Essential Snobbery 101: Never consider wagging your tail in court

Wagging for position

When the term WAGs (wives and girlfriends) of high-profile England football team players was coined and moved into popular usage to extend to the female partners of high-profile sportsmen, I do not think it had any encomium quality apart from being dismissive and probably derisive, but it had some currency in the gossip columns, if that was your fare and where you got your news, in the tabloids.

To the snooty, a WAG’s profile depended on the fortunes of her spouse, though many are typically good mothers, generally independent women, good at keeping their men grounded and focused; some even have careers that predate any association with their men of celebrity, they make news and money on their own account, and they should be commended, as exemplary people.

Wagging societal status

However, recently, the high court has witnessed the libel trial that has taken Wagatha Christie into folklore, Coleen Rooney the wife of Wayne Rooney, one-time the captain of the England team and a with a very successful playing career that has moved into less laudable coaching, suspected someone was selling personal information to the papers from her Instagram account, so, she laid a trap of posting false stories exposed to certain individuals to see which one would end up in the tabloids. She revealed that Rebekah Vardy, the wife of Jamie Vardy, a prolific goal-scorer and England team player, was the one.

It takes no guessing that the detective work by Coleen Rooney was given the moniker of one of the most famous murder mystery writers of the 20^th century, Agatha Christie, WAG conveniently attaches to it as tabloid journalism is wont to ululate and grab our attention. For publicly pointing the finger at her, Rebekah Vardy has taken Coleen Rooney to court, and we had a feast of revelations, even as this case should never have gone to court if wiser heads had prevailed.

These ladies, awash with money and influence, though it would be profligate of one to add class, have presented an interesting characterisation of being not only upwardly mobile but that people with a typically working-class upbringing can visit the courts on matters of reputational damage that used to be the preserve of the gentrified signifies how much English society has changed.

Wagging a sausage

Obviously, there are swipes, muggings, drive-by shootings, and collateral damage, like gangland warfare, not literally, but herein is the corrosiveness of gossip; there is someone not involved that gets hurt in more ways than necessary. As we learnt with no substantiation to the veracity of the claim that Rebekah Vardy had alleged to someone that Peter Andre, a one-time chart-topping musician who is the star of musicals and reality television shows, wields a manhood that could be described as a chipolata.

A chipolata is a kind of sausage, and we can leave the rest to the imagination. Peter Andre would appear to be a man hard, wrong choice of word, anyway, the allegation would suggest Rebekah Vardy has met Peter Andre in a state of the Emperor’s New Clothes to have examined the goods and come away unimpressed.

A situation, the hard, wrong choice of word again, the apparently wronged man cannot seem to recall, and since this revelation was made in court and published for public amusement, he is considering going to court to restore his reputation to ensure than endowed is qualified and never alluded to on matters of his appendage. [The Independent: Peter Andre ‘considering legal action’ over Rebekah Vardy’s chipolata jibe about his manhood]

Don’t wag this tail

In my view, this would be totally ill-advised, nothing good comes out of it, it is one thing for someone to describe your private parts to court, it is totally another for the courts to be persuaded to examine your goods for the purposes of the verification according to the description given for length, girth, colour, distinctive characteristics and whatnot, it is not an identity card.

Besides, this apparent chipolata functions majestically; it does not shoot blanks. He has 4 beautiful children who probably would not want this part of their father’s natural endowments exposed to the spectacle of an unseemly legal charade. The associated members of Michael Jackson, Rolf Harris, and Max Clifford came up in their sexual abuse trials, for which the latter two went to jail, and no matter how you imagined it, what came to light was not pretty.

Much as any man, except if in the sex industry with something to talk about, would not want to have his entities on display or as a subject of public commentary, I am unsure that court action would quieten the sniggers, snide comments, or jibes. It is the kind of thing you should allow to die, suffocated by public spectacle, except if Rebekah Vardy decides she has no heart for another court battle and totally recants the allegation, possibly with the added statement that she has never met Peter Andre to be that acquainted with him.

