Beaten to the first

Perturbed

I missed an opportunity to capture the anxiety of people on this day but one thing that jumped at me without reading the story was just as imaginable as it was improbable.

The Vatican has become embroiled in morass of clerical child abuse cover-ups that at the weekend the Pope attempted bluster over amelioration by indicating that he would not be hounded over the claims that he did not deal decisively with priests under him who had been accused of the abuse of minors.

Diffident

Now, it would be unconscionable of myself to ever suggest that there was a bit of hubris in the somewhat unchristian of attitude of a church lead by the Vicar of Christ to recognise that the issue is hardly about errant priests but about justice for victims which should include succour for their pain exemplified by a touch stance against child abuse.

Fundamentally, it seems the church considers these sexual "sins" moral issues rather than societal criminal acts which need to be passed on to civil authorities rather than mollified with in the clergy.

Trying to reach the priesthood with that very fact of criminality along with the emotional and other consequential damages to the welfare of the victim has been hard and nigh on impossible but activism and outrage from outside the church.

Disturbed

So, who would not have thought it true when I read this morning that the gathering storm of discontent with the attitude of the church had lead to an unsustainable confidence in leadership that in the quest for all that is good natured and Christianly for the sake of grace and peace - the Pope, Benedictus XVI, the Vicar of Christ and the Bishop of Rome had resigned.

We can be thankful that the first 12 hours of April the first are given to us to ponder the imponderable, excite controversy and offer opinions too atrocious to contemplate - but sometimes, you do wish the news was really the news.

One reality remains for today, every occurrence of this day, many happy returns to she who was born this day.

Only till noon and no further

So rapid a folly

As we fulminate and castigate the rebranding Nigeria exercise the invisible website of the Nigeria: Good People, Great Nation campaign makes a disappearance worthy of the greatest magic trick and truly this day must it be found in our deepest imaginary thoughts as we are taken on a subliminal journey of no particular destination. Good dreams, Great fantasies.

Success has come, President Go-Slow has moved into the fast lane and the power crises has left people crying for joy as the turbines in Kainji roar into patriotic action and deliver power 25/8 non-stop to the oil lantern burning in my village in Ogun State. Good power, Great darkness.

O for a play, Sir

The militants have joined the campaign and rebranded themselves; Good militants, Great commotion the Delta in the region has now become mathematical, it is the difference between the haves and the have-nots, but the ex-military generals have been demoted to captains of oil boats, maybe it is a case of Good oil, Great slipperiness.

No doubt, we have to cut down the rate of maternal mortality, indeed we do, so the House of Assembly has diverted its gaze from the issue of gay marriage that sailed through the legislature unanimously that Bishop Akinola even blessed the first couple to be joined in unholy matrimony; their attention is on promulgating a law to ban pregnancies altogether, condoms should worn on the ring finger. Good marriage, Great barrenness.

Yaps fail drool

Meanwhile, in recognition of the hard times and contrition for their hedonism, the Redeemed Christian Church organization decided on the side of great charity to donate the services of their newly acquired aircraft to the services of airlift the asylum seekers who have many a time drowned in the Mediterranean Sea. It is just so unAfrican to travel by rickety boat, fly instead. Good plane, Great airs.

Since they have landing rights all around the world, they can also take the message of Nigeria’s great rebranding to the global village and proclaim the new rich Nigerian clergy; One would abide no gay and the other would levitate from clay. Good show, Great buffoonery.

Is a day for poll

Just as America is beginning to consider the lesser dominance of the Dollar, the Naira is becoming the reserve currency of Africa and Nigeria has just been invited to the G-21 meeting, you could have fooled me; I thought it was the G-20. Good G-20, Great G-21

The brand Nigeria is getting better than Aspirin for pain, the Hoover for cleaning, The Kelvinator for coolness and Google for a search of the right way to do things – I am almost impressed, but hey! Wasn’t the ex-President put on trial the other day on hard talk as he explored all the potentials that Nigeria had to be a rich country, a prosperous country, a leading country and a democratic country? Good country, Great potential.

