Urinary incontinence: One of those prostate things

Not holding tight enough

I found myself looking at a range of men’s underwear for a particular issue when I realised that my sturdy resolve to postpone a nature call until a time when I could access suitable conveniences was leading to embarrassment.

The pair of red trousers I wore recently turned a dark shade due to wetness, but I was literally at my front door, and the little control I seemed to have before was no longer effective; I had just wet myself.

As it stands, this is the second time I have had to deal with urinary incontinence in a week. It is cause for concern as it is understandable that the complete resolution of prostate issues will take time.

Wear to wherever

For the long-haul flights to and from South Africa, my incontinence underwear cost a fortune, and their care required special washing machine bags with a low-temperature and gentle cycle programme.

Tena seems to have a more affordable range with less stringent maintenance and care factors to keep them in use. Most of the time, I do try to be near public conveniences, and it also makes sense to use them as often as possible, to avoid being so hard-pressed and causing a mishap.

Generally, these are for leaks rather than for full flows; containing this within the underwear rather than allowing it to show around the front and down the trouser leg could be a saving grace too.

Thought Picnic: Of Justin Bieber in London with that look

Unconcerned

Now, apparently, a Mr Justin Bieber has been on a UK tour, having been in Manchester the week before when I was up there and then in London as the weekend rolled in.

I do not particularly care for his kind of music but I have seen the female folk swoon and squeal with glee at his appearance and performance that I can quite patently say I do not want whatever they are on to make them see whatever they are seeing or hear whatever they are hearing.

Then again, for the kind of music the young man purveys, he has become rather financially successful and some credit for his upbringing should go to his tenacious mum, Pattie Mallette whose intrusion into the public sphere has now included her sententiously religious opinions about abortion.

Unabashed

He turned 19 on the 1^st of March and he allegedly was staying at The Langham London which along with its luxurious opulence will not be lacking in the class and grace of a decent gourmet restaurant, however, the dear boy thought he might have a kebab instead, we cannot for now vouch for what kind of meat might be on the skewer with the food industry horsing around on pigs and cows that we might just be racing camels at the Grand National if all the horses enter the food chain.

One should not begrudge the man the need for something less exquisite, the presence of means does suddenly accrue to good bearing and exemplary mien, these things cannot be brought and only so much can be taught.

Unimpressed

It turns out that he left the hotel topless and what a body he appears to have but the low-hanging trousers exposing the full complement of his underwear must be the lowest expression of oafish conduct I have seen since I last told some boys on an Amsterdam shopping street to pull up their trousers and stop assaulting and outraging public decency with cack-ridden slips.

Every picture captured of the boy, because it does not become a man to be in such a state of undignified exposure, rankles with revulsion that makes one give up the hope of rescuing a fashion victim that has no doubt become a fashion suicide.

The worst bit of this display of gaol fashion that was attributed to men in prison who allowed themselves this demonstration to suggest they were available to be used as sex objects is the many others who will model their slouching gait and backside exposure tendencies after this Justin Bieber enterprise which should attract much excoriation and opprobrium.

Unacceptable

If my life had taken another course, a 19-year old kid would probably have been a 3^rd or 4^th child and I cannot see how regardless of situation, circumstance or peer pressure where any of my children would have been allowed to walk the streets inappropriately dressed to fit in with a nominally uncouth culture and appearance.

Being proper and properly attired is a matter of breeding, class and comportment without having to be dependent on means.

At this point, if there were occasion to warrant a cacophonous imposition on my aural faculties of this man’s crooning croaks my estimation of this very successful man who William Shakespeare would have effusively praised by saying, “You show yourself highly fed and lowly taught,” would not move one to find the slightest respect for his standing.

You only have to see the pictures to understand where I am coming from.

Editorial: Beyond great balls of fire bringing aeroplanes down

The closeness of exploding balls

The totality of the male gender of mankind might well heave a great sigh of relief at the news that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the legendary “underwear bomber” or “pants bomber” had pleaded guilty.

When it was first announced that a terrorist with the intent of bombing a plane had all the components of the bomb in his underwear, I wrote that the sanctum of the crown jewels had been defiled.

I am sure many of us of the male gender who have once had feedback related to the tenderness of our testicles would have just found it impossible to appreciate the level of self-loathing and amazing masochism that Mr. Abdulmutallab exhibited in the wiliness to set his balls and in the process a whole plane on fire.

Given wholly to a strange cause

The powers of persuasion of his Yemeni handlers must be cause for serious study because he was by no means an idiot having studied abroad and with the means to traverse international borders with little hindrance.

A couple of times during his trial, his outbursts contradicting the fact that Osama bin Laden & Anwar al-Awlaki has been killed made some including myself wonder if he was onto pleading guilty by reason of some diminished responsibility like insanity.

