Thought Picnic: Hold back reflex as you reflect for love

Moments to reflect

A teaching moment, a humbling moment, an understanding moment and a compassionate moment.

That is what I have desired that we take away from certain experiences of life when we look at the cards we have been dealt that do not look like we would walk off with the pot.

More often than not, we do not win the jackpot much as we participate in the lottery, we hope we have picked the right numbers but the picking of the winning numbers is completely out of our control.

It is then left to luck, good fortune, favour, blessing, chance or any convenient description of how opportunity and timing coincide to create advantage and gain.

The reflex to moments

The moments described above require patience and reflection, reflection desires that whatever we have determined to say or do be delayed to have a broader perspective especially when that perspective does not agree with us.

Yet you find many who have charted a different course, they find their greatest expression in a rude moment, an abusive moment, a dishonest moment, a disingenuous moment, an expletive-laden moment, a belittling moment, an unreasonable moment, an uncharitable moment and a hateful moment.

Their capacity to demonstrate this with a knack of genius and experience would make them icons of intemperance and much as you might be tempted to respond in like manner or take the high moral ground, the best thing to do is to ignore them.

Rethink the act

For a person who seeks to learn can be taught and in being taught is humbled into realising that a wider and diverse world of life, perspective, opinions, experiences and knowledge exists beyond them.

This brings understanding to reason and being reasonable, in which one can then find the bowels of compassion to engage with others; that is the essence of our humanity.

That is why I love about those who take the moments to reflect over those who seize the moment for reflex.

Opinion: Our low threshold for standards

Our sense of judgement

Some events of the last few days have now opened my eyes to why Nigeria would languish at the bottom of corruption rating indices.

The Transparency International Corruption Perceptions Ranking places Nigeria at 144 out of 177 countries with a score of 25 out of a hundred countries.

I observed in a number of tweets that the corruption measurement parameters are skewed to a Western perception of transparency to which we have very little sensitivity.

The poisoning of openness

For instance, there are too many areas where "conflicts of interest" have no particular meaning as pertains to public office.

People or organisations might have multiple interests which could affect their motives or cloud their judgements on issues where independence are critical for a transaction to be above board.

Neopatrimonalism is the order of the day where officials dole out without accounting or accountability to obtain favours and allegiance.

Here, especially people in power buy access, influence, allegiance, obeisance or votes by using the commonwealth of public funds.

Transparency is more a dictionary word rather than one of civil engagement required in all transactions.

Few talent pools

Whilst we are aware of nepotism, influence peddling and malfeasance, they all seem to be instruments of acquiescent brokerage.

We acquiesce to the abuse of power, privilege and office; as much as we can rail against this when it is not in our favour, we are accepting of the gains that this brings us without quibble, concern or even conscience.

The extension of this is the tribal and clannish tendency to want people like us in power rather than the best people we could find do things for the good of all.

The number of states in Nigeria is evidence of the many pools we have to fulfil positions to represent federal character but these many pools do not constitute adequate talent pools to tackle the challenges that face Nigeria.

Low thresholds for standards

For instance, we have a Freedom of Information Act that appears to be a tool of courageous engagement than an everyday call to accountability.

In the almost 30 months of the signing of the Freedom of Information Act, we have not seen its common usage in unravelling the obscurantist tendencies of the government, this especially in determining the cost of our democracy, how much oil we produce, how it gets spent and the real cost of the fuel subsidy.

The fundamental ethical demands of honesty, openness, integrity and so on, have a much lower threshold of fulfilment.

Normalised abuse

We have low expectations of ethical conduct, this accompanied with a very low emotional intelligence of the leadership that they are not discerning of issues enough to adapt or adjust until shamed, blamed, defamed embarrassed into taking appropriate action.

Rather than address the issue upfront, we seek moral equivalences and comparative scenarios to excuse reprehensible conduct or justify positions we have taken.

Consequently we are almost inured to the abuse of power and office, whilst those in power cannot be made fully accountable because the pursuit of truth, fairness and justice is neither with determination nor resolute.

Objectivity and honesty

I reflected on this as I read comments on certain blogs that partly inspired the blog I wrote yesterday - Opinion: The Salvation of Full Disclosure from Hypocrisy

The bigger lesson I want us to take away from that blog remains – With Full Disclosure, whilst people might question your objectivity, they cannot question your honesty, when you juxtapose that statement with another - Without Full Disclosure, whilst people might not question your objectivity, they will question your honesty.

