Quickening my steps from silly fears

How did I get here?

There are places my legs have carried that my feelings have taken on exciting alertness in the anticipation of danger whilst I rationalise in my mind and thoughts that there is nothing to fear, for where I am passing through would soon be behind me.

Then, I do not think that works that well for me when I find myself near old churchyards or graveyards. Something from my youthful past when my imagination was triggered by conversations, I overheard that presented apparitions of deep conviction no one else could perceive.

I quicken my steps whilst trying to keep my mind clear of inspiration or vision of the paranormal. You wonder how these things seem to have an enduring effect even though one is spared the experience that makes horror films tame.

Maybe I should just stop being irrationally timid, so I am not limited by foreboding, premonition, superstition, or intangible fright. It is a work in progress still and that is part of living and experience, the stuff stories are made of. I know I can find perfect peace for my mind and my wildest thoughts.

Keep doing the good things for yourself

There I go

The thought that I would think nothing of walking 3 or even 5 kilometres to a tram stop to take me out to a walk for nature walks no more surprises me. I decide I want to go somewhere, chart a course the tram stop furthest away, yet on a straightforward route and make out for it.

In the 5 of so directions I ply from my home, I have a good sense of where the kilometre markings are up to the fourth in at least one case. I know that if I have gone out 5 kilometres, I probably will do at least 10 kilometres, my 10,000-step count is usually between the 7^th and 8^th kilometre.

The pleasure in doing

I do not know how long the walking will go on for, last night was one of interesting determination, for it was in driving rain, I put on my waterproof poncho to make up the just over 5,000 steps for the day’s target. I am on a mission, there is a badge for walking at least 10,000 steps daily for 21 days and I am just a couple of days short of it.

After that, I wonder if I would get the 100 days in a row before I hit 5,000,000 steps. In the absence of an exercise buddy, you have to set your own goals and targets, using that as motivation and impetus to keep going. I suppose I have applied the same spirit to my blogging, that even in the absence of anything to write about, I write all the same.

Much as I hate the word discipline as it suggests compulsion to varying extents, sometimes, to stick at something, you need it, even if you don’t acknowledge it. Accomplishments, personal or celebrated are good for boosting one’s self-esteem.

Stop wishing others sweet dreams as they go to sleep

Sleeping duties

Knowledge can be troublesome at times and nowhere has this been that interesting than getting an understanding of my sleeping patterns over the last week. My Honor Band 5 tracker has been plotting my daily sleep cycle from wakefulness to deep sleep, indicating I have not been getting enough deep sleep and the continuity of my deep sleep is too below the expected levels.

I seem to have lots of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, which apparently is the lightest form of sleep and the region in which you dream and remember the dreams. Who would have thought wishing someone sweet dreams as they were going to bed was hardly wishing they would have a restful night?

Then, I do appear to have an above range period of light sleep, I am putting in the hours though the graphical representation of REM Sleep to Light Sleep to Deep Sleep with the fluctuations and durations can be the stuff of serious mathematical computations yet to find some formulaic expression.

Becoming better friends

I have decided not to bother too much about it, I am getting some good hours. Except if I go to a professional sleep clinic for clinical and scientific observation, I probably will not learn much more about how to benefit from sleep.

Then, it is probably the long-term side effects of pills I have been on for over a decade. The somewhat imposed decision to change them did not work that well with me for after 7 weeks, I had had enough of being a guinea pig two years ago that I asked to be put back on my old drug regimen. Besides, I have shied away from sleep medication for as long as I can remember, I would get as much sleep as nature will allow.

Some modifications to diet, the time I take my sleep and when I take my pills, might help. I have not murdered sleep; I just need to find out how we can be better than just friends.

Prejudice has no place in Christianity

The Rainbow flag fluttering on the Tower of the Manchester Cathedral today 

The Rainbow flag - Manchester Cathedral

The tenderness that prevails

The fact that I could even be religious at this time of my life is a product of divine tenderness and mercifulness that fills me with both awe and gratitude. This is because my personal experience with many strands of Christianity in the church, the customs and traditions that became rituals of strict observation replacing Scripture with the seeming helplessness of adherents whilst they were taken advantage of by those in authority creating personality cults is enough to be bruised for a lifetime.

