On my own terms with my own story

In the quest for self-respect

One morning 4 years ago, I exited a telephone conference that was not going well and walked out a job of three years at Barclays Bank. Things came to a head out of a growingly irretrievable relationship with my manager who was appointed to head the team I was in just 6 months before.

I could not put my finger on it, but in attitude, tone, demeanour, and much else including microaggressions, matters had deteriorated for reasons he only could say for his lack of respect, or courtesy towards me. The many times decisions for which my input was required got to me through indirect, if not unintended means.

Too many times, I tried to have meetings to discuss issues that he would not commit to. As I tried to engage his peers to intervene, not much traction was gained. My role progressively reduced in significance to the point that I was a mere box-shifter called in to firefight where my knowledge was material but with no acknowledgement of my contribution.

I was done with it

Much as it seemed a cushy job, it was also soul-destroying and that conference where it came down to being asked whether I was going to do it or not. A mundane task precipitated by a colleague who had walked the boards from a junior to his position and probably would never get that status in any other organisation.

I looked for the most senior person around, handed in my badge, my laptop, and my phone, whilst being asked if I was sure of what I was doing. I was more than sure; I was done with it. I left without a notice period, called the taxi company, and returned home.

I told my own story

Later, I called the agency to inform them of my decision and then wrote a comprehensive notice of my abrupt resignation which was copied to the other managers I had served during my time there. Sadly, in a response from one of the managers who I had reported to for almost two years, he said, there are two sides to the story.

I thanked him for his consideration which was in reality a dispassionate view of my situation. My ex-manager himself never had the courtesy to respond to my letter, not once. It was disturbing, but not too surprising. He eventually was let go of a few months after I left. I can’t even remember his surname; he is that forgettable.

Out of this came other opportunities, even one where a consultant I was working with recommended me for work with his company and this presented a thriving development as I completed a 30-year career. When I think about it, this was my story, whether I was believed, or anyone needed to hear the other side did not make any difference to what I experienced and how I told it. I am grateful for my life; it is mine and no one else’s.

The art of taking a hint

The cues are always clear

Taking a hint is probably something we get to learn over time and understanding the situations and people we are with. What we probably do not want to exhaust in not realising the best way to react, is the patience and the tolerance of the people we care for.

There are times people just want to be left alone to be consumed in their thoughts, they do not want to talk, they do not want to be pitied, and most importantly, in their vulnerability, that is not what they want to be told of even if that is the truth.

That is the hint, to step away, to give way and to give time; do not make assumptions or place encumbrances of time or place on the person, for the crossover from concern to infuriating is thinner than a gossamer film.

Don’t flood the ears

In other cases, silence is more considerate than trying to find words to express anything that might suggest that you know how the other feels when you are entirely clueless. We can all have the completely same circumstances to relate to and yet find out that how it affects others will never ever be the same. It is a common mistake to even offer the idea that you know how they feel, even if you had cancer compared to the discomfort of their headache.

Space is a premium, people need lots of it at certain times and when that space is asked for, do not wait to asked again, make way, and patiently wait to be invited back into that space that you probably know by right you occupy but have to let go of, just to help the other manage their turmoil better.

It is respectful too

I guess there are no lessons on taking the hint, but if for whatever reason it is not learnt well, more than a breakdown is in store. Everything you notice does not need to be voiced, backing off serves more than stepping completely in.

Stop talking, start listening, there is no need to affirm or reiterate anything, let your silence become a better counsel. In it, you inadvertently show respect for the other person and ultimately, it will be more than appreciated. It is probably what helps any kind of relationship work too before anyone is forced to walk out slamming the doors behind themselves.

Do you feel the way that I feel?

Words with changing meanings

It is amazing how reading the meaning of a word in the past can have such an impact on your perception of the word as culture and norms shift. The impression you have of the word and its use in language in contemporary times might leave you shocked.

