I was quite distressed
A few days ago, a
video clip of a boy negotiating with his mother went viral. To many, it was
pure entertainment, I, however, was very distressed by it that I do not intend
to share it to propagate the scenario.
We have no backstory
to the episode, but from what I could glean, the boy had done something wrong,
probably seriously wrong for which there was to be some severe retribution. The
boy crying with terror showing on his face, and in his terror was pleading with his mother to calm down,
take a rest, or have a break before she unleashed her anger on him.
Some commentary
suggested the boy was smart and trying to run rings around his mother. That is
possible, especially when you know the kind of parents you have, you adopt
strategies to escape their ire. The conversation mostly controlled by the boy
was instructive and reflective, his mother is no doubt prone to irrational
anger venting her frustration with severe punishments, else she would not have
been advised to calm down.
Awareness lost to
expediency
Towards the end, he asked
to be given the last chance, the last chance in the world. That scared me like
the boy could consider doing himself harm than face the wrath of his mother. None
of this got through to his mother, she was insistent on beating him because
somehow the boy had probably handled and broken something he was not supposed to
touch. At the same time, he asked if his mother was videoing him.
This boy is aware,
very much aware of himself and his failings, I am not sure his mother who
decided to make a global show of his distress is half as much. In my view, a
boy so mentally alert even at the imminent threat of harsh retribution needs to
be dealt with in another way. The times when corporal punishment was the only
tool parents, guardians or teachers had to command and demand the unflinching
ultimate respect and fear of their wards is fast becoming useless.
Find better
discipline tools
Corporal punishment
is for mules and whatever your religious leanings, I would suggest it be the
last resort having exhausted everything else and there is much to do, much more
to learn to do to adapt to looking for more useful means of instruction than
inflicting pain and nursing bleeding welts on the buttocks. The deprivation of
freedoms or privileges with the prerogative of mercy is novel and yet
effective.
I have watched some
parents brutalise their wards in the quest for discipline and correction,
sadly, the children now approaching middle-age are estranged, they do not have
a wholesome relationship with their parents and that is sad. No, children do
not outlive the cruelty meted out to them by their presumed protectors. Those
who appear to do so are simply being pragmatic and able to compartmentalise
usually for their own peace of mind in spite of and despite what they have
suffered.
The future is a harsh
judge
If you want a useful
voice in the lives of your children, not so much to command or instruct them,
but to have the honour of being approached from guidance when they are at
crucial junctures of their walk of life, you need to review the hand-me-down
rags of bad parenting and break that vicious generational cycle of visiting trauma
instead of counsel.
Watch the child grow
and begin to use reason and conversation, offer autonomy with good guidance on
how to use the responsibility they have been offered, make mercy and forgiveness
with consideration visible in times of disappointment or conflict. Find the expression
of love beyond the provision of shelter, protection, sustenance and education,
by being a bit emotional, because it shows you’re human and approachable. You
can even give a hug and said the occasional “I love you, child.”, from deep in
your heart.
You cannot tell how
much that would mean to a child and how that would redound to their development
in adulthood. These are the kinds of circumstances that make for good parent-child
friendship and takes away the need for the child to scheme with cunning when
they know they can trust you with anything going on in their lives.
Consider new
possibilities
I am a man in my
fifties, I have looked at many things about my relationship with my parents and
other guardians. One uncle stands out as the one who gave me both the time and
nurturing, we have one of the tightest relationships that even my parents would
envy.
I would not be
ambitious as to suggest how anyone should raise their children, but if you are
going to make a public spectacle of them, ensure you are not making a worse
spectacle of yourself in the process. Whilst many might agree with what she was
about to do, I have no praise, commendation or encouragement, my disappointment
cannot be more palpable for those who cannot learn from history, especially
their own personal history are destined to repeat the failings of the past more
worse than the precedent.
We can agree to
disagree, but do not completely dismiss this perspective, I think it matters
along with everything else in the toolbox of child-rearing. Thank you.
Some reference blogs
