest I am unimpressed almost seems rude whichever way I might want to deliver it. He is best sent to Coventry, maybe some moderating effect can play out in the end.

Showing courtesy to others' time

My time is not yours to usurp

It is a strange lack of awareness to see people who need something yet expect you to work around their agenda to fit their schedule, the demand on your own free time given no consideration and it is not about compensation, but just respect and courtesy.

In most of my computing career, I have been self-taught, I can understand that I could sometimes think aptitude, capacity, and curiosity are so widely distributed for anyone with sufficient discipline, determination, and drive to acquire the skill they need. Then again, I have my inadequacies and roadblocks, I work to overcome them even as the difficulties mount.

Then I am always available to help people especially on technical matters and to those I would hope a seed grows into a tree bearing more fruit. What I find difficult to help is the absence of growth over a period of time, and it is as noticeable as day is apart from night.

Hollow barrels of technology

I recall taking a taxi ride and the driver had a Mastering Windows NT 4.0 in a Month book as he suggested he will be joining us in the IT field very soon. Now, I had no idea of his abilities or ambition, but the prospect of earning £25 an hour in the late nineties had some appeal to many, they swotted the exams and snagged opportunities through agencies placing tyros without depth in companies that needed critical skills.

They never got their contracts renewed if they lasted the 3 months before destroying or breaking something. That is not to say I am faultless; I have done some seriously stupid things at work that should have walked me out of the door but for people who managed me to excuse them knowing they have had their own moments too and there was potential in me.

The number of times I fielded calls from people in panic clueless of what to do and when being guided never improved on what they have learnt. Sadly, they still exist and many of us slightly more knowledgeable as burdened with their inadequacies to help keep them in their jobs. The fact that the Internet is awash with solutions that anyone can find is they knew what they wanted to do and had the inkling to pursue it is beside the point, they never try nor understand.

My weekends are mine alone

I do not work weekends, I devote that time to my own development and life, I have constantly refused the urge for others to usurp my weekend time. In my 26 years of contracting, I have probably not worked more than 10 weekends even where the rate is double or triple the daily rate.

This situation was a mess from the start, he had bluffed his way into a role that was way beyond his capacity and so far, I can see no development or growth in the 5 or so hours of my weekend that were taken to address some issues months before. I also doubt the references for learning and development I gave were exhausted. I was annoyed and frustrated, but bit my tongue.

Earlier this week, he called to ask for some of my time and expertise in the weekend. I offered Saturday was doubtful about Sunday and asked questions about what we were to achieve. My responses when answered asked for the Sunday that was not available along with excuse that a hospital appointment, I was unaware of for the Saturday took longer than expected. At which point as demand for Monday was made to which I will not answer.

I am not here to help people who will not help themselves and take no consideration of others because they think their requirements and needs mean the world revolves around them. I will choose the time I am available just as I considerately work around the time others can offer me. A patsy, I am not.

Cordially invited, my regrets

My weekends are mine

As we deliberated on getting a project through its critical stages to full deployment, a director suggested we would have to work 24 hours and weekends if necessary to meet our milestones.

I quickly interjected, that he could not demand my weekends at will, rather, he owed everyone the courtesy of ascertaining we were free for the weekend rather than assuming our lives were wedded to the job for the satisfaction of unrealistic project goals borne from bad project management.

Many faces went red, the daring challenge coming from a contractor-consultant left a few quivering as he answered back that I was employed for my time.

My time, is set for a week in hours, if you want more, you apply for more and if I have nothing planned, you will have that time. However, if I have something planned for my weekend and you think you can request my presence for a weekend on Thursday afternoon, well, my plans would not shift.

Some people have seen my attitude as uncooperative, with the shoe on the other foot, I see that attitude as a lack of consideration and blatantly disrespectful – anyway, the message was understood and courtesies came into the request for the presence of anyone in the team after then.

To put it another way, no boss is too big to be humane, considerate and courteous, no job pays enough to forfeit the commune that ensures your well-being and quality time with those that matter - if you are falling short of these issues, you desperately need a realignment of priorities, Pretty Damn Quick!

Such lessons do need to be taught to many more people who plan meetings without proper consideration for those being invited to their meetings.

The majesty of excellency

Only this afternoon (Thursday), my mailbox was slightly burdened with a cordial invitation for a meeting taking place on Saturday afternoon, with the gentle request to be punctual. The cheek! I would always be punctual if offered the opportunity of early communication. I don't do African time.

