Thought Picnic: The Couch Did Not Recline

In the beginning

My meeting with the clinical psychologist started slowly, she had some notes with her taken from previous discussions with other staff but now we had to elicit from the detail the particular, the critical and the general.

My tale which has a trigger in 2002 but brought catastrophic devastation to the world I once knew in the year 2009 with precipitous consequences that trail my survival like a comet in the night sky was once again engaging.

I do not present a demeanour that belies my battle weary existence as other issues loom with the urgency of an emergency which in the right hands can be resolved once they are fully understood.

A whale of a tale

We walked the timeline line of decline, disease, diagnosis, drugs, debt, deprivation, destitution, desperation, depression and death. The summation of disaster that had become the story of life and then the promise of progress and promotion held in the fragility of hopes dashed and rekindled for new change.

We did speak of death because it signalled an understanding of frailty and vulnerability made too palpable by the passing of my partner just 5 days after I left hospital, my voice broke for a moment but the tear ducts kept their waters.

Emergent and urgent

Critically, what we need is new accommodation, some sustenance and then a job, I need to tap into support systems with the help of my medical team and other ancillary staff – there are possibilities.

As the session drew to an end with a preliminary assessment that I did not present any of the classic mental health symptoms, we agreed that one issue that I need to address is one of anticipation, preparation and pre-emption of circumstances requiring urgent and emergency redress.

I guess I have live for the day for too long, I need to consider longer time-spans. That is much food for thought before a whole set of appointments and meetings next week.

Therapy is good and having professional help in that area is always useful.

Thought Picnic: An island, I am not, I call to be heard

No man is an island, entire of itself;

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main;

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,

As well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were;

Any man's death diminishes me,

Because I am involved in mankind,

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee.

Excerpted from Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions - MEDITATION XVII - John Donne

I live amongst many

I have in no way experienced the myriad of illnesses, misfortune or adversity that John Donne suffered in his lifetime, but his words speak to me as of someone whose wisdom and manner of words are a deep well of resourceful material in understanding our mankind.

Much as I have striven to live a very independent life to the point to pretending to some sort of unique individuality, I have by reason and by circumstance come to know that no man is an island.

The help beyond I

No, for the things I have seen and the things I have known have come with interaction, be it knowledge that I gain daily from things to improve my skills to other sources of communal interaction that thrive more in the virtual space than in human-to-human contact.

However, I live today because a part of the main, in prayer, in medical help, in support from others have sustained me beyond where the strength I bring to bear on any situation is exhausted.

I hope that when help is required of me, I will be both resourced and willing to stand with another as they have stood with me through thick and thin.

The death of reason

For any man’s death diminished me, for we must strive to prevent what is preventable that the fellowship we have might not be extinguished by forces beyond our control.

It is not so much the death at the end of life that bothers me as the death of reason, the death of the reasonable and the death of reasonableness. For where we have disagreed, we must strive never to be disagreeable and where our beliefs have been at variance we must respect where we stand to accommodate the fact that we cannot all believe the same.

Allow me my thoughts

My thinking might be judged absurd but spare me a moment for I might have not reached the destination you are at and if the vehicle of persuasion cannot move in the direction where you want me to be, I might have taken a different road leading to another place.

We are on a journey where there are very few stops and many things in motion, we go forwards, we go backwards and might get knocked sideways but are rarely stationary. It is the life in motion until the day the bell tolls.

Talk to someone

And on that day when it all seems to end, may the relationships you have built over a lifetime – long or short, be an enduring memory that you once walked the earth, a part of our shared humanity, elated by the living of others as you have been diminished by the death of some.

For no man is an island, marooned from the essence of our humankind. We must talk to each other of our joys and our pains because the eyes of another might well see the things that have blinded us in the maelstrom of circumstances that swirl around us.

Thought Picnic: If you lived my life, what will you do?

A typical ethereal tiff

I woke up this morning from an altogether strange but not unusual dream, which involved a shouting match with my mother where I bluntly told her she was not invited to my funeral.