Yet, within this morass of faith and spirituality, the conflicts of thought, truth, and humanity, I have found something that gives me a sense of belonging along with experiencing wonder in spirituality and belief. I have written many times about the fact that I have returned to my Church of England Anglican roots, it works exceedingly well for me.

Outsiders everyone

The readings in church today along with the sermon delivered by the Dean of Manchester was a ministry in diversity. The first part was in Apostle Paul’s epistle to the Romans, the first verse and part of the second, then the verses 29 to 32. This was one that jumped out at me that I did not appear to notice that well before.

The Message translation says it best for all the versions I have reviewed. I start with, “God’s gifts and God’s call are under full warranty—never cancelled, never rescinded.” Yes, I still speak in tongues and I got introduced to that in the Pentecostal phase of my Christian growth, I get much comfort and sustenance from doing so.

However, it is this that was amazing to me, “In one way or another, God makes sure that we all experience what it means to be outside so that he can personally open the door and welcome us back in.” God has made us all the same, wanting and unqualified that we all can recognise His mercy. [Bible Gateway: Romans 11: 29 – 32 (MSG)]

The crumbs are enough

The gospel reading came from the book of Matthew 15:21-28, where a Syrophoenician Canaanite woman came to Jesus to ask for the healing of her daughter who was demon-possessed. At first, Jesus ignored her, but she was unrelenting. Jesus asserted He was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel, but she approached more closely and worshipped Him.

At that point, Jesus said, “It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs.” This is a statement I have never fully understood because it reads as both an insult and deep prejudice. Somewhere else Jesus had said, and I paraphrase, “Shouldn’t this daughter of Abraham who had been bound by Satan for 18 years be set free on the Sabbath?” Yet, here, it appeared he was not ready to help.

The woman however challenged his prejudice with a retort, “Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” As far as she was concerned, the crumbs falling off the table would feed the dogs, and the crumbs of a miracle she wanted for her daughter would be enough to heal her. [Bible Gateway: Matthew 15: 21 – 28 (NKJV)}

The great faith of outsiders

To which Jesus commended her great faith and at that instant, her daughter was healed. It is notable to realise that Jesus always marvelled about little faith amongst his disciples and his people, but commended great faith non-Jews, like the Roman centurion who just needed Jesus to speak the word to heal his servant, of the Canaanite woman who believed crumbs falling off the table to dogs would heal her daughter. [Bible Gateway: Matthew 8: 5 – 13 (NKJV)]

More pertinently, it was about addressing prejudice, discrimination, inequality, difference, racism and anything divisional factor that diminishes our humanity. Our Dean was born in South Africa, here, he would be identified as black, in South Africa, he would be distinguished as Coloured. He experienced Apartheid at the beginning of his ministry in Durban and saw the Christian charity of people who refused to have prejudice remove him from the parish to which he was posted.

An inclusive church

During the last week, he supervised the hoisting of the Rainbow flag on the tower of the church, it was his clear message of inclusiveness of the church at which he has been the Dean since 2006. I was quite moved by his message; I was close to tears. The New Testament, Gospel and Christian underpinnings of the readings, his sermon and philosophy were clear, the church will not exclude anyone.

There is a bigger message here, but I reflect on how I have been able to come to terms with my sexuality and spirituality. A difficult journey in many respects and very personal too. I remember telling my pastor in my Evangelical church about my struggle with homosexuality, he asked questions, sought understanding, never judged nor condemned me. He always saw me first as a person and asked how he could be of help.

Further on, he wanted to appoint me to a leadership position even as the head of the global movement cleared said that was not something he personally would do. The fact is, we would not all be hot-blooded heterosexuals on the unwavering trajectory to marriage and procreation.

Knowing ourselves to know others

I cannot answer the question why, but God has a mission for everyone. I, in myself, whilst engaged in the church in other activities declined the offers to lead because I felt inadequate by reason of my situation even as my pastor saw more in me than I saw in myself.

