Seven Years of Hope, Faith, and Love

Finding My Own Path

Unconventional would probably define much of what can be said about my perspective on life and living, not out of trying to be different or rebellious, but seeking out what gives me purpose, joy, and fun.

Nothing in my work life resembles what others before me have experienced. I chose a path driven by curiosity, exploring what interests me, and finding opportunities where I was recognised for my abilities and how I might change things. It has been turbulent, successful, and rewarding.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Yet, it is in the pursuit of happiness that I might have been the most misunderstood. It is as though living your own life becomes a challenge to others, through no fault of your own, viewed from cultural or societal perspectives.

However, I do not want to make this a weighty piece of psychological reasoning, as it is a day of celebration. Reflecting on how finding someone special can change your world, that is an undeniable fact.

Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago, I met someone whom I would not have initially approached. They came to say hello, and we started a conversation. As we sat at the bar talking, the world faded away; an undeniable connection between us was established.

We met again for lunch before parting ways, one thinking it was a fleeting holiday encounter, and the other wondering what might develop. I saw a future after nearly a decade of silent grief at the death of someone I loved, but I was too timid to pursue that relationship boldly. In my youth, I saw obstacles, barriers, hurdles, and excuses; we all suffered for it.

A Leap of Faith

When this unexpected turn came, as I was not even actively seeking it, it felt different. It was new. I didn't hesitate; I seized the moment. A long-distance relationship, nurtured against all odds, fulfilling in countless ways, grounded in hopes fuelled by a dreamlike imagination that only living can make real.

Every moment is lived and cherished in the realisation that I am truly, madly, deeply, and wonderfully loved. We have laughed, cried, fought, and made peace; struggled and triumphed, but most importantly, we discovered the power of companionship, trust, love, joy, and the enduring strength of desire in making things happen.

A Happy Anniversary

To all of this, I wish you, Brian, a very happy seventh anniversary. You mean the whole wide world to me. I love you dearly and thank you for your indescribably unconditional love.

Living the breeze of Cape Town

Cape Town on My Mind

I might miss Cape Town this December, but when I look back on the last seven years, I have spent a bit of every month of the year there, except for February and March.

This city brings me more than joy. I get to spend beautiful moments with Brian: walking the promenade, shopping at the Victoria & Alfred Waterfront, eating and dining in friendly restaurants, feeling the breeze on long stretches of beach that seem to have no end for miles, attending cultural events, and basking in the nature and beauty of Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden.

If we wander away from Cape Town, it is to a wine estate, though we have not done that in a while. We live and desire Cape Town as the destination of our dreams. We can be as occupied as we can be idle, but every moment is fulfilling. Nothing beats the yearning to return and have an extended, or even permanent, stay there.

The Cape Town I Know

After Brian met my best friend in Pretoria last month, Kola left for Cape Town, where he saw the city through my eyes and my knowledge of the places he went to, as if we were there together.

Such is the familiarity and sense of belonging that we, Brian and I, have acquired. However, we need to cultivate stronger ties and relationships beyond just knowing the city: to have friends and become part of the community.

In some ways, Brian also needs to take the initiative on planning and scheduling, rather than suggesting outlandish ideas that he would never attempt, like hiking up Table Mountain or paragliding from the mountain to the Sea Point lawns. He uses these crazy ideas as a tactic to get me to suggest something less dangerous.

Cape Town in Our Hearts

We rarely do anything on the scene, just as I have no such interest in Manchester, but there is much to gain from engagement in the churches we attend.

We seem to attract both interest and curiosity, and for most of the time we have met with a very welcoming and enriching atmosphere. Brian, though, would rarely attend church alone, usually after I have left, when being there could provide some succour for the feeling of separation.

Cape Town exudes that vivid quality of pictures, memories, events, and feelings, all too real in my mind. Even from 9,900 kilometres away, I feel the warmth, hear the waves, and could touch the wooden slats of the benches at Nobel Square, watching the clouds billowing over Table Mountain and listening to the marimba bands performing as we sip Mango Bang fruit smoothies. We do love Cape Town.

Thought Picnic: Mostly, one is not alone

The recesses of solitude

The comfort the security of my home provides could easily preclude me from essential socialising with other people and this has been exacerbated from the time of the pandemic when the need to be in an office was first restricted by lockdown and unviable by distance.

