Adopting a healthy work regime after illness

Managing oneself back to work

My return to work after extended sick leave, was not structured or phased, because I did not plunge straight back into the work activities before my leave. Considering I worked through my radiotherapy treatment and for a month afterwards, despite the fatigue and sometimes-overwhelming side effects, I put in the hours, the time, and the effort to meet my obligations.

However, there was a point when I needed more support beyond living alone at home, along with a proper rest period to really recover. This led me to undertake the long journey to Cape Town for the care Brian could provide that was beneficial for my recovery.

I eventually spoke with an occupational health professional, who suggested we adjust the work schedule on the parameters of volume, pace, and complexity. I was comfortable with handling complexity; I was ready for that challenge. However, managing volume and pace was something I had to learn through engagement.

Handling pressure before feeling overwhelmed

Implicit in this approach was a sense of pressure; the way urgencies, priorities, and dependencies demanded more from me to meet deadlines, often without the usual flexibility that would involve discussing the reasonableness with relevant stakeholders.

There was one occasion when an architect, discovering that a crucial piece of work—on which the entire deployment depended—had fallen through the cracks, suddenly created a lot of pressure on me, with the message that everything would pause if I didn't find a solution.

At that moment, I felt like a giant had stepped on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Recognising this reaction, I pushed back at once, saying that we would proceed methodically, and I would not shoulder the pressure caused by this oversight.

At that time, I informed my line manager, not seeking support, but making him aware that the whole issue could escalate because of my resistance to quick fixes.

This architect then committed a clear faux pas by suggesting he entertain my concerns because he didn't want me to cut corners. That was a stance I was never going to let slip. I don’t cut corners; I am a 37-year IT professional. No one at the conference dared intervene; the message was crystal clear.

Maintaining control on your own terms

With the space and time, I was able to find the right elements needed to resolve the problem, and we implemented a solution within 90 minutes. Exercising autonomy without letting pace be dictated by either my own failings or others’ is essential.

Despite modulating elements of my return to work, I find myself in the office for 9 to 12 hours, sometimes more. I tend to get absorbed in a situation, aiming to resolve, manage, or finish the task before I leave for home.

This occurs alongside lingering side effects such as urinary incontinence, bowel urgency, and nightly insomnia. The insomnia, I manage by sleeping as much as I can on weekends. Things are not perfect, but I am finding better ways to cope than before.

In terms of occupational health, I simply wanted awareness about side effects, fatigue, and hospital appointments. Beyond that, I believe I am meeting and surpassing my aims and goals, but I also need to be smart about it.

Childhood: And we were sent away

Parental Angst Versus Child Welfare

I observed two news stories from afar until I found myself commenting on a Facebook post, to which the author suggested my comment should be an essay.

Previously, I had written about my parents’ decision to send me to secondary boarding school after the cloistered bubble of an international primary school education. I will not dwell on that matter, but there are many facets to not being born and raised within the traditions, culture, and lands of one’s parents’ birth.

Blog - Childhood: When Parents Think They Know Best

For that, there was a term coined: Third-Culture Kids. This comes with many connotations, including the conflicts of environments, the anxiety and angst of our parents, the issues of not finding belonging in any place, and all the attendant psychological challenges that are somewhat ignored because our parents assume time will eventually resolve things and make everything work.

Send Them Home to Learn 

What bothers ethnic minority parents today is what might happen to their kids in the UK, where I am somewhat more familiar with the situation, and in the Americas. The tendency among parents who have the means is to extricate their kids from abroad and place them in the sometimes-harsh environments of their home countries, usually in West Africa, where they hope to address the lapses in discipline, educational attainment, purpose, and character that they have observed in or around their children.

Recently, a child took his parents to court to compel them to return him to the UK after he was apparently deceived into going to Ghana to see a sick relative. We all have variations of the same plot. He lost his case, the judge empathising but ultimately siding with the parents. [BBC News: Son Loses Case Against Parents Over Move to Africa]

Continuing with the narrative, some men have come forward to share their own stories about being sent home and how, in hindsight, it saved them. It probably did save all of us, one way or the other. However, it is never comfortable during that absence from what the kids call home. [BBC News: I Was Duped Into Leaving London for School in Ghana - But It Saved Me]

Before I share my comment, many kids have been brought up in the UK and the US and have thrived; this is great credit to their parents and communities that nurtured them. All these stories need to be told.

My Facebook Comment 

I suppose this is another aspect of split upbringing that is rarely discussed.

We returned to Nigeria when I was hardly six years old; however, because I was with my parents, I had the pleasure of attending primary schools filled with foreign-looking but Nigerian-born schoolmates, while many of us black kids were foreign-born.

It was the secondary boarding experience that was brutal, but I survived, despite the lasting scars of that environment.