You have a trade-off between objectivity and honesty predicated on full disclosure, that subtle distinction is what had me in the middle of the absurdity of apologising for manifest hypocrisy.

I have to admit and accept that my cultural influences are probably too diametrically opposed to my greater engagement that we all probably have a long and hard job of re-education and reorientation to appreciate that we need to raise the bar for ethical conduct.

Opinion: The Salvation of Full Disclosure from Hypocrisy

And I did

I rarely leave comments on other blogs, not even under duress, but this once I did, because, there was a need to say some pertinent things.

The issue concerned people who I consider friends from Social Media, I love my friends, and I cannot bear to see them warring in public, at the same time, I am rarely sentimental about my desire to have people cut it out and return to a modicum of peace.

I hope that when I view matters brought to my attention, I am able to see things sometimes quite radically different from others, it is a matter of perspective and there are many narratives to any situation all depending on where we observe things.

The spirit of gratitude

Like a popular author once said, we should be careful of the single story, and I rarely reiterate the story told by others if there is another angle of approach.

Broadly, this issue concerned charity, opinion, confrontation, offence, recalcitrance and opportunity for vituperation in the aftermath.

My view of charity is simple; there is only one valid response, it is gratitude. For they who bring succour and respite are angels in disguise for that time of need.

That angels displaying human nature can later on turn out to be obnoxious does not obviate the good previously done, its value for that time, place and setting is immeasurable.

The conflicts of gratitude

Demands can be made by the generous to serve interests inimical to the views of the recipient, but it is for the latter to adapt with reserve, circumspection and wisdom, it tests the patience and resolve. It is not beyond the capacity of all to exercise such.

We all have opinions, but the better part of valour is knowing how to make forceful points without alienating a source of goodwill. Goodwill should not present a sense of enslavement, and it is reprehensible for those who have done a turn of good to make unreasonable demands of those they have helped.

The fundamental, much as it is difficult to understand is that the act of generosity is meant to attract commensurate gratitude. There is no time limit to the expression of gratitude whilst it can accommodate the expression of truth with moderation, consideration and circumspection, which should not contemn the deeds of those who have visited with an outstretched hand.

No hypocrites with full disclosure

That said; there is a wider and broader issue when it comes to having opinions and views you want to share. There is no restriction on the freedom of expression but it is hypocritical to posit forcefully on issues where you have once been a beneficiary of a related cause without declaring an interest.

It is called “Full Disclosure.” This allows people to understand that you have an interest as you have a strong viewpoint, and whilst people might question your objectivity, they cannot question your honesty.

There is a reason why honesty is the best policy, because with it comes transparency, clarity, openness, fairness and truth.

The hypocrite has no refuge

In my opinion, the best way to tackle a festering problem is to determine its root cause, and there is no doubt in my mind that the absence of full disclosure in an original opinion opens that person to the excoriating rebuke of hypocrisy. The form criticism for hypocrisy could take varies, but we would be naïve to think there are parameters of engagement when it comes to condemning hypocrisy – no, there are none.

When seen in that context, it is easy to apportion blame, but it is hoped that people would engage to ameliorate the situation, albeit in the public space.

In closing, I would say, never sequester your freedom of expression, but if you have an interest in the matter or have been a beneficiary of the system that you have a strong opinion about, err on the side of full disclosure and save yourself the ridicule of being called out as a hypocrite.

Please oblige me and blog for my decade of blogging

Once again for the joy and the fun of it

I find myself appealing again; probably it is because I am not that good at passively organising people even though I have had the idea in my head for almost two months.

I think 10 years of blogging is a milestone in itself, it is quite possible though I have no proof that in relation to my affinity to Nigeria, I probably have the longest continuously running Nigerian personal blog to date.

To celebrate this from the 8^th of December, I hope I can get friends, well-wishers, acquaintances and anyone else so inclined to write something for my blog, especially if there is something I have written over the last decade that you have found interesting, useful, silly or funny.

It might well be about me too from my eccentricities through the stupid things I do, say or applaud to the rare spasms of wisdom that I cannot maintain for long enough to look like a geek or a nerd.

Please oblige me

Almost two months ago, I wrote this invitation - To Celebrate My Decade of Blogging – nothing would please me more that to share this moment with you all.

From the 8^th of December to end of the month, I will put up the blogs and I hope we can do this with the finesse of a seamstress making a good skirt – short enough to keep the interest, whilst long enough to cover the detail.

