Essential Snobbery 101: In the class of contentment

On a borrowed height

One Sunday morning in the mid-1970s, I asked our houseboy, a man in all respects and a servant in our household, if I could wear his new platform shoes to church. I had feet big enough to fill the shoes, and I was only 9 years old. He obliged willingly.

That morning, we attended church. I looked quite fashionably attired in a suit and borrowed shoes, but my mother frowned on this presentation. In broad terms, we were not brought up to keep up with the Joneses, and definitely not to extend ourselves beyond our means; contentment mattered because it also moderated behaviour.

Grins within your means

Yet, it was a lesson that took a long while to learn, one that meant aspiration should not be inspired by covetousness. How others looked is how they have decided to look, and hopefully without extending themselves unreasonably to make that appearance.

As children, we were rarely attired in trendy things; we were neat and presentable enough, and that was just enough to help us beyond needing to compare ourselves with others. The legacy of that for me is that I have my own style, the way I choose to look, rarely acquisitive or ostentatious, but well turned out.

Effortless class is affordable

More importantly, I am not instructed to change anything by reason of what others do; the material is acquired as needed. If one can stretch a bit more for quality and durability, it could also pass for effortless class without unnecessary vulgarity. For instance, wearing a good suit to work ends up being more affordable than casual clothes, and it appears sophisticated too.

I accessorise with a day cravat, a hat is just chic, my walking cane is a tad expensive and very well made, the shoes should also meet the mark of clean, polished, sturdy, maybe fashionable, but not loud and showy. You make an impression without having to make the tabloids. I guess I have learnt not to be embarrassed or ashamed about being different, it takes being quite comfortable in your own skin and the choices you have made to feel that way.

And I laughed like Sarah

A diversion from destination

About coincidences, I would err on the side of the uncanny, or what would I attribute an encounter I had this evening to? My walk was to take me all the way to River Mersey and Chorlton Water Park, just about 9 kilometres in all until I came to a standstill where the police and fire engines had sealed off the main road that I had to take a detour.

When I first started my walks almost a year ago, I did circuits around Alexandra Park, that it came to mind, when I returned home to pick up a notepad and pen, was interesting, but it was not my direction of travel. As it transpired, my detour led to Alexandra Park and walked into the park and took a seat on a bench.

A nod and a greeting

I made a few phone calls and played a couple of Sudoku games on my mobile phone before I got up to return home, first needing to dispose of some litter in a bin. To my left as I walked up the wide path, an older black man nodded in acknowledgement towards me before I answered back and then he suggested he might have met me somewhere. I could not say.

He asked if I was Nigerian, I responded my parents were and he volunteered he was Nigerian, from the West, from Abeokuta. I had visited Abeokuta twice as my father used to work at a brewery that had offices there. One of those visits allowed a tour of Olumo Rock.

I laughed like Sarah

Typically, he asked if I had a wife to which I answered I have not been blessed with that kind of companionship and I have learnt to be content with the situation I am in. It was at that point that he averred that to God nothing is impossible. I intoned, he made me laugh like Sarah. This referring to a biblical story where Sarah the childless wife of the patriarch Abraham was promised a child in her old age within the year. She laughed at the incredulity of it, she did eventually give birth to Isaac. [BibleHub: Genesis 18:12]

The conversation continued, on the theme of the omnipotence of God with verses from Jeremiah, the Psalms, the book of Job, and the epistle of Paul to the Ephesians. This was interspersed with testimonies of success, inspiration, and ideas for progress in his life.

He had many stories

He was a career soldier who diversified into poultry business, suffered a failed first marriage yet got introduced to his second wife by his first and through his new wife’s British citizenship, he shuttles between Nigeria and the United Kingdom, pastoring a church in both countries. His repartee was engaging whilst serious and meaningful too. A good deal of it was in Yoruba.

I am wary of being proselytised and avoid the prospect of ritual, I have done too many from childhood into adolescence, but much of what he shared would be useful for meditation and consideration. We ended with a moment of prayer before asked to show me his wife’s store on the main road and after walking together a few hundred yards, he veered off towards his home as I did mine.

To laugh like Sarah

To laugh like Sarah is not so much an expression of disbelief but one measures a current situation against a promised outcome that literally seems impossible, yet, it is put in the scheme of things as possible, if you dare to consider it. To laugh like Sarah is to prepare yourself for something good, something long longed for that you might have now given up on it. To laugh like Sarah is to begin to write a different story in anticipation of the transformation from the ordinary into the extraordinary.

To banish all my fears and realise my hopes with my wildest dreams coming into a reality I could not begin to imagine. There will be much to laugh about, the laughter of joy, the laughter of goodness, the laughter of the miraculous, the laughter of gratitude. We can all begin to laugh like Sarah when we are told what we thought can never be is just about to happen. I am laughing like Sarah.

Then walking barefoot meant nothing at all

Let me tell a story

Contentment, they say is a state of happiness and satisfaction, we normally see in the context of being happy with what you have or rather what you have got. Maybe, it is more than that, sometimes, I cannot tell. For what you have got may not mean that much and what you have you might not have placed value on to begin to treasure it as a great possession, it is all contained in the mystery of contentment.

