Thought Picnic: Taking a sniff at the stalk

A stalker strikes again

There is a saying that could be haunting as it could be disturbing, but rather than consider the saying it is the thought of being stalked or watched without knowing that you have featured as a target in a sniper scope.

Without being confronted, you are affronted by an invasion seeking to upset and discombobulate, someone aims to remotely control your every move inducing a sense of paranoia and caution leaving you wondering whether you are safe from harm.

I have navigated many such stalking episodes over the years that go back decades and have had experiences of attempted blackmail, threat of exposure, or possible embarrassment. I have addressed many such occasions with the resolve that I will not allow myself to be compromised and become a pawn at the behest of some cowardly agent seeking to cause distress.

Scuppered by recalcitrance

Where I could have had an ally and supporter in these issues, there has been a blank refusal to share pertinent information to help terminate the ability of such nefarious persons to sow discord and distrust. It is their prerogative to decide what they think is best even after persuasive arguments have been made to suggest a united front against an unseen enemy against using such material to insinuate betrayal.

One thing I will not abide with is chicanery by those who should know better. I can be impulsive as much as I can be decisive. What seems a done deal can quite easily be cancelled, I will not stand for threat, innuendo, or inference. I am deeply invested, and I can also cut my losses.

The less said, the better

I suppose I will not be treated as an adult, as I am being confronted with the undertones of an allegation. In that case, I will not cower in the fear of dread of being found wanting because of some failings that could both be expressed in the propensity for a liaison without essentially acting on it. An alter ego can be an outlet for certain frustrations, it separates the real from the imagined.

Many emotions are difficult to express in the kind of directness and detail demanded, however, I will not address this elsewhere. To say I am annoyed is an understatement, when I choose to be silent over expressing my thoughts, I have decided to be foolish, dumb, defenceless, and incapable – it is sometimes the smartest thing to do. You never know, when the time is right, what was left unsaid will have more than any impact imaginable.

In a place of serenity

Above the fray

Much thought can be given to situations and circumstances around us for which we have little influence or control. Existing within these settings the only thing we have is how we react and handle the things presented our way, so our equilibrium is not upset to the point of throwing us off our perch.

The perch is an interesting illustration of stability, for out of the corner of my eye I saw what looked like a man perched on a branch just as an owl or an eagle might settle on the branch of a tree. Comfortable in their chosen space, surveying their surroundings with such awareness of safety, danger, advantage or invasion, looking like the hunted but well into the hunt.

Knowing the difference

The variance is in understanding how that perch serves you, you are visible and much as you are invisible. In the former, for those with intent and an obsession, a vulnerability exists for which a cloak of invisibility is but a wish that you have to have assured yourself of some invincibility through being unperturbed about dangers you cannot manage.

In the latter, the advantage you have is useful to the end that if you are after something, it is caught in your gaze and you can be as evasive enough not to be noticed by your quarry. That why from my lips, the Serenity Prayer proceeds, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Normal transmission resumes

No living rent-free in my head

To be honest, the thought that I was being stalked was unsettling and after a few contacts from Twitter and Grindr, one is left with no other option but to gather all the pieces of evidence pursuant to a criminal investigation. Whoever the person is might think they are playing games, but this can so seriously escalate and destroy them.

Obviously, to the extent that it affected me, I broke a few conventions, my daily blogging streak from the 5^th of March was broken on Saturday and I did not get to church on Sunday. However, I kept to walking, because it gave me time to think and recoup myself.

Walking to many places

For instance, I was thinking of announcing last Thursday that I had completed 21 consecutive days of walking at least 10,000 steps. The figures themselves are mind-boggling for a person of my sedentary and somewhat unbothered lifestyle.

In those 21 days, I had walked 394,293 steps and an average of 18,775 steps a day, to even think there were months I did not make that number. I also go myself a spare  Honor Band 5 tracker with charging docks because the battery does not last as long with Bluetooth and constant heart rate monitoring switched on.

Planning for that too

The good thing is, I can switch my tracking bands on my Huawei Health app and it starts monitoring from the other band. The next badge is 100 days of doing 10,000 steps a day. I am taking a day at a time. My sleeping pattern is improving, getting in more hours but not enough deep sleep continuity, it is work in progress.

The job presents interesting challenges that are instructive and exciting. In other important news, we are planning towards when the embargo on international travel is lifted and we can meet up in Cape Town. I have begun to make a travel list, soon is a timeframe that soon comes to pass.

The excuse of the life of a stalker

Stalking into swamps

It has come to my notice rather shockingly and unsettlingly that some people yet unknown have a preoccupation with not minding their own business. For one reason or another, a celebration of middle-aged gay love has infuriated them to the point that what circumstance and providence has brought together they are inclined to put asunder.

For me, it is of no consequence, I know the promises I have made and the commitments I intend to keep. My life is mine to live whilst those others who out of the misery in their own existence think they have the power to share that misery to upset the situation in others.

The life of a stalker is a curmudgeonly existence of dissatisfaction with their world as they try to project their miserable lives to find some vacuous fulfilment. The walk in the shadows and never in the light. As we ply the paved roads of solid and sturdy engineering, they stomp and sink in swamps infested with critters, snakes and disease. They are in the pain of heart and soul.

We have something

There is no doubt that we live in trying times, the pandemic has placed limitations and restrictions on things we would have liked to do, but that is temporary, the night can only last so long before that dawn despatches it into a forever eternity and the light, the warmth and the beauty is once again exposed to view.

I have a past, it is my story, my present has its struggles and uncertainties, my future is one of hope, expectation, promise and love that cannot be swayed. To the inconsequential busybodies whose happiness has for whatever reason been removed from them as far as the east is from the west, I sympathise, I can even empathise, but for all you are attempting to foment between Brian and I, you will fail so well to be an object of pity.

We will get married and show the world what we have, not just for that fact that it is a good thing, maybe in a small way there is someone out there plagued by identity and acceptance who would find realisation and purpose in living out their truly exuberant lives. We are not going away, get that straight and clear. Thank you.