Thought Picnic: Eating flesh twice forbidden

Harking back in time

This is a story that seems to draw many laughs, yet it is the narration of one of my many experiences of racial abuse countered with the good fortune of a quick wit. I am sure I have relayed this on one of my previous blogs, but it finds some interesting resonance today.

I was in a bookshop on the concourse of Amsterdam Central Station when a brief encounter looking like a disagreement of sorts ensued. I have no idea how it started, but this man was soon spewing out expletives at me that my only response to him was to say, I do not speak like that.

In retort, he said, he would speak anyway he wants to, which was his prerogative, not that I cared much for it until he said, “A hundred years ago, I would have shot you.” Strangely, I was not shocked because we were not in that time of the past that he desired. However, my response just as he finished, “Two hundred years ago, I would have eaten you.” He did not have a reaction to that.

The natives as creatives

Indeed, the white man did bound around Africa and some uncharted regions of the world where some encounters revealed the magic of gunfire and for others who never returned, cannibalism did not have the strangeness it has today. A large cauldron, some excited drumming, and the natives were chewing the delicacy of rare meat not deemed untouchable as to be deified.

I cannot vouch for what my ancestors would have done long before my time. Still, as far back as we can trace the history, a good few were progressive and this fed the inclination of my near ancestors to seek knowledge, education, emancipation, and much more. I am a product of their tenacity and survival against all odds.

Heads are not that sweet

You may then wonder why I started this blog with the story told earlier. In the last few days, I have had conversations where I have been deemed blunt, frank, cruel, unforgiving, or even grumpy. Usually, someone would suggest I got off on the wrong side of my bed and when I suggested I only had one side to get off on, they implied I was climbing up the wall first.

In another situation, it would be me biting off their heads, as if I had travelled back in time for a stint in substituting brains for cauliflower cheese. Even I started wondering what could be in their heads that could be tastier than what I normally cook?

It speaks to my strong constitution that I have not reached to retch in a sickbag already. I could almost regret my riposte because people might well believe I have been picking my teeth with the finely honed bones of an Englishman and well, my crockery is of the finest bone without having to get to China.

For all my civilised mien, I was only trying to stop one heinous act with the benevolent sharing a catch, is that not what community is all about?

Do Africans still live on trees?

After dinner mouth not mint

I stepped out of the restaurant with a good friend after a beautiful Japanese meal last night, though I must say the Chinese have found better ways of packaging their cuisine for international tastes except for sushi and sashimi which is more about being trendy than having tasty food - my opinion.

However, before I could be distracted from the cool restaurant atmosphere I was overwhelmed with a barrage of abuse, bitter in content and caustic in utter disdain for Africans, supposedly, this almost haggard looking man thought I was African, which in fact I am.

He railed with contempt and almost choked on his hatred, but I ignored him as what came to my hearing was overt, nasty and unspeakable racial abuse; that was from a fellow black man.

Covert or overt

Indeed, I must confess that in Europe, I have had more overt racial abuse or show of racial disdain from people of my colour than I have had from other races; it is instructively eye-opening.

One must also say, that the kind of racial disapproval I have received from the “so-called”, indigenes of Europe has been covert, usually made in jest to the extent that one is supposed to grin and bear it no matter how hurtful they have been.

I have learnt that the best way to deal with this sort of stuff is to have a quick wit, it is educational and effective, I give real life examples of conversations I have had when some smart chap has tried to be too funny for my liking.

Cannibals cannot be shot

[In the midst of a disagreement coming to a point of parting]

Stranger: 100 years ago, I would have shot you.

Moi: 200 years ago, I would have eaten you.

{Conversation ends as stranger realises he has been trumped}

Taking him to the cleaners

[Cocky Englishman tries to be politely rude]

Englishman: Hey Akin, the guy you borrowed your suit from is asking for it.

{I see he has envelopes on him, so pointing to the envelopes, I say}

Moi: I see you’ve got a delivery service, would you take it back?

{Never again heard that kind of silliness from him after that encounter}

I pay your welfare

[Someone down on his luck tries to take it out on me]

Stranger: You black people come to our country for welfare.

Moi: I will tell you this much, I probably pay more taxes than you earn in a year (Compared to the national average where I live, I do); and that goes into your government to have idiots like you talk to me like that.

{Stranger is quite scolded beyond belief, walks away without mouthing another word}

An arboreal feeling of monarchies

[Smart Swedish man trying to make conversation]

Swede: Do Africans still live on trees?

Moi: Yes indeed we still do, in fact, when King Carl XVI Gustaf visited Nigeria; we put him on the highest tree and fed him bananas.

{Smart Swede does not look so smart anymore as his face drops in astonishment, he apologises for being so nasty.}

Postscript: Basically, he had insulted Africans and in the process made me call his revered king a monkey – cuts both ways. More so, he did not know that King Carl had really never visited Nigeria.

Mouse and snake chase

Like one of our legendary Nigerian musicians would say, if someone chases a mouse after you and you in turn chase a snake after them; fair cop.

In my own way, education in such terms is direct, effective and frank, those people would always think twice before they go shooting off such unforgivable hatreds masquerading as making decent and polite conversation.