The wealth of solitude cultivated from hermit tendencies that have developed over decades probably in reaction to living in rather closely-knit settings became a need for one’s private space and the protection of that apparent luxury of estate.

The exuberance of companionship

It would seem the only time that was shelved was with Brian, my partner because we have striven to create a proper home environment for ourselves with a sense of autonomy and independence that we enjoy. Even though there are times I want to escape from it to have time to myself, it is a learning process.

If anything, I am very comfortable with our domestic arrangements, and it is one I quite so long for as it presents and satisfies that critical need for companionship with the understanding of each other and intimacy that does not exist in any other relationship.

However, getting out of my home to interact with a team of volunteers once a week seems to be quite beneficial too. For indirectly, I have begun to feel a sense of realignment of priorities and an appreciation of the kind of person I am. You realise that you need to be amongst people to use some life skills that never find an airing if you are sequestered in your home or using basic technology.

Working with all I have

Yet, Brian and I have availed ourselves quite fully of whatever means we have to maintain daily and constant communication with the support system it entails that is somewhat unavailable elsewhere. There are times I do feel alone and isolated, and maybe I do determinedly isolate myself too, what I am at least grateful for is there are many, friends, relations, and strangers alike who endeavour to keep in touch with me.

Beyond that, help from unexpected sources, far and near would keenly suggest one is not alone by any stretch of the imagination. You work with what you have and work with what you get for in all that makes up the experience with life, the spirit of encouragement imparted by mother, partner, and friend says there is a better story being written, even now.

The heart of desire always matters

Desire is not a luxury

There is a sense that there are luxuries one cannot afford in relation to certain circumstances that one might find oneself in. Yet, it is without debate that one is probably best equipped to face some issues in the company of the closest companion a person has, where intimacy and trust give the impetus and courage to attend and apprehend.

What cannot be discounted is the wanting, probably the wishing, yea the longing, indeed the craving, and definitely the yearning, all the synonyms of desire playing in strength and force to a state of compulsive demand in groaning and supplication for fulfilment.

It is so quickly dismissed as unimportant, like you should put desire aside for the pertinent, like desire is shirking attention to the essential, something you cannot afford to put out there in the light of prevailing issues.

Desire makes us human

Then I look back through the times and find that the stability of having someone with whom there is commitment without conflict has served as a first the grounding and then the springboard to leap into the unknown to experience adventure, wonder, and excitement.

For everyone who has a companion, the closeness to each other makes for the fundamental bolstering of emotion and temperament for purpose and challenge. People can help and do so much for you, but that person with whom love is shared for intimacy and desire excites a passion in the pursuit of happiness and the joy of living that words cannot so easily express.

Desire matters, even the divine understands that man has desires, deeply held yearnings of want and desire that in lovingkindness, tender mercies and amazing grace are granted beyond the wildest dreams of the supplicant. The heart’s desire is part of what confirms us as men, nothing would please me more than to face each day together with Brian, knowing that together, we are more than a formidable team.

I know there is strength and support in the company of those whom you love; to face issues. Every good desire is like fuel to light the flame of hope creating a reality for which in accomplishment every sound that escapes our lips can only be of thankfulness and gratitude for times that have become so kind.

Thought Picnic: The anchor of relative companionship

The power of real and virtual touch

It is quite unusual for anything to knock me sideways, as I try to regain focus on the important things and concentrate on matters of relevance and development. I guess what keeps me going is helped by the support and interaction I have with Brian, who though is far away always has the comforting words that buoy me when I am feeling listless.

It goes without saying that things would be much better with the human touch, a tight hug and a kiss, rubbing my back and soothing words as you feel the breath of closeness expressing love can go a much longer way. And whilst I am hardly the best to give any relationship advice, I can say without equivocation that having the stability of a partner in your life gives you more than an anchor to weather the storms of life.

In the bosom of knowing love

When surrounded by turmoil and uncertainty, you know there is a place you can go to where home provides safety and security, the shelter from where you can renew your strength and stand again to face the world. Our relationship though mostly spent apart than together even as we plan for when we can be together for longer provides a kind of enduring safe harbour that I cherish in my life.

I know that things would turn out right, they always do, blessings and favour encompass us to bring us not only to a good place but into the best and ever-improving pursuit and realisation of our goals. The obscure becomes more evident with each day as we press on diligently and hopefully hold each other and support each other. Just that smile and everything is alright with me.