The Rainbow flag flying proudly on the tower of the Manchester Cathedral was significant in that someone did write to the Archbishop of Canterbury to complain and the response of Archbishop was what the Dean decides to do at his church and chapter is his business.

Down in Cape Town where we attend the St. George’s Cathedral which was once the seat of Archbishop Desmond Tutu from during the Apartheid era, Brian and I find a welcoming church, an inclusive community, diverse in persons and walks of life, yet acknowledging of the fact that prejudice of any kind would not feature in the community.

People who have known prejudice should not themselves be purveyors of prejudice when prejudice of any sort is challenged, a way is opened to the embrace of our extraordinary humanity. Then in the first reading, we see that “God makes sure that we all experience what it means to be outside so that he can personally open the door and welcome us back in.”

You’re left asking one question, how can you be merciless if you have once received mercy? That is the basis and crux of Christianity, it cannot be escaped, it needs to be faced up to.

Numbering for slumbering

Where is my sleep?

My Huawei Health app in the Sleep quadrant has the curtain drawn with the snooze sign because I did not get the expected amount of sleep overnight. 2:44 hours is just not enough but I could not sleep. I went out in the morning and did just over 6 kilometres and the allotted 10,000 daily steps by the time it was 9:00AM.

I got just over another hour of sleep before having a meal in the afternoon and then setting out for another walk that stretched to 15.06 kilometres and 30,168 steps by 20:24 today. I don’t think I would be doing much more today, I tired enough to have settled in bed to lie down and fall asleep.

Numbers showing effort

In all, I have put in 24.78 kilometres altogether. To think there were months when I did not make 20,000 steps in total and now, I exceeded the 25,000 steps from 2 years ago on Sunday at over 28,000 and today bested it.

What I have noticed is I feel no effects from the walks, however long they are and averaging 22,520 steps a day for this week. Though it is not the numbers that matter, they still give an indication of what effort is going into it and hopefully, the effects would begin to show, not yet on the weight, but the girth is narrowing. That’s progress and good too.

Caught at the end of a long walk

The big dreams without limits

I dream many dreams,
None at all little or small,
For with the gift of faith,
I move impossible mountains,
With the joy of hope,
I see the unseen possible,
The power of love,
Changing my life along with others.

I dream many dreams,
My imagination I great thrall,
Of beauty in which I bathe,
I gleam in sparking fountains,
Nothing limiting my scope,
My world inexhaustible,
By the glow of love,
I appreciate the goodness in others.

I dream many dreams,
To the sound of a waterfall,
Nature lays out a swathe,
Rolling into verdant mountains,
Into the fresh air, I elope,
To embrace the adorable,
In the depth of love,
I find one perfect out of all others.

 

The measure of the day and beyond

Beyond the hurdles

At work, it is a negotiation of the politics and empires that leave us pitched in turf wars where one’s basic mission is to provide service continuity regardless of the circumstances. It just feels strange that working for the same organisation, rather than facilitate some seem to find professional status in frustrating things.

You draw on your deepest communication tools of illustration, scenarios, and persuasion in the hope that the reasonableness of the proposed direction would appeal to the better part of acquiescence where refusal is the default position.

Many things and thanks

On the mind is also the desire that the restrictions locally, nationally, and internationally get eased for travel and a modicum of tourism. Though my reason for wanting this is closer to the heart, it’s been so long for too long, but we keep faith and assurance than things would change for the better.

Quite full of gratitude, I am, the kind of energy that courses through my veins that I just go on 15-kilometre walks, just like that and return home feeling literally nothing from all that walking. Just a few weeks ago, I would barely do 2,500 steps in an hour and now, I can see times when I am putting in over 3,800 steps.

I am indeed grateful for the gift of life over 10 years after cancer that there can be some pleasure in exercise and great expectations of love and more. Each day is the renewal of hope, strengthened in the knowledge that someone loves me as much as I love him. We have a word ahead of us and we would go there and to places, we have only dared dream of too. Our preparations are apace.