Obviously, I had to give the invitation a second look after being engaged in conversation with a very interested party, but that is all it got, a second look and nothing more.

Before, I close the matter, I would say in Europe we have clear agendas and planning which requires good publicity, good communication and managed feedback – all of which were lacking in this cordial invite.

If you want guests at a weekday evening meeting, consider giving at least a week’s notice, if you want to take a weekend evening, probably two or three weeks minimum allows for people to keep their agenda free.

That is not to say some people would not attend, especially if they are in the privileged presence of excellency which is not far off from majesty, but being a respecter of persons (tongue in cheek), I hope the message is crystal clear to those concerned.

My sincere regrets, Ma'am, but thanks for thinking about it, maybe some other time.

The Lounge

The Couple

As I sat in the lounge waiting for my train, I had made a cup of coffee when this person walked in with baggage and all hung a coat on the stand and sat to have a snack.

The concierge advised that food was not allowed in the lounge, which is a shame because airport lounges at least have free snacks; the ones in Germany have biscuits for the coffees.

Settling down, later on, another person walked in, they knew each other, they hugged and kissed as they shared the events of the day that just closed.

Their eyes radiant, they looked like very successful and busy people, the weekend away was probably time to spend quality time together.

They held hands, caressed each other – somewhere between preening and grooming, these were people into each other so much, any observer would see this was love.

They left hand-in-hand for the train soon afterwards, we all smiled – for those with partners they must have wished they had theirs to have and to hold – to those without, inaudible sighs about a life that could be.

Then to the strains of The Rose by Bette Midler, you realise that it is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

I learnt that the expression of love between people is theirs for each other; how they share it is nobody’s business if we concentrated on strengthening our own relationships rather than attacking others in the hope that ours might appear better.

A project for colourful analogy

Tautology of analogy

Somehow, I have become a master of analogies when it comes to understanding and explaining topics, ideas, issues or circumstances in my profession.

The project I am currently involved in is another classic in the many projects I have embarked upon where the salient lesson ends up being how not to do projects.

Interestingly, NaijaBlog highlighted issues with poor project management in Nigeria, but I can say that it is no better in Europe.

What is amazing is that we have professional project managers with Prince 2, Princess 3, Queen 4, King 5 and Emperor 6 project management qualifications but not an iota of genius has materialised from such great learning.

All sold on a whim

The first analogy stemmed from the situation where the project managers through their boss announced to their corporate community that they would deliver a product for live deployment in 2 weeks – no problem with that – however, if the project managers have not consulted their core resources, of which I was one, about that possibility, they would have sold a luxury car without having first seen the prototype.

I have read my CV over and over again, I have not found the words miracle or worker anywhere on the CV, in fact, this blog contains the first instance of those two words in such close proximity when talking of myself.

Then, there is the other part where it appears this project which is an activity of centralising and consolidating the business and resources to one country, there are many all around the place who have basically been deliberately sabotaging the project not to talk of the fact that there are so many chiefs in the canoe, not one space for the overworked Indian to row the boat.

Stunned at the sight of Medusa

However, this is the big picture, somehow, we all have paintbrushes with the mind that we are all together painting a figure whose name starts with M, some are expecting something serene, enduring and captivating like Mona Lisa; some are so clueless, they are making a Mess; some dare to fantasise and think it would be Marilyn Monroe with the air up her skirt, however, at the unveiling, we ended up with Medusa, such that we were shocked to stone – that is real-life project management as I have seen it in many enterprises.

My weekends are my weekends

In view of the poor project management and the atrocious impediments of staff that have thwarted every purpose we have tried to assert not to talk of the how 10-minute job have taken the best part of 10-hours with no resolution in sight, someone has the temerity to request my presence for the weekend – fat chance.

I rarely do weekends at work, not for the money not for the fun, my weekends are for myself especially if the whole week has milked 10 hour days – something has to give and what should give is a revelation of rotten project management and planning, more so, those who demand so many hours are out of the door before the clock chimes five.

Did I say that?

Twice, I have blurted out an expletive in utter exasperation bordering on apoplexy, how is it that these people just do not seem to look like the ordinary man in the street?

Joined-up thinking is just as rare as joined-up writing, though in spite of it all, I would deliver a product that is fit for purpose catering for my customer base which includes the users, the administrators and the enterprise.

I have another month of doing this stuff, the lesson would be well learnt – How not to do projects.