A case of peloton dysfunction

Lance, my hero

What got me fascinated and interested in cycling was the story of one man, Lance Armstrong, he recovered from testicular cancer and went on to win 7 consecutive Tour de France titles. That was the story, there is life after cancer.

When I then had life-threatening cancer in 2009, after months of denial, at the point of acceptance, I began to believe there is a life for me beyond my ordeal. That Lance Armstrong was then found out to be a drug cheat and stripped of his titles is unfortunate, but that is not the story that resonated with us, cancer survivors.

Indeed, one can die with great integrity and be eulogised quite ordinarily, or die having achieved notoriety, ignominy, and even disgrace, but with a life to live there is some opportunity for redemption if it comes. If it does not, you are still there for the ones you love and still love you and that for me is an extraordinary story. Lance Armstrong as a person remains a hero.

Medicine for the race

As the world unravelled around him, the mantel fell to the UK to retrieve the reputation of cycling from the dust. In track and road cycling, at the Olympics and peloton Grand Tours, cyclists from the UK took golds and titles, we were cheering from the rafters and men rose from their knee to become knights of the realm.

Great men like those of old, men of chivalry rescuing damsels from distress. Erm, well, there was a Dr Richard Freeman, the team doctor meant to see to the medical needs of the cycling teams and in his position would have been able to acquire medicaments to treat all sorts of conditions. Saddle soreness, for example, and anything in that region that might need attention.

Challenges of manhood

He however highlighted one condition about a male head coach that drew recriminations and rebuttals. You can challenge a man about many things, but not his manhood and its efficacy at performance and surely not in a public forum. Yet, Dr Freeman will have us believe that he ordered 30 sachets of testosterone to help Shane Sutton with his erectile dysfunction. I am a tyro, but I thought you got Viagra or Kamagra for that, but what do I know?

Anyway, with that order comes the possible taint of the achievements of the British cyclist, though, meanwhile, Dr Freeman, free with words, free with the truth has been freed from medical practice. Sadly, he might have set the peloton in dysfunction.

When we stand up, we identify with shared victimhood

Deeper human interest

Much as I am more inclined to what documentary type programmes like railway journeys that serve as excursions to places around the world along with biographies and the histories of people, places, cultures and events, detective drama can be considered an unhealthy diet in understanding the nature and motivations of people.

Last night, I watched an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit which explores themes of sexual abuse and violation, some involving deaths and how the investigation unravels into some sort of closure. In this case, a teenaged popular social media schoolgirl was drugged, violated, photographed, and humiliated by the publication of her pictures.

Exhuming the truth

The process of getting to the truth of what happened went through closing ranks, accusations, bullying, threats and almost irreconcilable breakdown of relationships and friendships. That the boys involved were presumably friends of the girl was unfortunate, but the issues of teenage angst were quite adequately covered.

In the end, the truth of what happened was discovered without the need for the victim to relive the whole ordeal in court. The culmination was in the lead female police officer, Olivia Benson, visiting the school to discuss the issues around abuse, cyberbullying, and consent. The victim took the stage with the police office relaying what she went through, being the stronger through the experience.

Standing up to identify

Olivia Benson after giving a short talk persuaded everyone to participate in an experiment, instructing them all to close their eyes before asking the pupils affected by scenarios she painted to stand up. Those who had bad things said about them, those who had been humiliated, those who had lost friends due to some adverse situation, those who had been shamed or ridiculed, those who had been bullied, those who had been physically abused, those who had been sexually violated, and so on.

In turn, they stood up with more than half the audience standing, they were asked to open their eyes and which point Olivia Benson said, we are not alone, everyone is affected by these things and fear keeps people from talking of how they are have been victimised. Some then took the opportunity to talk of their own experiences, victims, bullies, or the silenced.

Talking helps people deal with the issues and knowing that the other people might just be as affected means we can help each other.

We share experiences

I already had tears in my eyes, I could be quite a softie when it comes to deeply emotional issues as this, much as I could relate to it all. I could have stood up for each scenario, the story of ostracism, victimisation, abuse, ridicule and damaged relationships could make books but for the saving grace of those things not ruling one’s life or defining the person one is.

