Opinion: Now, a thought for Kenny Badmus' wife

On the one hand, praise

A couple of days ago, I celebrated the coming out of Kenny Badmus on both the matter of his sexuality and HIV status with the hope that his decision will give strength and encouragement to the many who suffer under the societal strictures of conformity and despair.

However, it was impossible for the matter to just end there, because there was one key guiding principle that I had to revisit after a bit of reflection and discussion, one of people who are hurt by the actions we take when we are faced with other difficult options we refuse to choose.

Kenny Badmus said he learnt this from his father: "Die for your own truth, even if it's unpopular, but don't harm others with it.” Indeed, I believe there is a very strong influence of this in his decision to accept who he is, but that lesson has come long after the damage has been done.

On the other hand, however

One cannot ignore the fact Kenny Badmus’ wife currently in the middle of an acrimonious marriage split is painted in a very bad light, even if she was culpable and responsible for the situation, according to Kenny Badmus’ side of the story, for continuing the relationship and contracting a marriage with the view of 'sexing' him into full heterosexuality.

What I did not read from his mea culpa was a clear sense of the personal responsibility he had knowing his sexuality, his condition and the fact that many might get hurt by his actions.

He in my view was a free moral agent, he had the choice not to woo the lady and end up proposing to her before it culminated in a marriage that lasted six years.

Think about her situation

One can only imagine the complexities and turmoil the lady would have faced when Kenny decided to begin a relationship and then she in turn became emotionally invested in that relationship and she was ready to give all and dare all in the hope that it would succeed.

Besides, one cannot begin to understand the whispering campaign that might have gone on behind her back within the Nigerian society, if at any time it was ever suggested that she was at fault for not being able to meet the full spectrum of the sexual needs of her partner.

I am coming very fast to the conclusion that the lady deserved better and a lot more from Kenny Badmus, that she is lashing out furiously in court seeking the full visitation of the anti-gay law on Kenny Badmus simply makes clear the utter sense of betrayal she feels about whatever intentions he had for her in the first instance and how he went through it all as if he had no will or say in the matter.

She, however, as Kenny Badmus gets on with his new life of renewed celebrity and acceptance, will have an uphill task of removing herself from the category of ‘damaged goods’ in a society where once-married and then this intrigue of sexuality and HIV status will always come to play, if she were to start a new relationship.

The harm done

Sadly, her trust in men will also be undermined, to what extent, one can never say. It might well be best to extricate herself from that society and community to build her life again in another country.

Kenny Badmus took his time to fulfil what he called societal pressures in getting married and in doing so, he did not really die for his own truth at that time. He took the popular choice of a society wedding and people have been harmed. Starting with his wife, then if there is any offspring, they are probably confused, his in-laws are probably scandalised, his family are probably embarrassed, friends who would have preferred discretion in association with him, his business, business associates, all have been harmed to some extent, from minimally to quite seriously.

Take some responsibility, man

Apart from the good of coming out, Kenny Badmus is no saint, not by a long hard mile, one must feel the most for his wife, she was never going to be able to compete for Kenny Badmus’ sexual satisfaction and I blame the fact that we have too conservative an understanding of sexuality and its expression in Nigeria. Sexuality is not just sex, it is a whole person, sex being part of the expression of sexuality.

Yet, there are many who have gone the Kenny Badmus way, their wives none the wiser that their men are on the down-low, many are going to get hurt eventually either in the secrecy that brings the unpalatable back to the matrimonial home or in the publicity that might end up destroying everyone involved.

We can make very hard choices and in the process save people from being harmed, I will submit that Kenny Badmus did not make that choice when he should have in the first place. He should share a larger part of the responsibility for the way things have turned out.

“Die for your own truth, even if it's unpopular, but don't harm others with it.”

Malawi: Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga are pardoned, but ...

A welcome pardon

I welcome the pardoning [1] of Steven Monjeza, 26, and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, 20, who were given 14-year jail terms after being convicted of gross indecency and unnatural acts in Malawi by President Bingu wa Mutharika.

This was announced during the visit of the Secretary-General Ban ki Moon of the United Nations who probably had this matter on the table for discussion along with other UN matters that he might have discussed with the President.

The President said, “These boys committed a crime against our culture, our religion and our laws, however, as the head of state I hereby pardon them and therefore ask for their immediate release with no conditions.”

Of culture, religion and laws

One might say that just because a majority follows a particular culture it could not be incumbent on the majority to impose with menace and aggression that culture on others who might not be so persuaded – on that point, the case against the young men was unfair.

We have to come to a point where the use of religion to abridge, abort or proscribe the beliefs or adherences of others must be frowned upon and condemned in the sternest terms, again, I am forced to drag up the ruling that presents that argument in the starkest possible words.

Lord Justice Laws said only a few weeks ago and that is the standard by which every society, community and people would be subjected to as our global village becomes smaller and every activity in the social realm receives global scrutiny.

The state’s thinking

“We do not live in a society where all the people share uniform religious beliefs. The precepts of any one religion – any belief system – cannot, by force of their religious origins, sound any louder in the general law than the precepts of any other. If they did, those out in the cold would be less than citizens and our constitution would be on the way to a theocracy, which is of necessity autocratic.”