Shocking as this might seem, too many unresolved conflicts between my parents and I play themselves out in my dreams with a regularity that has become the norm, though this vision was a bit scarier by reason of the fact that I could see myself wasting away, everyone seemingly aware that a certain time was drawing near.

Changes for a new perspective

Now, I am under no illusions about my health, it is as fine as it can be but after cancer, there are no assurances of tomorrow but the day you are in to make the best of what you have, whilst you have it and enjoy life.

The transfer of my medical care is also underway from the Netherlands through a brief stint in Wales to London where a battery of tests have been conducted but I will not be any wiser of the results until my appointment next week, I will be meeting my new consultant and we will be having a chat as to what the bloods have to say this time.

Bloods away

I walked into the hospital and within minutes the phlebotomist called me in, asked for my date of birth and turning to the keyboard punched in some information to retrieve data indicating what other tests need to be run, I took the opportunity to step on the weighing scales, I have not lost much, I think, probably 4kg and that is not due to any strenuous exercise.

I gave 4 vials of blood and then I asked to speak to someone about psychological and social support. We sometimes forget that beyond addressing physical health after a life-threatening disease, there are serious adjustment issues that follow requiring a more professional angle than positive thinking, stoicism and a stiff upper lip, believe me, I have got lots of those three, but one needs to know when to ask for help – it is not a sign of weakness, it is just an expression of deep humanity.

Don’t worry about it

A nurse I spoke to almost 2 months ago came out to chat to me asking about the help I needed, I told her about my seeking new employment, my pending homelessness – well that is not for another week and other concerns.

I say concerns, not worries because I have learnt over times of almost debilitating adversity that worry solves nothing, it holds no magic wand of sudden change to the prevailing circumstances, rather it opens wide the doors for stress and that opens wider gates to other more serious health problems – I know I’ve had my share of those, I need no new ones – thank you.

No, I am not worried, I could be anxious but I cannot dwell on that, what I do is consider what new useful advice I can get and keep my chin up, as every day presents itself both as a struggle and as a victory, life could be better but it is not bad.

Miscellaneous matters

As if to read my mind, the nurse observing my furrowed brow despite the beaming smile was intimated of the fact that I have not really been eating well, not for the lack of an appetite but for other reasons. In short order, I will be seeing a psychologist, then a support network and finally my new medical consultant.

She has assured me that if all those meetings fail to address the prevailing and long term issues, whatever they are doing to help their patients would have to be up for review.

If…

As to whether I am suicidal, you have got to be kidding, I love life and I live it to the full, when I have plenty and when I have nothing.

One small matter of getting nourishment beckons but choices desert me. Here’s to life and here’s to joy, even when it seems there is nothing to celebrate, there is much to celebrate still.

I sometimes wonder, if another one lived my life in the realities I have experienced, what will they do? I will like to hear their story, I might just be doing something wrong.

Nigeria: The Sweet Smell of Money is also the Bitter Taste of Stolen

Preaching the gospel of controversy

Once again a religious establishment with a sprawling business empire and an overly charismatic leader whose hubris will rival the extreme arrogance exhibited by Lucifer in the times of old is embroiled in controversy.

In fact, it appears to find myriad ways to court notoriety and be a ready receptacle for opprobrium and worse within its temple halls where violence and indifference have found expression and in the tertiary institution on its grounds that runs like a glorified secondary school.

In the case of indifference, about two years on, the child that was kidnapped from the crèche has now been reunited with its parents and that is wonderful news, a great cause for celebration more for the parents than for how it appeared the victims were treated without care or due consideration when the event occurred.

The tithe of writhe

However, now, it is another looming crisis that will determine what the character of that establishment represents.

An army tribunal recently found that one of their own had embezzled funds and as a ‘good’ Christian in church but a corrupt official beyond the temple walls had contributed the tithe into the coffers of the church in the sum of NGN 11 million ($68,497).