We find that we need to stand up and be counted, not so much as victims or survivors, but as those who have experienced things to share amongst others to give each other support and succour drawing sympathy and empathy out of our involved humanity. I find it strange that a blog I wrote over 13 years ago when I first shared my story of child sexual abuse is being read a lot recently.

Blog - My Sex Post (January 2007)

Then, the blog was hosted elsewhere, and I was amazed by the number of comments that came in from others who had been abused and violated by paedophiles and hebephiles. The blog was like standing up to the prompting of what you might have experienced in life. That is why I write about these things, the taboo subjects that we have kept silent about with the hope they would sink away into the depths of passing and forgetful time, even if the scars take much longer to heal, if ever.

If we can, we need to stand up and be counted, so others might feel counted and not alone isolated in the thought that they are to blame for the harm inflicted on their bodily, mental, and sexual wellbeing.

My thoughts are with fellow child sexual abuse survivors

Entertaining a doubt

My heart cries out for those like me who lost our sexual innocence long before we knew what sex or innocence was. To some, it was someone trusted and known who found the opportunity and the importunity to impose themselves on us and left us without the courage to squeak about the how, the why and for what we were violated.

Early this morning in Australia, Cardinal George Pell had his conviction for child sexual abuse quashed and he walked away a free man. He needed to go to the highest court in the land having been found guilty through the justice system that the Australian High Court was his last chance. [The Independent]

In the end, the judges unanimously decided the jury “acting rationally on the whole of the evidence, ought to have entertained a doubt.” That’s it; on the preponderance of the evidence before a jury of his peers, they were convinced that he was guilty, but on the consideration of law before the judges, they should have entertained a doubt.

Full justice is not ready for us

It made me wonder whether this supposed to be a doubt as to the veracity of the stories of the sexually abused, or the structure of reverence for authority that leads one to consider people in a particular office or of a certain stature cannot be thought to have committed such crimes. Either way, the jury believed the abused and were not cowed by the office.

Yet, what would it take for historic clerical child sexual abuse to run the course of a judicial system and deliver justice for the victims? How can our stories from childhood be believable today, if now we find the courage to speak up about the harm that was done to us as kids?

There are stories I have not shared with anyone of times when others found their sexual pleasures in me, the first from the age of 7. I reflect on it and appreciate that I am one of the survivors, with all the scars that came with the loss of innocence, the poor sexual choices that ensued and the inability to foster rewarding and lasting relationships of trust and commitment until recently.

Blog - My Sex Post

They don’t listen

There are only a few of us who have found an accommodation; not so much for what happened to us, but finding a new source of strength, hope and self-esteem that took us to another place where we could thrive and find some newness in purpose and relationships towards a fulfilling life.

Having seen attitudes and reactions to reports of child sexual abuse from the victims, I am sadly of the view that they will always have an uphill task convincing many of the facts of what happened to them.

Heck! I had a terrifying event that happened to me, everyone heard me scream in terror, our houseboy, my aunt, my parents, my mother’s best friend with her husband who were guests visiting and when I told them what I saw, it was dismissed out of hand by my father.

Blog - The damage done when parents fail to listen

Boldly tell your story, anyways

What chance telling anyone long after the event, maybe decades on about how the people they entrusted our care to liberally took sexual favours? We all know what happened to us and by God, we can differentiate between reality and the figments of our imagination.

Was it the grooming, the entrapment, the threats, the smell, the location, the acts, the pain or hurt, the terror, and how our temperaments and composure changed with no one, especially our guardians or teachers noticing?

Blog - A survivor does not owe you a convincing story

I concluded, whether I am believed or not, I will tell my story, it is mine to tell, in my own words, at my own convenience, in my own time. It is not to convince anyone, but to have it on record. Whether justice would be found after the revelation, one cannot tell because someone who matters in the quest for justice might entertain a doubt and with that dismiss my lived history.

It may be out of shame or embarrassment, the need to let bygones be bygones, the long passage of time, the statute of limitations, the desire to just carry on with one’s life or some other inexplicable factor, perpetrators of child sexual abuse will escape justice and accountability. What they cannot escape, no matter how much they plead their innocence is what they did to us.

