Great British Railway Journeys - Series 3

The exciting things

I always want to be fascinated, amused, amazed and sometimes surprised by things I see, hear, read or experience, I am, I hope a sponge for knowledge and insight about things, whatever they might be.

History resonates with me, the way one can glean knowledge from all sorts of things like this afternoon, I found myself watching Michael Portillo’s presentation of the Great British Railway Journeys now on repeat on BBC 2, is just good tonic for the brain.

He was travelling from Great Yarmouth down the eastern seaboard of Anglia through Essex to London and in the process showing the linkages between his experiences and historical events using George Bradshaw’s Railway Companion published in the Victorian times as his travel guide.

History, geography and politics

In the third series filmed in 2012, the episodes 1 to 4 now available in BBC iPlayer, the history of the founding of the railways linked up with grave robbing [On YouTube] in Great Yarmouth along with a law - The Anatomy Act 1832 - that passed to allow the corpses of paupers to be used for anatomical research, then to the lost city of Dunwich which was at one time as large as London and the capital of the East Angles but all lost to sea - dubbed our own Atlantis.

He comes face-to-face with the skull of Simon de Sudbury – Archbishop of Canterbury and Lord Chancellor who introduced the Poll Tax in the 14^th Century and was beheaded for it by the Peasants' Revolt, a lesson of history that Margaret Thatcher did not seem to have learnt when she got Micheal Portillo to introduce the Poll Tax in the 1990s almost bringing down the government because of the Poll Tax Riots that followed the implementation.

History will repeat itself if we fail to learn the lessons it teaches studiously, thoroughly and with proper attention to situation and circumstance.

Places and events

Really fascinating stuff like visiting Waltham Cross which apparently derives its name from being one of the 12 night-time resting places of the body of Eleanor of Castile, the wife of Edward I when she was borne from Lincoln to London at Charing Cross – the king erected lavish stone crosses in all these towns in memory of her.

This all culminated in Hackney where we are told of the first railway murder – a city banker, Thomas Briggs was killed by Franz Muller, a German tailor – that did fill people with fear about travelling on trains.

Great and beautiful Britain and Northern Ireland

This was compelling stuff, I cannot wait to see the other episodes as they come online and I have seen many other episodes over the years that just give you the idea that England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are such beautiful and wonderful places to visit as you tease out snippets of history, legends and yarns from city, town and village alike, of people, industry, events and change – I love this stuff.

The official website for the Great British Railway Journeys can be found here – If you can playback BBC iPlayer content, then if you are as curious as I am, that would have been time well spent.

Nigeria: INEC Chairman Jega on BBC Africa Have Your Say

The INEC chairman airs his views

The chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) Professor Attahiru Jega was on the BBC Africa Have Your Say programme [1] on January 18, 2011 at 16:00 GMT to answer questions posed to him about the current electoral process which centres around the voter registration and other related issues.

He fielded a number of questions and answered to some satisfaction the critical matters affecting the registration process.

Quality kit deployed

He made it clear that the equipment was of the highest standard and not deficient in any way, he challenged us to review the tenders [2] of the equipment on the INEC website.

On the matter of power, he suggested all the kit were provided with two 10-hour capacity batteries that could be fully charged overnight at the area centres and this should not have been an issue today though in the previous days it is possible that these batteries were not fully charged before deployment.

The area centres are equipped with generators thereby fully addressing the power issues we are so well aware of in Nigeria.

All fingers or bust

My question on the legal status was first jumbled up with a whole range of statements that he cherry-picked his way with unrelated answers but another direct question about it nailed the issue.

On the matter of the fingerprint scanners, their default factory settings were calibrated for too high a sensitivity that patches have been sent out to all the 120,000 polling units to fix the problem.

He was categorical about the fingerprint issue stating Voter’s Registration cards issued without the fingerprint scans were grossly deficient.

He buttressed that point by saying “No Nigerian should allow themselves to be registered without the fingerprint capture.” In other words, that registration is both null and void and the registrant should return to the polling centre to be properly registered.

He did not give any ground on the matter of numbers of fingers, all 10 need to be in the system and since the fingerprint scanning process is working better, and it should not more be an issue.