Thought Picnic: Stuck on the absence of desire

On a funny compass

The surfeit of blogs might deceptively suggest a liberal ability to express one’s feelings or find the form of words to capture some thought process succinctly, yet many should be careful that expression might also be concealment. A means of distracting attention from other issues that the principal is struggling with, just as it is easy to forget the humanity and vulnerability of people who appear to have mastered the art of communication.

Lately, I have found myself unable to express myself in a way that I should freely be able to, given the time, the place and the opportunity. The opportunity has been dictated by situations completely outside my control. Demands and requests are being made of me that I cannot find the will or the urge to fulfil.

Trying to get unstuck

At a point, one feels literally clogged up with no outlet to ease tension or frustration, it is not for the want of desire or passion, it seems one has been exhausted by a form of separation anxiety that has been difficult to remediate. Anyone else might think there is a simple fix, it is not working for me, and I am somewhat worried by its effect on another.

God knows I have been trying to rekindle that thing, if there was some emotional jumpstart, I might even try it. What will not do it is the sudden, the deliberate, the demanding, or the invasion. I hope I get out of my funk soon enough time. Besides that, and what is going on in my head and affecting my body in ways I cannot describe to any satisfaction, the heart is still glowing with the happiness and joy that presence brings. Bear with me even if everything cannot be understood at this time.

Talking of natural attraction

Just a natural attraction

Sometimes, you find that you are conditioned by a heteronormative world, and that forms the perspective from which you see things especially in the areas of interest and attraction. Yet, you are informed by difference, a situation that suggests you are predisposed to something different.

Stepping out this morning, I thought about my affinity for a type of male form that is irresistibly attractive and alluring. This is something I have felt from as far back as when I was 7 years old. I remember that feeling washed through me as I watched a slightly older neighbourhood friend of ours come to play with his siblings at my home.

Growing to accept myself

Nothing happened between us, but I can say about myself that this was not some sort of aberration or deviancy, it was a naturally unexplained tendency that I have processed since then and eventually come to terms with. That it has a name, or a label is beside the point. We are who we are seeking to first accept ourselves and hopefully be accepted for who we are and not be judged for being that.

Then, there are places where this is not accepted even though humanity has always been represented in commonality as much as difference and diversity if we are to allow for that simplicity without the issues of influence by belief systems, prejudices, conservatism, or anything that seeks to set others apart for no other reason than they are to any degree different.

To marriage we go

We all desire some sort of companionship, in the general sense and in the particular. The former would comprise people we meet as acquaintances, friends, colleagues, or even strangers, maybe just being in a crowd. In the latter, we might start with family, to relations, extending to community and then one person with whom we desire to be intimate and with whom we share much more than with others.

The heteronormative is a construct that appears to be underpinned by statute that is changing in many dominions to accommodate a broader view of people we choose to partner with and make known that they have become our significant other, in deed first, and then by law. It is going to happen more with people, marriage, regardless of pairing. I have found someone with whom that matters more than anything. It is Brian.

Thought Picnic: Making a home of a house

Could not live there

Standing at the top of our street, Gbélẹ̀yí, it was called, meaning live in or on this land, I was not looking forward to living or life there. A place that was supposed to be my home, on sight brought a very sinking feeling upon me, like a bucket of cold water emptied over my head and travelling down my body uniformly but slower than gravity acting on it.

I could never understand it, in the house where I lived, I had my parents and my siblings, below was my uncle and his family, we had a friendly enough neighbourhood, in the house, I have shelter and provision, protection too, but something was still missing that did not address a deeply emotional need, I was adrift in a place where for my discomfiture, the only question was, ‘What is the matter with you?’

I lived in a house that was not a home, much as it was a home to many, yet there was nowhere else I could call home, so I endured life there and failed in other things. Things were not that equal.

Home long before home

When I lived in Amsterdam and went on my travels, there were times I could see my apartment block from miles away, sometimes from the plane, usually from a train arriving at the station, or from the taxi just before it went into a long tunnel. It was a wonderful sight to behold, for long before I got home, I felt I was at home.

The same feeling, I had when for 18 nights I yearned to return home from the hospital that when I eventually returned, I began to feel that my healing would accelerate. Even in the time of privation and penury brought on by extreme adversity, my home comforts helped the determination that I was on the mend. Opportunity did present to leap out of my 7th-floor apartment window, but I felt stronger inside my home especially when a sense of claustrophobia seemed to envelop me.

