Thought Picnic: On the price of a marriage contracted to make you straight

Preamble: The timeframe of the origin of this blog was, in fact, the 8^th of February, the day after he came out, but an abrupt conversation with a friend put this in the cooler until today. Then, in a blog I wrote earlier, I referred to work I was doing on this blog. It would appear, I have been able to conclude the piece and publish it with as close as possible to the fervour that inspired it over a month ago.

Blog - Thought Picnic: My life really does include my partner

Doors falling off the rattled closet

When news broke last month of Philip Schofield’s revelation that he was gay in the midst of a 27-year marriage, I was ready to applaud him for coming out, but I could not completely commit myself to any celebration of the news without consideration of the others besides him involved.

Much was made of the love and support of his wife and two adult daughters to this coming out moment and as is always the case, people contributed messages of support for his courage, his bravery, and his decision to be true to himself.

Yet, I am still here thinking not so much of Philip, but of Stephanie Lowe, his wife of 27 years and everyone else who for all their open-mindedness to the sexuality of others might well be considerably affected by it much closer to home.

Always think of the partners

Now, I cannot speak to the quality of the relationship between Philip, Stephanie, and their daughters, but as the developing news begins to generate other perspectives, one of the headlines does say she was ‘absolutely devastated’ to learn her husband is gay. That she has had the time and space to process the information will not make it any easier for her.

There was a scene in the film, Body of Evidence which starred Madonna where in court she was asked about what she did when she discovered her husband was in a homosexual relationship. She said, “I couldn’t compete.”

It is a fundamental psychological break when your spouse directs their sexual affections to a same-sex liaison. What you can put up to fight for the affectations of your spouse in situations where the object of their affections is the same sex as you is lost in the battle with the opposite sex.

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Knowing is usually a process

However, by the way, I appreciate that sexuality conflict and the point at which one is ready to accept wholeheartedly that they are one way or the other is a complex process of development. It is quite possible that people do not realise who they are until when they are completely committed to a heteronormative path and in it find dissatisfaction and discontent in the relationship they forged in the hope that it would make them whole.

I believe there is a discussion to be had when such issues arise. In my own case, whilst my very first sexual experience was at 7 with a female much older than I, I cannot say that I had a primary sexual attraction to the female. It never developed beyond the appreciation of beauty, intellect, and personality.

From about the age of 7, I do know that something about men made them more attractive to me than I could understand. That attraction was taken advantage of by some people employed to care for us as kids. The little threat here or there to force compliance made me a willing catamite to a few trusted people all into my teens.

Accepting yourself is deep self-discovery

After the age of accountability, I agonised about who and what I was, consumed with guilt especially the religious kind, I sought ways to rid myself of this thing when at the same time, I could not forgo my predilection for same-sex liaisons. With time, I found there were others like me, and we were not evil even if maligned.

At the time I was about to leave Nigeria, I was being blackmailed, I refused to pay up and challenged my blackmailer that when he tells whoever he decides to tell, he should be ready to explain how we both got together without any coercion for the many months of whatever we did. I guess, that put paid to that.

As I arrived in The UK, I was ready to come to terms which who I was, I sought out and found people boldly expressing themselves without fear. In the midst of such confident people, I gained the confidence to accept my own sexuality and to a direct question about it, I gave a clear answer, for I was of the view that if you asked, you just wanted a confirmation rather than a denial.

Peeling the onion of coming out

To my parents, siblings, and relations, I was a bit more circumspect and discreet, it took much longer to broach the subject. In the case of my parents, they were in the UK in The 1960s when the worst thing you could call anyone was a ‘bugger’.

It came with all sorts of connotations of homosexuality, paedophilia, bestiality, and murder, I felt I should save them from such an association, though it did not stop me from having same-sex relationships completely away from the scrutiny of those I didn’t want to know. I had compartmentalised my life.

Blog - Thought Picnic: The onion of truths

With time, the pressure, and the expectation to get married became a constant refrain in conversations with home, I batted away the direct questions and prevaricated on other requirements.