You eventually become streetwise without losing the kind of daring that some people regularly said we Ajebotas [Kids who eat bread and butter rather than local fare; a pejorative term for lacking experience in local customs.] have.

The longstanding benefit of my early education and experiences in Nigeria meant building resilience, grit, and, mostly, self-esteem, while retaining the precocity I always had.

Upon my return to the UK, my blackness was always a part of me; no one could racially abuse me and get the upper hand, as I had a better retort, coupled with wit.

Escaping the race and deprivation politics of the inner cities and suburbs, which would have found me in Walsall and Birmingham in the 1970s and well into the 1980s, meant I never had the sometimes-invisible baggage or chip-on-the-shoulder that affected ethnic minority kids who never left.

I left Nigeria with just an OND and built an IT career that was earning top rates by the mid-1990s, before the extraordinary fortune of being invited to pursue a master’s degree after providing a character reference for a friend.

Moreover, unlike the scolding in Nigeria that implied one wouldn’t amount to anything and spurred you on, in England at that time, it was a limit on your horizons, pushing you towards low achievement and menial roles.

My parents left after qualifying in their respective professions; even though my dad placed third overall in his accountancy finals, his colleagues suggested that they never thought he was that bright, instead of congratulating him on his success.

I assume they both decided that the England of Enoch Powell, whom my father once challenged in a pub, was not a suitable place for them or for their boy—and the children that came after me.

Now, each experience is different; I cannot suggest that any of these actions are in the best interests of any child, but having the agency to intervene when you see things going awry is a privilege of opportunity that many do not have.

I even had my own personal intervention; after a relationship breakup in 1999 left me lost and listless, I packed my bags and started anew in the Netherlands, where I remained for almost 13 years.

Our parents mean well; whether they were right is another conversation altogether.

I cannot argue against being immersed in a totally different culture; it presents opportunities that we often fail to fully appreciate until later in life, as the men have suggested in the article.

Can you abandon your experience for the extraordinary?

Learning to trust beyond experiences

I sometimes consider my situation with amusement, for I had yesterday said Sunday might well be a day of rest. I cannot say it became the day of expected rest for in the morning I made for church after a night the tracker said was better, but I appeared to struggle through trying to get more sleep beyond vivid dreams.

The message at church was based on trust and being saved from situations and disaster as depicted in the narration where the disciples saw Jesus walking on water in the middle of a stormy sea. The majority of disciples being fishermen would have known the reality of stormy seas. Small boats at the mercy of billowing waves, the fishermen caught between life and death, terrified at their helplessness. [Romans 10:5-15 (NKJV)][Matthew 14:22-33 (NKJV)]

Beyond that, even if the fishermen were strong and able swimmers, it is doubtful that when hit by a storm they’ll just jump in the water and swim to shore and safety. Besides, they might also know other fishermen that would have perished at sea without trace lost forever in the deep as a lingering memory of the dangers of their trade.

Don’t let it be too strange

It is in this context that they saw a man, the man Jesus walking on water and obviously from their experience at sea would immediately think it impossible and suppose they were seeing a spirit. Their being tossed about in their boat was compounded by the fear of the incomprehensible.

It is then that Jesus said, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” Yes, he told them, and of the many translations, I like the God’s Word Translation the best, "Calm down! It's me. Don't be afraid!" [BibleHub: Matthew 14:27]

It was as if Jesus was saying He knew they had never experienced this before and it was time for them to experience the incredible and add it to their wealth of personal experience and the full recognition of his authority on earth. You could not have witnessed this and remained the same afterwards.

How our experiences rob us of the divine

Whilst they were busy processing that information, Peter said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” To which Jesus simply said, “Come!”. At the point Peter did step off the boat with all his fisherman experience in the middle of a stormy sea and walked on water towards Jesus. Until it dawned on him, fishermen don’t walk on water and he began to sink.

We can agree he was far enough from the boat not to grab it and near enough to Jesus when he cried from help and Jesus stretched out his hand to catch him, they both walked back to the boat, and the storm ceased.

For all the additional perspectives to add to this situation, there is one evident thing, your worldly experience limits your ability to experience the wonder and power of God. Then, if you do go against every knowledge you have to listen to and act on the one-word command of Come, you will experience the power of God and when your personal experience begins to cloud that godly experience, you only have cried out to be saved and brought to safety, whether you have little or great faith.

For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” [BibleGateway: Romans 10:13]

That was the depth and beauty of the sermon in church today

Essential Snobbery 101: Anticipated Consideration

A window on our world

This morning, as I got on the train to work, I was offered a view on society that had brought expectations and personality into focus.

Expectations of others and the personality of people, both of myself and the other person involved in the incident. It got me thinking about how things are changing and why some things have come to stay.

