Junk the funk

Gloom Over Bloom

The number of times I have written about the joy of living and the pursuit of happiness would suggest to some that I never experience periods of funk, where dark clouds loom as harbingers of the rains of depression.

Like a cloud, it creeps up on you from a height where things might not seem discernible until the cool of the shadow hits your skin, the direct impact of sunrays abruptly taken from sight. As you look up, you hope the cloud is moving and that soon the sunrays will return, but you can never predetermine how large a cloud might be.

Depending on the weather of life, the cloud might linger for longer than is comfortable for the soul and body; it begins to affect your spirit. This is where you need a lift.

Count My Blessings

It was in the shower this morning (and a lot of interesting contemplation happens under a showerhead) that I realised I seem to have lost that lovely feeling, a kind of lethargy where the desire to do anything is lost. Plans percolate in the mind but never reach an execution stage, with procrastination unwittingly taking the fore and control.

There are many things I have had the intent to do but cannot seem to be bothered with, apart from feeling swamped by the underachievement or the lack of it. The inability to produce is like an infirmity.

I began to think of how to get out of this rut: by cultivating a spirit of thankfulness, getting out to do something even though I do not feel that sociable, then reflecting on what things I have wanted done. Moreover, I should stop thinking in terms of the means but rather the opportunity to do.

My Lenten vision beyond temptation to triumph

By the Spirit of God

As this Lenten season according to church tradition begins tomorrow on Ash Wednesday, I have been thinking about what spiritual growth I seek to achieve. There are many struggles and situations I find myself in that challenge my discipline and resolve, understanding how to triumph is a walk of faith and “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,” says the LORD Almighty. [Bible Hub: Zechariah 4:6]

Yet, we think that by mental capacity and fortitude, the force of determination and discipline, we can totally overcome the vagaries of humanity to which we are too susceptible in habits, desires, temptations, and tests. There is a reason why the phrase, “Lead us not into temptation,” exists in the Lord’s prayer. Temptation is more than a lure; it feeds on our natural instinct to yield and fall into it. There is always a way out, but we rarely find it.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. [Bible Hub: 1 Corinthians 10:13]

Bible Versions, so many

In view of how temptation seems to wield such influence over us, I have decided to revisit the temptation of Jesus Christ, not in what He was tempted of, but in how He responded to each temptation. Those red letters in the gospels have drawn my focus to a new understanding of what is possible.

While I have developed a preference for listening to and reading the New Living Translation (NLT), the traditions in which I was taught and how I remember verses are in the King James Version (KJV). However, when I share single verses, I offer links to over 30 English translations covering the modern, classic, literal and other versions, to give context and understanding in the different modes of English we use.

Temptations abound, but we can win

Apostle John talks of the ways in which temptations take hold of us, in each of which Jesus was tempted too. “For we have not a high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our weaknesses; but was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin.” [Bible Hub: Hebrew 4:15]

The apostle lists out the fundamentals of temptation and how they are all not of God.

“For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.” [NLT]

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.” [KJV] [Bible Hub: 1 John 2:16]

The lust of the flesh

To the first temptation of turning stones to bread to feed his hunger after a 40 day fast, Jesus answered the devil and said, “It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” [Bible Hub: Matthew 4:4]

I find in this the need to immerse myself and feed on the Word of God for strength and sustenance. This always transforms my thought processes and guides me in places where I need inspiration, insight, peace, and resolution.

The lust of the eyes

When the devil took Jesus to the pinnacle of the temple and asked dared him to jump because angels will bare him up, lest he dash his foot against a stone, the devil was quoting from Psalm 91:11-12, though inaccurately, Jesus said unto him, “It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.” [Bible Hub: Matthew 4:7]

Understanding God’s word better would give one an understanding of God’s will, what He would do, and what He does not do. God is not into the sensational or theatrical displays for entertainment, feeding our egos or lusts, but for bringing men into the kingdom of God.

The pride of life

Finally, the devil chose to tempt Jesus with giving him the world he came to die for by suspecting he could have the world just by falling and worshipping the devil. The same devil and the works of the devil; he came to earth to condemn and destroy. Then saith Jesus unto him, “Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.” [Bible Hub: Matthew 4:10]

Temptation always offers a shortcut to pleasure and attainment, but never by the right and just means. We could be easily drawn away with pride and that sense we could do things alone without anyone’s help or the discovery of how we have achieved success by suspicious means.

Stoicism and strength in faith can only come from trusting in God, feeding on His word and seeking only to do His will with the power of the Holy Spirit in us.

This is my Lenten vision and my greatest desire to live and love this way. Have a wonderful Shrove Tuesday. Now to find a Lenten prayer group for study and devotion.

Thought Picnic: On refusing to be defined by cancer

Like an impatient patient

I became a cancer patient long before I had the option to consent because every cancer diagnosis in the UK gets put on what is essentially a national cancer registry. I was informed only as a matter of courtesy that this had been done. I would think it was weeks before I had a conversation with the consultant, and I had known of this diagnosis because of the poor sequestration and handling of information within my local NHS trust.