He did say that all polling units should have facilities for washing hands and advised strongly against using methylated spirit to clean the surface of the scanning device.

No party but secure

Other matters he addressed were the fact that he is politically impartial and not a card carrying member of any party, he vouch for the professionalism of the state electoral commissioners over whatever partisan affiliation they might have.

There are security conferences and meetings taking place to ensure that electoral process is free of interference and those who attempt to subvert the process would be subjected to the full force of the law. In his words, impunity is a thing of the past.

He’ll be back

I cannot say after the exchanges I was fully convinced that that whole exercise would be successful, but the particular issues we were concerned about were addressed without equivocation and it is now left to Nigerians to go out and be registered, the whole system is beginning to work as it should.

There was no opportunity to address that matter of the denigration of the members of the youth corps who by all means deserver both an apology and encouragement from the chairman but I believe that would happen.

He has offered to return before the main elections in April for another conversation tuned to answering questions that hopefully will increase our confidence in the possibility of free and fair National elections in Nigeria in April 2011.

Many questions were posed on the hashtag #ASKINEC a commentary on the interview was on the hashtag #INECRegistration, the program was monitored on Twiitter with @BBCAfricaHYS and their Facebook group BBC Africa Have Your Say.

Sources

[1] BBC - Africa Have Your Say: What do you want to ask Nigeria's INEC chairman?

[2] News > INEC News >INEC signs contracts for DDC machines

Nigeria: Louis Theroux: Law and Disorder in Lagos - Review

This was first published at NigeriansTalk.Org

Law and Disorder in Lagos

Louis Theroux the documentary maker and social commentator was in Lagos, Nigeria and his subject was Law and Disorder in Lagos [1], shown on BBC2 on Sunday the 10^th of October 2010.

There had been announcements on the social networking forums so a good number of Nigerians were ready to view programme; I had set my digital video recorder to capture the hour in interesting insight into life in Lagos.

Getting the Context

After the first viewing, I scanned Twitter & Facebook to see the initial reactions to the show and they varied between people who seemed to understand the context of the documentary and those who thought Nigerians were again being portrayed in very bad light.

I decided to have a second viewing of the recorded programme, updated my notes and on the 3^rd viewing began writing this review.

A union and a task force

The first thing to understand about this programme is the context that Mr. Theroux is framing, this was about how Lagos polices itself looking at both sides of the law between the activities of the supposed area chieftains who are members of the National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW) and the paramilitary Task Force named the Kick Against Indiscipline (KAI) given the task of cleaning up Lagos.

The first local chieftain was an androgynous lady called Tawa who being the local chairman of her branch of the NURTW was a heavy of sorts who collected daily union dues from transport operators and illegal levies from shop keepers in the area who were press ganged into paying up or forced to suffer serious consequences by duress and possible violence.

Area boys on the loose

Whilst there might well be a valid case for the union activities in terms of transport workers and union dues, the case for extorting money from shop keepers could not be legally made, it was a protection racket.

These local chieftains had their authority and influence exerted through jobless, rowdy and raucous youths called “area boys” who all apparently bore surgical scars of violent assault that they all said were caused by accidents – they were menacing but considered tough and hence never to be challenged.

It appeared the local chieftains all seemed to have spokespersons that seemed to be quite articulate and oblivious of the sensitivity of their commentary or the daring comparisons they made with the Queen, the Pope or other Western countries.

The Big-man in Oshodi

MC the chieftain in Oshodi who was also the treasurer of the Lagos State NURTW seemed to be a wily political animal that had photo opportunities with various celebrities and even the state government.

His demeanour was that of ostentation and hedonism exemplified in the revelation that he bought his shoes from Milan and Naples in Italy. He seemed to be a benevolent absolute monarch over his entire exerting absolute control and having everyone genuflect in obeisance and fear of his reach and domineering influence.

His residence was the epitome of “bling” with no one questioning why a union boss or a treasurer at that should be doling out wads of cash with no discernable industry supporting the funds he seemed to have to hand out.

A denial too palpable

The menacing nature of these local chieftains who seemed aloof of the fray but with enough to instil fear in the populace was self-evident and the underlings all seemed to be ready for a fight with one of the guides conceding that they do not take stock of the loss of life in the event of violence.