“The law of a theocracy is dictated without option to the people, not made by their judges and governments. The individual conscience is free to accept such dictated law, but the state, if its people are to be free, has the burdensome duty of thinking for itself.”

In Malawi, it would appear that the state has thought for itself to have had the law that lead to that judgment imposed on the young men, but one does wonder if certain of our laws now pass the muster of respecting the rights of minorities, the different, the uncommon, the alternative and where they appear to do so, if respect also includes protection from menace meted out by people who have strong views against the liberal stance of living and letting live.

A guarantee of safety too?

This is the new chapter in the young men’s lives; having tasted with great opprobrium the almost martyrdom to a cause and a type of life or lifestyle we pretend does not exist in our midst, their release without conditions hopefully would not mean their release into the hands of the lynch mob.

The President’s humanitarian action would only be fully commendable if these young men can live in Malawi as free Malawians able to pursue their dreams and visions without sanction, discrimination or ill-will.

It is a big ask from a very conservative – and I use that word with reluctance – society, because in the true sense what passes for conservatism these days is really intolerance, bigotry, hatred and persecution of the right to free expression of self and the pursuit of happiness.

No prying on any life or lifestyle

I would that societies, cultures, countries or governments do not have to suffer the duress of global pressure to adopt a more liberal stance to accommodating minorities and difference, more so, the repeal of laws that deny the right to existence of minorities no matter the strength of feeling against such minorities has to be the best and correct direction for humanity and civilisation.

There is a public place for scrutiny and there is a private place for activities that have no victims where adults who have consented to entertain mature, meaningful, fulfilling and honourable lives – no state, no public, no religion, no culture, no tradition, no law or view should have the inalienable right to encroach on that private space for the sake of assuaging the sensibilities of the disgusted – Not in Malawi, not in Africa and not anywhere else where humanity has expression of life and purpose.

Source

[1] BBC News - Malawi pardons jailed gay couple

Other references

Malawi: Free Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga [akin.blog-city.com]

The case for State law over religious guidance [akin.blog-city.com]

Malawi: Free Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga

People like us

One should be outraged but it is with sadness that I read of the jailing of the Malawian gay couple [1] Steven Monjeza, 26, and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, 20, who are being punished for having dared to conduct a engagement to bless a committed relationship.

I am of the view that everyone should be entitled to the pursuit of happiness in whatever pairing of relationship or absence of partnership that suits them – to deny that happiness on the basis of some moral import that prejudges difference as an abomination is unfortunate at best and savage at worst.

Rather than clamour for justice, let us examine what the judge had to say. At first he said he wanted protect the public from “people like you” – You, probably meaning homosexuals or people in unusual relationships that decide to have an engagement signifying commitment.

People like you

The full statement he made was, “I will give you a scaring sentence so that the public be protected from people like you, so that we are not tempted to emulate this horrendous example.”

Then he said, "We are sitting here to represent the Malawi society, which I do not believe is ready at this point in time to see its sons getting married to other sons or conducting engagement ceremonies."

The mob that witnessed the judgment felt that the sentence was lenient but the facts of the matter are still too difficult for the people to face up to and accept.

Despite all the denials about there being homosexuals in Africa, the truth is homosexuality has been part of humanity ever before recorded history, it is neither Western, Eastern, African, Asian or tribal – it is a part of humanity - it is not alien to any culture, nation or race - it has always been part of every society until religious influences made indigenous traditions and differences from the "norm" inherently evil.

People like them

The other truth is whilst many Africans might not be bold enough to admit that they practice homosexuality there are quite a good many that profess to be bisexual or have entered the convenience of a public heterosexuality and a secretive homosexuality – a concept known as being on the down-low [2].

The sad aspect of this matter is the partners of these people either as wives or husbands who do not know that their beloved ones are loving rivals they cannot compete against on the side.

Enough studies have shown that engaging in heterosexual relationships does not create a permanent conversion from bisexuality or homosexuality – if that were a matter of basic choices, I am sure many would have rather adapted to the “norm” than be chastised for being different.

People like everyone

Here, we find that two young men have made the honest and bold choice not to live deceitful double-lives that could ruin the lives of partners and children alike but decided to celebrate their difference and in the process have been criminalised and penalised for it – it is both a shame and an injustice.

Rather than have the public protected from people like them, these people would go underground with their public and private lives whilst we all jolly on in denial and seemingly justifiable homophobia thinking the right has been done.

However, the most interesting part of the judge’s statement is that he recognises that the society is behind in the times, he opines that it is a matter of readiness and it calls on other people in the Malawian society who do not think their views are represented in this judgment to speak up and be spoken for.

People in love

For some, this engagement was before its time but the truth is same-sex relationship commitments would still take place in Malawi and every other corner of the world where hypocrisy, denial and homophobia appears to thrive – if loving and caring in a same-sex relationship be a crime greater than “loving”, abusing and battering in a heterosexual relationship we have our sense of justice wrong and our hypocrisy exposed with shame.

Free Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga today, they have wronged no one and committed no crimes, if we cannot tolerate difference then what gives each person a right, an identity and purpose in life is lost along with the basic sense of humanity.

Sources

[1] BBC News - Malawi gay couple get maximum sentence of 14 years

[2] Down-low (sexual slang) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia