Thought Picnic: It was a Black Valentine

A Black Valentine

In one week, I have written nothing and a lot has happened since I penned the piece about My Funny Valentine in the earnest desire for love, company and companionship.

However, as we woke into the morning of St. Valentine’s Day of the year 2013, 4 shots reverberated round the world as it became an echo chamber of a tragedy that still leaves many in shock but worse still, the irreparable losses, the loss of freedoms to love, to live and to roam – it is all too sad.

She started the night before in the arms of her love and by daybreak she was in the arms of her Lord, the whole episode unfolding like a horrific thriller with both entombed in the ground and in a cell, the former we must never forget for the enduring glory of the latter.

Guns with irrational backbone

One cannot comment on the specifics of the case but one thing is evident, regardless of the status of whoever was caught enclosed and defenceless in that place, that person would have ended up dead, be the person an intruder or a lover and that for me is unacceptable aggression in the face of somewhat irrational fear predicated on the assumed extreme vulnerability of the perpetrator.

Guns appear to give people an unusual sense of bravado and daring where other defence mechanisms to seek help or flee, and I mean flee will kick in.

Four gunshots was four gun shots too many, too determined, too irrational, too demonstrative, too controlling and too self-assured of dealing with a situation. We may never know the mind of the how and why but result is devastating enough that the absence of a sense of great remorse of what was essentially avoidable will never be acceptable.

My sympathies are with the victim, totally

One must not stand to judge, but between the extremes of the benign of the fear of an assumed intruder and it must be clear that this was not fighting off an intruder and the unfortunate pall of spousal abuse resulting in a fatality all too common in many places around the world, my sympathies are squarely with the victim regardless of provocation; no non-aggressive provocation where the other party does not present an existential threat to life should have anyone ending up in the morgue.

The circus of love ended on Valentine’s Day and what we have now for entertainment is the circus of the macabre, it is almost as unwatchable as it is reprehensible as the media feeding frenzy has settled down south on a basic gavel hearing that has now stretched into the fourth day.

For all the accolades, glory and heroic feats of determination and achievement that dogs the principal and masks his attendant foibles, weaknesses and shortcomings, none of which must be discounted with the flippant wave of the hand, my thoughts, my pains and my heartache are with Reeva Steenkamp, her bereaved family, the death of the life force of an amazing dream and the many partners who have by pre-meditation or inadvertently fallen at the hands of the person they chose to love.

Rest well – Reeva Steenkamp.

CHELD - A Conversation on Domestic Violence

An Invitation

A Conversation on Domestic Violence

A CHELD & Law Society UNILAG Event

Wednesday, 12th of December, 2012

10:00 - 15:00

Julius Berger Hall

University of Lagos

Please attend

Domestic Violence Resource

CHELD

HELConsulting

Writing for the Daily Times

Witness and dumbfound

Domestic violence is something that appears to be a taboo topic in Nigeria and I have seen my share of it as a child. In the scheme of things my experience looks inconsequential.

My parents never hit at each other but there was enough tension in the house for us to know that the mental and emotional torture was just as palpable.

I was only 5 when my father intent on walking away from a tense situation got into his car and as my uncle held my mother back, he revved out of the garage and unbeknownst to him, he drove over my mother’s shin – almost 42 years on, the event plays back in my mind like a slow-motion horror film.

Raze the bloody altars

Elsewhere, I have seen worse, wives battered beyond recognition and nothing in the community, in society or in the law to actively come to their aid in support and in defence of their right to live in so-called matrimonial bliss.

The preponderance of culture in a majority of cases has had the battered wife return to that atrocious environment as we sacrifice our mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, nieces and womenfolk on the many bloody altars of tradition, religion, custom, beliefs or just plain male chauvinistic arrogance.

Titi Arowolo

The extreme of which was the alleged literal butchering of Titi Arowolo by her husband, the details were graphic enough to not need corroborative pictures and the case languishes in court a good 18 months after the crime. [My Blog]

The incredulity of it all lies in the many facets of the story, the preparations for a wedding without preparing for marriage, the acquiescence, silence or indifference of their community when the conflict started which culminated in murder, the lackadaisical attitude of the law to issues of domestic violence and the crown it all, a pathologist said the lady was stabbed 76 times whilst the father-in-law professes his son had 17 knife wounds to his view of the daughter having sustained just 3 stab wounds.

We will not go into who is more qualified as a pathologist but we need to talk, we need to talk about Domestic Violence in our society and address the taboo issues head-on.