I know how knowing the use of certain words like 'bastard' in Nigeria could almost be a word of endearment in English, not carrying the original meaning of shameful illegitimacy at birth or of not having any acknowledgement of forebears. Derogatory as it might be depending in tone, it can be a synonym for rascal and that is not so bad as it was on a school report half a century ago.

Whether or not

One such word I used today in conversation with my mother about someone else was hypochondriac. She thought it was quite strong a word to use in terms of this other person. “A hypochondriac is someone who lives with the fear that they have a serious, but undiagnosed medical condition, even though diagnostic tests show there is nothing wrong with them.” [The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders: Hypochondriac]

Yet, the word did clearly describe the situation without equivocation. It is understandable that once having suffered a condition that has been effectively treated, there might be a fear of it recurring. Doubtless, it is important patients are listening to, respected, and treated with courtesy. Essentially, they need to be believed, given not just the benefit of the doubt along with the full complement of medical attention and tests to verifiably prove the presence or absence of ailment.

With a sympathetic view

However, once the absence is proven and the patient takes a second opinion, without new discoveries, the condition might well be an anxiety disorder, to be addressed rather than ignored. Maybe, I am a bit ambivalent about this and I have to suggest all conditions regardless of the medical opinion need some sort of treatment and indifference is not one of them.

I guess the danger in the meaning of words is hypochondriac can be dismissive when it should be immersive, concerning, involved, and engaged, for the sake of the person presumed to be suffering from it and those who have observed that it might be the case.

Brexit by the wine glass

Can’t whine about wine

Much as we try to ignore it, the invisible dead hand of Brexit reaches out and touches things that matter though tolerable for the times we are in.

On Friday, the 19^th of February, I got a call from the European wine distributor of some of the wine estates we visit in the Cape Winelands of South Africa. Whenever we’ve had the opportunity, we have gone to Backsberg in Paarl and Allée Bleue in Franschhoek, both places we last visited in January 2020 because of the alcohol ban over the recent Christmas/New Year period made a visit, not particularly worthwhile.

Capreo GmBH in Germany had called me earlier that day to invite me to an online wine tasting that will be hosted on Zoom by them and the vintner at Backsberg, the distributor supplying the wine and hoping that I will put in an order soon after.

Staggered by Brexit

Since I already had a good idea of what like, I made an order for wine from both estates buoyed by the assurance that the delivery will not be disrupted by Brexit, we learnt the better by experience. Whilst postage and packaging was paid by the distributor, the process of getting from Germany to the UK with UPS was fraught with issues we could not explain and no one could give any useful reason for it.

My order was processed on Tuesday, the 23^rd of February, on the 24^th an issue with a missing commercial invoice was resolved and one would think the parcel will be on its way on Thursday the 25^th. That was the first of three days of getting the message, “The package is delayed due to a Brexit-related disruption. We are adjusting delivery plans as quickly as possible.” Each time, the delivery was adjusted an additional day until the parcel passed an Export Scan on 1^st of March.

Decanted at my doorstep

The Brexit-related disruption continued until the 4^th of March when it finally left Germany and arrived in the UK, but a few hours before the estimated delivery for Friday, the 5^th of March, it was postponed again to the morning of the 9^th of March, tomorrow. On Friday, I contacted Capreo about my order to no particular avail apart from being entertained with a friendly talkative banter which seemed to compensate for my apparent displeasure.

This morning, my apartment bell rang, and at the door was a delivery man with my box of wine arriving a day earlier than expected. It might well have been than containers bringing goods from Germany to the UK had to be filled and fully processed before my delivery could land, who knows. It definitely was not the experience when I put in an order last January.

I only hope my wine-tasting tipple is not lost in the Brexit quagmire that I am left sipping the wind in 11 days' time.

Tracking delivery notice

 

Detailed Tracking Information

Coconut heads clashing

Botanically speaking

So, Brian wrote a beautiful poem that does not tell the whole story about coconut heads. We had to knock our coconut heads together and this is the result of the clash of fruits, nuts, or seeds, depending on how you see the coconut. [Brian’s Point of View: Coconut head]

Ere the talk of a coconut head,
Was that of oils once hair is shed,
The advice you so easily give,
By which you choose not to live.