Beyond this, you strain every sinew within you not to be defined as a cancer patient, yet that is somewhat taken out of your control, my spirit, strong and commanding, willing with strength over the deprecations my body exhibits in symptoms of both the cancer and the treatment of it.

Chief among these side effects is fatigue that results in tiredness, irregular sleeping patterns, nocturnal insomnia, and a weakened timbre of voice in speaking, the urinary tract is slightly irritated, and bowel movements seem rather restricted.

Willing against bodily handicaps

Having determined I would attend church today as I could not last Sunday for the simple reason that I hardly slept the Saturday night before, the same was happening today. Unlike a fortnight ago, I knew I wouldn’t be walking to church, it was best to do this by Uber.

As the alarm clock went off, I did not bother to put it in snooze mode, I stopped the alarm and pondered whether it was beneficial to grab the sleep I could or rise to the challenge my body was unwilling to meet, but my spirit ruled against.

I rose and went to the bathroom for the essential ablutions. I bedecked myself in the apparel I wore for my last radiotherapy appointment on Friday before hailing an Uber ride to church. I arrived as the processional hymn was sung and sat beside a steward friend.

I only stood up for the gospel and for Communion, the collects in my saying lagged the congregation and no attempt was made to sing any of the hymns, my voice just could not modulate toward tuneful expression, it would have taken all the strength out of me.

The community, our church is

My absence last week left many quite concerned and I received messages and calls asking about my welfare. I was also not aware that many other members of the church knew I was having cancer treatment, and some were praying for me. I sometimes forget how closely knit our church community is.

If I had not attended church today, I would have had people at my door checking up on me, in a sense it is lovely to be noticed and missed. Next week is the Judges’ Service signifying the opening of the legal year. In other circumstances, I would have attended to steward the proceedings as it is a civil service, I think I’ll have a lie-in and recoup my strength.

Another Uber ride back home even in infirmity, let the weak say I am strong.

Thought Picnic: The spirit of living

In spirit of spirit

Spirit, beyond the being that we essentially are is that force of life that creates the situations and pathways that become the testimonies of gratitude and thankfulness we get to tell.

Enlivening spirit is the power and vision of hope, I saw it on the day that I received news of a condition that devastated the community to which I belong over 21 years ago, for against the stark contrast of foreboding and the mountain of impossibility that loomed in the foreground, I saw the light of dawn that said the story was not ending with the news I had just heard.

The spirit of revelation

The knowledge I have gained and the way I find myself reviewing that quantum of legacy in the face of new experiences is such that I am grateful that opening my mind to new perspectives brings new learning, insight, and wisdom to engender change.

One big lesson I have learnt is not to sit in the cocoon of a revelation for too long, every revelation belongs to an instant and a time frame, and it may not outlive its usefulness, but between the immutable that governs our faith and the changing that is the witness of our lives, a new light would always need to be shone on a situation.

When light is incidental on a prism, the beauty of the light is only realised in movement, the movement of the prism and the changing of your viewpoint and perspective, the light, the source of knowledge and inspiration remaining the same.

The revelations that gave me calmness in another period of adversity did not give me peace when brought to bear in other circumstances. Meditation has to be continuous as revelation needs to be renewed refuelling us for another journey in life.

The spirit of living

Coming back to spirit, it is no pleasure going through any period of adversity, difficulty, or incapacity, you almost feel that the world is closing in on you. Then sometimes, you must close yourself to the world around you and settle in the darkness and dampness of the soil in which you have been buried as seed.

A seed in the soil, watered by revelation and warmed by hope, sets in motion the cycle of life, new life, the sprouting of growth and the promise of a harvest in due time. I wonder at the spirit of life that sustains the health of our mortal being, the hopes we have, and the revelations that let us dare to dream, and then believe that those dreams can come true.

I marvel at the spirit of joy that lifts us above everything that deigns to hold us back and feigns at domineering us when we are more usually clueless about who we are and why we exist to reign and overcome. I am a spirit, I have the Spirit in me, and my spirit is triumphant as I find my place by the grace given to me to live and hide in God who is spirit and whom I seek to worship in spirit and in truth.

In Telling: The spirit that sustains

Strength from within

I sometimes think about the effects of illness and how vulnerability and infirmity change your outlook, your inadequacies are exposed in ways you can never have been prepared for, and you are left with just your spirit to sustain you through it all.

In many ways, you cannot account from further than the next tick of the clock, for the pain, you can only have so much medication to dull it without putting you into a stupor because you still need to function in some way.

Then you wonder about the incredible resilience of our being, for whether we survive or not, there is no accounting for the strength that we usually never know we had. It is like you are tested to the limit and then some, if your body can just tolerate what it is put to it, providence and fortune might give you a story to tell.

In the passage of time

I am humbled by my experience and then I think about the fact that when I went for the Spring booster the NHS website failed to provide adequate information for when I was registering, I am not considered in a vulnerable cohort of the immunosuppressed, because my CD4 count is not over double the minimum threshold, though I think my medical history should make me eligible.