Feet off

The schoolboy who could be no more than 12 years old was sitting on a 3-seater, his bag and classical musical instrument case occupying the whole space, and then he had his shod feet on the seat in front of him.

Nothing particularly annoys me as much as people who put their feet on seats, especially where there are clear signs that feet should not be put on seats. Besides, even if they do take their feet off the seats, it is not like they make an effort to clean off the dirt they might have put on those seats.

So, I motioned with my cane and intensified that with a scowl for him to take his feet off the seat. I brushed it off and took my seat. Hardly a minute after that, he decided it was too much for him, so he moved to another seat in the train carriage.

As he settled in that seat, I said to him, putting his feet on the seat was anti-social behaviour, and it was important that he knew that, even if he did not like the fact that it was being pointed out to him.

Anticipated consideration

Yet, in that little encounter was a whole set of narratives. A public school-educated boy who had exercised a sense of entitlement in a public space without what I might call ‘anticipated consideration’ and, when challenged, expressed rebellious dissent by moving away.

Anticipated consideration is when, as in this case, you know that you do not put your feet on seats others might want to use, and you do not occupy more seats than you have paid to occupy, especially when the train or vehicle is still at a major boarding port, like a terminal train station. It is having consideration for others long before it is demanded of you to consider and adjust.

Rebellious dissent, however, is the case where, rather than acknowledge that you are wrong with contriteness and apology, you take evasive action to avoid proximity with the challenger of your behaviour.

The fear of challenge

I dare say, we now live in a society where, sadly, many young people will not brook any scolding or correction, and those who dare challenge bad behaviour run the risk of coming to harm by such people lashing out in aggravated resentment. We have a delicate balance to manage between wanting right and yet being fearful of demanding things be done right.

The question is, if as a society we, for the fear of retribution, maintain silence rather than challenge anti-social behaviour, what kind of society will we have?

The other nuanced narrative is in assumptions and appearances, as this young man was a day student at a public school in Hale, there are general expectations of behaviour and conduct. Whilst entitlement is drilled into their psyche, comportment has a particular importance because it moderates behaviour in polite society and defines the quality of integrity, which is what you do when nobody is watching.

Maybe I was a bit harsh

Much as I would like to explore this further, it is best left for now, because it will reflect on not just the school, but on the parenting too. Suffice it to say that having a classical instrument case does not necessarily suggest one has class or has been schooled in the decorum that pertains to performing for sophisticated audiences.

On my part, I thought about my attitude to anticipated consideration and my acceptance of the inconvenience of rebuke when I have been wrong, and I might have been a tad sterner with the schoolboy because he could easily have been one of my youngest sons.

When I was his age, I would never have done what he did, and surely, as another black man, yes, we shared the same racial profile, we are a lot better behaved than this, especially if we have the benefit of a privileged education.

Thought Picnic: Pushing beyond the difficult things

For the third time

In the weekend, I was out to my third viewing of the Imitation Game. There is something about that story which even if it somewhat deviates from the reality has come core lessons, at least for me.

Much as I knew how the story developed, it still felt like I was watching it for the first time and I really had no time to explain to my friend why I had a notepad and was taking notes during the film.

However, as the plot thickened, I found myself taking notes quite different from the notes I took at the second viewing of the film.

The making of men

As the film depicts, Alan Turing had an uphill task getting his ideas across, beyond bureaucracy and officialdom to realisation. His tenacity where many would have been frustrated and have given up is something that led to a number of questions I scribbled into my notepad in the dimly lit cinema theatre.

• When you are up against it, how do you retain the confidence that what you believe is right and true?
• What gives a man the courage of his convictions?
• What gives a man the will to fight against the odds no matter how they are stacked against him?
• What does it take to rethink a strategy when much has been invested in a solution that does not appear to work?

Challenges we face

These are questions we have probably never asked ourselves but we have lived and experienced through striving, determination, faith and much else, to come out on the side of the good answers and success.

For the many challenges I have faced in my life, probably the cancer diagnosis of just over 5 years ago with the possibility that I only had 5 long weeks to live if the treatment did not take, was the hardest.

Yet, having celebrated my 6 birthday after this episode in my life, I feel that something in my personality, my character, my beliefs, my persuasion and my relationships took me from the toughest and seemingly insurmountable issues of life and death to a new lease of life.

A necessity for hope

Most important to our journey of life is the necessity of hope, that ability to see beyond the clouds and know that in the daytime it is always sunny, even if the sun is obscured by the clouds. We must know as nature teaches us that no matter how long the night might be, the day will surely come.

Our hope must be measured with a clear perspective too, an understanding of where we are, what our priorities are, what our goals are and what we need to do to retain purpose and expectation.

We need a grounding, a foundation, something that gives substance to our expectations through work we have done before in study, in vocation, in experience, in knowledge or some broader development of our human nature.