A survivor does not owe you a convincing story

A sex story

In the main, I have kept my counsel on a developing story in Nigeria because the commentary covers the spectrum from the totally agreeable to the utterly reprehensible, so much so that one engagement can leave you mired in the completely incomprehensible.

She was twice his age when she called him into the toilet, closed the door and crouched down, then she pulled down his shorts and handled his member, brought him down, centred him to her exposed self and asked him to move in on her. That is all he can remember of that event. Like so many crazily eerie moments that litter over half a century of life, this one still plays back like a slow-motion replay in the inner recesses of the mind.

That was the only instance with her, probably she decided she should look for someone else, but in that seemingly insignificant moment, the seeds of an outrageous scandal had been sown whilst at the same time the treasure of innocence had been plundered by an act of senselessness that you probably would not impute on either party.

Other sex stories

However, beyond that day, there were other instances where those presumably entrusted with the care of minors whilst the parents pursued their careers in the confidence that their wards were safe completely unaware that were being fast-tracked into irresponsible adulthood for the personal pleasure of their male servants.

You wonder why the kids said nothing to those they trusted then because trust by proxy now went through the servants, not that the parents were too busy to engage the children, the parents just naively thought everything was fine on the home front and by inference, fine with the children.

Eventually, a report of one of the servants interfering with the kids got to the notice of the parents, they did all the motions, a hospital visit and a sacking of the servant without involving the police. It would have been too scandalous for such a respectable family. This was three years after that other episode, they had moved to another city by now.

Can’t forget sex

Little did they know that the report came at the instigation of another child, who found that they could easily confide in another child than go to their parents. Without the prompting of the other child, nothing would have happened, and the abuse would probably have continued. The parents were completely caught up in the trauma of the event, that first, they did not bother to inquire whether others might have been abused when one other was previously the plaything of that abuser.

I guess they thought with time childhood memories would be erased and forgotten, if only. If one were to add to this a greater indictment, it is after the servant was sacked the kids were told to watch out for his return, no adult with them as they were terrified of what might happen next, all they had for safety was the instruction to scream, a boy of 10 being the eldest against the servant, 29 years old.

The scars of child sexual abuse run deep and only a few survivors of such events go on to live in healthy relationships with a complete blank on the past. Sexual innocence once lost can never be replaced, but there is a lot parents can do in caring, in nurturing, in showing unusual affection and doing everything to regain the trust and confidence of their children being readily able to report any violation of their bodies.

Earn sex trust

Whilst some parents might find this strange, the trust a child can have in their parents to report sexual abuse has to be earned, earned beyond the standard of just being a parent and expecting every child to worship you from the day they were born. Parental provision is a responsibility on the shoulders of the parent, the child does not have to be thankful for that, but the child would be more exceedingly thankful for the opportunity to open their hearts to their parents long before the problems come.

Yet, what parents concentrate on is ensuring they are respected and obeyed at the cost of everything else. They lament about being disrespected, get out the whip to lash out at every opportunity, make all physical and economic provisions and have no concept of emotional engagement, then later in life think the child owes them everything.

That was lost on the day the child lost their sexual innocence when all the parents did was ignore, scold, treat the child as a commodity and leave to chance the healing of time. In most cases, the child never forgot, that today becomes a day of reckoning.

Unconvincing sex stories

This is a story told, personal and raw, there was a conversation where the legalism of a child became a matter of dispute, and though recent events need attention, past events are no less significant because the seeds sown then mature in the person affected from that time, they have just learnt to cope better with the hurt.

I wrote this because, within the commentary that followed the developing story on Facebook, someone said everything that matters to every victim, every victim of child sexual abuse whether you hear that story immediately after the abuse or decades after that it all seems incredible, implausible or even unbelievable, “A survivor does not owe you a convincing story.” 