I was offered arranged marriages by many who thought I was the most eligible bachelor around. This all to satisfy the needs of culture and become as it were ‘responsible’, I could easily have contracted a marriage of convenience, even gone along to have children. There were many offers that just required I ask, but I did not step up to any of those opportunities.

In a series of tweets yesterday, whilst using the news as a reference point, I put a perspective to things which are probably not the broadest in terms of issues of sexuality and marriage, I hope it contributes to the discussion.

I decided long ago

It was a clear decision I made in my own life that despite the expectations and pressure, I could not with the complicated issue of my sexuality enter into a lavender marriage, and there were many unbeknownst to them ready to walk up the aisle with me, if I dared ask. /1

— Akin Akíntáyọ̀ 🏳️‍🌈 #FBPE (@forakin) February 7, 2020

My life and the issue of sexuality was complicated enough I swore to myself not to embroil anyone else in that situation, it was hard enough to be in the closet, live a false life with the risk of being exposed leading to scandalising a broader relationship tree beyond the close family ties.

If I alone had to deal with the issue, it was contained without compelling anyone else to play to a script they never signed up for in the beginning. In another way, I was not successfully praying away the gay, rather, I was getting more affirmation of who I was towards the maturation of accepting who I am.

Other extenuating factors came to bear, the issue of offspring or heirs, the concept diminished with time as I began to make peace with myself with the likelihood, it might never happen. I did not consign myself to default to the findings that many prematurely born didn’t go on to sire children.

However, I felt after a certain age, it did not matter any more and then post-chemotherapy the natural ability to procreate was lost and I was not going to expend any energy in the quest to regain what rarely was a goal in life.

Be yourself, not another person

Then I concluded that contracting marriage was not a panacea, an antidote, or proven conversion therapy for personal or imposed sexuality conflict. Some people might have found adaptations with this distraction, sexuality variance was not a change of clothes, it is more ingrained than that.

It has now transpired that Philip Schofield’s hand was forced, besides the view that his sexuality was already known in closed circles and certain liaisons were about to be made public that he might lose control of the narrative of his private life, some unscrupulous tabloid editor that gotten hold of the story and was ready to go the press. In view of that, he had no other alternative, but to come clean. [Byline Investigates]

I feel vindicated that I was not immediately celebrating the event and still feel that whilst he might now freely live his truth alone with the support of his wife and daughters, he suspected his sexuality before he contracted the marriage, he could not shake off the urges of his primal sexuality and regardless of the public front presented, lives have been more radically affected than the façade we see. [The Guardian]

Thought Picnic: Now if you were in my shoes

Woman to woman

Throughout today that song has been going on in my mind, it contains the Barbara Mandrell lyrics, Woman to woman, now if you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you have done the same thing too.

Like a broken vinyl record player this is replayed again and again, as the other part of the refrain, it says, Woman to woman, if you’ve ever been in love, then you know how I feel – with a greater sense of feeling about many who have never been in my shoes but seem to know exactly where the shoes are pinching my feet.

Their sympathy is patronising, their apathy is based on ignorance and their indifference is borne from the fact that they know no different from their own particular experiences and their assumptions about things they have never partaken of. It extends beyond woman to woman to include man to man and woman to man.

I know my own things

Before I had cancer, I could never fully relate to how people suffered the disease, after I had it and the treatment that followed, I need no new appreciation of the pain of cancer, the rottenness of chemotherapy, the deprivations that come with serious illness and the fight that rises up in you for every ounce of strength that is your life-force, I just know.

However, my knowledge and experience is hardly the embodiment of all occurrences of that kind of circumstance, people go through their battles with different approaches, strategies and outcomes but we can in many ways support each other a lot better than those who look in from the outside with the know-it-all hubris that accompanies their interaction.

Experience is not always needed for understanding, there are genuine people who have deep compassion and empathy, who are reasonable, friendly and wonderful to relate to, this is not about them.

From ancient to modern

In the same vein, there is sexuality and there is faith, there are struggles, conflicts, angst, anxiety and there are desires, if choices could have been made surely, other choices would have been considered and the outcomes might well be different.