Looking forward to meeting in church

We are back in fellowship

Through the many emails that I now receive from our church in Manchester keeping us abreast of issues, news, and events, I learnt we were now having in-person congregational services in the church cathedral. I do not know when that was reinstituted, but I do remember it is something I have missed during this pandemic year.

It was almost midnight and I was not sure if I felt it safe enough to attend. In any case, I logged on EventBrite, the ticket booking app and registered to attend the Sung Eucharist this morning. However, well into the morning, I had not convinced myself it was something I wanted to do.

Then out of bed I leapt, had a shower and dressed up as if ready to go. By the time, it seemed I might just do it, it was 15 minutes to the start of service that will take almost a 20-minute walk. One of the stays on my mask came apart and in the flux of the moment, I decided, it was better to watch the service on Facebook Watch on my television.

Remembering the times

At communion, I recognised a number of acquaintances, it was not a busy service and I could see myself attending next Sunday. It was literally a year ago on the 8^th of March that I attended the last service in person before my concerns about pandemic safety kept me away the next Sunday after which the country went into full lockdown until the month of July.

I do hope that this is the beginning of some return to a kind of normalcy, I was last in church on the 1^st of November, just before the second major lockdown. 10 days after my first vaccine jab, I should begin to feel a bit safe whilst not dispensing of the essential COVID-19 safety measures. There is hope and possibility beyond what we see today.

The agreed teaching of the Anglican Communion on sexual orientation

He leads the Anglican Communion

The Archbishop of Canterbury fills four main roles in the Anglican Communion, as diocesan bishop of the Diocese of Canterbury, as the metropolitan archbishop of the Province of Canterbury, as the senior primate and chief religious figure of the Church of England, and as the spiritual leader of the Anglican Communion, though without legal authority outside England, by convention is recognised as the first amongst equals of all Anglican primates worldwide.

In that capacity, he can speak for all Anglicans in England and worldwide. The position whilst ecumenical with interfaith ramifications and political as it might appear is significant and the utterances of the Archbishop whilst well-considered are of great import to all Anglicans.

Words that dehumanise

I return to the Statement by the Archbishop of Canterbury regarding comments by the Primate of Nigeria published yesterday, to highlight a particularly forceful comment made by the Archbishop of Canterbury that I hope the Primate of Nigeria will take into consideration and reflect on deeply, if he decides to provide a public response in due course. [Archbishop of Canterbury: Statement]

“I completely disagree with and condemn this language. It is unacceptable. It dehumanises those human beings of whom the statement speaks.”

The Archbishop was unequivocal in that he disagreed, condemned, and found unacceptable what the Primate of Nigeria says clearly indicating that there can be no tolerance of the dehumanisation of other human beings, no matter what a religious leader believes or what they might think motivates them.

Baptised, believing and faithful members

Whilst the Anglican Communion may agree on matters of doctrine, the liturgy and sacraments amongst the many aspects of doctrine that governs the expression of faith, the service of the church is to humanity, to reach and to heal, to bless and to lift out of distress, to give life and humanise, to succour, and to care.

It would appear that even amongst leaders of the Anglican Communion, some might need to be reminded of that and how their use of language lacks the mind of Christ or the Christian spirit. At once, the Archbishop of Canterbury points the Primate of Nigeria to the fact that he has deviated from the agreed teaching of the Anglican Communion, that “all baptised, believing and faithful persons, regardless of sexual orientation, are full members of the Body of Christ.”

Reflect on your words

Consequently, if the Primate of Nigeria has a problem with the agreed teaching of the Anglican Communion, he might want to reflect on his position, his ministry, and what purpose he serves in the church.

For all the hurt many of us have suffered as the hands of the church and many who profess to be men of God, we are grateful to those in the church who have welcomed us to fellowship with them out of love and their humanity rather than in judgement and vitriolic un-Christlike dehumanising condemnation.