In a bossy fragrance

Craving a shave

Creature of habit, I might well be and more, but I cannot really say. Yet, I find that I have done things for as long as I can remember out of nostalgia and just familiarity. In my youth, I would watch my father shave having mixed a powdered depilatory with water into a paste and applied it to his face, he was not a razor kind of man to my memory. Magic Shaving Powder it was.

After shaving, he would slap on Old Spice aftershave, I did not particularly acquire that tradition for my time. Now, I did not begin to grow a beard until I was in my 30s, a kind of late development not particularly congruent with my birth or my reaching puberty. I almost thought I would never have that rite of passage defining manhood or otherwise. Magic came to my aid for a while.

A whiff of masculinity

At my neighbour’s, an agemate who I visited often and that’s how I grew to be a fan of Ray Parker Jr, though, for deodorant, he used Brut by Fabergé original deodorant, now owned by Unilever. It had that easy yet light scent to it, that when I saw it about 2 decades ago, I did not hesitate to get it and I have used it since then.

It is now 26 years ago since I first visited Berlin where I met up with an old friend who was living at Karlshorst in the east and a rather daring place to be at night. He was going out with someone who worked in a perfumery, and he had a bag of bottles of cologne, eau de toilette, scents, fragrances, and perfumes, some that stank worse than a skunk.

I found the boss

Asked me to go through the bag and choose whatever I fancied and this was just when celebrity piss water was gaining some sort of prominence, but I was not into any of that. Of the lot, I chose Hugo Boss Number One eau de toilette and that has stood the test of time. Though for years, it has been made in England but unavailable in the stores.

I took to getting a bottle at the duty-free shops in Charles de Gaulle (CDG) International Airport, Paris where I have seen the price go up from around €35 to just under €75. I began to worry when I was running out, though I seemed to have a bottle to spare just because of the scarcity. Then on Saturday, I caught a glimpse of the packaging in my local Superdrug store, though that was on my way out, the price at £56, strewth!

Here I was considering returning some other time to buy it when I ventured on Amazon and it was going for £33.98 to be delivered the next day. It was a bargain and much as I like to shop in the high street, there are times, shopping online is just prudent and so I have a good stock of my eau de toilette for the foreseeable future. Habit and creature meet in one situation.

Magic shaving powder.

Old Spice Original After Shave.

Brut by Fabergé

Hugo Boss Number One

Gillette, my closest shaves and bloody nicks

Razors of choice

Gillette, “The best a man can get.” The tagline we all can remember even if it appears to have changed to something else we can’t be bothered to find memorable.

I get plenty of clean shaves of depilation but not much for the occasional disasters and mishaps. I switched from the Gillette Mach 3 razor when I took a nice length of fillet mignon off my scalp. I believed I could do no wrong with the Gillette Fusion 5 razor, 5 blades crafted for maximum protection, or so they intended.

Yet, no manufacturer can ever know what their customers might be up to with their products, for all the safety precautions they list to keep us all from harm. The Gillette Fusion 5 has enabled me lift gossamer-thin strips of skin so neatly off too many places to mention.

The cuts a man can get

A bit off my forehead the other day was where the razor would usually never visit, and I have hardly allowed it to heal and then this morning it was my ear. The tragus and the lower part of the lobule nicked in good, the best a man can get in getting cut.

The razor-edged revelations bleed almost profusely and scream to my nerves for attention that I cannot ignore for the stinging pain. For the ear, the only remedy was spray plaster generously sprayed on the wound as I gritted my teeth and the pain eased.

Whether I would let that heal before the night nurse in Bulawayo upbraids me, I don’t know. Now to check if my ear is still there.

Thought Picnic: An Ode to the Armpit Smoothener

Wax that chesty walk

I once suggested that those with a swagger of arrogance that involved pushing out their chests should have their chests waxed. My thinking being nothing will force that ribcage of the gibbon back to its intended structure faster than a good strip ripping the hairs violently off that chest – it should also make the man cry – serves him right.

It reminds of me of a classmate of mine in secondary school who from the first form walked around with an exuded chesty posture as if to make himself bigger than he really was, by the time we got to the fifth form, that chest had become the best part of what I would regretfully call a deformity, I do wonder if someone had to take a hammer to to the ribcage to set it back in place.

Death from the armpits shorn

In any case, I have never been waxed and I do not intend to suffer the indignity of beauty acquired through unbearable pain. However, depilatories are useful especially after someone saw me using a pair of scissors on the hairs of my armpit and came up with the weirdest superstitions I have ever heard ever – I risk the loss of a child if I trim my armpit hairs.

The correlation was completely beyond me apart from the fact that I could using my least adroit hand have the scissors do me some serious mischief in the cavity of my armpit and that would be more pain than I am willing to endure.

I then resorted to shaving, but shaving sticks do not adapt to the contours of the armpit and you are half a contortionist trying to pull the skin to allow for a flat surface to shave off the hair – it is hard work – honestly.

