Chew your butts

Blink for the litter

Being a pedestrian, cyclist or user of public transport, it is amazing the amount litter one sees on the pavements, the bike paths and at the transport stops.

Usually, it is not the usual crisps or chocolate wrappers or cans of fizzy drink but patches of discarded chewing gum and cigarette butts of various lengths depending on the finished state of the cigarette as the bus or tram approaches.

Even with the no-smoking areas in stations and specially designated areas for smoking we still have those butts on the ground despite the fact that stubbing bins and sand dishes are provided at those locations.

I find that I frown at people who just discard their litter no matter how close they are to a proper discarding container known to many as a rubbish bin, but it appears that many are oblivious of its function.

A menace, a real menace

Cigarette butts and chewing gun are usually surreptitiously cast off either with a flick for the cigarette or some hand-mouth contact then hand-furniture contact as the chewed gum finds a home after the mastication.

By comparison, it probably no worse than picking ones nose and flicking the rotten greenish yellow grime or using ones hand to transfer spittle from mouth to desired destination.

The chewing gum problem is so bad that one dares not touch the undersides of seats or table as there is the possibility that an “Oink woz here” gum marker has been a stuck there.

With DNA testing and so on, by the time we all have biometric passports and databases full of information that the computers would puke at their content, it might be possible to decipher the marker and fine the culprit for vandalising public places or littering the street.

Stuck with it, annoyingly

The humongous machines needed to remove the gum makes one appreciate the intolerance of chewing gum inSingapore. That ban has since been relaxed but it shows just how much this littering can be the bane of a permissive and free society.

If you have had to scrap chewing gum off your shoe soles, you will understand, but worse still having to get it off your clothes because some asocial twerp has stuck it on a seat or rest then you only have recourse; be livid with rage as you surf the Internet for ideas.

I do wonder if properly policed and enforced fines for littering can help change attitudes to stop this eye-sore.

I have nothing against smoking but I am having serious problems with accompanying poor social graces that allows for the disregard of non-smokers and the littering of our streets. It is like being allowed to relieve oneself in any place one might choose rather than the conveniences.

The cleaning up of the butts is easier and is done either by street sweepers or vagrants looking for unfinished cigarettes.

New edibles – science and nature collide

Starting with chewing cum, I would suggest that it be reconstituted that after enjoying the satisfaction of chewing the gum it can be swallowed.

Better still, once the gum is put in the mouth, it should have some genetic affinity material that makes it want to slither down towards the tonsils that it becomes impossible not to swallow it.

Moving on to cigarettes; tobacco companies can have a major money making new lease of life by making those butts, stubs or filters edible.

Once the smoker and drawn in all the nicotine they can through smoking, they get the final nicotine fix by being able to chew what is left of the un-smoked cigarette having flicked off the ashened part with the possibility of flavouring the bit with a flavour applicator that doubles as a lighter.

Something like a vanilla lighter or strawberry lighter if not chilli or curry lighter comes to mind.

Anybody would quit smoking after a few of these.

Gum profiling and butt identity

Just as our liberties, freedoms and secrets are being sold down the line of outrageous anti-terrorism laws masquerading as patriotism, Big-Brother can analyse discarded cigarette butts to and send notices to the homes of the culprits.

The global market-place is rejuvenated for the food and flavours industry, the tobacco companies can move into health flavours, the DNA profiling and instant identification business would be rife.

Imagine wireless computer terminals at every lamp-post with finger-print and retina scanning sign-on and a biometric analysis rod which can assess DNA material from all sorts of litter, mine databases and send off the notices.

You get a gift voucher for your civic duties and the culprit lives in a world that would soon be too real to forget you first read about it here.

References

Commercial cleaning supplies - Chewing Gum Removal - Gum-Out

Cigarette Butt Litter- Two Billion Littered Butts a Day

CigaretteLitter.Org - The Facts About Cigarette Butts and Litter - Cigarette Litter

Brooding conception - incubating a new blog

Writing to help

Many years ago, I took up writing but mainly to help people solve problems with Microsoft Systems Management Server and advise people on studying and preparing for the Microsoft MSCE vendor certification.

