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Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 June 2026

The Author I Have Not Yet Become

From Bricks to Code

Just imagine you had a Lego set, and a spurt of inspiration allowed you to build interesting structures consistently. Taken together, someone might think you had the makings of an architect; providence, or perhaps persuasion, might spur you in that direction.

If you did eventually become an architect, and a successful one at that, you might think your earlier Lego experience was the genesis of your talent, and indicative of it.

My exposure to computer programming and code goes back almost forty years, if I can remember clearly anymore, because dates can become fuzzy. Yet what I got to do and what could be realised were completely different things.

The Elusive Slipstream

I can write code to do utilitarian things, such as administrative activity, converting complex repetitive tasks into structured automation with logging and reporting. However, I have not broken the mould by writing a productivity tool like Microsoft Office, a game, or an app.

The ability to do this is probably there somewhere, but I have not caught the slipstream that eases me into the knowledge that it can be done. I find myself hoping for a Eureka moment that makes the scales fall from my eyes and puts my mental capacity in gear, allowing me to do something that feels extraordinary to me, yet is quite perfunctory to others.

Doubt and the Page

Everyone harbours a modicum of self-doubt in areas where others have seen a scintilla of skill and assumed it is the crack in the doorway to the expression of amazing talent. Indeed, looking at my compendium of almost twenty-three years of blogging, you could conclude that I am a good writer; I am, however, nowhere near where I would consider myself an author.

In considering a return to school, this is one area where I am ready to be taught how to put my thoughts on paper. Not for the blogs, which alone are hard enough, carrying a train of thought through three pages of verbiage with a sense of coherence, but for taking that to a book of 300 pages or more, which looks like comparing a swim to a voyage.

Both are journeys of a kind on water, but the preparation and mode of travel are so totally different that they are not the same. There is writing blogs and there is writing books; I probably have enough material in my blogs to write many books, but I feel overwhelmed at the prospect. I think there is a slipstream of authoring somewhere that I need to catch.

Stories Worth Telling

Over a decade ago, I began writing the elements of a biography, and I would be the first to suggest that we all have stories to tell. I could probably tell the most fascinating story, or the most soporific yarn, of my life, but in either case you would sense the gratitude of privilege, blessing, and hope as the substrate of everything told. None of the first four chapters look like what my blogging prowess would suggest I do so well.

Could I have this story ghostwritten? The idea alone of using another mouthpiece to give my own life story in a second-hand narrative weakens me to total impotence. Where I have not found the impetus to get ahead by myself, I suppose that means I need the education and tutelage to bring that ability and facility to the fore.

If this were to be achieved by pep talk, daring, acknowledgement, or the recognition of what others see as my talents and gifts, I promise you, it would already have been done.

There is the truth and there is reality: even men of great renown have their fears, their misgivings, and their doubts, all part of what makes each of us human and, hopefully, part of the appreciation by others that we are all still a work in progress.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Friday, 14 October 2022

Thought Picnic: Self-doubt, a teacher of humility

The humbling of the present

The unfortunate sacking of Kwasi Kwarteng, the erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer gave me something to ponder about my situation. I wrote in a tweet, “Sometimes, a dramatic humbling can be quite life-affirming, do not take every setback as the end of purpose, ambition, or prospect.”

The reason why I can relate is I was invited for an interview on Monday and just before we had the meeting, the agency called to say that the client had realised they had a budget shortfall and whether I would consider lobbing off about 40% from what we had agreed on Friday.

I politely declined as I reflected on the disrespectfulness and insult apart from the unprofessionalism that enabled that kind of feedback that should have been better relayed as the position had been filled by other personnel. You see a lot in 27 years of dealing with contract agencies, and then some.

Beyond the travails we see

Soon afterwards, I got a phone call from another agency offering the prospect of a re-engagement with a client I had worked with before. I was keen and so my details were put forward and they expressed an interest in offering an opportunity.

However, I was to attend an interview on Microsoft Teams scheduled for Friday and I had only hours before reserved to collect my new passport in Liverpool. I did not want to postpone the interview and so that meant planning to be in Liverpool to both attend the interview and collect my passport.

Meanwhile, I was also to give a presentation as part of the interview process with the choice from 5 topics that looked quite distinct yet from my experience were intricately interrelated. I found myself in a similar brain fog as I was 5 years ago, trying to decide which topic to present, though then I chose one and wrapped the considerations of the other 3 topics into how they relate with the one I chose.

In doubt and unsure

It would have been easy and lazy to rehash the old document, but I had to do better, and I gathered the material and began to construct the elements of my presentation. In my head, I had a good idea of what I wanted to say, but how to fit that into an acceptable presentation became a challenge.

For all the expertise and experience I do have, others probably do believe in my abilities more than I dare to believe I am. There are jobs I should apply for that reticence and doubt persuades me otherwise. My friends constantly urge me to step up, their perspective of me way ahead of my apparent insecurities.