This part of the disorder which had the “area boys” volatile and easily provoked that for each gathering there was some sudden unexplained fracas had MC maintain that “area boys” were neither hoodlums nor hooligans, they were boys in an area and they were not jobless.

The “area boys” themselves in their own words wanted jobs, peace and the ability to do something with their hands – I cannot say I saw any impetus by the chieftains or the government to provide opportunities to these youth, so the life of crime and the toleration of protection rackets thrives in Lagos, and that is the truth about the disorder.

Out to do law

The KAI Task Force were uniformed paramilitary personnel with the powers of arrest, the authority to demolish illegal structures built on state property, detain street traders and hawkers and to ensure that people adhered to the mandatory environmental sanitation cleaning exercise on the last Saturday of the month.

The KAI Task Force had apparently served notices on people in structures to be demolished but many seemed to ignore those notices until they were met with the desperate and heart-rending situation of moving their goods as the bulldozers moved in.

In some ways, the victims of these clear-outs might have been duped into thinking they were legal tenants of unscrupulous landlords and others were none the wiser as to what constituted a legal structure and the definition of legality seemed to be decided on the whim and exuberance of the KAI Task Force.

Inverted logic

Dreaded as the KAI Task Force were with the ability to call on armed reinforcements, the leader of the Task Force did show some mercy and compassion on arrested violators of the cleaning exercise who had children.

However, the logic around using the arrest of small fry violator street hawkers to get at the godfathers of the activities who could easily ignore their insignificant little troops whilst perpetrating their trade was a bit stretched.

The Task Force did not think it was their business to get to the bottom of the problem, as long as they took people off the street, they were duly enforcing the law of the land.

Culpability of the government

What came out of this documentary was how the government seemed to sanction the illegal and legal parts of maintaining a modicum of order in Lagos and the way they mollified the volatility of the “area boy” network by conferring some legitimacy on these “Mafia-like godfather” trade union executives whose remit continually crossed into illegal and violent conduct without the people being able to question their activities.

It did not appear that they were answerable to anyone and they were all hypocritically in denial of the obvious that the “area boys” were a menace, hoodlums, hooligans, jobless, violent and the basis of their areas of influence.

Law and disorder, it was

What this documentary exposed was a clear situation of order and chaos, law and disorder, and violence meted out with impunity and no recourse for justice.

Where a man seemed to question the activities of the “area boys” he was deemed crazy, but then this was not about the respectable who could see the illegalities but to highlight the underbelly of law enforcement outside the usual purview of the police whose cameo appearance in this documentary was quaffing down bottles of alcohol provided by – well, MC.

Sources

[1] BBC News - Law and disorder in Lagos

YouTube - Hard Law in Lagos-Nigeria BBC Documentary by Louis Theroux (Part 1 of 5) - TheInfoStrides.com This link is courtesy of a tweet by @nkemifejika but with Finnish sub-titles.

For those not in Britain who couldn't catch Law and Disorder in Lagos, here's a shaky version on YouTube. http://bit.ly/9VaX7g

Way past the day of the jackal

The dogs of war

Whilst his books are a riveting read, I cannot say that Frederick Forsyth [1] is a likeable person by any stretch of the imagination.

However, that is beside the point, by happenstance during one of his researching escapades for material he was in Guinea-Bissau in 2009 [2] just when a violent coup d’etat was being played out.

For most of what has appeared in his many books, Mr. Forsyth is a fundamental security risk to many governments and institution that it was too difficult to consider his presence in Guinea-Bissau at that particular time to have been a mere coincidence.

Mr. Forsyth has been known to dabble in attempted forced regime change in Africa before, his repentance was suspect.

The veteran

For a man meticulous in detail to a fault in his plots and intrigues, it was interesting to learn that he was still quite “old-school” when it comes to technology that he neither uses a mobile phone nor computer.

Upon his “learning” of the events in Guinea-Bissau, he had to borrow a phone and dictate 1,000 words of copy, though it is not clear if this was to his wife or to the Daily Express, a newspaper in the UK that he writes for.

