Eurovision: My hats are safe

Royaume Uni nul points

The review goes; Scooch was characteristically undeterred by the result. As one of them said, "To be honest, this experience has been one in a million".

It was a unique opportunity to ascribe dumbness and ignominy to the name of their country and they did so well, we were 19^th on the appearance list and scored 19 points in total, result; a joint 22^nd out of 24 participants.

Flying the flag for utter embarrassment, they did with aplomb.

The seriousness with which we handle the Eurovision Song Contest has definitely taken on the characteristic inane commentary and banter of Sir Terry Wogan, insensitive, flippant, unserious, ignorant and sometimes just stupid.

Playing to lose

When the selection contest took place a few months ago, we had seasoned artistes that already had commercial success but they were not good enough for the goal - cynical as it may seem, the whole charade is a desperate pessimistic run to the bottom, we deliberate chose songs that we know would never do well and acts that seek the Raspberry Award of performance - the goal, to ensure that we come last and we almost did.

How can 42 countries vote for a performance and we end up with 19 points (5 from Ireland and 12 from Malta) where the maximum points are 12 from any one country? Ireland only got 5 points in all, but somehow, their music was a bit uninspiring, which was a shame.

Yes, there is a bit of politicking with the way countries vote for kindred nations, but who is really a kindred nation with Serbia - a good few - that swept the gold with 268 points?

How on earth?

If effort is put into the music and performance where talent rather than mediocrity is allowed to shine, we can do a lot better, we have won the contest a good number of times, and it can be done, if done well.

It beggars belief that many other countries could not make the final in the light of what we had to offer, again, cynicism makes one feel there was a need for the utterly ridiculous and the UK entry made that grade.

Scooch would not have made a real cabin crew, they were horrible, the stereotypes were crude and the costumes would definitely have made Aeroflot crew look so smart.

The world a rotten oyster

Before Scooch now, their world is an oyster gone seriously off, there was no political or prevailing situation concerning the UK as in 2003 when our involvement in Iraq lead to the infamous nul points - complete zero result - this time we were a rotten performance and I would only have found greater consolation if we had come last and we could not even achieve that with dignity.

Eurovision is kitsch and glitz at its more garish, but we all watch it, which means secretly, we all have a stake in the contest, the format for selection should and must change, Sir Terry could do with a healthy pension and we can really look for creative talent to do the United Kingdom proud - enough of the one in a million experiences, we need that one real opportunity to win.

Meanwhile, my hats are safe as we did not win anything and the cabin crew did open the doors at 35,000 feet.

The Eurovision Blogs

Eurovision: At 35,000ft - Cabin crew open doors

Helpless against inanity

Sadly, La Pays-Bas (The Netherlands in French) would not be represented at the Eurovision Song Contest 2007 this weekend in Helsinki, Finland, thereby; they would be spared the ignominy of zero points at the time of reckoning.

The entry from the United Kingdom sung by Scooch with the title Flying the Flag came a “respectable” 19^th out of 24 possible places, amazing.

The scoring for the contest represented by the scorecard (PDF) would offer marks out of 12 for the song, the performance, the choreography (three-legged dance steps) and the outfit.

What we can expect from Scooch would be a song so silly, a performance not befitting of a trolley dolly, the choreography of air crew doing the safety talking and outfits that would make Aeroflot girls look smart.

We should just prepare ourselves for the embarrassment that would stem from singing these words, if we do win anything, I would eat my hat, I said this before. Read and cringe, the theme is cabin crew banter.

The lyrics

This is your captain speaking; I’d like to welcome you aboard this Eurovision flight

The duration will be 3 minutes exactly – now sit back, relax and enjoy the flight

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Duty free madam?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
We’re flying the flag all over the world - Flying the flag for you

London to Berlin
All the way from Paris to Tallinn
Helsinki on to Prague
Don’t matter where we are –yeah yeah ye-ah

Flying high in Amsterdam
Why don’t you catch us if you can
Now we’re cruising in the sky
And we’re singing it for you

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Some salted nuts sir?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da

We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you
Would you like a complimentary drink with your meal sir?
We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you…

Ladies & Gentlemen, your exits are located here, here and here
To fasten your seatbelt insert the fitting
To use the life vest, slip it over your head
Pull firmly on the red cord and blow into the mouthpiece

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da

We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you

We’re flying the flag all over the world - yes we’re flying - take you all around the world
Flying the flag for you
Would you like something to suck on for landing sir?
We’re flying the flag all over the world - yes we’re flying - take you all around the world
Flying the flag for you…

We’d like to thank you for flying with us today

Anyone in the jet set would automatically know that is some no-frills budget airline with passengers flying cattle class, with an aisle just wide enough for a single file of the slimmest people on earth.

Ba-ba-da, yeah, Ba-ba-da? You cannot get more bubblegum than that.

Oh! How really deeply embarrassing this would be and the shame of coming last would be such a consolation.

Captain: This is your captain speaking, we are cruising at 35,000 feet, Cabin Crew, doors to manual please. You can open the doors.

Royaume Uni null points

I don't watch that

The EuroVision Song Contest is one of those shows that no one would confess to watching but it could as well be a long night, a pyjama party with old friends only allowing for wine or beer as opposed to orange squash.

The preparations which include a contest to sing the song for Europe in the UK does involve a lot of fanfare, however, it is rare for any of the winning songs to show the promise of winning anything out there.

This year, we had a number of has-been stars who had once before had commercial success and won music awards, but there is this self-defeating under-current of trying to expose unknown artistes rather than successful artistes , this left-wing and dogmatic stance just means that we would end up agreeing on the day that our song is no match for the competition.

Anyway, one did not watch the selection show and for the many of us of an unnoticably snobbish disposition, we missed out on the farce that would make the show compelling viewing in May and next year.

Gaffe results in farce

As the contest came to an end, considering the ongoing phone-in scandals that have engulfed The UK and The Netherlands lately, the announcement was made of the winner by Sir Terry Wogan as Cyndi meanwhile the little voice of the co-host annouced Scooch had won.

One thing I have against these telephone voting contests is that not much of it looks transparent, their might be adjudicators and observers but we are not told the total number of calls made and consequently the number of votes each contestant has won before arriving at the suspense-ridden announcement.

This is obviously convenient because it is then difficult to ascertain from a public perspective how much money has been made from the premium rate calls besides other pertinent information.

Bubblegum silliness

Scooch have modelled themselves on the winners of the 1981 song contest - Bucks Fizz whose winning song was the title of the selection show called Making Your Mind Up - But Scooch are what is known as a bubblegum dance group and they lived up to that expectation, the dancing was smarmy, the singing was silly, the lyrics would make the worst nursery rhyme for kids without humour and it will win nothing.

Europeans surely do not want to be aurally assaulted with namby-pamby music when more exciting talent exists, but all gets stifled but officialdom that has its musical trends fossilised in the 1970s - that was 3 decades ago, for crying out loud.

No points no please

Just like the results, if they do make it past the semi-finals in Helsinki, Finalnd on the 10^th of May, expect more British humiliation on the 12^th of May where Royaume Uni null points would be the chorus from far and near.

There might be one instance of being given 12 points and then that restated as zero points; it so happens, when it comes to the Eurovision Song Contest, we have perfected the art of performing for failure and the only real contestant winning anything is Sir Terry Wogan and his snide and humourless comments which somehow provide for entertainment to many.

Assuredly about Eurovision 2007, I would not be eating my words.