My presentation almost became existential in its import, for it would have been the crux upon which the decision to hire me would have been based amongst other considerations. I found myself wondering how I could quite easily scupper my chances given what might be a golden opportunity. Then I would whisper to myself, that everything would be fine, take breathing exercises and try to calm myself down.

The trial of adequacy

My friends would suggest I am not lacking in confidence, I have my doubts about that assessment, and then maybe I am beating myself up too hard. My presentation was only about 75% finished by the time I went to bed, and I was so sleep-deprived thinking about how I had not closed the activity. Something was missing from giving the presentation the necessary feel of a proposal made to a C-suite executive.

A few ideas wandered into my mind overnight and on getting up, I showered and went for breakfast that I could hardly finish before giving Brian a call. My best friend had sent me a message of encouragement during the night too, which I acknowledged. I went for a walk to the River Mersey and returned to complete my presentation with just an hour left to the interview.

Things seemed to fall into place and with just about 20 minutes to spare, there was nothing more I could do about what I was about to present. Unsure and nervous, we began a discussion when I realised that my 9 slides of PowerPoint presentation were to be delivered in 10 minutes, there was no point panicking, I went for it with mannerisms and tics, all forgiven with the verdict that it was a good presentation.

Self-doubt, the measure of strength

This was something I would never have been able to pull off without the support of my friend, and my partner, they were constantly encouraging me even as it was increasingly difficult to believe them. Then I need to find the positive in my ordeal, maybe self-doubt is a good check on hubris too, it works for me even if it stresses me out too.

There is a humbling that teaches you the truth of your vulnerability not to strip you of agency but to equip you with the human need to seek support and encouragement to empower you through when your strength appears to fail.

It is like what Apostle Paul said in II Corinthians 1v9-11“Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.”

It speaks for itself, that our vulnerabilities or the humbling of the present only allows us to appreciate that we can do a lot more in the context of our humanity by relying on others.

Thursday, 13 May 2021

Thought Picnic: Will you show it to me?

The captivity of life

I never really got to see Free Willy, a film about a killer whale caught in the wild, taken into captivity and the quest to free it before the presumed owners could kill it. Yet, there is a dimension of Free Willy in our lives, we are help captive by many things we need to and must break free from. Even as humans with our apparent overarching domination of the world and its creatures, our limitations sometimes surprise us or even defy us.

My mind does get laid out in my blogs that even the urgency to write is tempered by the immediacy to reflect as to how the words will be written and how they will be read and understood. Much as I make out to be comprehended, I do regularly succeed in leaving some confused and that is not for the want of trying.

Carry me like a brother

Self-doubt is a Free Willy situation I content with, the limiting scope with its crushing effect in the confines of the captivity of the lack of imagination. At once, the capacity is dream is imprisoned in the nightmare of inability and concern, the wonder whether or if you are facing defeat blinded from other prospects. Almost like a daytime dark cloud keeping the light and the warmth of the sun at bay, you forgetting the sun will always light the day and the clouds are transient, always transient.

At that point you have to wake up from your funk, find that determination with all the help you can get to be free from all your captivities. We do have limitations, but that does not mean we are limited, in most cases, it is knowing that someone is there beyond your captive situation to lead you to the freedom to be yourself better than you can ever know. Strangely, we know that person, amazingly, the person rarely knows they are.

“Everyone's taking control of me,
Seems that the world's got a role for me,
I'm so confused will you show it to me,
You'll be there for me,
And care enough to bear me.”

Michael Joe Jackson – Will You Be There (1993)
Theme from Free Willy.

Friday, 10 April 2020

Tackling doubt to stand out


We are not that complete
On my Twitter timeline a few days ago, I saw a message from someone I was following who works in my line of trade and is a respected supporter of our community of technical geeks and tyros.
What he had to say was he had about 12 years of working with a main product that most of us cut our teeth on before it began to diverge and diversify from an on-premise kind of infrastructure to embrace the cloud. I started working on the main product in 1996.
We have both watched the evolution of this product along with cloud integration, the cloud part is now becoming prominent in a co-management co-existence that is it now not enough to have a broader experience without the practised activity in the cloud. What surprised me was his admission that he felt like he was behind left behind by the new developments and so becoming concerned about his future prospects.
Overcoming my doubts
I cannot say I gained any satisfaction from learning that someone I assumed was a consummate Jack of al trades from his mastery of part of the subject felt he was not proficient enough in a developing area. I had recognised my limited exposure in the same area and was working hard at acquiring the skill, understanding, knowledge and insight into the workings and best practices.
If anything, it made me begin to question my doubts in my ability, for as I have been looking for new jobs I have mentally excluded myself from profiles that suggested some knowledge of certain fields when I probably had enough of the requisite understanding and exposure to meet the stated requirements and with the wealth of experience should be able to grow into the role to demonstrate proficiency and acumen to excel in it.
Taking on new bouts
I find that as I rate my competence, I am lacking in confidence to venture out and apply for some roles, thereby limiting my choices towards the opportunities that come my way. I feel like I need some sort of reassurance and advice, maybe even a pep talk, I am not sure. What is clear to me is I probably just have to put myself forward, deal with the rejection if that is the result or rise to challenge if they want to take it further.
I am digging for that resilience from within me to face what is ahead. Even in my doubts, I must fight some bouts.

