Not any Joseph will do

Hit me again

Yes, the masochist in me was sentenced to watching the first few minutes of Any Dream Will Do and it became clear that the audio mugging I was receiving made the aural version of the Spanish Inquisition sound like nursery rhymes.

The soppy supportive guardians, or even parents who would call a droopy faced talentless half-trick dog a genius, almost made me shed a tear, albeit in recognition of love and somewhere near disgust; well, one needs encouragement from somewhere, but really, it has to be objective and truly sincere, blood-ties apart.

By the time the show ran for 10 minutes, I had had it, the wailing, caterwauling, screaming and crescendos like meteors whistling through the wind to create utter destruction. At one time, it was like a banshee's convention, but like a dark night sky, some stars began to twinkle from the depth of the large dark mass of the universe of deluded people who had convinced themselves beyond their safety.

A tall order

Maybe, they should have heard what Baron Lloyd-Webber was looking for, a cross between Justin Timberlake and Michael Jackson, when Michael Jackson's talent was so annoyingly in-your-face genius, critics committed suicide if they could not see the raw talent.

Many who appeared at the auditions should really keep their day jobs, it takes years of meticulous determined planning to make a career, these lotteries of the Pool of Bethesda where the crippled would never get in the water after an angel stirring are games of chance at first, but really, this requires serious talent, a good deal of money is going into this stuff and the discerning paying public would not be thinking of amateur dramatics.

Bellow of the bellows

In fact, one can see that the reality show format does help to introduce the performer to the public over 4 months and hence he would not be a complete unknown at the end, but the many who have made fools of themselves would have give us entertainment that consists of a cringe and a laugh.

Lungs are an essential organ for voice and singing as they feed the vocal cords to make sound, but I thought some lungs might have a more fulfilled calling in an ironmonger's shop as bellows to heat the forge and mercifully bellow to call out about the din of the shop.

I would now just watch this for reviews and probably the final when some talent might just be evident, but like the Baron said - Not any Joseph will do. My ears need a rest.

Any drone will do - The search for Joseph

It worked before

I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, there was another of those talent shows to be featured on the BBC.

Only in July last year, the hills were alive with the sound of croaking such that a telesales girl, Connie Fisher won the role and the professional star of the proposed show smartly pulled out for this talented girl to take the role fully as the lead and star.

The BCC reality show - How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? - looking for a lead for the Sound Of Music - Can be termed a resounding success, so why not try the format again on some other musical?

The wolfpack

Meanwhile, yesterday was the airing of another reality show, the cut-throat, Machiavellian, brown-nosing, back-stabbing and utterly "nice" The Apprentice (Series 3), I could only watch parts of it because some of the machinations just make you cringe - I am no trader, salesman, door-stepper kind of person, the driven ambition work for Sir Alan Sugar is unique, rare and interesting, but I set my terms for taking opportunities and I wish those people great success.

However, I could not help but notice the business disruption that Sir Alan introduced into the game when after each team of boys and girls had selected a project manager with whom they were beat the other team to smithereens, the team leaders were switched - that made compelling viewing.

For all this?

Unfortunately, the real-life car salesman - Andy Jackson - who had built his own business was what the losing team surmised as exchanging a tiger for a teddy bear - he was stitched up by the boys and he failed to lead the girls, the tiger however, did have her hands full marshalling the egotistical boys - it would be a funny episode.

Both winners of the first two episodes have since left the employ of Sir Alan, the first, Timothy Campbell was bid Godspeed, the second, Michelle Dewberry seems to be a long story - one wonders, after all that brouhaha and headache the winner might not even want to work for Sir Alan after all - no interview is perfect.

The person who gets fired does not walk out of the project scot-free, do not miss the spin-off The Apprentice: You're Fired hosted by Adrian Chiles immediately after the main programme in BBC Two, where the fired gets a complete autopsy of their time with The Apprentice.

Any prick will do

However, what gets my rattle is the new talent show to be called Any Dream Will Do, the main song from the musical Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour DreamCoat, the most contemporary performance of the lead role was by Jason Donovan.

Joseph is to make a return to the WestEnd and with it a new lead from the masses of the great unwashed is needed to croon or drone to enthusiastic family members first, then to the television public and finally the winner gets a dream to work like a dog making a name for himself.

Thankfully, from the run for The Sound Of Music, the judges are of a considerable of a higher standard of decorum and reserved expression than Simon Cowell who as judge on Pop Idol is utterly successful but no English Gentleman. In fact, it was interesting when Anderson Cooper interviewed him on CNN to learn that he cannot sign, write music, play a guitar properly and does not produce either, he just has an eye for good talent and helps them along - so much for being skilled.

I was Pharaoh of all Egypt

I in fact remember that I did not have to audition for the part of Pharaoh in my school's rendition of Joseph some 32 years ago; Mrs. Third with her amazing artistic talent bedecked me with a majestic crown of imitation jewellery - rubies, agates, turquoise mounted on the head dress and a shimmering golden vest.

The pictures show the detail, yes, I still have pictures of a lot more that happened before I could write. The format was such that the school choir did all the signing and we mimed, there went my opportunity to become a tenor, though I have sung baritone in the church choir.

Where it matters for me, I made Joseph my deputy when apparently I had been having bad dreams and Joseph was able to interpret those dreams and ensure that my people did not starve to death, it was one of my descendants that enslaved the Jews, you cannot blame me for that.

Anyway, Baron Lloyd-Webber, the impresario and panel of judges which includes the dashing John Barrowman and the compeering of Graham Norton would be selecting a Joseph who can sign, dance and interpret dreams. In tandem would also run a talent show for a school choir to accompany Joseph in A cappella Ah-Ha-ha's.

It would seem we are running out of talent for something original in reality shows, however, whose dream would come true and commiserations for the many who would be a dream short of a nightmare.

The memories of stardom long ago

The Pharaoh in all his glory - the choir below

Joseph interpreting my dreams

Pharaoh's court