Now, because the majority of the moneyed in Nigeria who generally have no entrepreneurial sources of income nor are they speculators in the stock market to the extent of carting off with the bank, one can only suppose their unaudited sources of wealth have been corruptly acquired through degrees of fraudulent activity from simple influence peddling through to blatant thievery by embezzlement.

Due anywhere but right

The churches usually ask no questions because their moral compass has long lost its magnetism that once pointed due north to honest, prudent, righteous and reputable conduct to the libation of the Mammon ensconced on a throne where the sacred and most holy altar used to be.

Obviously, the church might well say they received donations and offerings in good faith, but that is the standard to which we view the secular world at which point the law might suggest the receiving party is a handler of stolen goods.

Again, it might well be a case of a mistaken and misdirected investigation, but the sleuthhounds have followed the scent of the money to pockets that might well include the collection buckets of that church. Lord have mercy.

What will they do?

If the church as it hopes to stand in the strictest moral rectitude is to maintain its integrity, it should require no persuasion to move everything possible temporal and spiritual to extricate themselves from this rotten embarrassment too foul for words to express in its odium and repugnance by returning the moneys paid with interest to the army with a loud display of the moralist dogma they preach at others but sometimes fail to observe for themselves.

One expects that this will be the case, but with an establishment literally inured to criticism, we might just have another thing to whip them with, God knows these people are gluttons for punishment, turning the other cheek with the rapidity of a lathe when convenient and acting like fiery rabid Rottweilers at other times, we’ll be red meat before we could scamper to safety. Run!

The UK: My Serious Concerns About HIV Home-Testing Kits

Deep concerns about this

On reading a news item HIV Home-Testing Kits: Law Change Proposed, I found myself seriously concerned about this development that there is need for a debate as what this means for the UK.

As it stands, The HIV Testing Kits and Services Regulations 1992 prohibits the sale or supply of kits to members of the public who are not in the business of providing services as regulated under the following laws - the National Health Service Act 1977(1), or the National Health Service (Scotland) Act 1978(2) or the Health and Personal Social Services Order (Northern Ireland) Order 1972(3).

Fundamentally, I think it is a good thing that HIV testing be regulated and kept within the ambit of the law where the usage of kits will have a proper chain of custody from purveyor to deploying the tests for whosoever might need it whilst guaranteeing the elements of anonymity, privacy, secrecy and confidentiality having made the person fully aware of the implications of taking an HIV test.

One-sided views

My concerns are even more palpable when the foremost HIV/AIDS charity, the Terrence Higgins Trust celebrates this news on their Facebook Page having lobbied for this change in the law which in terms includes a possible conflict of interest by reason of the fact that they also provide HIV Postal Tests by blood sampling leveraging mobile telephony tools to provide results to gay men and Africans living in the UK.

The following quotes in that news story seem to have really good intentions but leave many questions unanswered:

“I hope that by removing the ban on self-testing kits people will be able to choose the right time and right surroundings to take a test and, if positive, help them get the best treatment available.” Public Health Minister Anna Soubry.

“People deserve to have a choice about how and where they test for HIV and proper regulation will make self-testing a safe and supported option for many more people across the country.” Lisa Power, policy director at Terrence Higgins Trust.

“We know that some people are already buying poor quality self-testing kits online from overseas which is why we have campaigned for a change in the law.” Deborah Jack, chief executive of the National AIDS Trust.

Hardly addresses the matter fully

I can relate to the sentiments expressed by these three significant HIV/AIDS specialists but offering choices and options is just half the story, I see nothing in these statements that provide safeguards against misuse or abuse when it becomes open-season for the unregulated and the public to acquire HIV test kits and use without restraint to elicit information that would have been protected in a more professional and organised setting.

Last year, Bisi Alimi, the renowned HIV/AIDS activist and human rights campaigner touched on a significant element of self-testing that goes beyond choice and control in this piece for the Guardian - An HIV home testing kit won't give you emotional support.