Except if he were speaking in Shibboleths and codes, it is possible that interested parties could have eavesdropped on his conversation and for their own ends.

One would thing a person of his stature would have moved with the times and probably had a computer and a mobile phone both with encryption and some sort of scrambling device.

The day of the jackal

In a Hardtalk interview [3] with the BBC, Mr. Forsyth accuses US spies of attacking his wife’s computer just around that time though he has no forensic evidence to provide of that claim apart from presumably informed sources he calls ‘friends in low places’.

It brings to mind the recently screened episodes of Sherlock [4] on the BBC which carried the deductive and investigative acumen and partnership Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson into contemporary times from the late Victorian times with finesse.

Many would agree that ideas need to evolve with the times to find new applications with newer tools rather than be fossilised in period settings good for nostalgia and historical analysis, it would appear that Mr. Forsyth from the reading of the articles has forgotten that the day of the jackal is over and he should be dealing with a new protocol of modern times.

Sources

[1] Frederick Forsyth - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[2] BBC NEWS | Africa | Author stumbles on G-Bissau drama

[3] BBC News - Hardtalk - Frederick Forsyth: 'US spies attacked my wife's laptop'

[4] BBC - BBC One Programmes - Sherlock

Nigeria: Storyville: The New Kings of Nigeria

This blog was first published at NigeriansTalk.Org, please leave your views and comments there.

About Nigeria with a pinch of salt

When documentaries are advertised about some aspect of Nigerian life one now tends to take everything with a pinch of salt.

If anything, the titles count for nothing, the expectations the titles invite are usually never anywhere near the reality of what gets shown – in the end, one has to stretch ones imagination to match the intentions with the purpose; objective scrutiny usually ends up as a parody.

This was the feeling that greeted the showing by BBC Four of Storyville: The New Kings of Nigeria [1], which was apparently about the brain gain of Nigerian returnees from the West with the ability to make a difference back home.

Media generation not royalty

At the beginning of the programme, it became clear from the narrator that this was really about “the changing face of Nigeria’s media generation.”

The protagonist was Walter, a great grandson of King Jaja of Opobo [2], a slave in the 19^th Century who became king of his people in Niger Delta area of Nigeria, was captured and exiled by the British, never to return alive to his land because of how powerful he had become.

One can suppose the idea of king came from this relationship rather than king in any real sense of the word. Walter, a public-school educated man from England with a passable English accent had returned to Nigeria after what could not be termed a sterling career in England but with the braggadocio of some foreign expertise to command attention and meet up with opportunities more easily.

The voice of a chancer

He lived with his sister in a fortress-like barricaded building and offered all sorts of platitudes about the hustle of life and livelihood in Nigeria, in many ways meeting up with the sharp ends of skulduggery and people trying to take advantage of so-called newcomers.

He landed his first job as the voice of “Big Brother Nigeria” and then moved into producing and directing reality shows and music videos – at every point, he appeared to pull it off but he never really had the gravitas of being king of his entire in terms of what he did, even though he had lots of words to describe any situation he found himself in.

What this documentary revealed was not so much the resourcefulness and acumen that belied the Welcome to Lagos documentaries but a way of life of the privileged who took things for granted and were ready to mete punishment or retribution out to those who dared challenge the status quo.

No mass opportunity in reality shows

There was no royal aspect to this show, no people being lead or vision being conveyed, rather, cut-outs to The Apprentice Nigeria, Koko Mansion, the popular musician D’Banj and a football talent hunt brought the prospect of great opportunity to the few rather than the many – all these reality shows just plucked individuals from obscurity into stardom and the cachet that it meant in Nigeria.

At the end of the hour, this was a simple favour to Walter, résumé fodder accompanied with references from different people who in one way were burnishing Walter’s ancestral claim with a contemporaneous inclination of expecting Walter to become the “King Jaja” of the 21^st Century; he did not present any such innate ability.

In fact, the classroom references to the story of King Jaja of Opobo was a distraction from the goal of Walter being able to say he appeared on the BBC and you can only wonder how many doors that might open in Nigeria, West Africa and Africa at large.