More so, considering he had jettisoned his defence team and had apparently been abandoned, the seeming lack of support systems could have made for a mistrial in certain circumstances.

Spared the goriness of it all

Much as many would have wanted to be privy to all the details of how he gained the moniker of “pants bomber” being spared the details of a platform to express his pride at such foolishness was probably welcome in his pleading guilty.

He will in the next year be sentenced probably after psychiatric reports whilst the Nigerian Foreign Minister in his statement on this case bereft of diplomatic nuance risked giving tacit approval of terrorist activity, his words being misconstrued by reviewers on Twitter and in comments where he was attempting to show that Nigerian prisoners abroad will get adequate consular support.

One can only wonder what terrorist ploy others as gullible might have to mind as they attempt to evade all security measures to wreak havoc.

However, with Mr. Abdulmutallab slowing moving out of the news headlines it should also mean that the association of Nigerians with international terrorism is less so obvious.

Acknowledgements

The BBC News website carried the story 'Underwear bomber' Abdulmutallab pleads guilty, yesterday whilst the Vanguard Newspaper ran the story Nigeria will not abandon Farouk Abdulmutallab, says Minister.

Fashion, function and fit

Not fit for the kitchen

There was a reference in the Newsweek magazine about their online magazine pertaining to lingerie makers now being close to finding the right balance of fashion, function and fit for brassieres.

That alliteration (fashion, function and fit) tweaked something in me about things I saw so recently. Last weekend I ventured with my friend from work back to the African Kitchen where we have all agreed that the lack of competition in the Nigerian cuisine restaurant market leaves us completely robbed blind for bad food and rotten service.

However, we find ourselves returning because some of what we like takes a whole lot of time to prepare; that is not to say we, the punters, are not good cooks in our own right, but the logistics are not a walk in the park.

The codename of the restaurant has been Barawo (thief in Hausa) for the best part of 4 months – the things we suffer.

Not impressed

As we arrived, there were no tables available so we sat at the bar where this “sexy” lady took our orders. She turned around and bent down to get some drinks out of the fridge and all that should be concealed was revealed.

I am probably not as hot-blooded with a rampaging libido as many of the men that frequent that restaurant who might be excited by such views, I was utterly disgusted.

For me, I find no pleasure in voyeurism and I do not enjoy anything that leaves nothing to the imagination, nor do I fantasise about bedding such lack of sophistication – it was indecent, unflattering, dirty and debauched – I am supposed to be in a restaurant not a lap-dancing club.

In any case, she might be in fashion, but the function of the trousers she was wearing was lost as it exposed her nudity, the fit was bad and not fit for purpose – the image that lingers assaults my peace and has me in a tentative state of grabbing for a sickbag.

Seat cleaners required

Then, on the tram the other day, this boy got on and sat two spaces next to me, as I gave a side glance, my disgust with low-hanging trousers was completed with utter revulsion.

I thought, the exposure of the underwear was compensated for by longer tops, but this was not the case, he was sat with his exposed underwear directly on the seat.

That really worried me, cack-laden, stinking, gooey threadbare undergarments rubbed onto public seating that others would use unawares picking up such foreign fecal matter and what not.

I know that most public conveniences now have toilet seat cleaning facilities, would I now have to acquire seat cleaning aids for using public transport.

No doubt again, the boy was following fashion, but the function of the trousers in concealing the underwear was lost and really, the simple thing is the trousers do not fit; else they would not be hanging down.

The foolishness of this fashion is completed with the fact that the legs of the trousers seem to be long enough, but instead of folding them up, they all sweep the ground and any ground anywhere like a bridal train till the trouser hem – if that is the right phrase – looks like rags.

A short distraction

So, I shook my head yesterday afternoon as I took the long bus trip from the more salubrious 805 Restaurant on Old Kent Road – one can get a black cab there but never one back into town.

The lady got off the bus and her skirt was so short that all adjustments she made still meant it was not long enough to cover the detail and quite so short that the curiosity that might have made it interesting left one less complimentary of what any right-thinking person would call a tramp.

How people leave their homes without a double-take in front of a full-length mirror on the exit door of their houses escapes me. If you have to continually adjust the fitting of your apparel after you have left home, you are not properly dressed and you should return home and sort it out.

The things idiots do in the name of fashion.

Buttocks are richer Botox

Golden undies

Whilst I was out shopping for canes and mobile phone deals, I could not help but noting the number of billboards that now have David Beckham (Golden Balls) modelling Emporio Armani briefs.

Now, some advertising executive might think he has me on his demographic, I am afraid, only Sloggis do it for me and if you modelled them on cows, it would not make any difference to the fact that they provide in the mode, adequate support for the crown jewels.

Cheap undies

I had hardly walked up a shopping street when I came across a group of teenage boys all dressed up to their trendy nines with trousers hanging down the wrong place that I cursed under my breath – Young man pull up your trousers, I cannot stand the sight of your cheap and tattered underwear.