If we were to be honest with ourselves, the HIV home testing kit is not the equivalent of a pregnancy test, the results of both might well be life-changing but the beyond teenaged pregnancies and pregnancies by reason of the violation of the person, society is more accepting of the news of someone expecting, it is something you announce to as many as are close to you and well-wishers, it is not something you do for an HIV test result that proves positive for the many issues that it brings into the life and the immediate community of that person.

An unsatisfactory response

I engaged a number of activists, support workers and specialists in this field on Twitter before I decided to post a comment on the Terrence Higgins Trust – Facebook Page about my concerns, which appear below.

They did respond but I found their answers unsatisfactory laden with bloated organisational speak rather than the expected nimble adaptation responsive to the serious and real concerns that should be their core competence.

I posted a second comment, clarifying the fact that I am not against self-testing per se, but if there are no safeguards against the abuse people who might be coerced, compelled or put under duress by those with influence to take such tests outside a properly regulated framework, the consequences can be dire for those concerns.

It is not enough to say there are laws that safeguard abuse and protect the abused, if there are no immediate means to prevent and challenge overreach by the unscrupulous engaged in unconscionable activity, the damage would have been done long before redress can be sought, if ever it gets to that stage, by which time criminality has gained the edge of impunity just because those we have expected to ensure protection have prioritised choice and control over the duty of care, concern and compassion to play around with HIV infection and detection rate statistics at the expense of real people.

Safeguards or nothing

The law might well be abrogated, but we must not allow for this to be done without ensuring that the least, the powerless, the defenseless, the vulnerable, the helpless, the unfortunate and the disabled are adequately protected to pre-empt egress and abuse – that in the least should be the prime directive of any self-respecting HIV/AIDS organisation in the UK that considers humanity and human rights above all else and it is not too much to expect the Terrence Higgins Trust to be the greatest advocate to safeguard and protect before control and choice.

My Facebook Comment to the Terrence Higgins Trust

Akin Akintayo >> I think there are serious social and cultural ramifications for having HIV Home-Testing Kits beyond the idea that this puts control in the hands of people to determine how and where they want to be tested.

Having a HIV diagnosis is best managed in a professional setting, whilst it might be likely that those who discover their status might seek medical attention, there is no guarantee that they will, if they do not sink into mental depression and other issues in tying to handle the result outside of counselling environments.

An HIV self-test is in no way equivalent to a pregnancy test, the social ramifications of having a pregnancy test are hardly grave apart from in socially compromised settings like in teenaged pregnancies or those resulting from abuse.

In other settings, just as virginity tests are abused to violate women, I could see instances where these tests are administered under duress by those with influence over the tested, the consequences of which might be dire and grave.

I worry that this drive is being aimed at statistics rather when this is fundamentally beyond numbers to people and the way they exist within their communities along with the social dynamics that run within those communities.

Beyond home-testing, it just fills one with trepidation that some on discovering their status outside of medical supervision might also find ways to self-medicate by importing medicines from abroad and yet not know the progression of the disease in their system - their hubris in having such control might make them even greater vectors of the disease to the unwary - that will be unacceptable.

I will say again that THT should concentrate on persuading people to go for tests where they will have control, privacy, confidentiality and full protection of the law away from undue coercion and duress exacted by those who have undue influence over the lives of the people who need to test.

It is the harder part of your job, but at the same time it is the noblest part of your charitable activities if you chart this course.

Thank you.

Their response

Terrence Higgins Trust >> Thanks for your comment, Akin. We will continue encouraging people to test for HIV in the way that is most appropriate for them - GUM, community clinics, home sampling and - once established and properly regulated - self-testing. We believe all of these approaches have a role to play, and people have the right to decide for themselves how they want to test.

My second comment – awaiting a response

Akin Akintayo >> I appreciate the seemingly overarching view that "people have the right to decide for themselves how they want to test" the issue is how have you mitigated for the possible abuse, misuse, duress and coercion that I highlighted in my original comment and how will such people be protected?

Fundamentally, I am not against self-testing, per se, but I see no considered and detailed safeguards that makes this direction safe for those it might be imposed upon who will not have ready access to the essential legal protections in the immediacy of when they are abused.