Creams and screams

So, depilatories it was, with the cautionary tale of timing and coarseness of hair between races and the particular about oneself. This is because, if you do not get it right, in removing all the hair, the standard advice is not to use the depilatory again for at least 36 hours.

I had also learnt to use latex gloves when applying the cream because years ago, having used my fingers, I forgot to wash off the cream properly and suffered severe burns which manifested on my first day of holiday – I could handle very little and was really uncomfortable.

The other discovery I made was until recently, I used branded depilatories that had to work on the hair for 5 to 7 minutes before it could be scraped off. Though I don’t use a scraper, I prefer to use a wet sponge in the shower, it is easier on my skin and I can readily wash it all off before I suffer any burns.

A third and a half

So, imagine my surprise when the shop had run out the branded product and I was left to choose the shop’s brand which was going for a third of the price and was effective in half the time. In most cases, the maximum time was 3 minutes whilst it was still quite easy on my skin.

I wonder if there is something to deal with nose hair, not that I am turning into a mammoth but I have seen many a homo-sapiens-mammoth with hairs sprouting out of their noses and ears like some other-world pre-evolution creature – I have to say my prayers, the words are spoken already.

ASGA - Advanced Shaving Gel Acronyms

They sprouted late

I could write a long story about shaving though I never really saw the need to shave until I was well past 25; I almost thought I would never have the need to shave.

Then the wayward desert sprouts of hair began to multiply and before I knew it, a beard was forming whilst I could still sport a flat-top crew-cut with a slightly pointed head.

The regimes of shaving started with clippers and all sorts of shavers, each with improved technologies until Philips introduced a wet shaving machine that allowed you to introduce the shaving gel as you passed the shaver around your face.

On top, there was the advent of male-pattern baldness, I decided inspired by snake-oil remedies for preventing hair-loss to take it all off and so my shaving became the complete removal of facial and scalp hair.

Losing hair battles

After a while I got fed up of using electric and battery-powered shavers especially when I had to deal with in-growing hair causing bumps. I even tried using depilatories which had their side effects of discomfort and then memories of my father using Magic shaving powder had me shopping for those in African shops though I was never one for Old Spice.

One evening in a hotel in Germany I had a 3-blade Gillette shaving razor and did my scalp and head in one go, that began my use of the razors and my preference for shaving gel over shaving foam.

That was the Gillette Mach 3 Turbo that I used according to instructions on the packet, one the strip faded, I replaced the razor, but after a few years of using that brand, one evening whilst preparing for dinner on holiday I took a clean 2 square centimetres off my scalp – it hurt like I had never felt pain before – the search for a better razor commenced after that.

Better than a scimitar

Gillette Mach 3 Power was simply the same razor, at least from my layman’s perspective acting like a shaving vibrator; sure, I did scoff at the idea because they were expensive, trendy but honestly quite silly.

So, one day I walked into a drug store and saw the Gillette Fusion, a 5-blade razor, that seemed like the ultimate razor, in fact, any more blades would have made it a follicular combine harvester but you cannot put it past these people and for the humongous cost, I eventually realised the razors were good for probably a 100% more shaves than the usage indicators suggested.

Having sorted out the razors, there was also the story of shaving gels, I easily settle for the Gillette brand shaving gels but those had more varieties than colours of rainbow offering every sort of comfort for the skin and labelled for the razor in order to bump up the prize – we really have been had on these matters.

I usually favoured gels with Aloe Vera and Vitamin E, I noticed on my holidays to Gran Canaria that Aloe Vera was literally a weed, it grew everywhere like grass in the strangest places and for all its natural properties for the skin and as a drink the real thing has an almost sickening smell when cut and it is one smell that sticks to your olfactory receptors for hours just as onions leave a marker on your hands for hours after peeling and cutting them.

King of Shaves

But long before I became a razor fan with the need for shaving gels, I was told of products from the King of Shaves that could deal with bumps and other skin irritation as a result of shaving. I started with the After Shave and the Moisturiser but never the shaving gel. In fact, I did start using King of Shaves when I was still living in the UK and because the products were not available in the Netherlands, I had to find alternatives.

Sometime ago, on one of my London sojourns, I saw a variety of King of Shaves products, got the usual ones and thought I will try the shaving gel. I never really got to use it until a few days ago and really it was yesterday that I bothered to read all the stuff on the tube.

What got me were the acronyms as I peered through the running shower to read the spiel – SSE v5.0, ALS², mDDS, MME & PSP. I was ready to risk the unusual expletive because looking at the acronyms one would have thought I was talking of software, probably some scientific process and something so complex that it would require the mathematical genius of a savant to unravel.

Really, King of Shaves, Azor, Advanced Shaving Gel, does take it to another level of marketing that is almost crass. I a hardly impressed with marketing sophistry, in fact, if I had read this before purchase, I most likely would have put it down for it pretentiousness but for the fact that I like other King of Shaves products.

Here goes

The one I have does not seem to be in stock anymore, though it seems Remington has it, but it is necessary to see what all those acronyms refer to.

