Monday 4 June 2007

Beyoncé: Her thighs could throttle a buffalo

Dressed up as naked

I am no fan of Beyoncé, in fact, when she came to perform in Amsterdam a few years ago there was a big poster just outside my block and she clothed in the most expensive non-dress I have ever seen, a string of diamonds - the Emperor's New Clothes would have given her more covering than was she had on.

It transpires Beyoncé is on a UK tour and her first date was at the NEC Birmingham on the 1st of June 2007.

Michael Deacon - he would be quoted liberally in this piece and I acknowledge his inspiration for this piece - lets the ink flow from supposing hip-hip is being replaced by a musical genre called Indie - "the Texan bravely battles obsolescence the only way pop knows how: by spending stupendous sums of money", he says, and goes on the describe the dress as a glittering silver gown and the background is a Niagara of lights.

The performance extraordinaire

She starts off with Crazy In Love as every song is brash, ballsy, brassy - amazing how she gallops about the stage - "given that her stilettos are so tall, she must need a stepladder to climb into them" - You tell me.

These two paragraphs had me giggling into the paper as I read -

She changes clothes every five songs. The changes don't take long, presumably because none of the outfits features much material. But then, it would take a fair amount of material to encase a body as curvaceous as Beyoncé's.

She's at least 65 per cent bottom. Her thighs could throttle a buffalo.

He faults Beyoncé's pronunciation of Birmingham as sounding like a brand of sliced meat and as the show ends the credits roll on for eternity to include the names of the 20 bus and truck drivers.

I suppose that is all you can get for a courtesy ticket to a Beyoncé concert as the reviewer convinces himself that Indie does have a big fight on their hands.

As for me, a free ticket with VIP trimmings might help me find time to feast my eyes the thang that would out-vibrate any adult toy, no matter the speed - I'm all Crazy in Love so suddenly - NOT!

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