For my new home

I am at the stage of planning to build another home, I place where I want to return from the world outside and all its troubles, into the refreshing and strength that first soothes my aches and salves my sores before I am recuperated to face the world again. Into the arms of love and support, of care and concern, of companionship and friendship that transcends all and gives the assurance that we can face everything together.

Then I wonder to myself, every now and again? Am I a hopeless romantic, a fool for love and blindly falling to a place of despair? I have to tell myself, I know better now, yet a cloud of doubt seeks to shield the sunshine of beauty from giving warmth to the seeds sown for a future we can build if we allow ourselves to do amazing things. I yearn for a house made into a home.

It is magically beyond real

We live so true

Spirits move me to a plane of excitement and expectation I cannot find the words to express. There is a joy in life that seems to find its circle of completion in the person and the companionship of one such who indeed has stolen my heart away.

The strain of distance and the length of time that we have been apart has its effect, but we stand strong in the knowledge that much of what we see will pass, the constraints that prevent would give away eventually to allow the inevitable. Two hearts meant to be as one will be as one in the fulness of time.

We believed the truth

In yearning and desire, we have sat, urging each other on and encouraging each other of how the time away dissolves into the closeness of the time together. Dreamy thoughts and pictures of what we have done and will do begin to take the shape of a reality that we long to share.

At the time one proposed, it floated like an idea to be challenged and negotiated, then I realise I work with people as human as I am, with feelings just as I have, who know the need for fulfilling companionship cannot be exercised for so long at the distance for it does need proximity to rekindling and renewal.

We cleave to life

I can have the time I have required to go and do this and more whilst a stand-in is recruited to cover for my absence. It is a kind of magnanimity much appreciated and one I cannot but be thankful for. It is in this vein that the countdown has begun. I am buzzing like a bumblebee, it is something you cannot fully contain, it just bubbles out of you with effervescence and brilliance.

The light of my world and the smile that comforts with the touch that soothes, love is a many-splendored construct of the completely inexpressible made true and lived large. I am thankful for the good fortune and favour unto me and mine.

Thought Picnic: Being humanly human in my humanness

Many little things

Even as stoic as one might appear to be, appearances can quite easily be deceptive; mental capacity can so soon be depleted by the confluence of situations and events that are outside one’s control, yet impactful because of one’s attachment or affinity to those things.

It is a situation one cannot put into words to explain to any coherence, the what, the who, the when or the how, it’s like a faucet dripping, nothing of note as it drips, but significant it is collects and makes a sound for each drip. If dripping into a container, it soon fills up and you can be driven to distraction just hearing that interminable dripping.

Let it drain away

It is a kind of fluster that sleep will not cure and that is if you can find that kind of restful sleep that can make you relax and awake with a sense and feeling of strength and readiness for the day. From experience, you just give it time to dissipate, treat it like a form of intoxication that eventually wears off for the return of your sobriety. Then I am too much of a control freak that intoxication is not a lived experience.

A type of frustration seems to loom making you quite irritable and showing up in a lot that you do, decisions that come to the fore that with hindsight will have you nodding to yourself that you have allowed yourself through circumstance to be a fool. You just cannot deceive yourself even if you choose to ignore the obvious.

Every bit human

Vulnerability and naivety are dangerous condiments in a time of apparent mental weakness. You know you are in it and hope it is over before it becomes a harbinger of rue. Obviously, this is where companionship matters, we are far apart and planning on a rendezvous soon as we have not been together since mid-January.

I appreciate his helplessness because he wants to do so much that cannot be bridged by our separation, his soothing and wise words are a great comfort, a tower of strength he is and so quickly notices when I am not particularly there and now, he understands to give me the space to sort my head out. If we were together, the human touch, the hug, that feeling of time collapsed, love expressed, and tenderness experienced would have made all the difference.

It would get better, I can do this much as I acknowledge, I am only being human, my strength will return, and the wonder of hope will refresh me for what is ahead. All towards the healing of being with and the comfort of seeing Brian, keeps me going.

Planning an adventure of significance

The life of desire

I have an adventure in my mind, one full of excitement as much as it has challenges, one that I cannot think of embarking on with a companion and that companion is to me the best one I have by my side to face the possibilities and the uncertainties.