I have no interest in knowing what Peter Andre measures, which might go for a lot of us. Personally, I would have sought a means to view a slight in jest and move on with my life, for if I had means, opportunity, and clout, it would not be expended into proving, curvature, cut, or colour. I am not as invested in my phallic appendage as to put it on show. Peter Andre might be hard done by, but he is not hard-pressed to prove anything – let it go.

Swaffelen is the Dutch word of the year

The Dutch amuse

Living in the Netherlands offers its bouts of seriousness and levity as people engage in activities that leave us expatriates amazed, astonished, aghast, amused, appalled or abashed.

This one that I write about takes it to another level of concealed lewdness that juxtaposes the supposed Calvinist roots of the Dutch with a secret appetite for the lascivious.

The authoritative dictionary publishers Van Dale fed into the Dutch propensity for end-of-year lists and nominations which resulted in a word being selected as the Dutch word of the year.

Amorously attracted to India

Swaffelen took 57% [1] of 16,000 votes and somehow the organisers of this nomination frenzy cannot explain why this word seemed to make it to the top.

Swaffelen is as verb by reason of the –en suffix but it is not a Dutch word per se, it has for some reason become common usage if not impolite when used.

It owes its notoriety to the filming of an event where a Dutch student was arrested for swaffling against the Taj Mahal in India.

Slapped across the face in titillation

I would not suggest my readers know the meaning of the word swaffle but the urban dictionary [2] gives a very phallic connotation of the male member being slapped forwards and backwards against a partner’s face.

In other cases, it is allowing the repetitive whipping of the male member on something for stimulation of self or the pleasure of others, a liberal dose of which might be orgasmic – the Dutch lexicographers have gone into overdrive looking for homonyms in other languages.

It reads like one would want to swaffle only to realise that you are not at a delicatessen but you have already produced a serving of thin-sliced phallic salami (mind what participates in a swaffle) – I grab the parts for a miraculous rescue of the mythically renowned endowments of the negroid.

I may never understand the Dutch but if swaffelen is what excites them, male and female together – each to their own – my word of the year would most certainly be Reprobates!

Source

[1] Swaffelen is Dutch word of the year – Expatica

[2] Urban Dictionary: swaffle

A male bird is a cock

Enter the silly cow

Going back to the fundamentals of gender differentiation, the male of the homo-sapiens sapiens species is called man and the female is called woman. I do recall from the creation story that inference - male and female, made He them.

The male of the bovine species is bull, the female cow - maybe that is skirting the limits of decent conversation, we might lose the ability to use the gender differentiator just in case someone gets offended with the use of the word cow. I have heard "silly cow", but this would never be uttered by your respectable gentleman here.

However, I am about to become a raging bull for the fact that the avian species might be afforded the choice of hen for the female but not again cock for the male.

This is no joke and it comes from no less an authority on birds than the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, one might just surmise they have been mixing bird guano in their teas and coffees and have gone quack-quack.

Protect the cock

Any sensible person would think such an organisation would protect the basic gender identity of the species they have full remit to protect and conserve from extinction, but a somewhat unfortunate if not incipient fixation and obsession with the human phallic symbol has attacked the functioning elements of their sanity that this stupidity is now evident.

Obviously, we are told that it is their word processor or Internet filters that mark cock as sensitive and obscene such that a male blackbird becomes a **** blackbird.

If only one can get a parrot to recite without respite "A male bird is a cock", their bird brains - Ooops! Sorry birds - might just see that they have chosen to better be sorry than safe.

Would we eventually lose the word bird because it could be used to refer to the female species of the human race? Too wit to woo!

Beyond plume and wattle, I hope that respectable ornithologists would ensure that this idiocy receives enough derisive commentary even if faces go redder than a robin's breast, this must not thrive, all the more for making this an unpleasant and less gay day.

This is political correctness gone mad - Internet filters - my foot! Awk! Awk!