To that, I would say, neither does a victim owe you a convincing story. There are liars and blackmailers out there, but to allow those few to determine your view every other story is a grave injustice and too many of these stories cannot be tested to their limits in court, you only need a good lawyer to get a murderer off the charge. What two sides of a story you are not convinced of that would allow you to side with the perpetrator against the victim, victimising them a second time, because the victim can't tell you a convincing story?

There are many stories left untold because the victim and survivor are left second-guessing themselves unsure of whether they would be believed about what was done to them, be it child sexual abuse or rape, they are heinous crimes against the person, to which there are rarely any corroborating witnesses. The victims internalise their trauma and their fate, there is courage in keeping silent and there is unusual courage in speaking out.

Tell your story

The many victims of child sexual abuse I have watched being told to shut up, they have a story they cannot tell about what happened to them, because they cannot make their story dramatic enough, fantastic enough, or convincing enough to the majority who think child sexual abuse or rape must follow a rational course of action by the perpetrator.

One can almost say a murder scene almost definitely yields more forensic evidence than a child sexual abuse or rape event, why that is the case when the victim is a witness to their own violation continues to baffle me.

In that story is a boy, an aunt, a sister, many houseboys, some distant relations and no strangers, all before he was 11.

Thought Picnic: For Childlike One Must Again Be

Looking for my child

There is a lot I need to learn and I am putting myself in that teachable position whilst seeking that childhood spirit of curiosity and adventure to discover new things.

I have spent so much time growing up I have almost become “groan up” and yes, I have groaned, grumbled, been grumpy and been quite grouchy; going into reverse, one now has to ditch the elderly things and try a bit of kindergarten finger-painting exercises as the Message dares to paraphrase Hebrews 6:1 of the bible – the grand work of art one has lavished much brushstrokes on is looking more like Medusa than Mona Lisa.

I am not ready to turn to stone nor do I as Lot’s wife intend turn into a pillar of salt, I need to enter a flow of change and adapt to the new challenges that present themselves in these trying times.

Talk is essential

My fourth session of therapy was interesting, no notes, just talk, much talk and a feeling that my voice was about to crack but that element of English stoicism kept me from crying a river like I once did almost a decade ago.

It is good to talk and talking with the right people helps, not so much that they can be your immediate help but they can bring forth good ideas and pointers where you have been so ensconced in your world of turmoil, literally unable to see beyond yourself.

I also need to talk to myself and speak out some things that occupy my thoughts too much that my rest suffers. I considered I might have been struck dumb, I did not even know how to pray for myself.

Awakening the survivor in me

How is it that a drowning man cannot cry out for help and a man being beaten cannot vocalise the pain? It is really not healthy and the realisation dawning on me is that silence might just lead to a quiet disappearance from view and an end sadly unspoken.

With this professional, much of what I have shared previously was in total recall, the empathy was tangible and certain things I did not know to do before have been described, arranged and helped through but most of all, I need to be reminded, I am a survivor and I will do well.

The First Gulder Ultimate Death II

Blaming the victim

The plot begins to thicken as the 4^th Gulder Ultimate Search took one contestant to the ultimate sacrifice - death.

My first write up on this matter was full of speculation and that was because the snippets of news we were given were far from satisfactory to allay the fears of foul play.

It now transpires that the young man died during a challenge when something of his apparently fell into the water as he was traversing it in a canoe, he tried to reclaim the object and he fell in the lake and drowned.

The story is developing a convenient means of exculpating everyone but the victim, but that would be getting off too easy.

The responsibility for safety measures

Given that the contest does require that contestant be able to swim if swimming were required, when you are in a canoe, I do not think you are prepared for swimming. In those circumstances, the occupants of the canoe should and must be wearing life jackets.

This should have been standard non-negotiable safety procedure monitored and enforced by the organisers who should have been more responsible for their wards.

It is also amazing that the organisers allowed the contestants to board the canoes with things or valuables that would have created the situation that compelled Mr. Ogadje to dive into the water to retrieve the thing that eventually lead to his loss of life.

More to this

I think there is still more to this story, but this story as it develops is building a case of criminal culpability against the organisers, if they think they will get away with drip-feeding us half truths rather than the exact chronology of events that lead to the young man becoming impossible to resuscitate, they have really got it coming.