Proofs lay laid

No mention is made of corruption because the EFCC has wiped it would with a few arrests and fines, elections count because the INEC produces the numbers, and 419 letters have gone one better, they are now 420 and you must finish reading the letters before 4:30.

Did I say the President has moved into the fast lane? Well, he now has 4 kidneys – read this all before noon. Anagrams are pain.

Prescience or premonition

April blues day

Somehow, I could not be bothered about writing a long April Fool's mock-up for my readers' entertainment this year, I was not that inspired.

However, noticing that someone had been tugging at my entry last year, I returned to read what I had put up.

I would not call myself prescient but I probably can claim credit for predicting the resignation of John Bolton.

Bolton Bolts

The least celebrated and most controversial appointment in George W. Bush's tenure has handed in his resignation having not been able to persuade the UN Security Council of the need impose sanctions on Iran.

There probably were signs that this would have happened anyway, but this was still 7 months before the mid-term elections and this would not have happened if the Republicans had swept the Congress, which they did not.

Before, I start receiving calls about fortune-telling, my crystal ball has gone for repairs, the only tea leaves I am interested in are Fortnum & Mason's Earl Grey blend, I don't do palms that do not have exquisitely manicured fingers all augmented with crude plastic surgery and if you look into your eyes - well, really, I am not that interested.

The prediction - Bolton Bolts.

The coming to pass - Bolton Bolts.

All before noon and not after

Bolton Bolts

The least celebrated and most controversial appointment in George W. Bush’s tenure has handed in his resignation having not been able to persuade the UN Security Council of the need impose sanctions on Iran.

As it transpired, Iran already has its nuclear weapons and in what might seems like a sick joke; Iran not having a Bikini Atoll or some remote Nevada desert has been conducting nuclear tests underground resulting in the increased seismic activity of earth movement and collateral damage.

It begins to make sense why Americans have been allowed to participate in relief efforts that might reveal a lot more than the suffering of the people.

Osama lives in Omaha

Another development sees Osama bin Laden who has acquired both a new identity and is under Interpol witness protection about to blow his cover.

This is because whilst we have been informed that he is a frail man needing dialysis in the mountains of Tora Bora, he is in fact hale and hearty in America enjoying the pleasures of the good life of a multi-millionaire, well especially if you have shares in Beckshire Hathaway.

This is because he was instrumental in creating a presidency of seriously big government from a conservative party which has through the events of September the eleventh been able to pre-occupy us with a war on terror and abrogate every liberty, freedom and right we fought for over the Twentieth Century subsuming it to the need for national security and enforcing it through patriotism.

The new powwow

It would have been impossible to imagine that a president of George W. Bush’s calibre in 2000 would have been able to pull off a feat of untrammelled executive power without the concerted liaison with Osama bin Laden.

It is no wonder now, that more people than lost their lives or got injured in the twin towers have been recorded in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Blowing his cover now would completely upset the balance of power, history and the New World Order. However, who would not acquiesce to this temptation just as Iraq seeks a new leader in Osama bin Laden, whilst the Washington Post and Fox TV have linked up with two Deep Throats with evidence to make the markets go up in a frenzy of agitated abandon.

Euro Bureau rejects cheap dollar

This is not helped by the fact that the great budget deficit is beginning to impact on the balance of trade such that Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Iran and Venezuela has decided to trade their oil in Euros, abandoning the dollar in such a way that China now has to devalue the Yuan to maintain global competitiveness.

The Congress is apoplectic with rage but powerless to act as a few senior senators and representatives were caught on camera protecting the Southern border from invading Mexicans by shooting them in the river as they crossed.

After noon, it is all over

Well, if we really did have a new world order, it would be over by noon.

However, beyond noon, in another life, I would have been a godfather and my goddaughter would be four today.

Happy Birthday dear and to others – It is only April Fool’s day.