To some and to myself I have so admonished to a sense of gratitude that if I cannot have what I want, I should love and cherish what I have got. It is not about setting one’s sights low and or the lack of ambition. Some pursuits lead to exhaustion and unfulfilled dreams, big as the dreams may be.

The wisdom of the ancients

For we all have the woes and adversity that becomes the defining things of our storied existence, then set against the tale of another, our suffering in all the ways that it affected us, is small in comparison.

Whilst, watching the military investigation television series NCIS, there was an episode I had watched some years ago that I appeared on that occasion to have missed hearing an aphorism that led me down the search for its provenance until it brought me to the wisdom of the ancients, having passed through many attributions including that of Helen Keller took me to 13^th Century Persia and a moment of deep reflection inspiring this blog.

The little is great indeed

“I never lamented about the vicissitudes of time or complained of the turns of fortune except on the occasion when I was barefooted and unable to procure slippers. But when I entered the great mosque of Kufah with a sore heart and beheld a man without feet I offered thanks to the bounty of God, consoled myself for my want of shoes and recited:

A roast fowl is to the sight of a satiated man
Less valuable than a blade of fresh grass on the table
And to him who has no means nor power
A burnt turnip is a roasted fowl.”

Sheikh Muslih-uddin Sa'di Shirazi [Gulistan of Sa'di: Chapter III Story 19]

A paraphrase of the above quote in all its context is attributed to Helen Keller as “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

Touched by amazing lives

I was in primary school when I learnt about Helen Keller, she had only been gone 6 years, another story that had such a profound effect on my impressionable mind was that of John Brown, the abolitionist, and who can forget the Harpers Ferry raid and the marching song with the refrain, His soul is marching on? But I digress.

For years, I mourned the loss of love; for he had died, and then I realised, I was alive to love again. In the same vein, for the pain, I have felt and the many sorrows indeed, the greatest thing about being alive is the spirit of hope and possibility, for in whatever situation we might be in, opportunity abounds for gratitude and thankfulness, when we count our blessings, naming them one by one, and that is what contentment is all about. The wisdom of the ancients is indeed timeless.

Looking like I do, happily

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Of weight and form

For a man my age, I am pretty much comfortable in my own skin, in my identity and generally in the way I express myself. Yet, I do suffer from middle-aged angst about my body, I obsess about my weight even though my doctors would prefer I maintain the weight I have considering I lost 25% of my body weight when I had cancer 10 years ago.

I probably would be happier with myself if I lost a few kilograms. That, along with middle-aged spread that can plague you if you are not committed to an exercise and fitness regime. A gym membership languishes with monthly extractions from my account, the gym in my apartment block has not seen a visit in aeons and the swimming pool that gives my the yearning to learn to swim, leaves me with the best of intentions, good intentions, but intentions do not keep you fit.

FaceApp on WhatsApp

Then with the fantasy of desire and probably the means to acquire, I was visited with a remodelling of my face, a full beard that is attractive to someone but a complete irritation to me. Five days after shaving, every pore of the nascent beard growth is itching stimulus receptacle asking a tug, a pull or a scratch, it is only assuaged with a shave, a good clean close shave with 2 days for my skin to heal.

What I could be in the imagination of FaceApp and none look the least attractive to me.

It drives me to distraction; I would rather I had no beard as I did not even start growing one that responded to shaving until I was in my 30s.

There is much else I could change, male pattern baldness with a dusty brown Caucasian wig as bangs. I know of no other male in my immediate family that has this condition, but when I saw that I was losing the hair, I did not agonise about it, I took it all off especially after watching a film of people with a snake oil remedy for hair growth inject people with hair loss issues with a serum that grew their hair at unbelievable speeds, until it became clear that they were being used as hosts for aggressive follicular snakes. [Body Bags – Wikipedia]

All the makeup MAC can make

Maybe there are things I would have liked to change, my teeth, the front two which I lost in a childhood wheelbarrow game and the stories that follow. It is somewhat unsightly, but I am not that self-conscious about these things, I have faced more life-threatening situations than the absence of a complete set of fitted mandibles and maxilla. I could tamper with my nose and fiddle with my ears, but I would no more be who I am after all that.

Blog - Childhood: Defanged by Misadventure

Then I think of the girl with her boyfriend in the video of TLC’s Unpretty, he was not happy with her as a person, he wanted her to have bigger boobs and persuaded her enough to feel so inadequate that she contemplated cosmetic surgery until it dawned on her that she was just good as she was.

I don’t feel unpretty

The battles we fight in our heads where people who are naturally beautiful get to the point of thinking something is so wrong with their looks that after rounds of plastic surgery, they become grotesque caricatures of their former selves and bizarrely contented with the butchery of their bodies.