Please let me know if you are interested into celebrating my decade of blogging, post a comment, a tweet at @forakin or an email to forakin@gmail.com

Opinion: Tom Daley and the pursuit of happiness

Open and real

Seeing Tom Daley on video yesterday revealing that he was in a relationship man, and he could not be happier revealed a sense of empowerment in being able to give voice to a personal story. [BBC News] [BBC News]

For all the speculation that might have accompanied trying to determine what preferences for partnership he had, nothing could be better than having control of your personal narrative.

Many a time, people have in their quest for privacy or for the fears of rejection, stigma, shame or even blackmail, never lived to the full, expending all their energy in maintaining a false normalcy about their lives too secret to find expression in most of the occupations that they find themselves.

The courage of conviction

We compartmentalise our lives into some sort of schizophrenic existence, presenting different personas to different groups of people without the freedom to be who we really are in entirety and overcome with fear or concern for what others might think about us.

What impressed me the most about Tom Daley was this, he was able to put the pursuit of happiness above every fear of stigma in the search for and the fulfilment of love, that is commendable and it is a great life achievement.

The pursuit of happiness is in my humble opinion, a fundamental human right, it is one that we need to realise we can pursue for the simple fact that we have only one life to live and everything that brings fulfilment rather than regret is worth every smile that could ever cross our lips.

Love who you love and be happy

This in the company of those we decide to give our hearts to, to enjoy life and do things together to the completeness and full realisation of self, self-esteem and self-actualisation.

It should not matter what our sexuality is, everyone has the capacity to love and be loved in heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual or platonic relationships. That we feel restrained for all the societal, the cultural, the religious or the familial pressures is unfortunate.

We are left with the comforting and exhilarating words of Tom Daley, "Of course I still fancy girls but right now I'm dating a guy and I couldn't be happier."

The key phrase in that statement is, “I couldn't be happier.” That alone, we must wish for ourselves.

Nigeria: Mrs Joy Ifije, the widow, visits Governor Oshiomhole

As things turn

On Saturday, I wrote, Nigeria: How Humanity Lost Oshiomhole and Gained a Widow and waited to see how things would pan out. The concerns in that blog remain valid much as the governor has now addressed the particular; the general is in need of action too.

Probably, the consensus is that Adams Oshiomhole, the Edo State governor, has dramatically redeemed himself after the video of the excoriation of the widow on Benin-City streets where he told her to, “Go and die!”

The widow, Mrs Joy Ifije was sought out by the governor, and after extraneous attempts to justify his intemperate expression, employed her as an activist for the cause of chasing street hawkers off the roads, presented he with a large brown parcel of cash totally NGN 2 million ($12,620) and a scholarship for her son.

The governor’s advice was that she put it first in the bank and eventually use it to setup shop to trade on legal trading premises – it would appear all’s well, ends well.

The viral video did it

However, if we must review this situation properly, the event where the Mrs Joy Ifije was dehumanised was recorded over a fortnight ago, but the video when viral last week, the consequences of which must have forced the governor to address a serious public relations gaffe.

The governor himself said his daughters had asked him to attend to the issue too, it had become too much of an embarrassment as some even found to make political capital out of her misery to doubly embarrass the governor.

Walk a mile in her shoes

Much as one cannot suggest that beyond the direct apology to Mrs Joy Ifije, the compensation she got was state money, some Utopian idealists would have preferred she spurn the governor and reject his gift.

My answer to them was that they walk a mile in Mrs Joy Ifije’s shoes and it is very probable that from their gilded cages of privilege and opportunity they would never have understood to any degree the situation of her widowhood. That, along with the pressures to meet the needs of her immediate family and other societal demands that placed her in the situation she found herself in the first encounter with the governor.

Sadly, some were keen to limit the outpouring of goodwill and sympathy that followed the publication of that video to make the point of ridiculing the governor whilst for a second time making an example of Mrs Joy Ifije.

For the greater social good

There is the particular of what happened between the governor and the widow and there is the general of what the social consequences of driving street hawkers off the roads without providing safe, adequate, affordable or subsidised trading places for their wares.

Street hawking is the source of many livelihoods, people resort to this because they cannot access the formal market areas for many reasons too many to mention. It is unlikely that any would resort to the streets if they had the means to rent market stall spaces and fill those stores with wares and goods to ensure the business thrives beyond breaking even to profitability.

That should become the bigger welfarist goal of the governor.

A wonderful change has come for her

Nevertheless, one thing must not be lost on us, the fact that if that video did not go viral, it is unlikely Mrs Joy Ifije’s circumstances would have been altered.

