Royaume Uni nul points
The review goes; Scooch was characteristically undeterred by the result. As one of them said, "To be honest, this experience has been one in a million".
It was a unique opportunity to ascribe dumbness and ignominy to the name of their country and they did so well, we were 19th on the appearance list and scored 19 points in total, result; a joint 22nd out of 24 participants.
Flying the flag for utter embarrassment, they did with aplomb.
The seriousness with which we handle the Eurovision Song Contest has definitely taken on the characteristic inane commentary and banter of Sir Terry Wogan, insensitive, flippant, unserious, ignorant and sometimes just stupid.
Playing to lose
When the selection contest took place a few months ago, we had seasoned artistes that already had commercial success but they were not good enough for the goal - cynical as it may seem, the whole charade is a desperate pessimistic run to the bottom, we deliberate chose songs that we know would never do well and acts that seek the Raspberry Award of performance - the goal, to ensure that we come last and we almost did.
How can 42 countries vote for a performance and we end up with 19 points (5 from Ireland and 12 from Malta) where the maximum points are 12 from any one country? Ireland only got 5 points in all, but somehow, their music was a bit uninspiring, which was a shame.
Yes, there is a bit of politicking with the way countries vote for kindred nations, but who is really a kindred nation with Serbia - a good few - that swept the gold with 268 points?
How on earth?
If effort is put into the music and performance where talent rather than mediocrity is allowed to shine, we can do a lot better, we have won the contest a good number of times, and it can be done, if done well.
It beggars belief that many other countries could not make the final in the light of what we had to offer, again, cynicism makes one feel there was a need for the utterly ridiculous and the UK entry made that grade.
Scooch would not have made a real cabin crew, they were horrible, the stereotypes were crude and the costumes would definitely have made Aeroflot crew look so smart.
The world a rotten oyster
Before Scooch now, their world is an oyster gone seriously off, there was no political or prevailing situation concerning the UK as in 2003 when our involvement in Iraq lead to the infamous nul points - complete zero result - this time we were a rotten performance and I would only have found greater consolation if we had come last and we could not even achieve that with dignity.
Eurovision is kitsch and glitz at its more garish, but we all watch it, which means secretly, we all have a stake in the contest, the format for selection should and must change, Sir Terry could do with a healthy pension and we can really look for creative talent to do the United Kingdom proud - enough of the one in a million experiences, we need that one real opportunity to win.
Meanwhile, my hats are safe as we did not win anything and the cabin crew did open the doors at 35,000 feet.