I found the experience quite interesting during the year of 1999.

Apart from that, I have been involved in some in-house technical writing, guides and processes such that I find that my thoughts and ideas are all over the place but not accessible from a repository that archives and develops those things for more general consumption.

Recently, I found that I do have a body of knowledge that is getting improved upon through my Masters programme, which involves a lot of writing too, amongst other experiences.

My approach to the discussion questions has involved technical and business perspectives such that I would not laud technical advancements that businesses and CIOs are not getting excited about.

Solutions not fancy toys

We as technical people have to recognise that businesses do not require toys but solutions that streamline business practice, improve efficiency, offer competitive advantage, cost very little and offer great benefits.

That is what my technical affirmation is all about that sometimes my technical colleagues think I have gone native when I do not ham on the feature but the politics that loosen the purse strings.

To that end, I would be launching a new blog that offers content radically different from the fare you get from here.

It would revolve mainly around my professional ideas and views, encouraging debate on support, administration, mentoring, certification and the architect’s dilemma.

Breaking it down

Borrowing from methodologies and frameworks about service, management and administration, I hope to break them down into bite-size commonsense views that would help people do better and realise how technique and process are one and the same for remaining relevant to your organisation and any career path you choose.

Incubating a new blog

Now that I have decided to start up a new blog I am caught on the horns of a dilemma about getting a good name and using a good blog provider to host my material.

Blog-City does a fantastic job, I am a premium subscriber for this blog till 2010, however, I have not convinced of the service being adequate for a more professional outing.

I suppose it is down to how I run it than how it is hosted except for ensuring that features abound and are kept up to date, more bandwidth is definitely required and more file space too.

That search would continue through another week of research.

Meanwhile …

A piece of vintage Akin found on the web begins to indicate where we might be going soon. I wrote this just under 6 years ago and it still finds true today.

However, some of the links which were alive years ago, might now be dead – Alas!

It was strange when a colleague dug up a few of my write-ups in the then Dejanews now Google Groups which some jobs-worthy security guy thought was a porn site until I gave a spirited fight to show how it is more useful for helping us solve problems than for seeking temporary relief. Sometimes!

The write up was in response to comment about self-studying for the MCSE and seeking help towards the effort.

Here goes …

It is high time people realised that career development is a personal thing, not something offered on a plate as a work of kindness.

If you are in permanent employment, you career progressions is subject to the whims and caprices of the organisations you work for, if contracting, you have to take time off from earning money either to study, attend courses or take tests.

I think it is a valid point that your organisation wants to send your staff on practical "In wild training" rather than fill them with exam theory, which has no lien with real life. They should be glad for that option.

As for getting the MCSE, they should for the want of another phrase, 'get off their arses' get the syllabuses off the Microsoft sites, surf the Net and get information from :-

www.microsoft.com/train_cert
www.cramsession.com

You do them a disservice if you are assuming they do not have the aptitude to study, read up, set aside some time to practice, and at £75 a go, pay for the tests to complete the MCSE in a reasonable 6 to 9 months. Even if it is an exam a month. They obviously cannot completely lack initiative to chart their own career progress.

This thing is no rocket science.

I did my CNE over 5 years ago, after working with the products for a while, did not have the luxury for any training or any of the resources we now have on the Net - got books worth a quarter of my monthly salary, and scrounged and scrimped to get it all done in 3 weeks. As for my MCSE, that was bliss.

Why? (Regarding my CNE)

Determination,
The need to progress
The realisation that I am not brain-dead
My employer could not eventually hold me to ransom, I paid my way.