King of Shaves Azor® Advanced Shaving Gel utilises SSE,™ v5.0 of our unique Skin Surface Enhancing technology, to deliver our best shave ever with ALS² (Advanced Lubrication System) and mDDS™ (micro Dual Delivery System) that helps protect, moisturize and lubricate your skin throughout the shave giving superlative razor performance and glide. Your face will be left amazingly smooth, supple and moisturized.This unique black gel with MME (Micro-Magnetically Enhanced) particles help the gel ‘stick’ to the blade throughout the shave.For best results use as part of the King of Shaves PSP™ (Prime, Shave, Protect) regime. PRIME: Shave during / after warm bath or shower and wash your face with King of Shaves Face Wash or Scrub. SHAVE: Squeeze a generous amount of Azor Gel onto hand and massage into wet beard. Shave carefully in direction of hair growth taking special care around the sensitive neck area. Rinse the blade frequently. PROTECT: After shaving, thoroughly rinse off, pat dry and protect skin with King of Shaves Moisturizer or Balm.

After which, you can be sure that you have not only had a close shave but you’ve been truly shaved. Phew!

I am all my hair

Afro, but not the real thing

I could not help but notice when I walked down one street in Antwerp and saw an Afro Hair Centre where all the hairdos advertised were variations of relaxed hair and none of the natural African look.

Now, I do know a lot about what real African hair is, not only on women but also on men. Though, I must say, James Brown’s hair never really did say it loud.

As the big brother when I was younger, my mother did all the plaiting and cornrows of my sisters, but I was co-opted in what might now be systemic child-abuse to lay out the threads in 1-metre lengths of threes with a knot at one end which was used to plait the hair in designs like Eko-bridge and so on.

My aunt eventually became a hairdresser when curling tongs were electronic goods in the late 70s, but I remember using a stretching comb on my sister’s hair having just taken it off the kerosene stove, and stretching the hair which had been drenched in Vaseline – the things we do for beauty.

Relax, it stinks

Then all these pungent and foul-smelling products for relaxing the hair came on the market from the United States, many a scalp was scalded with chemicals when instructions were read reminiscent of the person who shakes his body after taking the medicine when he should have shook the bottle for ingesting it – the things we really do for beauty.

Then men got into this game, I can proudly say, I never saw the need to relax my hair, all that wet look with hair dripping of some spray-on moisturizer was a complete put off – many used the pongiest of the products, this came from Wella, then.

All curly hairstyles

However, when it comes to natural men’s hair, you have to see the signs advertising different styles in African barber’s shops, there is no way any of those styles can be created without putting a wooden model on your head, but they work at it.

It once took 90 minutes to cut my hair in a barber’s shop very much like Desmonds, too much talk in a dialect of English I can hardly understand – I really do not have that much time. Then boys having their hair done in cornrows, do men really spend that much time on their hair?

Once, my father allowed for all my hair to be shaved off, parents sometimes do not know how rotten kids at school can be, I was called Jagoo for days as the hair returned mercifully, this was one protest I made to my father that really stuck – Good man.

In secondary school, barbers got it into their heads that students should have their hair cut short and then around the sides and back one extra inch of the border was shaved off that it looks like wearing a black dish – Pombe, it was called – those people have no sense of style.

Back to hair gone

The seminal moment about hair came to me when I watched a film where some purveyors of hair were marketing a chemical that restored lost hair in days.

Quite a few people took up this offer, but soon, the hair grew uncontrollably long and then we learnt as the man visited his barber, each time he put the scissors to the hair, he got bitten, the hair was in fact little snakes.

The cure for male pattern baldness was, in fact, a concoction that allowed human beings to be used as hosts for the incubation of a snake-like organism.

Since, as a black man, I do not have luxury of a comb-over, a sign of fools gone stupid or in some cases, as some lose hair on the front they grow more hair into a ponytail. Jasper Carrott put paid to my respecting anyone with a ponytail when he joked about what you see if you lifted a real ponytail. That is a joke that would make me go red in the face with shock but it is also a smart one.

If it’s going, it’s gone

I decided, learning from that film, if I ever began to see signs of my hair receding or a bald patch appearing somewhere in the middle, I would not agonise over it; I would take it all off. Imagine, the Jagoo, I could not bear to be called is now the Jagoo I create every two days with my Gillette shaving gel and Gillette Mach3 Turbo razors.

Mach3? What speed? I took almost a square inch off my scalp trying to shave in record time; Turbo? Turbines? Who comes up with these poncy macho names? Now, they’ve put a vibrator in the thing and it is called Gillette Mach3 Power – No thanks! I can handle my razor quite competently.

They are probably really the best a man can get, I only grew anything like a beard at 25 and it was not till I got these razors did my skin settle after a shave.

Obviously, I have heard of hair transplants, but not if I am going to look like Dame Elton and Regaine had a friend of mine regaining more hair on his back that it had to be shaved off every week.

As for toupees, I’ll rather have a blonde wig or a pancake, I would look better.

Natural works for me, the only problem being, I have no hairs to pull out when I am utterly exasperated at work, I might have to pluck my moustache – Ouch! That hurts.