In other words, we should be wary of the draw of vacuous optimism founded on myths and delusions like building castles in the air. Be taught, be mentored, read, learn and be open to things well outside your comfort zone, so that when the going gets tough, you are tough enough to get going.

Thought Picnic: For all that

Beyond that

There was a week when confusion and chaos reigned that fed into a week where confidence surged creating a sense of contentment.

Happy was the feeling and restful was the night, because thoughts and dreams were not occupied with the what’s, the how’s, the why’s and the where’s.

Above that

Such is the sense of fulfilment that almost sets you up for new challenges or other possibilities.

In essence, I try not to cross my bridges until I am at the bridge, because one can only prepare for so much, anticipate an eventuality or appreciate so much of the reality of a situation, without foreknowledge or prescience.

Imagine that

The reality when you see the bridge, hear the roar of water coursing the gorge ahead an below or the freshness of the air is sometimes different from imagined or considered.

This is where the ability to adapt and respond effectively is the result of experience and the presence of initiative. Sometimes it is just sheer luck, raw providence or unexpected provenance that colludes to make all the pieces fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle.

Thankful that

In all, you are grateful that the end of one challenge opens the way for a new one as lessons are learnt for now and posterity.

Thought Picnic: Catching my breath

Reassessing the situation

A bit of quiet is the essential for rest and recovery, this being in blogging and other things that tend to occupy yet not distract.

However, one must not be given to recidivism and lethargy, there is much to do, much to achieve and much more to be thankful for.

The month past was to one from one engagement to another, the beginning of new relationships and a rediscovery of self in matter whether one once blazed a trail of lasting activity praised long after one had departed.

Challenges around

Between the continuous and the chequered, to a point there was the former and in the recent times there reigns the latter whilst demands are made for sainthood in issues where one for life and issues is just human. A journey difficult but truthfully told might be insufficient, it is all one can do.

Besides, we rehashed, refreshed and upgraded, at least that is what took up most of yesterday where one walk brought profit and the longer walk was just fruitless. That desire to be revisited elsewhere.

In these times one is inconvenienced by some radical changes one encounters, everything traditional, unusual, unique and useful seems to have disappeared from the shops, they are only to be found online and delivery becomes a difficulty if where you are is far from where you say you stay.

Life and changes

Immediacy is lost to expectancy trimmed by doubt as to whether what one desires is what would be delivered.

All sensuality has been lost to relative virtuality, you are spoilt for choice presented on screen but abstraction is game of dreamy reality as we elevate trust to the pantheon of escrow systems, this technological civilisation makes the experience more plastic than it is human.

The honest truth is, I hate this, but this is where the world is at and one has to adapt to this change as it begins to dominate all things.

Yet, in all, opportunity and means becomes the empowerment of desire and attainment for which one must first be thankful and never blind to those who cannot for every reason reasonable and unreasonable.

Walk away!

I have learnt to walk away from many things that the lesser of me would want to do and I am much better for it.

Walk away!

Walk away!
Walk away from a fight,
Walk away from conflict,
Walk away from hurt,
Walk away from dispute,
Walk away to love.

Walk away!
Walk away from pain,
Walk away from loss,
Walk away from jail,
Walk away from despair,
Walk away to love.

Walk away!
Walk away from offence,
Walk away from pride,
Walk away from glitter,
Walk away from greed,
Walk away to love.

Walk away!
Walk away from memories,
Walk away from the past,
Walk away from your failings,
Walk away from nightmares,
Walk away to love.

Walk away!
Walk away from shame,
Walk away from guilt,
Walk away from blame,
Walk away from inferiority,
Walk away to love.

Thought Picnic: Challenging your destiny

It is not set in stone

As I watched television this evening, the NCIS episode came to an end and just before the credits rolled, I heard the words below:

“Anyone can achieve their fullest potential, who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny cannot be changed, but it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.” - Martin Heidegger [Quotes]

This quote is complete as written and it provides ample material for meditation. What really jumped out at me from these words was this - Your destiny cannot be changed, but it can be challenged.

Under constant review

I presume we probably will never get a full vision or description of our destinies, but we are constantly challenging where we are for re-evaluation, reassessment, readjustment and realignment.

As we find that old ideas and tricks lose their efficacy in tackling new challenges, we must find the resource and means to reinvent ourselves, renew our minds, reform our perspectives and recognise the need to change.

Overcoming issues

This constant work of rediscovery and self-discovery is the wonder of our evolutionary growth in life and many other endeavours; we must however carry the greatest responsibility to discover where your intellectual arrogance is causing disabling ignorance and do well to overcome it, this is advice that Peter Drucker gave on the matter of managing oneself.

We all need to take the time out to manage our expectations and our reality whilst charting a course to new goals and for greater achievement. It is a challenge, and it is fun.