I will not relent till I am convinced of the facts - keep talking and speaking up fast.

The First Gulder Ultimate Death

The search for reality

The problem with reality shows is they do pertain to more reality than fiction or acting out some contrived event. There is no telling that at times producers could connive to instigate a particular scene through manipulation with the intent of gaining notoriety with the consequence of higher audience figures leading to more advertisement revenue and lucrative sponsorships.

Of the many that visit our screens in Europe and are now making rounds in Africa, Big Brother and West African Idols have been received with some acclaim.

I was not however aware of one Gulder Ultimate Search run under the auspices of the Nigerian Breweries which is part of the Dutch Heineken Brewery group.

Apparently, it is some survival of the fittest kind of game where physical challenges need to be surmounted and in the process the weaker ones get eliminated.

Shere Hills and beauty

It was about to commence its fourth season and prospective contestants were taken to Shere Hills in Plateau State where they were to demonstrate their physical prowess and deftness as the case may be.

Now, I do remember Shere Hills as the site of the 1^st All African Scouts Jamboree in 1976, but before then we lived in Jos and it was in some way a place for touristy recreation.

Drowned? How?

However, the news is a contestant named Anthony Ogadje died whilst preparing for the programme.

The devil must be in the detail somewhere but I am not sure we have that detail that clearly states what happened.

Apparently, the young man drowned and died suddenly - a drowning accident - the company states, I have analysed this scenario with all sorts of permutations and cannot seem to make it compute that a man somehow got into water, drowned and died suddenly.

For instance, did he fall off something into the lake or was he swimming in the water and he encountered some difficulty that nobody noticed till it became too late?

It is quite commendable that there was an attendant medical team and lifeguards as well as his fellow contestants about to help, but it is great concern that the situation was so bad that lifeguards trained in first aid for drowning and medical staff supposedly trained in resuscitation techniques could do nothing to save this man.

Basically, I am saying the story just does not add up at all.

Survival or suffering?

This is a survival show and I would suspect a good deal of it would be about endurance, strength and the ability to withstand high thresholds of pain or other forms of deprivation better than other contestants.

What makes me even more suspicious of the event is in May in Boulder, Utah in America, a man who was on a desert survival trek was refused water and succour that in the midst of fellow contestants and guides he died of thirst - in some ways, he was the weak one, but no contest should offer so great a reward and also exact a great price as to involve the loss of life.

Not pandering to the weak obviously makes a contest look really tough, it stops other contestants thinking one is favoured over the other and certain personalities might not know the limits of their abilities or cannot afford to give up too easily for pride and price that they might do something really foolish.

Maybe ...

One would suppose that is why there is a medical team, lifeguards, umpires and adjudicators about as well as a television crew to help ensure that all matters are handled with commonsense.

The phrase drowning accident baffles me, you can have a car crash or a car accident, but I do not think you can have a crash accident except of you were organising a crash and then had an accident. At the risk of being pedantic, the drowning would have be an accident as a result of doing something probably in the water, a drowning accident however sounds like a drowning that went wrong - maybe I have had a glass of wine too many.

But really, I do not think I would be far from the truth if looking at the lake, the lifeguards and the possibility of drowning, the contest was about how long people could hold their breath under water as a kind of endurance test - the man probably held it for so long that they thought he was breaking a record when in fact his soul was breaking away from his body.

Worse still it could have been dunking where the head is forcibly immersed in water as a form of torture or in this case horseplay.

Even so, since this game is about the search for treasure, probably the said treasure was placed in a proverbial Davy Jones' Locker - the truth will out somehow and hopefully very soon and the contestants had better start speaking up.

Assessing responsibility

If that turns out to be the truth, there would have been a gross dereliction of duty of the organisers from simple team discipline if people had gone off to do their own thing unsupervised along with issues of safety, but in the end, nothing short of manslaughter charges should be filed on anyone who has a stake in that show.

That is the fact of reality shows, something really bad could happen and when it happens it could be happening to you.

The quest to win the 4^th Gulder Ultimate Search Mr. Ogadje came upon the unexpected 1^st Gulder Ultimate Death, so, so sad.