Your turn is not next

Courtesy of the William Kentridge exhibition at Zeitz MOCAA, Cape Town.

Shrinking Violet

In a way, I have cast myself a glutton for punishment by scheduling two theory intensive courses back-to-back in a fortnight.

The attendees to the first and second course are drawn from different industries, all of them can be interesting if I am able to engage them. Whilst I do not intend to be aloof, I am not predisposed to networking as some people would think I am.

I can quite easily strike up a conversation and rapport with strangers, yet, it is a somewhat different dynamic from being in a course or some other social setting. The intricacies of this situation, I am yet to fully understand.

Introvert at large

For instance, I find it emotionally draining to mingle at parties. You will usually find me in a corner somewhere and if I am engaged in conversation, it would be initiated by someone who has come to have that chat to me. At one birthday in my honour, I had gone to bed long before the guests had left.

At these courses, everyone seems to be engaged in conversation, whilst I appear withdrawn. Like someone has said to me, “Your turn is not next.” I doubt I am ever the next in turn to say anything at that point in time. It is not for the want of something to say, I do not think I am naturally tongue-tied. However, in a less crowded place, I am probably more amiable.

Maybe it is just as case of not liking crowded places, I know there are people who would never consider me shy. That is a misconception, I am naturally shy and withdrawn with the tendency to appear quite extroverted when I find someone with whom we can discuss things of interest.

Each to their own

Then, I might become a chatterbox of raconteuring excess. I hope I don’t bore my audience. I won’t call myself a public speaker either, though I have had to give speeches at some gatherings. It is not something that causes great excitement, it exacerbates much anxiety.

Then, there probably isn’t anything wrong with this sort of temperament, we can’t all be outgoing, affable, engaging and the life and soul of the party. We are cut out for different things; it does not make us voiceless when it matters. Even for the seemingly socially awkward.