Public school favours

No, I was not impressed at all, this is not one would expect of kings or of people who really have been successful in the West and have returned to Nigeria to make a difference. If any watcher were persuaded of the opportunities to boss around people as one would not be able to do in the West, it is not entirely that easy and humble-pie is coming fast to your face.

Walter has Elizabeth Stopford the director of this show to thank for this chicanery masquerading as enlightenment, but never say a public school education does not give you undue access to opportunities hard to get by merit.

For a title, it would have been better advertised as “Walter needs a job” and wants VIP access to the big parties and social circles in Nigeria; ambition which does not depict the reserve and comportment of public school progeny, he needs to hear the clink of many kobos before he can cling to being any kind of king .

This was not about Nigeria, it was about an individual many of us in Diaspora would be quite loath to imitate in an fashion, view or mind-set.

As usual Nigeria Curiosity has obtained access to the YouTube version of the show [3], watch and well, make up your mind about it. Thank you Solomon Sydelle.

Sources

[1] BBC - BBC Four Programmes - Storyville, 2009-2010, The New Kings of Nigeria

[2] King Jaja of Opobo

[3] Watch BBC's 'New Kings Of Nigeria' (Video) ~ Nigerian Curiosity

Other reviews

How I laughed whilst googling my great great grandfather – King Jaja : Black Looks

naijablog: The New Kings of Nigeria

Nigeria: Yar'Adua interview a hoax?

Developing news

Apparently, in the scramble to maintain the charade about the President of Nigeria, he granted an interview to the BBC [1] by telephone where these words seem to have been spoken.

“At the moment I am undergoing treatment, and I'm getting better from the treatment. I hope that very soon there will be tremendous progress, which will allow me to get back home, I wish, at this stage, to thank all Nigerians for their prayers for my good health, and for their prayers for the nation.”

A recording NOT an interview

I am sorry to say that this does not convince anyone that the president is alive or that it was not recorded before he fell ill and then played back from a recorder – this was a monologue, not an interview.

Nigerians would only be pleased to see and hear their president on television with proof that it screening was done on the same day it was shown.

At the tail end of the recording it appears the President is wishing the Nigerian football team success in Angola at the current African Cup of Nations competition which seems quite apt but then, I have been wishing Nigeria success since they qualified for the competition long ago and the draw with Egypt had been known for quite a while.

Just put him on television

I would not put it past the Machiavellian inclinations of his cabal of helpers to have schemed this all along since they even were not sure how long he would be away. A number of recordings that pick on seminal events that they already knew will take place and release the recordings as phone monologues sounding hollow to prove a point that I am afraid it does not prove.

Radio and telephone is not enough, no Nigerian should be bought by this, it has all the hallmarks of deception and his handlers have yet to come up with incontrovertible evidence and proof of his still being around to conduct any affairs to try an rope in the reputation of the BBC in such a despicable attempt at proving the imponderable is just plainly atrocious.

I will go as far as call this so-called interview a hoax, that hopefully would be exposed very soon, if not, that they should provide better proof and debunk my claim after which I would definitely eat humble pie.

The basic demand is – Put Yar’Adua on screen today! [2] Nothing less would suffice, once that is done and properly authenticated, we can get on with our business praying for his speedy recovery.

Sources

[1] BBC News - Nigeria's ailing President Yar'Adua breaks silence

[2] Nigeria: Put Yar'Adua on screen today! [akin.blog-city.com]

Radio tramp speaks trash

Seeing black in the dark

I am quite amused by the fuss being made of over Sarah Kennedy, a BBC Radio 2 presenter who is typically a housewife-type crude humorist who has to do working-class wake-up hours to present her daily show between 6:00AM and 7:30AM.

Apparently, she said of ethnic minority Members of Parliament; she could not spot a black man in a dark street till he opened his mouth.

The BBC advertises her show thus: Sarah presents the show for all Dawn Patrollers. Get news, views and music, plus the morning papers, travel, Pause for Thought and the studio webcam.

Now, for someone who has a public forum as she has, that she is lovingly referred to as “That Bloody Woman” by her fans, one would expect that the “Pause for Thought” element would give the programme an intelligent leaning, but that would be asking for too much in her case; a racial slur is sometimes needed to spice up an otherwise rotten show.