Why? (Regarding my MCSE)

Getting bored with the mundane
Needed a challenge, which was over in 3 weeks :)
Validate my knowledge (personally), not for employment purposes - been working with NT for over 4 years

As for CBTs

Try the CBTs from CBT Systems now Smartforce, they can be customised for your requirements.

www.cbtsys.com

Regards,

Akin Akintayo CNE MCSE

Of food, class, greasy kebabs and Eton

Eating burgers on POSH advice

Sometimes when watching the BBC, some trailers of future programmes leave you wondering if you should be expectant or dismissive of the highlights.

One of such was Eating With… a series featuring Tom Parker-Bowles, the son of the Duchess of Cornwall, the wife of Prince Charles.

The additional introduction is not so much for emphasis than for setting the context and detail.

First we were taken on a documentary of life with the upper classes, going to Eton and the wanton abuse of mind and body through food and other vices as enjoyed by the wealthy and well appointed.

Then we did get down to food, with its Genesis including learning from mum and from Mrs Noose the cookery teacher who attracted the pre-pubescent boys for the love of cooking as well as the fact that they fancied her.

Apparently, there are a good few Etonians who have taken to food writing and other matters concerning food.

Prince William preparing food as part of a cookery course at Eton in June 2000.

It is nice to know that there are things we learn in a particular way from our parents, teachers or mentors that stay with us through life. Sometimes, we never improve on those techniques, just master the routine till it becomes second nature.

Table manners and all that discipline

Then cut away to a lesson; teaching daddy how to make shepherd’s pie, and I start to salivate as one realises being out in the Netherlands is a long way from home.

Indeed, we are informed of the airs and graces on Brigadier Andrew Parker-Bowles’ table, no eating with your mouth open, no talking with your mouth full, no elbows on the table, sit up right, no eating with hands – well, it could as well be bringing your work home – turning the kids into a mini-platoon of disciple. Good, I think.

So, the brigadier surmises that he does not know how to cook, neither does his friends, however, it would be fun to do something like grilling a steak on the agar. Sometimes!

Whose organic mess?

Then we having other tips about sealing dates with good cooking, how he met his wife and inviting friends for dinner where Tom is boss in the kitchen.

None of those dos and don’ts, in Tom’s parlour shared with his fashion writer wife in leafy green Notting Hill.

Then obviously we get down to the rip-off called organic foods offered by big supermarkets for double the price but maintain the same taste.

One should ask if organic foods mean food grown at great expense in natural organic farms around the country or food grown in Africa regardless of if it has been fertilised or genetically modified.

Besides that, one should be quite concerned about the quality and provenance of the food we eat as farmers, supermarkets and scientists taint our foods with funny ideas based on the survey of people who think apples are harvested from anything but trees.

Where is our food?

Yellowed egg yolks, treated beef to keep it red well after reasonable use, purple carrots - you must be kidding.

After the show, I am not too sure I learnt much about cooking, but that cooking can be an enjoyable and rewarding pastime.

The sacrifice to country

As one also saw the retired Brigadier chat to his son, one can only commend the fact that there is no greater love for fatherland than for a man to give life and wife for king and country.

References

The Observer | Food monthly | You can take the man out of the country...

Eton Mess from Delia Online

Time to learn to feel our pain

Early out and doing well

As I have said before, I have always wondered if enough research is being done about how early-term and premature babies grow up and thrive as adults.

I know a few years ago, the BBC showcased a number of babies who were born in 1995 at less than 25 weeks to see how they got on in their tenth year.

The results were almost depressing when it transpired that only one of that group had fully matured to expected development as would be observed in full-term births.

In my case, being born at 26 weeks 40 years ago in the West Midlands, I sometimes consider it a miracle that I not only survived but thrived. In 40 years of study and analysis it is considered that below 24 weeks it is difficult to offer any hope of thriving to births still within the second trimester.

Learning recently that an astigmatic condition could have been corrected in childhood is one of those things, but there is more to life than a lazy eye.

However, this topic reared its head when I commented on the topic of abortion on Naijablog and the writer opined about the feelings of foetuses and their ability to feel pain.

A commenting contributor suggested based on some study highlighted on the BBC web site that foetuses do not feel pain till at least the 29th week of gestation.

Naturally, I rubbished that report, bunkum!, I said; not because I could remember the circumstances and my feelings at birth, but because the medical personnel then took the duty of care to handle me with such fragility as I was transferred from Manor Maternity Home in Walsall to Marston Green Hospital in Birmingham for 2 months of incubation.

Feel my pain

If I had no feelings of pain or emotion at the time of birth, I could as well have been considered dead. Well, that was hardly two days ago.

Then this morning, I heard on the news that scientists now think foetuses can feel pain from about 24 weeks if not earlier. If only they could ask those emerging bundles of joy how they felt.

It might change the whole debate on abortion and the destruction of life in the womb, but that is not crux of my blog today.

Rather, it is about applying better study and research techniques to understanding how we are formed in the womb and why it is that some do come rather early and others very late.

Once again, the unnecessary dilemma might also be the question of passage of time. Does a pre-term baby have a shorter biorhythm cycle that a full term or fuller term baby?

I am still looking for reasons why an occupational therapist suggested I was suffering the classic symptoms of a mid-life crisis at 33. I am way past that now and enjoying the new things I am doing.

I do not know if this area of study is the bailiwick of obstetrics, paediatrics or some other branch of medicine or mechanics, for all I care, the claustrophobia of the womb is hard enough, find out about our pain better before you try those nasty tools on us.

I speak for all of us who came in early for one reason or the other.

First female ... having my first period

The polyglots of the Netherlands

In general, my Dutch colleagues who speak English have a generally good command of the language.

Where they are not grammar perfect they are definitely comprehensible, at times, I help out by asking for the equivalent Dutch word and my basic knowledge of Dutch by the ascertaining the context of their intentions, we get through.

In that sense, I usually concur that they speak better English than my Dutch, in that we can communicate.

However, being away from England, the confusion of language is even more noticeable.

More often than not, many of my friends want to bring me to a place when really they want to take me there and bring me back.

Brengen which means to bring or to take contextually introduces you to a variant of English spoken by the Dutch generally known as Denglish.

Nemen which is to take unfortunately cannot be used in context for taking someone somewhere, so that is understandable.

Then, when you get on the train the announcer welcomes you in the train as opposed to welcoming you aboard the train. You are also welcomed in a town rather than welcomed to a town.

Well, I really should not be pedantic, many native speakers of English cannot string a decent sentence together even in cases where it is the only language they speak.

I always get my sin

So, this morning there was all this giggling and guffaws around the office and people peered into a booklet and read out classic Denglish statements.

Apparently, an erstwhile executive of Heineken who has travelled the world had taken the time to record English statements of his Dutch countrymen who have offered literal translations of Dutch statements to English and left many a red face or jaw dropped – people aghast with embarrassment beyond incredulity, you can only laugh hours afterwards.

What is so interesting about the book is it is flying off the shelves the Seventeenth printing edition between November 2005 and February 2006.

I had not finished completing my sentence asking for the book in the station’s bookshop when the tiller told to colleague to get it, it was found without too much fuss.

I always get my sin* – the title of the book infers a conversation where the speaker was apologising for not being a good English speaker but is always able to convey his feelings.

The Dutch word zin means sense or meaning and in context implies being able to make oneself understood.

Unfortunately, book is not available on English-speaking sites; it appears it has not yet been registered in a global ISBN database.

My first period

When speaking Dutch she would have said …

“Ik ben de eerste vrouwelijke staatssecretaris van Binnenlandse Zaken and in ben in m’n eerste ambtstermijn.”*

When she introduced herself in Denglish she said …

“I am the first woman state secretary for the inside and I am having my first period.”*

What she meant to say …

“I am the first female minister for Home Affairs and this is my first term.”

You can find out who that was.

The book is full of this kind of stuff; if only someone had captured the moment as the faces of the listeners betrayed a sense of uneasiness where the brain could be determine if it was a joke, a faux pas or something more bizarre.

The by-line on the book title suggests it is “bizarre English by the Dutch”, it is both a good read and laugh and if you only had to read the Denglish without understanding the Dutch, you might as well capture that moment as the listeners when those words were spoken – only this time, you can laugh.

I always get my sin – Maarten H. Rijkens ISBN 9045302802

Just in case you do meet a Dutch man who is exchanging a friendly greeting with you, the conversation might start off like this in Denglish.

“How do you do and how do you do your wife?”* It is nothing about what your dirty mind might be thinking, but then you can take it in the broadest sense.

*Quotes from the book, acknowledged in entirety as part of my review.

Stupid is as stupid does

My Bikeydes Benz

When my uncle visited Amsterdam a few years ago with his wife, as I picked them up from the airport, I also told them that I needed to collect my bicycle from the Central Station on our way back to my apartment.

Not being one who could read minds, it appeared they were both in a way crest-fallen about not being picked up by a car or some other exotic vehicle.

However, once they got top the Central Station and saw the population of bicycles including the 3-storey bicycle storage area, it dawned on them that bicycles are in fact the best mode of transport in Amsterdam centre.

Not to talk of the many variations of the use of the bicycle in carrying goods, carting kids, and the reckless abuse of traffic etiquette amongst other things.

So when my uncle was leaving he surmised that he dreaded having to tell people back in Nigeria that I did not have a big car but 3 bicycles. What do I need 3 bicycles for? I’m a 6-wheeler juggler – Only kidding!

Lanes for lames without brains

In my first year in Amsterdam, I had 5 accidents, all involving the tourists except one where I was blind-sided as a lady collided with me.

One thing about the Netherlands is that literally all town centres have dedicated cycle lanes and pedestrian walks too.

Usually, the bike lane is paved with red bricks and the pedestrian pavements are grayish and elevated. There are exceptions to this convention, but there are clear demarcations.

In many instances there are proper markings with the drawings of a bicycle indication the direction of travel and then traffic lights to serve bicycles which could be timed different from pedestrian crossings, since pedestrians need more time to cross than bicycles.

This however is of no import to many, you see oncoming traffic on your lane, and the traffic lights seem to be always green or let us assume everyone but me is colour-blind not seeing the difference between Red for Stop and Green for Go.

Stop look, listen then move

I always stop at the traffic lights; having astigmatism in the right eye, it is very difficult for me to judge distance and speed of approach, so I rarely cross roads without being certain that I have been given right of way.

This is frustrated completely by people who seem to have lost the brakes on their bicycles and tourists, yes tourists, who seeing the wide cycle lanes think it is a free pedestrian walkway even with the clearly drawn bicycles.

So, imagine the cacophony of ding-a-ling bicycle bells and an apparently hearing but pretending to be deaf tourist who gets run over by a speeding cyclist, well I have no pity for the tourist.

They should have read their travel guides and kept their eyes wide open – but then if stupid is as stupid does – then stupid is as stupid would get harmed.

Meanwhile, I have to take therapy for cycle-path rage and aggression suppression course just because some tourist who arrived on a cattle-truck with wings on bargain fares has not noticed what other tourists are doing – keeping off the cycle lanes.

The death of quality

Talking of those tourists; I could remember just about 8 years ago, the 45 minute flight from London to Amsterdam included a complete silver service. Nowadays, you have a sandwich flung at you it makes the job of air steward look like the lowest rung of courtesy and hospitality.

This is all because a new business model with cuts out the frills allows for air travel to be one of the cheapest means of transport that the taxes for air travel sometimes exceed the cost of the travel itself.

In this no-frills world, I have had my baggage utterly mishandled but baggage handlers because it not appears that fragile could easily mean – handle like a flight recorder – whilst, I do not want to pay over the odds for air travel, I think it is necessary to assess the quality of the service in general that allows you to seek appropriate redress.

If you fly cheap it is possible that when you need solutions you would be told that kind of service cannot be offered for the paltry sums of money you paid in the first instance.

In that sense, seeking quality at the right price is as good insurance as you will get anywhere, you are protected by the sense of ethical responsibility – hopefully.

Louts about

So, walk up a street from Thursday evening and it is probable that a number of my countrymen from England are completely drugged up and drunk to excess causing more than a stir.

They create a scene of shouting and singing tuneless and toneless football songs as they ogle at the windows shopping spectacle of prostitutes in the Red Light district.

Then again, another influx of tourists happens on Queen’s Day in commemoration of the Queen’s Birthday, though our Queen was born in January, you cannot get revellers out in deep winter.

She has adopted and retained the birthday of her mother which is April the thirtieth, just at the start of spring.

Then imagine the tourists who come for a pub crawl and the peasant folk who travel in to see the bright lights of Amsterdam.

Everyone seems to have a market stall selling all sorts of goods and wares, some of which could include bicycles which were stolen over the 2 weeks before the celebration because they were not attached to immovable frames with locks that should cost more than the total value of the bicycle.

Anyways, in the month of April, much care should be taken about how your bicycle is stored because; I once lost my bicycle to the Queen’s day pilferers who then sold on my bike to some lout for a bargain price – a steal.

All before noon and not after

Bolton Bolts

The least celebrated and most controversial appointment in George W. Bush’s tenure has handed in his resignation having not been able to persuade the UN Security Council of the need impose sanctions on Iran.

As it transpired, Iran already has its nuclear weapons and in what might seems like a sick joke; Iran not having a Bikini Atoll or some remote Nevada desert has been conducting nuclear tests underground resulting in the increased seismic activity of earth movement and collateral damage.

It begins to make sense why Americans have been allowed to participate in relief efforts that might reveal a lot more than the suffering of the people.

Osama lives in Omaha

Another development sees Osama bin Laden who has acquired both a new identity and is under Interpol witness protection about to blow his cover.

This is because whilst we have been informed that he is a frail man needing dialysis in the mountains of Tora Bora, he is in fact hale and hearty in America enjoying the pleasures of the good life of a multi-millionaire, well especially if you have shares in Beckshire Hathaway.

This is because he was instrumental in creating a presidency of seriously big government from a conservative party which has through the events of September the eleventh been able to pre-occupy us with a war on terror and abrogate every liberty, freedom and right we fought for over the Twentieth Century subsuming it to the need for national security and enforcing it through patriotism.

The new powwow

It would have been impossible to imagine that a president of George W. Bush’s calibre in 2000 would have been able to pull off a feat of untrammelled executive power without the concerted liaison with Osama bin Laden.

It is no wonder now, that more people than lost their lives or got injured in the twin towers have been recorded in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Blowing his cover now would completely upset the balance of power, history and the New World Order. However, who would not acquiesce to this temptation just as Iraq seeks a new leader in Osama bin Laden, whilst the Washington Post and Fox TV have linked up with two Deep Throats with evidence to make the markets go up in a frenzy of agitated abandon.

Euro Bureau rejects cheap dollar

This is not helped by the fact that the great budget deficit is beginning to impact on the balance of trade such that Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Iran and Venezuela has decided to trade their oil in Euros, abandoning the dollar in such a way that China now has to devalue the Yuan to maintain global competitiveness.

The Congress is apoplectic with rage but powerless to act as a few senior senators and representatives were caught on camera protecting the Southern border from invading Mexicans by shooting them in the river as they crossed.

After noon, it is all over

Well, if we really did have a new world order, it would be over by noon.

However, beyond noon, in another life, I would have been a godfather and my goddaughter would be four today.

Happy Birthday dear and to others – It is only April Fool’s day.