Sunday 8 May 2011

Thought Picnic: I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

Betwixt two and in no place

I have watched with admiration a number of people who are quite well-adjusted with the issues of traditional conflicts between their lives and their spirituality.

In my case, I have not been that fortunate, rather beneath this English and gentlemanly exterior lays a complicated set of conflicting issues that is a conundrum of extremes.

I live as a man in two places, having very few true friends and many acquaintances whose relationships I have not cultivated enough to deal the issues of being single, being alone, being lonely and being apart.

The communities that I strive to participate in have me on the periphery, the satisfaction each provides is temporary and none can provide lasting rewards if things continues as they are.

Perdition and salvation

My flesh has desire; my spirit does aspire whilst my soul like a pendulum that fulfils those needs swings between perdition and salvation.

It does not augur well because it leaves me bereft of solutions to little problems and clueless about bigger issues such that I need to awaken to new inspiration before I am overwhelmed beyond anything my personality can handle.

As I observed the other community it looked like an impossible situation, these are people who are excluded from the community in which I find comfort, I do not relish the task of bridging the gap, it is beyond human wisdom, if anything will be accomplished it will take the mysterious or the miraculous, it is really not be business to think of how, I will just have to do.

Lighting up my darkness

I know that I am tackling these issues the wrong way and that means I am running on empty, I have learnt over time that there are situations that are just beyond me but grace abounds and someone is ceaselessly praying for me somewhere that I am beginning to rise and gaining back the winning attitude that has seen me through the toughest times when there was literally no one to lean on.

There are things to let go of and things to latch on to, that other thing has to go before I brand myself an existential schizophrenic vying to be either a sinner or a saint and doing both badly to my complete detriment.

Scales fell off the eyes of my mind this morning as I satisfied both extremes and the better of the extremes lead me to some enlightenment, insight and ideas, I expect to share some really good news very soon.

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