I find that I now have to assess the issues of ancient views with modern understanding whilst I run the gauntlet of fundamentalists of different religious persuasions.

Even I, probably irrationally and unreasonably, am not fully persuaded of the whole theory of evolution, from the perspective of man’s creation, I do very well believe the amazing evolution of man’s creativity and the wealth of knowledge that has benefitted mankind to great ends.

The advances in science, medicine and technology which in biblical times would have passed for witchcraft and sorcery, the new understanding of man’s psychological makeup which had every negative connotation until psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists, anthropologists and economists unravelled the knotty issues.

Incontrovertible fact against fable

It is however convenient for people to suspend their intellect and reason for some norm of times past and use that as a template for modernity with ill-fitting consequences.

It makes one wonder how sexuality is no more codified in terms of mental illness or some psychological disorder, neither is it in professional circles considered a lifestyle choice but a personification of the subject, wholly integral to the identity of the person who might in turn demonstrate the requisite tendencies.

Has new knowledge and learning left the tomes of religious stricture behind or has it evolved into logical conclusions that are reasonable but are challenged by blinkered religiosity masquerading as right, just, moral and true?

The questions are there to challenge the “earth is flat” view of man’s existence, identity, personality and expression, so much has changed about the knowledge of man such that religion and interpretations have adapted, evolved or adjusted to serve the purpose of man because religion exists for the service of humanity and not the other way round.

Rectal fixation

The more contentious topic of sexuality is how many are fixated on the sex and not on the identity. If expressions of love are only seen in terms of the act of sex and the satisfaction it offers, the holders of that view diminish the wide spectrum of human emotions leaving them bereft and wanting in the knowledge of the essence of deep emotional involvement that comes with committed relationships regardless of gender pairing.

It is so amusing how religious heterosexuals are so anally-fixated on matters in which they have no experience and cannot begin to fathom how it affects people who have no qualms on the matter.

The reductionist view that sex is only just for procreation is interesting and it beggars the question whether heterosexuals in relationships with a finite number of children have only had sex a finite number of times just for that particular and primary purpose only, procreation – the truth?

Maybe it would interest the squeamish that anal sex between heterosexuals has existed for time immemorial partly as a contraceptive and partly as a variation to the sex-life, who would however admit to that is a different issue.

Does it affect you that much?

If there is any group of people who probably know about the experiences, it would be bisexuals, heterosexuals probably have no inkling about homosexuals just as homosexuals might not be persuaded of heterosexual affinities and so the matter of conscience comes to the fore in one simple question.

Does homosexuality affect the relationship between heterosexual partners? If it does, they have issues they need to deal with and sort out; if it doesn’t then why all that angst and emotional energy expended in condemning what you are not interested in? What you don’t do is what you cannot contemplate except if there is a latent desire for something you have not yet been brave enough to acquire.

If you’ve ever been in my shoes, then you will feel the same way too, until then, you know nothing, absolutely nothing about it.

Nigeria: Why are we leading the Sickle Cell Disease tables?

A worrisome statistic

I am saddened to read that Nigeria ranks highest in the incidence of sickle cell disease [1] according to its Health Minister.

This is unfortunate because whilst procreation in a general sense predicates from social compatibility in terms of love and the emotional baggage it carries, there is a medical imperative for prospective Sub-Saharan African and African descent couples to ascertain their suitability for bearing children who are not prone to the disease.

It has been a standard part of our biology lessons that carriers of the sickle cell disease [2] gene have the possibility of bearing a child in four with the full-blown disease.

Between faith and daring-do

It is irresponsible for such parents to play Russian Roulette with a life on the uncertainty of what the child might turn out to be and it is faith completely misplaced regardless of religious conviction to hope that a child might not have the disease when it is clear that both parents are carriers.

The true test of faith and belief must be that either parent who had been a carrier had received the miracle of healing with the medical certification of that cure before engaging in the act of procreation.

It cannot be justified that because the parents have never suffered the ravages of sickle-cell anaemia their love, their faith and their hopes can be sufficient to assuage the almost certain very low quality of life of pain, of sickness, of disease and revolving hospital doors that the child will be subjected to.

There might however be aspects of ignorant, illiterate, rural and undeveloped communities that might not be too conversant with the genesis of sickle cell disease, but even they should be a minority in the year 2010.

A commanding responsibility

The excuse the children are God’s gift does not wash in this matter, a responsibility is demanded of us to ensure that we do not bring children into avoidable suffering especially that which comes with the knowledge that both parents are carriers of the sickle-cell anaemia gene.

As a child, I watched the 3 boys from the same family suffer from the disease, the eldest of them died at the age of 12. My mother recommended the use of the prickly ash bark [3] (orin ata) chewing stick which was supposed to have some palliative effects on sufferers but we were all affected by this condition because of the close friends impacted.

That was over 35 years ago, in 2010, there is just no reason why we should have such a high rate of sufferers born which goes on to reflect in high child mortality rates.

Misguided superstitions

The sway of the superstitious and the unintelligent application of the spiritual leaves many thinking child mortality is related to re-birthing cycles of abiku [4], ogbanje [5], witchcraft and other mythical or supernatural phenomenon when all that is required is a simple blood test and an intelligent decision not to copulate to procreate rather than wishing, hoping and praying in vain for what we have been given the intellect to decide for ourselves.

We really can save ourselves all the hassle and not bear children with the throw of the die of chance, if some medical procedure is developed to ensure the child does not take on the genetic trait, that would be fine but for the yet unborn, if you love her but you are both carriers, get the snip and get the cap – if you really want children, then, you true love might just be a wish while you seek another who would not leave you in danger of giving your child an avoidable life-long legacy with the possibility of the child pre-deceasing you.

Now, for those already born, one can only hope for greater medical discoveries that ameliorate the situation or even offer the possibility of a cure. God be with you, it was not a lot you chose but I do hope that your lives are as significant in the love, the hope, the faith and the achievements you can bring to bear in your families and communities in the midst of your sufferings.

Sources

[1] allAfrica.com: Nigeria: Country Ranks Highest in Sickle Cell Disease -Minister

[2] Sickle-cell disease - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[3] PRICKLY ASH BARK (Zanthoxylum species) - Important Herbs from Around the World - Tillotson Institute of Natural Health

[4] Abiku - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[5] Ogbanje - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Brother, I am calling you out on this one

My writings and thoughts

I have a number of blogs that I read regularly for views, opinions and angles on all sorts of matters.

In general, I write about all matters I find concerning but I am most passionate about justice, fairness and rights. Usually, this would be pertaining to the under-privileged, the unfairly treated, the minority or just a case of plain commonsense being lost to some absurd situation.

In these areas, the abuse of children and women attract my most activist stance, then the intolerance of minorities which would be on races, sexuality, ability and any other seemingly wronged perspective.

Surely not you

Before I went to bed last night I read a piece on one of the blogs I frequent when updated and I was left askance in bewilderment at first then that turned to anger but I decided not to respond in the heat of that moment.

Some 20 hours on, I find myself no less indignant of the myopic, intolerant and ignorant views offered by this seeming intelligent person who I generally respect for his strong views but in this case, I would be remiss if I do not call him out for the reprehensible views cloaked under the concern for clerical child sex abuse.

Indeed, for an institution that has been around for 1700 years or more, the Catholic Church appears to be making a botched job of the matter of child sexual abuse, where they should have been more empathetic to victims and very intolerant of perpetrators their concern for the integrity of the great institution above all else leaves the Vatican on the verge of the serious embarrassment of losing moral authority.

Paedophilia is not homosexuality

That said, one has to appreciate the frailty of humanity where vows of celibacy are taken but the urges for sexual expression along with the pressures of calling lead certain of the clergy to abuse the vulnerable and trusting in the off chance they would not be found out – the resulting paedophilia is abhorrent at best.

The sexual abuse however was not just limited to boys, girls were also abused just as one can say about oneself that the abuse started with a female and then it moved on to males.

Child sexual abuse is definitely paedophilia but a paedophile does not necessarily have to be homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual – maybe there is a preponderance of homosexual behaviour in these abuses but to conflate paedophilia with homosexuality and present them as the same is stark ignorance.

Sex is an expression beyond procreation

Whilst again the act of sex between heterosexuals is in the majority, its primary purpose cannot just be for procreation even though it does result in children. To contend that sex has no other function between people apart from procreation is absurd and probably suggests people with kids have only had sex a finite number of times not too greater than the children they have produced or something to that effect.

Reading that even reads as very silly, but it was one of the expressed opinions, furthermore, there is the tendency to allow religious fundamentalism to blind one to the existence of minorities amongst us.

Surviving as a minority

Homosexuals are probably in a minority in many societies, but that does not mean they should not have a right to the pursuit of happiness in whatever way they might see fit within the law, privately, consensually and maybe liberally too.

The idea my blogger friend put forward was the equivalent of expecting everyone to be heterosexual or nothing – extrapolating that oblique line of thought, it would be like expecting the minority of the black race in Scandinavia to conform to the type and forms of that region which by inference would be that they should be white, probably blonde and maybe blue-eyed.

Crass is what comes to mind, a jumble of ill-thought through opinions of bigoted slant expounded under the cloak of indignation about clerical child sex abuse does not help justify the atrocious views expressed.

Shame on you

To say I am disappointed in the writings of this blogger does not begin to show my disdain especially in a world where minorities of different kinds need emancipated voices to speak out on their troubles and afflictions, seeking fairness, justice and the protection of rights.

It is saddening that having lived for so long in the West; the West has not found any expression of civility, tolerance, the appreciation of diversity or the protection of the rights of the minority in his opinions.

Worse still is to express those views it so brashly, ignobly and ignorantly – I am sorry to say – My brother, I am calling you out on this one – shame on you.

A message to my children yet unborn

They want for what I don’t

For some people it is probably very bad news, in my case, it might just keep me out of trouble.

Each time I talk to my loved ones there is this expectancy for procreation, the need to carry the family name forward which fortunately is being sired with excellence by my brother without any quibbles from me.

Somehow, there are people who think my happiness would be so fulfilled when I become a father or in other cases I have to daintily sidestep the clamour for “regular” relationships which some people just think would work out because they are supposed to.

A life without a wife

My recent illness has made it all the more a bugbear, how wonderful it would have been to have a wife said he for times when one cannot help oneself – well, how wonderful indeed but that just does not happen to be my life.

To have a prospect of marriage to any selected person depicted as a necessary evil just makes one revolt against the evil and attack the need to have any evil necessary in ones life.

Suddenly, one has some information to put paid to this matter, maybe my specialist really should have discussed this with me before recommending the treatment I received but at the time the most important thing for me was getting well not getting hitched.

At 44, surely if that was something I was so interested in, I would definitely have done it just as I do not see my not being able to drive the most enfeebling handicap to have befallen my most fortunate soul.

Chemotherapy stops multiplication

So, having decided not to conform to the norm by living a life too painful for my comfort and debilitating for the person who is made to suffer the partnership for the sake of pleasing others, this piece of news is so welcome that it might well buy me some peace on the subject other people cannot seem to leave alone.

It is really the last bit of stress I need on my mind, apparently, the course of chemotherapy I had does radically impair fertility and there is a possibility that I may not be able to sire children.

No, I do not cry, neither do I jump in elation but I will not start running round clinics looking for signs of extraterrestrial life in my sperm and committing another person’s life to the anxiety of a rapidly ticking biological clock.

To Mini-me

The message to my children yet unborn is do not queue up in my docket for your visa into earth, the border control office does not exist and no plans are being made to create one for that purpose.

The fact is, I do not want children, I do not need children and basically the knowledge that I may not be able to produce children might just put paid to all the influences and inferences that endlessly bother me.

If I did have a garden like this seasonal time offers, I know the cup from which I would drink to stay in the life in which I have so become accustomed and love.