Monday, 29 April 2013

Thought Picnic: How Much Time Do I Have?


Preparations undone
Almost four years ago, the answer I got was five weeks if it came to the worst that is if the drugs don’t work, else I would have the chance of a good recovery – I did.
However, the question still lingers in the mind and every new result that shows slow but steady progress belies a sense of vulnerability I do well to try and ignore.
Many times, I wonder if I have set things right, I have an idea of where I want to rest but I have not laid out the plans to any detail as to if I will get that wish fulfilled.
Uncertainty needing clarity
It is morbid with all the foreboding that comes with it, but they are thoughts one should entertain just to be sure that what needs to be done gets done and the many other things might well be left unfulfilled - plan, purpose and prioritise seems to be the guiding focus.
In a call this morning, it appears more tests are required, nothing conclusive but enough for me to review, reassess, understand and appreciate that every breath I take, I die a little and at the same time like I have said many times before, if you have life, live it and live it well – until that time when you are no more living, live.
In a few weeks it would be clearer what the situation is, whether there is much to fear to which I mostly respond with a determination not to be overwhelmed and what the prognosis might be in terms of options, choices, decisions and acceptances.
Denial is not a safe haven
Acceptances indeed, I find myself just about to scale the five stages of the K├╝bler-Ross model again, I have been in denial many times before, never been overcome with the rage of anger, I have bargained but the professionals could not diagnose depression even when all events presented a perfect storm for it, however at the point of acceptance, I was ready to move on with my life – whatever time is left of it.
Knowledge matters and hopefully they will know enough to inform me when I ask the strange and difficult questions – I’ve been there before though I do not know if I have learnt enough to have the strength to face this as I did before – time will tell.
Let’s live
If anything, I keep doing what I know to do, taking each day as it comes, dreaming the dreams of the wonder of man, hoping beyond hope that the uncomfortable will pass and sharing as much as I can dare – maybe it might help others.
There have been pains, I have learnt to live with them, sometimes I ignore their inconvenience for the prospect of getting on – when the truth is manifest, we shall know as we are and wherefore one might dare to peer into an uncertain future – How much time do I have? If we knew, ill or well, we would have lost the very essence of our humanity.
We must live like there is no tomorrow to fulfil what we must today and live like there are tomorrows of endless time that we do not rush to conclusions that require time to understand better.

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