We have found a meeting of minds and knitting of hearts, a common purpose that only love can give the inextinguishable light of hope and desire that grows and thrives as we walk lockstep through the clear and the thick, the high and the low, the fertile and the barren, the wet and the dry, weaving a tapestry of tales colourful, durable, and lively, priceless in value.

We chose each other, Brian and I, and though there is distance between us, we are close in thought and sight, knowing that separation is only temporary until the sudden, the planned or circumstance allows the fulfilment of what we have always wanted; to be together and never to be apart anymore. We are dreams that do come true even beyond our wildest imaginations. The chapter starts here.

For more than just the dreams

Towards the good perfect

What would you think is your idea of perfect in the midst of everything you encounter and the life you live? I think of many things, the way things are and the way I want things to be along with how to bridge the gap between those situations.

Yes, we dream and we desire, even we hope and try not to despair, our yearnings against our earnings in a tussle of the possibility and bringing impossibility into the realm of reality. Life imitates many things including fantasy and somewhere within the gifts we are given we deign to think nothing is really out of reach.

From my mind to living

I guess what is paramount in my mind is companionship and then everything else that makes all that work out. This pandemic has upset so many things, but it won’t be long as the visions form in the vivid tapestry of my active mind and imagination; Brian, Cape Town, working from home from anywhere in the world, the thriving of my partner and the freedom to be and be well.

Indeed, what is your idea of the current imperfect becoming as close to as perfect can be, where the luck, the good, the grace, the favour, and fortune all smile on you.

Thought Picnic: Casting pearls of friendship before swine of misery

Reaching out in the plague

During this pandemic considering how alone and lonely some people could be, I reached out to some friends to maintain the bond of friendship and to offer support, not because I was in a perfect situation, but I realised how mutually beneficial it could be to me and them.

Most of my friends engaged and even introduced activities that helped weather the lockdown even if all we did never made up for the absence of companionship for some and the distance between partners in an existing relationship. We ploughed on in the hope that eventually, the plague will lift, and we can begin to see each other again.

The unpredictability of friendships

Generally, I do not make friends that easily, most of the friends, I have known for decades and that does not mean I do not have the time for new friendships, the opportunities abound but it is almost like a frog kissing exercise and if you ever believed the story of the prince that was turned into a frog then kissed to turn into a handsome eligible bachelor prince, you will probably kiss every frog you see.

You really cannot determine what will make friends of people from their first encounter, even if there are mutual interests, there is much more to establishing interests than basic commonalities. I have friends I cannot for the life of me understand how we could ever have been friends and yet we thrive together in respect, affection, concern, and love. It is a mysterious thing and I do not care from the postulations written about friendships, there are qualities of interdependence that would make them work.

A friendship may never grow

There are cases where I have decided not to continue friendships that they could be links to memories in the past that I would rather forget. There are friendships I have just terminated because the emotional abuse usually borne of issues in that person’s life has been projected on me, that I have run out of the patience to endure it any longer.

I am sure there are people who were once friends who now think nothing of me, that is their prerogative, I guess eventually I get the hint if I have not been directly informed that the friendship is being discontinued. Though, in one instance I do remember one friendship that had prospect but never took hold, much as I liked the person there was a lot I learnt of them that suggested they had rarely been acquainted with kindness in friendship, they had a form of misery they needed to share that I was not predisposed to.

Treasure your pearls of friendship

Strenuously, I tried to help bring this person to appreciate a side of humanity I felt could free one to enjoy life, I was met with an unpersuadable spirit first and then my own openhearted entreaties were being drained into the blackhole of their not know which side their bread was buttered on, I was casting my pearls of friendship to be trampled on by swine of misery. I hoped and I persevered, but I was getting nowhere.

They were not interested and I guess eventually as I read somewhere, “reality is the most tenacious influencer I know.”* The reality I lived and experienced meant even I had to understand we were not friends however much I hoped we could be and whilst I doubt we would become enemies, it was time for me to invest in what was working and whatever else might have a prospect. The end.

* Andrew Sullivan in Substack. [Rejecting the jab: why has the US vaccine roll-out ‘hit a wall’?]

We are social beings

Companionship always matters

I was watching a nature programme some years ago where a silverback gorilla had been fought and defeated that he had to leave his troop of gorillas. Within weeks the condition and state of the silverback had deteriorated, he was emaciated not because he was not eating, but because the loss of company, companionship, interaction, grooming and society had a radically detrimental effect on him, he was depressed and could most likely die soon after.