I do worry, that there are many of a feeble sensibility who would take umbrage at her somewhat offensive drivel and I sympathise.

Not 12 years ago, I visited the little sandwich shop that served the office areas in Ipswich and as I walked in, the lady threw that same quip at me; I responded, with all the killings and muggings going on, she would appear a bigger target and I would keep my mouth shut when I should be calling for help to save her.

She never expected that response, though she felt I would grin and bear it as opposed to my other colleague who took extreme offence at that expression, the day before.

It might have been a racist comment, possibly unintended, but it was ill-advised and not very smart – as for Sarah Kennedy, I would not have heard of the silly girl if she had not courted controversy and the newspapers had not devoted excessive newsprint inches to her notoriety.

I expect she would be sanctioned with the clamour now surrounding her programme and the body blows that the BBC has been receiving quite recently – you can be anything you want to be, but consider the responsibility that comes with whatever you become and use it for the good.

As for blacks, the positive side to this is we are safe in our skins and quite visible when we need to be.

The lion is the jewel - Wole Soyinka

The man over the boy

The contrast cannot have been any clearer as to see the HardTalk interview of the 1986 Literature Nobel Laureate; Professor Wole Soyinka by Stephen Sackur this morning putting the ordinary and lack-lustre Chief Ojo Maduekwe - the Foreign Minister of Nigeria in the shade.

It would contemptible to offer to compare these two personalities, but I was both pleased, impressed and proud to hear Wole Soyinka address the issue of his vocation and activism in relation to the politics of Africa.

It was also interesting that Wole Soyinka was not interviewed as a playwright on the sister programme HardTalk Extra, but on the substantive HardTalk programme with a live audience in Lagos that applauded at the end of the interview.

Nigeria is not a democracy

The Professor rubbished the context of Nigerian democracy highlighting the fact that the elections were seriously flawed and democratic institutions had been undermined by the executive in the tenure of the last President.

He was disgusted by the fact that political thuggery found expression and patronage from the ruling “democrats” but lauded the fact that despite repression and dictatorial tendencies the freedom of the press has been sacrosanct; maybe in another forum he can address the issue of quality.

Many would agree that it takes a special kind of temperament to get involved in Nigerian politics, even my foray into student union politics has taught me too much already – the Professor contented that he had a bigger forum with his work, writing and expression than to be subsumed into what is essentially a quagmire.

Complacency in Nigeria

He talked of his membership of a forum that is concerned about a creeping complacency and resignation to issues that have been abused in the country, especially that of the electoral process.

The fear is that many have placed their optimism for resolution in the future without really addressing the problems now. Another point he mentioned was that Nigeria is becoming a powder-keg ready to go off as people realise how resources are plundered to the detriment of others. The example he gave of shared poverty being a shared prosperity in Tanzania was quite an insight.

We should remember that the day before, the views of Wole Soyinka about the political situation were discounted by the Nigerian Foreign Minister, but it was Wole Soyinka that was invited by the US Congress to testify on the matters of the election.

A conflagration about to consume

In the end, the Professor is not advocating violence, his struggle is to bring the complete democratic process into all facets of life; but he also sees where resentment might eventually flare up into an unmanageable situation – our leaders need to take note of the fact that the people would only allow themselves to be taken for fools for so long after which, nobody knows what might really happen.

This interview was part of the BBC “Why Democracy?” season, it is a question that needs to be answered because like the Professor said, at independence, there was an aspiration and vision to bring radical change to Africa, all of which has floundered in the depictions that emanate from Sudan and Zimbabwe as the worst cases of egregious abuse of power in Africa.

Playing by the rules

Nigeria however finds itself in a situation where the rulers abuse the rules and processes with impunity and hubris, but we who seek justice and fair-play have to use the democratic rules of due process, the respect of the rule of law and an assuredly independent judiciary – impartial in its analysis, fearless in its judgements and courageous in debunking megalomaniac potentates.

From that point, Wole Soyinka represents a beacon of hope for Nigeria, he may never vie for President but he is a worthy president and representative of the hope and aspirations for a better governed and equitable Nigeria - He is the lion and the jewel [The Lion and the Jewel (1963) is one of Professor Wole Soyinka's best known plays] stating how precious democracy is to the real development of Nigeria.