Saturday, 7 March 2020

Thought Picnic: Meditations at my altar to alter me

Addressing my doubts
I sometimes wonder what else I could be doing apart from what I already know to do to get beyond myself and begin to impact others. I can honestly say there is much more I can do than I have ever dared to do.
This is a constant refrain at the back of my mind, the times I feel the wealth of experience can be brought to bear in word, in deed or some other impactful way. I have waited for an opportunity where I should have seized it, my reticence getting the better of me for the fear of being too forward, too eager or too grasping.
What to do now
Yet, I am somewhat dissatisfied with many things and probably filled with angst about some things too. I feel like I need to break through some barriers of expression and engagement to do better than I have tried before.
There is a part of me that rues a time, a time when I think if I knew way back then what I know now, I could have been prepared better for the situation and the circumstances I am in now. I cannot, however, live in some parallel universe of wishing and hoping, I have a reality and a present that I have to breathe, experience the pains and the comforts whilst seeking a resolutory path to still make that difference I have always wanted to make.
A limitless horizon
Invariably, what I did not get to do then does not obviate the usefulness of starting now and going forward with it. It is a turbulence of thoughts, an unease of the mind, the turmoil of the soul and some foreboding that one must arrest before it develops into the incapacitation of fearfulness.
As the clouds hover to darken the day, I must know that the sun still shines beyond them and as the night brings on the dark, the same clouds out of the way reveals the vast beauty of the immeasurably distant universe of twinkling stars and galaxies that boggle the mind. I can daydream with the best; my imagination can wander past the impossible better than a hot knife cuts through butter.
It shall pass for the good to come
Hope keeps me alive with the possible, I comfort myself with the assurance of things always changing for the better, for that has been the journey and the milestones too numerous to count.
The circle is round and the cycle does turn, in penury, in providence and in provision, the inexhaustible blessing of sight beyond the seen, hearing beyond the heard, reaching beyond the grasp, imagining beyond the imaginable and excelling beyond the targets sets me up for new experiences.
The storm will exhaust itself; the calm will come and the peace that passes all understanding will settle upon my path to that which I never thought I could either attain or do.

Thursday, 2 February 2006

Reasoning without cartoons

Is it me you are painting?
In this day and age, a likeness indicates a quality of similarity from which a difference from the original cannot be found.
There have been instances where a pictorial representation of a criminal can drawn by a police artist though based on the evidence of an eye witness.
Except by some inspiration, it is unlikely that an artist would be able to produce the portrait of any particular semblance to anyone the artist has not encountered by reason of some sensual stimulation.
Again, if any did produce a piece of work it is within the prerogative of that artist to give it whatever name to express the content, intent and concept.
Art is what you make it
The appreciation of art is however a personal understanding of the subject or object being observed; the enlightenment that ensues could be influenced by interpretation that one may or may not subscribe to.
If anyone, having scribbled carelessly or with determined genius with a pen or brush presents a portrait of yours truly, it is still left to me to validate that piece of art as my likeness.
If I do not acquiesce to the artist’s fantasy of having described in art, my likeness, no expert can convince me otherwise even though more people see me than I see myself in a mirror.
Probably nothing like the real article
“Nothing like the likeness of Him” and “No man has seen His face” are from the Mohammedan and Judeo-Christian books of religious instruction – these should put paid to any artist who assumes the idea of depicting God in pictures.
After God, we probably can assume that no contemporary man can depict in accuracy the visage of either Jesus Christ or Mohammed.
If we are conscious of that fact, then reason should suggest that any attempted work of depiction can as well be classed as charlatans striving at what they know not; and hence be ignored.
Reasonable doubt is enough doubt
Just as one would reject any depiction that does not suit our recollection of facts or details, a depiction that has no clear basis in fact should of course be dismissed.
Why then are cartoons which have no basis in fact, no proof of likeness, no authentication by the subjects or consideration for reverence the topic of rancorous commentary?
It is high time that our quest for greater faith in God allowed humanist doubt to dislodge the misrepresentation of innocuous scripture which excites many into becoming rather feeble-minded.
Let reason prevail
For those who have whipped up the frenzy that encompasses this saga, it is a unfortunate that men could be herded like cattle into a cause that would normally have had the reasonable well involved in more profitable things.
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