Then, I remember an event where some members of my family piled on me for not keeping in communication, all with the inkling that I was getting on with my life with no concern for them. Nothing could be further from the truth, I was alone and lonely whilst being expected to shoulder issues that should and could be resolved between people who see each other daily at home, but the mistaken belief that from abroad I could manage things was to absent themselves from the power of power and importance of human proximity.

The hard distant circumstances

Much as we can be social beings, we can also be hermits by choice or through circumstances beyond our control. We all need intimacy of a sort that is not available to all, but we cope with the situation we are in until opportunities come. I find that it strange that people still make no effective use of human interaction where the proximity exists. Invariably, we find scope for ignoring that benefit which for others is a luxury.

We treat those near with contempt because we feel those who are distant can fill in for that sense of community forgetting that many of those far away do not have that resource. We may not deteriorate like the silverback gorilla, but the need for companionship and intimacy cannot be insignificant.

Use proximity better

If only some of us did not have to be alone and find some social setting to feel just simply human, for we are not boundless in strength and capacity even if we appear to be so. We are vulnerable and sometimes envious of the community that others fail to appreciate.

It goes without saying that those who have friends and family around to see, to touch, to interact with and to find that social animal expression should exploit it better, if they can. If with proximity you cannot find your best humanity, how really can you do much more at a distance? In the same vein, have in mind that many do not have that situation, do not stress them with demands they can hardly meet.

In the life of HRH, The Duke of Edinburgh

An amazingly long life

His Royal Highness, The Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh who died today we mostly know from his public service and also as the Queen’s consort of 73 years. That much about his public service would be duly covered by many tributes, recollections, and obituaries that would fill every medium of the dissemination of news, information, and trivia. [Wikipedia:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]

A man who died just 2 months short of his 100^th birthday leaves one sad at his not reaching that landmark, but 99 is an extraordinary innings, it is not a competition to attain but many things including blessing, provenance, and luck leaves us celebrating an extraordinary life.

Of support and companionship

To the Queen who has lost a husband, partner, companion, and mainstay of 73 years, there will be a great void created by the absence of someone with whom she first had letters from the age of 13, some 81 years ago, to her must be accorded the deepest and heartfelt sympathies. What an exemplary marriage, an example of companionship demonstrated in love, in accommodation, in endurance, in patience, and in tolerance.

Through the good times and the bad times, they supported each other their private arrangements giving life and light to their public engagements, their working together like a symphony, in rhythm, in movement, and enthralling music. It must be the kind of relationship anyone would long for; when partners first meet when they take their vows and each day make a fairy tale of their imperfections given the allowance to reach the best kind of perfect, they could muster for each other.

No mourning but celebration

To the children, the part of my Yoruba identity lauds them, even in their sorrow, to have been predeceased by a parent that lived for a ripe old age brings congratulations for surviving that parent. For such there is no mourning but joy, there is no black apparel or attire, just blue, we revere a long life in a world where much is quite uncertain, it cannot be ignored.

As Prince Philip is given the kind of no-fuss send-off that he desired, much as we the people would want to thank him, I find the most profound Christian message of the resurrection in the notice posted by the Archbishop of Canterbury, “May His Royal Highness rest in peace and rise in glory.” Amen. [Archbishop of Canterbury: On the death of HRH The Duke of Edinburgh]

Finding who all matters with

Finding someone special

You get to a point where you begin to realise what matters to you in life. Having done so many things, experienced things to relive and others to forget, priorities and reality begin to fix your perspective.

Nothing excites me more than company and companionship, especially that which emanates from love and a loving relationship. I know I have had the most pleasant and amazing times with a man called Brian. With him, I have glowed more brilliantly than the sun on a cloudless day at noon, all from the inside out.

When love spoke

I found a love that spoke to the deepest parts of me, different as it might be, is significant and completely relevant for us. We have planned to build a life together in societies where we would be free, happy and safe.

These words from Alicia Keys say everything I sometimes cannot find the words to express. Nothing means anything is everything is without him. “Some people want it all, But I don't want nothing at all, If it ain't you, baby, If I ain't got you, baby.”

That is the way I feel, every day and every time with the hope that soon, the pining and longing will be over, and we are together again.