It also means that those in power today might still be deprived of the mandate to rule if the electoral tribunal elects to invalidate the flawed elections of April 2007.

The interview (Real Media file, you can obtain RealAlternative [Link to executable] to play this back in Windows Media Player).

Lilibet is twice not amused

Those one time subjects

Having decided to grace America with one's regal presence, these one time subjects of the realm were keen on commemorating the state visit.

One does ones sittings over a few weeks as ones diary permits, the quiet and deference, one is accustomed to but exception is made of precocious modern tattle when people lacking breeding deign to speak out of turn.

As Queen, regaled in the robes of The Most Noble Order of the Garter with ones regal diadem, one cannot be amused that the grandeur of the occasion is held in contempt by the painter - they call them photographers, nowadays - that one should remove ones diadem; To the Tower, her head on a charger without respite - that would have been her portion in the days of the First.

"I'm not changing anything. I've had enough dressing like this, thank you very much." Indeed Lilibet, one would not be ordered around by ones who have to carry their tools.

Twice not amused

The town-criers (BBC) whose charter bears ones seal have regaled to the people that one was too unimpressed to countenance a sitting after such effrontery.

No discretion can be expected of the many of the uncouth subjects that swoon in ones presence and prattle every word with the discourtesy of dissimulation - seize their charter give to the corgis.

And rightly so, one is twice not amused when events are chronicled in the wrong order to reflect badly on the crown as the painter asks for the crown to be dismounted from the royal head by ones regal hands.

One cannot recall the words, looking at the Lady-in-waiting - "Less dressy? What do you think this is?", you said, Ma'am". They used to be of royal lineage to four generations before they entered the courts. Patrick was such good company and now so sorely missed.

The painter shall not return to the realm and the town-crier's apology? Send the blacksmith (Director-General of the BBC) to the Tower till yuletide.

For Alan Johnston

We are gathered

The subtlety of the way our secular world pervades all aspects of life could not have been more poignant than when the colleagues, friends and well-wishers of Alan Johnston - the BBC journalist captured in Gaza 3 weeks ago - gathered outside Bush House (Home of the BBC World Service) in London to demonstrate, protest, support and call for the release of their friend.

The head of BBC Journalism addressed the crowd highlighting other people who had joined in support to demand his release.

Then his entreated everyone to join in a minute of silence for Alan Johnston and his family.

A switch went off in me; I thought minutes of silence were for recognition, remembrance or memory of those who had crossed to the great beyond.

This is not to suggest that some other party amongst the clamour knows more about the welfare of Mr. Johnston than we all know, but I more expected either a moment of silent prayer or even having a priest leading people in some short devotion of supplication.

I do believe in the efficacy of prayer driven by faith, the significance of a moment of silence in seeking the release of a hostage does leave me a bit befuddled and definitely not convinced that this show would lead to much - a gesture it was, but it can be argued, it was quite empty.

However, I do add my voice to the call to release Mr. Johnston, unconditionally and forthwith - this man provides a perspective of the Palestinian situation that we rarely get to see or understand, the captors are doing their cause no good at all.

Talk, grunt and say Hello!

More talk all talk

One programme I always pause to watch is the HardTalk series on BBCWorld where guests are interviewed having to address tough questions by seemingly fearless hosts. However, there are the lighter versions which are HardTalk Extra for famous people not involved in politics and ExtraTime for sports personalities.

In the last week, I had the opportunity to see one with Martina Navratilova and another with Leslie Phillips, people I do admire in some sort of way.

Blunt the grunt

In the case of Martina (unfavourably referred to as Navrati-leave her alone by some unfriendly characters), I finally understood what she meant when her complained in the 90s that Monica Seles was squealing like a stuffed pig, referring to her grunting.

That created something of a muffled laugh, but I thought it was a disgruntled comment, fair as it was.

However, when you also hear the American with a Russian background – Maria Sharapova grunt as she anticipates hitting the ball you begin to wonder, does it really require that much effort, barely do you see the men produce that much noise and they definitely hit harder.