It is interesting to read that 1 in 5 men now go for Botox treatments, it really makes you wonder; I can handle a massage, a facial, a manicure and even hazard a pedicure.

Irksome Metrosexuals

If only someone with big fat and flabby buttocks would sit on their faces and aerate their clogged pores with bombastic flatulence – that would be Botox for free and probably healthier – they are called Metrosexuals, I hear.

So, as I was getting off the metro, the “man” in front of me who looked like he had Schwarzenegger muscles got up and made for the door with a handbag slung over his shoulder and bag handles that looked like something off Margaret Thatcher’s Salvatore Ferragamo hand bag.

Men with handbags, what next?

How I withheld the impulse of putting my good foot into his backside to shake the metro off his sexual vaunt, escapes me, I would have giggled with glee as he scraped the ground for the cuticle treatment that would have been damaged by breaking his fall and his hair flopped over his face like a Dulux dog – I know what I like about people, but that does not include those who leave me confused about the sex of the person.

Metrosexual – My foot! I should apply for a job in one of those men’s beauty parlours and make all their cheeks rogue-red with a decent oxy-acetylene torch – What is this world coming to? I ask.

Widespread Gusset Anxiety

The question again

One can only sympathise with Jeremy Paxman as his indefatigable penchant to obtaining an answer to a question that he does not mind asking as many as 12 times, he gives focus to another area of serious concern for men – their underwear.

Clearly, the importance of the right support with ones undergarments cannot be over-emphasized.

When I was in secondary school, you had to tuck your manhood underneath which meant your underwear had to be flexible, comfortable and fitting enough to keep it there, else everyone accused you of “rough parking”, as a car wrongly parked in a parking bay.

M&S Underwear

It would appear Jeremy Paxman shops for underwear at the Altar of the Patron Saint of Undergarments in the temple buildings of Marks and Spencer (M&S).

Now, I have never shopped there for my underwear despite the reputable it has in the United Kingdom, my only experience of the service one can get on those matters was when a new check-out till was opened for the lengthening queue – the tiller lady had a name-tag with Bra Advisor as her job title.

I doubt if there is a Briefs or Boxers Advisor on the staff of Marks and Spencer but Mr. Paxman wants answers to certain questions and in particular, the one about why his trusted underwear bought at an M&S store does not offer the customary support.

He has written the newly ennobled chief executive Sir Stuart Rose about what he politely referred to as a “widespread gusset anxiety”.

Boxers are horrible

Evidently, those who asked the question if Mr. Paxman is a briefs or boxers man should have deduced that boxers provide no support; they, boxers are horrible to say the least.

Now, I can say I have never acquired a rag of Calvin Klein’s or any of those things that young men wear and have to show off by walking the streets with their trousers round their ankles as a fashion statement.

I am a Sloggi’s man, with the choice of tanga, maxi, mini, midi and shorts, only the maxi and shorts give me the support I require. They are getting rarer in the stores but every opportunity I get to find them; I take them off the shelf.

Meanwhile, I hope Sir Stuart Rose has some good answers for Jeremy Paxman, else he would really have his knickers in twist and hopefully he would wince with pain in response to a kick to the goolies. We need support.

Indecent Exposure Law is good

Flash of flesh

Many a time I have walked down the street and been almost compelled to make a citizen's arrest either with a possible charge of outraging public decency or indecent exposure.

I know I have covered this topic to the point of door-knob boredom, but it matters and it should matter.

Only two days ago, a judge and knight of the realm was cleared of "flashing" on the train in what presumably was a case of mistaken identity, though the accuser is only too convinced that she had her man.

Beyond that, "streaking" would almost certainly get a caution if not a custodial sentence, psychological evaluation might warrant sectioning.

With Summer warming up on us, there would be cases of unacceptable public appearances masquerading as trendy and fashionable when in fact the supposed freedom of expression is no less an obscenity.

See no pants

So, in what is amazingly a rare piece of commonsense values, Delcambre in Louisiana will adopt a law banning the wearing of saggy trousers. I can very well see why the unnecessary exposure of one's underwear or unseemly body parts in places not accorded the right to nudity like a beach or pool should agitate the puritan and the square; it should affect everyone and it should not be condoned.

Some have said the law is racially motivated because this is the kind of fashion of hip hop fans - I would brook none of that - there is no reason for any member of the human race not to appear decently covered in public, regardless of the Emperor's New Clothes we wear as fashion.

In the end, I do not want to see your underwear; the whole reason why it is called underwear is because it should be under your clothes. Then love handles, exposed bellies from ill-fitting cropped tops, if you have no shame, are you game for a police caution and a hefty fine?

This is a law that has come into its time, if we can ban smoking, this would not be a long way off - hopefully.