[]

Beautiful Romantic Intimacy Attractive Nascent - V

A love nest in Jo’burg

The opportunity to meet in February was one I could not pass up. I arrived a day earlier than him and was at the airport to pick him up the next day with a sign, ‘Brian with an I’. It is likely our hearts were pounding unsure of what to expect of each other. Our only other meeting was at the bar and then for lunch. We had a lot of learning to do about each other.

This was a holiday of moments and experiences, fully laden with activity, mainly touristic. Then dinner at night. It afforded many ways of getting to know who we were, the pictures we took together began to look like this couple were made for each other. How that South Africa constitutionally recognises same-sex relationships meant we had liberties to be expressive and we used every opportunity to revel in it.

Much more than it seemed

It is likely that the 10 nights went so fast, but I never cancelled the plans for Easter, we had that pencilled in and an agenda that was filling up that little did I know that some of the arrangements he had in visiting Johannesburg at my behest were in fact, first-time experiences.

I commandeered the moments and activities, yet found in both the company and the companionship, someone I could converse with and relate to. We were becoming friends and lovers at the same time. Maybe I was thinking ahead of myself, but I felt there was a lot going on between him and me, not just platonic but quite involved. We were not going to make an apology for having become lovers.

It was 46 days to our next meet up in Johannesburg for Cape Town, whether I was counting down the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, or the minutes, there was no doubt in my heart and mind, I could not wait to see him again.

By My Side

[]

The thoughts fill me with pride,
To have you all by my side,
From the time we saw and eyed,
That we should walk in stride,
Us two facing storm and tide,
Even if some chose us to deride,
Knowing that in this we abide,
Quite well to be satisfied,
That we two have been unified,
As much we have identified,
A deep loving not terrified,
Our love in truth is clarified,
With a yearning most justified,
In our very long talk I tried,
To bring you clearly alongside,
Nothing I do would make me hide,
That we belong side by side,
Not to take you for a ride,
But hand in hand we are allied,
For the joy of living not denied,

We know for sure our hearts have cried,
To find someone to have beside,
If words were stronger than just implied,
With meaning and assurance amplified,
My love, you are most qualified,
My equal in whom I confide.

Cherishing the gift of precious moments

It’s the moments

I have learnt to cherish the moments, the moments I have been given, by grace, by fortitude, by opportunity, by circumstance or by fate. I reflect on some of the hard times in my life, in sickness or in literal penury and wonder at the upbringing and influences that have shaped the ability and face them and know that it is life, people live it and it would pass.

It informs my philosophy that we are people of stories, tales of the expected and unexpected woven into a tapestry of relatable things, people and places. Not fairy tales, but if any of the stories does develop that trajectory, I will not quibble.

In all, I never thought why this is happening to me until now, I simply thought, it is my life, it is my story and I hope it ends on a good note. I would speak to myself and comfort myself saying, ‘Akin, you’ll be fine.’

Catching the boat that left me behind

The Akin of my conscience is a very English pronunciation even when I upbraid myself for being foolish. It is a voice I can hear quite clearly in my wakefulness and sleep. I am always grateful for it is with me, journeying through life, witnessing things I would never have thought possible, as my life is been a litany of the impossible becoming living reality for me to experience and narrate.

On the why; it is has been, why am I who has better been an observer and cheerleader who has begun to have a personal story like those I have celebrated as some of the wonders and mysteries of life? Love was like a boat that had already sailed, leaving me at the port, I didn’t even bother waving frantically to alert anyone that I had been left behind. I stood at the port happy for those onboard and waving happy goodbyes to those embarking on a journey of discovery and adventure.

Out of nowhere, a yacht appeared, a skipper beckoned me on board and insisted I should be on that boat, I have a cabin and it would be in the company of the man of my dreams. I thought I was dreaming until the water splashed in my face and then the boat laid out a welcoming ceremony as I boarded and was prepared to feast at the captain’s table with my companion. My feet almost gave under me, when the stunner took my arm.

This is me

I have written much about the pursuit of happiness, not necessarily as a goal, but as one that in the course of living is part of what brings quality to life. This episode of life might be difficult for some to appreciate or understand, yet, some inclinations are borne of nature, how you deal with it might well be one of nurture or discovery.