So Martina explained that, the grunts muffled the sound of the tennis ball hitting the opponent’s racquet and sometimes the sound of it hitting the floor of the court or the net cord, this means one can only anticipate the ball by sight through flight rather than the added benefit of sound.

Sight, depth and perception

I remember I was never good at tennis, I just could not hit the ball, but it was not till later in life that I understood the reason. This was not much to do with my hearing, though that only really improved in my teens; it was because I had astigmatism in the left eye which meant I would not judge distance and speed.

It affects me so much that I never cross roads with fast moving vehicles except when traffic lights give me right-of-way or the driver acknowledges my intentions. Only a few days ago, people calmly crossed a dual-carriageway and when I followed, I became quite anxious as a car approached at speed, it was probably safe, but my brain could not use the information it was getting about the proximity of the vehicle.

It could be frustrating, but I am a patient man when it comes to crossing roads, my legs are not insured, and neither do I want to put them through the stress test of breakability.

As for the grunting in tennis, a decibel meter with warnings and points deductions might just help curtail those Neanderthal tendencies and make the game more fun, I also want to hear the ball being hit when watching on television.

Hellooo and bless

The interview with Leslie Philips was quite light hearted, known for playing seemingly gentlemanly roles with a lecherous affectation, he has been acting for about 70 years and does look really well at 82.

His trademark Hello! Or DingDong! Just have that sense of double entendre that was clean and so tongue-in-cheek about the Ealing Comedies, the Carry On series and Doctor.

Only Leslie Phillips can make Hello mean, what are you doing tonight, darling? A chat-up line, that can almost never be read as sexual harassment.

It would appear, his depiction of doctors might have lead to some people taking on that career on the premise that it would get them to meet sexy nurses besides doing the jobs of catering to people’s health – probably, the reason the NHS is what it has become.

However, for me, the line that stands out most was at the end of the film Saving Grace where having played the vicar and knowingly observed the growing of marijuana in first the churchyard and then with one of the parishioners, his reply to the question from the press – Bless! [Eyes rolled up looking up to heaven] – For me, that was a classic.

References

Navratilova wants ban on grunting

TIME.com: Stop That Grunt! -- Jul 13, 1992

Fine headlines and rotten information

The News Junkie gets a fix

Nothing annoys me more than to read the news and find that it adds the suspense of some detail that never gets revealed. The reporters might be very seasoned journalists but if any topic is introduced, it should be properly covered.

When on holiday, I have to check news sources mainly from the BBC and the expatriate English news of the Netherlands. Sometimes I venture further afield with the World News and CNN, usually if what I have read has not provided much stimulation.

My best friend once called me a news junkie, maybe I am.

I am not planning to change the world, but I like to know what is happening because all sorts of information, news, events and detail have ways of impacting on you and not necessarily for profit.

I have also once commented that I do not really want to be the 'first to know', but then I want to know what could be relevant to my situation.

Nowadays, a situation halfway across the globe can have far reaching effects locally, like war, disaster, unsettled markets, imports and exports along with political issues.

If one cannot prevent at least one knows and can prepare for eventualities.

So, on BBC News, I surf the general location based stories, look at business, entertainment and then sport.

Sometimes there is a big caption that one can click on from the main page.

I usually follow, tennis, football generally, snooker and then events that are newsworthy.

Following the headline

So, I read on the homepage Racing: Dettori wins richest race, Yippee! I click on the link and I am given the title Electrocutionist takes Dubai Win - So, now we know the man, the name of the horse and it is in Dubai. Aha! I have seen adverts about the Dubai World Cup - Click!

I read through the whole copy, it is Dettori's second win, it was trained by Godophin, some other races had winners and all that trivia about six-legged races. Fine, the page has to contain something, reporting from Dubai does not come cheap.

Nowhere in all that copy do I find the prize. Come on! We've been told it is the richest race, that will excite anybody's curiosity - How much?

Then I clicked on the Dubai World Cup link on that page, and I tell you if it were in a horse race, it would have come home the next day - I did not get the information we were sold in the byline of the news we were presented with in the first place.

For now, I cannot be bothered to find out what the prize was, but you can understand, I am quite noticeably irked.