Whether it is good or bad news is beside the point, what I cannot afford at any time is to contract the Coronavirus and so, I still wear my face mask in enclosed places, avoid crowded spaces, and take necessary precautions. That is just how life is today.

A story to tell

I was chatting to my best friend last week and he asked that I consider writing about serious illness, how people face it, and how we try to get beneficial outcomes against the onslaught of the medical establishment which may not always be acting in our favour, especially when the experts are too arrogant and self-important to listen to our own perspective of what we are going through and what it is we need.

I am not quite sure of how this would go, but I can only write about my own experience and I hope those who read my story might find something of help or usefulness, I guess that is just what I will do.

Cancer is a human experience, not a battle won or lost

In the great spirit of man

I did not know much about Chadwick Boseman or the body of work he had done. In fact, when Black Panther was a box office hit, I was still thinking of other representative films as Fences, Hidden Figures and Moonlight.

His passing at 43 after suffering stages of colon cancer diagnosed from 2016 during which he exhibited amazing acting prowess in seminal films is not only commendable but a show of stoicism and human spirit under great life-threatening affliction and infirmity. In the great spirit of man are such fortitude and immeasurable strength.

Cancer is not a battle

When I had Kaposi’s Sarcoma, a form of skin cancer as a result of HIV complications in 2009, I was 43, each time I read of people dying from cancer I find it difficult to appreciate the narrative of losing the battle to cancer.

As we live with it and sometimes live through it, it is rarely a battle, we are not at war, that some of us have survived it is one of great providence with many other factors of medicine, medical care, probably good fortune and even state of mind, but I did not cross swords with cancer and leave it vanquished.

We are given stories to tell

I will not pretend to speak for others who have survived cancer as I have, but what I know was at diagnosis, I was given 5 weeks to live, if my physiology did not respond to the treatment favourably. The consultant, however, was confident that if I did respond well, it would be fine. In just 5 weeks, I will mark the 11^th year of my first session of chemotherapy.

Cancer is a scourge on humanity, maybe even a terror and terrorist as it ravages our bodies and we are left at the mercies of many things outside our control except for our human spirit that remains a force of life until our bodies give in to find eternal rest.

For me, I have been given a story and the way I tell it is, cancer happens, it is part of life, some of us live it to the end and others come through it, but until we are gone, we are still here, to some a hope, to others a light, that it does not have to end with just that.

All experiences are gifts to medicine

Any death from cancer reveals our vulnerability even more, to such a young man, there are no easy answers but the fond memories and tributes we can offer in recognition of his life along with the support and sympathy we can offer his survivors.

In everyone’s experience is also some new knowledge for medicine to give us all new hopes for survival. That is what gave my consultant confidence at my prognosis and that is why I encourage inviting medical students to my consultations. I am a story of possibility not of triumphalism over cancer.

May the soul of Chadwick Boseman rest in peace.

Thought Picnic: Having the courage of your convictions

The spirit

There are very few people with the spirit of courage, a boldness and daring to venture out of their comfort zones in the quest for something different and new.

Sometimes, what leads people to chart a course of short-term loss and hurt for long term peace and fulfilment is the desire to absent themselves from those situations where they have comfortable and unchallenged, where the danger of being settled is the encroachment of the predictable and mundane.

Indeed, I have experienced scenarios where self-satisfied ease with encumbrance presages a future of being left behind and having no other options but to descend the rungs to climb if there is scope to embrace change.

The disrespect

However, the worst environment to be in is where you are easily held in contempt, where you’re used and abused, belittled, patronised and disrespected. I have known people of high office but of no grace, breeding or manners whose only means of validation is to seek to hold in contempt others who are more confident, self-assured and fearless.

It is not long before a better person in the know of who they are in person, personality and the personable would decide they are taking no more of that kind of nonsense, be it from so-called friends, colleagues, acquaintances, bosses or strangers.

The courage

It is neither hubris nor pride to determine you are better than to be treated in a particular way giving you the impetus to walk, to have the courage of one’s convictions and act on them without looking back out of fear, dread or anxiety is the making of achievement small and great. In such people, I find encouragement because to dare is to stand with principle, integrity and honour.

I salute those who are ready to disrupt the norm, introduce that temporary discomfort into their well-laid out schemes to achieve a better outcome and story. They discover that the earth is not flat, they face down uncertainty with a steely will to bring in new certainties, they take the first step in what might be a journey of indeterminable length and time, facing forwards and pressing on to a goal that is only in the eye of the mind.

The eagles

Thinking differently, listening attentively, speaking carefully, understanding intently and loving life with infectious passion. In the little things and the great things, they rarely recognise that they are beacons of the possibilities that gives others the daring to leap out of their comfort zones to embrace adventure and the unknown.

They are the living examples of that – One step for man, but a giant leap for mankind. Keep doing what you know to do, aspire, inspire and conspire to make the world a better place. The ducklings who suddenly realised they were eagles, from then, they took flight and became the kings of the air, in poise, grace and class.