I pray I never have to suffer that level of psychological discontent leading to the physiological hacking away of my natural features. I have lost a few teeth, had a crown or two inserted, but for everything else, I am blessed with much more than I have ever been grateful for. No, I don’t feel unpretty, I love my body, I could do much more to be fitter.

Thought Picnic: Working to get to who we are and loving it

Accepting our humanity

Aspects of self-development require accepting the totality of who we are by appreciating we are human first and from that great potential abounds.

Yet we go through times of personal turmoil racked with the burden of guilt leading to condemnation.

It is a long journey of realisation beyond the regrets and self-flagellation to reach a point where you will not condemn yourself in the things you have allowed.

Allowances for foolishness

We allow many things to be and cannot live on trying to undo the silly, foolish, stupid and sometimes reprehensible things we practice, entertain, endure or tolerate.

Being creatures of habit, some habits die hard, but if we refuse to be defined by our weaknesses we can also work to ensure we are not defiled by our strengths too.

To get contentment

We grow to accommodate who we are as able and capable of changes we desire whilst being cognisant of the things we cannot change for the lack of will, drive or strength.

If we call on a greater power to help us become different, the question then arises about whether we have reached the peace of contentment or are still striving for something that takes away from our happiness.

Decade Blogs - Ayo Oyalowo - What exactly are we looking for?

Decade Blogs

I feared this, that in my various introductions to the blogs posted to commemorate my Decade of Blogging there would be someone with whom I have a relationship and yet I would draw a blank as to what particularly brought us together.

Blog - To Celebrate My Decade of Blogging

Suffice it to say that Ayo Oyalowo and I have followed each other on Twitter for a long time and there is much that has transpired between us and so many topics from Nigeria to the issues of life. His incisive articles and analysis of Nigerian political issues on various forums shared on Twitter are very engaging and thought-provoking.

In the piece that he writes for my #YourBlogOnMyBlog Series, he asks questions about the rat race we call life and how to live from day to day in times of satisfaction, contentment, hedonism, keeping up with the Joneses and then come back to our stark reality.

I guess I have over the last few years written a lot about these issues too and for that reason, I think this blog allows us to reflect deeply and hopefully learn some lessons about putting a better perspective on the particular and the general.

Ayo Oyalowo has interests in many life issues, he works as a financial analyst, but comments on politics and life generally. He tweets with the Twitter handle @Ayourb.

What exactly are we looking for?

It is that season again. Christmas is in the air, you can feel it, can't you? We all can feel it and almost touch it. Harmattan, dust, hazy weather and dryness all over. Our own version of white Christmas is the white fine dust blowing all over us. The children are ready to join in as the schools are on holidays. Gifts must be purchased, new dresses for the children, toys, amusement parks etc.

Christmas is a great time of the year that almost everybody looks forward to. But as I move around in Lagos I ask myself “to what end and intent is our daily toil and struggles?” The average Lagosian will bear witness to the hellish traffic we've been experiencing in the past few weeks. A journey of 30 minutes could end up becoming a 3-hour torturous ride or more. Especially going to the Island (Lagos or Victoria Islands) during the day or returning in the evenings. Terribly long lines of vehicles of every shapes and sizes meandering through the ubiquitous dusty Lagos roads, with commuters looking forlorn and worn-out. It is a rat race.

Added to the traffic is the upsurge in violent crime. I have a credible report of people who have been and are daily being mugged inside their vehicles or otherwise as they are trapped in the regular but infamous traffic and are mere sitting ducks. We've been trained to wind up our glasses and pin down our car doors, but I have it on good authority that the boys at Apapa don't bother looking for a careless motorist who forgot to wind up their side window, they simply break your side window and "obtain" you.

These set of crooks are those who have not arrived during the year but must travel to their various villages and towns in December to show there folks that "I don hammer" a slang for have not made it financially. Meanwhile in our usual ways, nobody bothers to ask how they "hammer". As long as they are generous. Most of the stolen money will be spent on riotous and irresponsible living for about two weeks until the first week of the New Year when they all arrive back to Lagos from their various villages and towns to begin another 11 months struggle, and the cycle continues.

I also consider the rest of us who are not necessarily petty criminals and violent robbers. I see people struggling to be who they are not. Many planning expensive getaways outside the shores of our land so that they can display pictures and mementoes to their less fortunate neighbours and acquaintances. After all, we are Nigerians, and we are the happiest people even if you can't see any tangible reasons why we are such pronounced.

Ah! Christmas is a great time to reflect and plan for the incoming year after taking stock of the outgoing year. Let us ensure to spend wisely and within limits. Remember the children resume schools in the second week of January and schools fees... yeah that small matter of school fees payments, DSTV subscription, house rents renewal, annual street dues, and several other bills.

Life's good isn't it…  Enjoy your Christmas holidays, but reflect on my rants ... while at it, ask yourself, to what intent and purpose is our various life's struggles?

This is to celebrate Mr. Akin Akintayo's ten years in blogging, wishing you many more years of blogging and positive contribution to humanity. A great man I must add and also be ready to host me next year when I visit the UK. Have a blast people.