Certain eagle-eyed observers noted that Mrs Joy Ifije did not seem to have changed her clothes from her first encounter; one cannot read too much into that as much as it probably tells a deeper story of her situation.

We can only hope that what she got along with other generous contributions will put her on the right path to sufficiency and success. Along with the two children who accompanied her, I wish her the very best and that her sorrows and hardships become things of a long distant memory.

Much as Adams Oshiomhole appears to have acquitted himself well in being responsive and understanding of his unfortunate folly, it is yet to be seen if whether on or off record, after he became governor he was ever a nicer man than what obtain in the “Go and die!” video – time will tell.

World AIDS Day 2013: Eleven years with HIV

Knowledge and discovery

We sat down to talk about living with HIV for over a decade and what it means for life and the pursuit of happiness.

He had known many people affected by HIV, but rarely met anyone who had succumbed to AIDS except for stories of people and the haunting pictures that accompanied the dying days of the famous in the early days of AIDS.

His arrival in the UK allowed him to explore a nature he knew he had from well before the age of 10, when he had his full sexual encounter with someone 6 years older.

Freedom for expression

In secondary school and later he found someone who shared a same sex inclination, and they found places and time to fulfil their passions, a situation that can be inhibited by the homophobia now being codified in the legal framework in Nigeria.

Apart from the occasional threats of blackmail, there were few with whom there was a sense of fulfilled sexual companionship, it was almost transactional.

The UK signalled freedom, the freedom to explore his sexuality without fear, and that was soon realised in a number of trysts; some lasted weeks, others lasted months until he found a soul mate that ushered in a relationship that lasted seven years.

Testing for inconvenience

He took a few sexual risks and went for check-ups that sometimes presented embarrassing results not helped by the kind of engagements and unsettling discussions with sexual health workers; this discouraged the prompt take-up of free services.

He took the HIV test up to three times a year, but he extracted an undertaking that they do not inform him of the results. He guessed the outcomes presented no need for the clinic to contact him urgently for a follow-up.

In September 2002, he went in for a sexual health check-up and by that time, he had decided he was ready for whatever the results were. By then, he was almost certain that the result will be positive and was already working on how to live life with such a prospect.

Knowledge and adjustment

The first result indicated a positive, but they took another test to be sure and that returned a positive, he had become a person living with HIV, and he adjusted his life to accommodate that reality by seeking out those with a similar health situation.

Many years passed with almost a sense of invincibility bordering of fatalism, much as he had a useful relationship, they both sought out multiple partners and yet for all they liked to do, they were almost teetotal, never did drugs but liked their sex along with the companionship, the travel and many other exciting things partners did for fun.

His HIV positive partner had long been on anti-retroviral (ARV) medication, but he paid no attention to what some others began to observe as failing health, probably the virus ravaging his body, rampaging through his veins and organs, untrammelled and unmanaged until 2009 when a rapid deterioration in health presented a life-threatening condition.

You have AIDS

Towards the end of that year, he was close to becoming an unusual AIDS statistic in Western Europe where medicine had already arrested the view of HIV being a terminal and precipitous condition that rapidly brought the scythe of the Grim Reaper to harvest another soul.

The intervention was late but just in time for medicine and medication to delay the possibility of impending death due to a seriously weakened immune system.

He had dabbled with a reckless carelessness to life, but mercifully, he won a new lease of life moving him out of the terrain of a person suffering AIDS back to just being a person living with HIV.

Life living with HIV

Within 8 weeks of taking on first-line treatment, the HIV virus had become undetectable in his bloodstream though it has taken much longer for his immune system to recover and move him out of the danger zone of opportunistic infections.

Now, four years down the line, he is much wiser and informed about HIV/AIDS issues, he has considered getting involved in activism and advocacy for the many with his kind of background who find it difficult to talk about sexuality and status considering the stigma that follows revealing such a condition to family and friends.

Know and act

I thought he had an interesting story to share about the need to know your status and the greater need to engage promptly the sexual health services that will provide better medical outcomes with timely intervention before HIV results in AIDS.

He has decided to start with sharing part of that long story of living with HIV and AIDS over the last 11 years on World AIDS Day, 2013.

Thank you.

You, Me and HIV – AVERT.org

World AIDS Day

HIV Test FAQs – AVERT.org

Living with HIV – Learning you are HIV Positive – AVERT.org

List of HIV/AIDS Medications