There are social consequences and they must not be ignored to the point that whatever course is taken appears dogmatic.

Nigeria: Advice to the Second Nigerian Astronaut

Rattling the wrong cages

I have been amused by the news of Nigeria planning to put the first man in space in 2015 with the help of the British government.

As it transpired the village-rag right-wing tabloid press represented by the Daily Wail, or rather the Daily Mail has jumbled truth with raw sentiment to beat up both the British Coalition Government and corrupt Nigerians with the idea that development aid fuels the lavish lifestyles of the unaudited sources of wealth of Nigerians who have bought up pricey real estate in London and around the globe jetting around on their private aeroplanes.

The Guardian also addressed the matter of UK immigration policy as it affects innocent Nigerians compared to corrupt but rich Nigerians who have access to all areas where money can talk in the United Kingdom before the writer lost the plot – it is becoming too hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Choosing the right person

Others have addressed the errors of those flagrantly false opinions that have allowed sensationalism to get in the way of decent informative journalism. Hey! They need the circulation figures and the advertisement revenue.

In any case, I wonder if the first Nigerian to enjoy the selection for space travel is gender neutral, there is no reason why the first person of Nigerian birth and probably training should not be a female scientist who could be as equal in ability, knowledge, prowess and opportunity as any other male – a first Nigerian can be either and it does not have to be a man.

However, as we debate amongst ourselves about who should be the first to be launched into space and that programme should begin soon if we are to make that 2015 date, I have it on good authority that Nigerian talent has reached out to global knowledge that one of us has already been to space many decades before.

Our first astronaut

In fact, he has been twice, first in 1979 on a secret Soviet mission and then in 1989 on a second mission before the Soviet Union disintegrated and this led to drastic cuts in the Russian space programme. [Nigerian Astronaut – Lost in space]

Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde is apparently the first Nigerian to go into orbit and unfortunately, since 1989 he remains in orbit and the only reason why we know about him is because his cousin, Dr. Bakare Tunde has been soliciting the help of foreigners to filch away the emoluments and entitlements of his marooned cousin drifting around the earth, still alive and well in orbital distress.

Setting things right

In this age of whistle-blowers, who would have thought that the supposed first Nigerian to be sent to space is in fact the second Nigerian? And we have not had the heart all this while to retrieve our dear heroic countryman from space.

It begs the question whether the next person to be sent into space will not be abandoned there too like Major Abacha Tunde.

My advice to the next Nigerian astronaut is to set up a trust that properly bequeaths all entitlements and insurance pay-outs if required to the beneficiaries they intend so no rotten heartless cousin has the temerity to corruptly enrich themselves at their expense.

More importantly, we must as a matter of urgency bring Major Abacha Tunde back home, dead or alive, and accord him full national honours for doing our great Nigeria proud.

Thought Picnic: In the mists of the lost

Masts of mists

The thoughts wander marooned in the wildernesses of the mind, wells of knowledge and memory too deep to draw from that stretch to the limits of imagination only constrained by active engagement of the senses.

There have been good times and there have been bad times, they interweave and interleave with each other in recurrent clockwork motion as if there is a continued certainty that each time will have its time. The hour hand crawling through the bad times just as it races through the good times.

For he has walked the mountain tops and strode the plains, just as he has found his paths traversing the deep valleys under the gloom and dullness of life overcast by the sometimes terrifying shadow of death. Life cannot ebb out yet.

Lists of losts

Yet, it is life that he lives, not uncommon to many but precipitous and rocketing like the undulating frenetic adrenalin producing roller coaster given a name to strike fear in the hearts of those who drink lion’s blood for tea.

The day seems long, the future seems short, the hopes begin to fade and the hunger is all the more palpable because it was once three, then two and now one from dawn to dusk with the hope that ursine hibernation sets in to make it last until the next when the little left will do a little more.

For where is he a year on from that day, not much further, not much better, not much having, very much roaming and just another excavated mine of memories from which minerals are have been exhausted, he is faint in body but strong in mind and all he knows to do is bare his soul.