The Weight of Anticipation
Anxiety is a weight.
It sits on your chest and bears down regardless of whether you are lying down,
sitting, or standing. Anxiety also signals that the issues of life, though
measurable in the brain, are situated in the chest cavity where your heart and lungs
reside.
For instance, when
you feel confident, you are likely to beat your chest rather than slap your
head. Slapping your head, it turns out, is an act of self-deprecation in
recognition of one's silliness or foolishness. Anticipation can create anxiety,
and nothing quite causes that feeling of foreboding like the hours just before
a long-scheduled medical procedure.
Lessons from a
Previous Encounter
With hindsight, two
years ago, after a multiparametric MRI scan, the consultant sprang a biopsy of
my prostate gland on me without first reviewing the results or explaining the
reasons. Even so, I was quite well prepared for the encounter.
I asked questions,
demanded answers, and only acquiesced to the procedure once I was convinced of
the need. The importance of reading up on your medical situation is paramount.
A Portmanteau of
Procedures
Tomorrow, I am going
for an Oesophagogastroduodenoscopy. I could have sworn that is not a word, but
welcome to the world of medical terms that suggest a portmanteau of activities.
The word reminds me of German, where portmanteau words are joined up with the
letter "S". I would suppose, with medical terms, it is the letter
"O", much like when I had that inguinoscrotal abscess last month.
In summary: I am
having an endoscopy that will reach down through my oesophagus, past the
gastrointestinal junction, to the first and shortest section of my small
intestine. I have not deigned to measure that in miles, but it feels like a
long way down to places never before visited, rather like the first landing on
the moon.
Why This Procedure Is
Necessary
This is pursuant to
an investigation that presaged my visit to A&E after a choking incident
which impacted my ability to swallow anything, including fluids, for hours. I
was eventually discharged about five hours into my hospital attendance, after
managing a sandwich and a drink. Taken alongside a history of choking events
going back decades, and three such incidents since that discharge, this
procedure is necessary.
Herewith, the cause
of my anxiety: without a chaperone, I can only elect for the most basic
palliative, which would be a numbing spray to the back of the throat, rather
than a sedative.
Finding Peace
I believe I shall be
fine. I suppose it is just part of human nature to be slightly concerned at
that kind of invasive activity, and it is not helped by a mind full of others
recounting their own endoscopic odyssey.
Shalom! Peace to my
mind, peace to my soul, peace to my thoughts, peace through it all.
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