A Necessary Conversation

Dr Cheluchi Onyemeukwe runs the Centre for Health Ethics Law and Development (CHELD) which is established to employ law, policy, ethics promotion and research, and practical health development projects to improve public health in Nigeria and other African countries.

Writing to me in an email, her words, “I said I would do something after that Titi Arowolo case and this is my keeping my word to myself and God.”

In conjunction with the Law Society of the University of Lagos, CHELD is presenting A Conversation on Domestic Violence – Awareness, Education and Empowerment.

She says, “We discuss the signs of abuse, the myths around domestic violence, what to do in an abusive situation, the law on domestic violence such as the Lagos State law on domestic violence, the human rights aspects of domestic violence, the emotional underpinnings and impact of abuse.

We emphasise that domestic violence is not only physical abuse but also emotional abuse.

We talk about developing a strong sense of self and self-esteem.”

Then she says, “These Conversations are intended to do several things including but not limited to - keep the issue of domestic violence on the front burner and in the consciousness of different parts of society, provide information that is currently lacking, provide an avenue for people in abusive situations to seek help, and create avenues to break down cultural obstacles.

I started with doing counselling and providing material and other support to victims, but I think we need to do more, to do something before people find themselves in tragic situations.”

And she concludes, “We have also set up an Online Resource Centre for Domestic Violence, which will provide information on legal and organisational supports, helplines etc. It is at this Domestic Violence resource website. It is still under development.”

I endorse this

I am quite in support of this event and the many initiatives that will keep the issue of Domestic Violence in the public eye until every similitude of it is eradicated and those who practice it face the full might of the law with prompt justice for the victims.

There should be no excuse for Domestic Violence and it should never be excused by whatever belief system we may adhere to regardless of its provenance.

I implore you to attend this event if you can, share the information with as many as you can and visit the websites for more information on this issue.

Thank you.

Nigeria: Spousal abuse disgraces king

The deposition of a king

As there was much clamour what mattered was the aftermath of it all and it took almost a whole long two weeks to come, the result of which one cannot quibble about.

The Deji of Akure, Oba Oluwadare Adesina Adepoju, Osupa III, one of the paramount rulers of Yorubaland has been deposed [1], the constitutional arrangement in Nigeria is that a king rules by the blessing of his people but is answerable to the government of the day and in this case the state governor in which the kingdom exists.

Unwarranted aggression

The king was estranged from one of his many wives and with a gang of hoodlums visited the lady, poured noxious and caustic fluids over her and had her beaten up.

When the police attended the fracas, apart from separating the feuding couple and the bystanders who tried to placate the situation they took no particular action predicated on the excuse that it was a domestic spat.

End impunity and spousal abuse

Unfortunately, for the Oba, every local activity now seems to gain global scrutiny and the greater the odium the more the impetus for some action to be taken.

In this respect, two pertinent issues have come to the fore and it should be the beginning of a progressive and welcome situation in marital disputes.

A traditional king should regardless of the power and authority that he wields now realise that the rules of engagement with the community regardless of relationship can no more be one of megalomania aggravated with impunity without consequence – if necessary, the king shall be sanctioned and cannot be above the law – the premise of absolute monarchism is a fantasy at best.

A marital relationship even if estranged does not offer the cloak of exculpation in the event of spousal abuse, if matters cannot be resolved with dialogue then they cannot be resolved – to resort to violence because one has the power to mete out such would invite the full weight of the law, opprobrium and hopefully disgrace.

Societal change should come

The society must no more condone the prevalence of spousal abuse for marital dispute resolution, the law enforcement agencies must have their inclinations realigned to understand that physical abuse, violence, battering occasioning bodily harm cannot be absolved regardless of the causative issues.

The loud and clear message from this dethronement and banishment should be that nobody no matter how highly placed is above the law and when sanctioned for primitive acts like this all favours, dignities and respects would be revoked without redemption.

In disgrace as chapter is closed

One would think traditional rulers should be role models and paragons of uprightness, control, patience and comportment in the face of untenable circumstances – this example is despicable at best and an example should be made of this man with restitution including a profuse apology to the victim, his estranged wife, an apology to his people and at the risk of pre-empting the judicial process a custodial sentence with community service for these heinous sins.

It does make one wonder how a union that was at one time blissful and loving could have degenerated into a street brawl with such vengeful aggression – a king must keep his counsel with wisdom, long live the king but not with acts of impunity.

The people of Akure must hope that the next king would contrast greatly in demeanour and character from the hoodlum that one soiled the revered seat of the Deji of Akure, as for the reign of Osupa III, let the records show that it ended in disgrace, ignominy and shame.

Source

[1] Ondo removes Akure Oba: 234Next.com