I am not here to make excuses for who I am and what I know I have been from probably at the age of seven, I did not understand it, I many times tried to suppress it, it was long before I began to appreciate the need to embrace it, and with embracing it, I blossom in many aspects of life that would have suffered if I acted otherwise.

At this time, I have found that to live one’s truth is one of the greatest achievements of loving oneself, for which some may decide not to love or like you anymore. I guess it can be difficult to extricate oneself from the need to please others and by that live what they expect of you rather than you live your own individually unique and sometimes different life not aping the so-called norms.

Celebrating love

I am not ashamed of who I am, I am happy with who I am, I fell in love with someone, that someone happens to be a man, we feel the same about each other and hope to spend the rest of our lives together. I cannot apologise for what nature made me, I would make the best of it and celebrate my life in the truth of what I have found.

Blog - Thought Picnic: I know I do not need a cure for who I am

I was in South Africa for 9 days and we had a wonderful time, the memories are captured below.

Just a week ago, after bidding Brian farewell to his abode in Bulawayo, I was also preparing to board my flight back from Johannesburg. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzAO5snTMk/

Beyond Brian's sense of fun and good humour is a rather naughty streak, part of what makes him such great company. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzB44jnaKs/

Another day had us out to the Walter Sisulu National Botanical Gardens somewhere so far that the Uber driver might well have hit a jackpot. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzEFxFHyst/

Liliesleaf Farm, Rivonia was a trip down the lane of history that created the living legend of Nelson Mandela. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzG6q5Hls4/

Then I found a feature on my mobile phone camera. Holding down the snapshot button takes 20 successive pictures. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzPsFMndcE/

We were promised mountain views of Pretoria, Johannesburg and an amazing dam if we went up Magaliesberg Mountain by the cable car at Hartbeespoort. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzR-GtHSzH/

Amazing panoramic views from the Magaliesberg Mountain with signs pointing out places of significance and history. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzS4SmngYw/

Yes, we could even see Botswana from Magaliesberg Mountain, but the more interesting point is about the demonyms of Botswana. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzUAAJH_mI/

On our descent from Magaliesberg Mountain, Brian was again making many funny faces, all of which thrilled me to bits. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzVIudnENT/

Pouting, smirking, smiling, winking, teasing, dozing, the many beautiful faces of Brian. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzV6SvH0yR/

On our last full day out, we were in Pretoria where we met up with Brian's niece, he has fathered his nieces into adulthood when his sister passed on. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzXCqXnIBT/

Seashells, too many to give a name than to capture what you can see and then find time to study what you've seen. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzXg8bHv68/

I guess at this point I was both tired and bored, I had seen every kind of creature on God's own earth, imagined and real. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzYR4lnewk/

On the last night in South Africa, we decided to give the Nigerian restaurant a second chance at a first impression. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuzZH2PHY0h/

Every time we say goodbye

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Chances

Sometimes, we must take chances and when it comes to love, it is best not to lose those chances. That is what I did with the sudden break in activity that allowed for me to review other aspects of my life and wellbeing. Running a long-distance relationship is not easy at the best of time and we are left to make the most of whatever time we can have together as we arrange and plan for the future.

In this, I found the opportunity to combine business and leisure, I flew out to Johannesburg eleven days ago and met up with my partner who flew in from Bulawayo. The hours of conversation on WhatsApp and Skype seemed to prepare us for this as if we had been together all along.

Embraces

All the in-jokes livened up into a celebration of happiness and joy as we held hands, laughed, kissed, and hugged. In that we weaved 9 days of romance, doing wonderful things all around Johannesburg, communicating and enjoying the companionship we hope to make into a life together, somewhere.

As the days went by and the time for us to return to our respective abodes dawned upon us, we tried as much not to agonise at our pending separation but made the best of every moment we have had together until I had to see him off to the airport this morning.

Advances

At the departure gates, we said our goodbyes and damned the consequences of kissing in public. It was a wonderful time we had together, we are also looking forward to just under 7 weeks away when we meet up for almost 3 weeks of fun and adventure.

Every time we say goodbye, much as it looks like we die a little, maybe, I almost cried a little, we also live for the moments of when we would say hello again, embrace each other and plot that story of lives intertwined for the prospect of wonder, beauty, intrigue, hope, love and more.

Thank you, South Africa, for giving me this wonderful and lovely feeling I never knew I had the wherewithal to express with anyone for a long time.