Thought Picnic: Making allowances in support of others

Making every allowance

There is an aspect of character development that I strive to improve that is a work in progress, one where I am ready to make allowances with understanding and latitude rather than immediately assume, prejudge, and condemn.

I guess where I began that journey was when I realised that no matter what experiences I have had and how similar those experiences might be to another person, even if I could understand what they were going through, I could not equate my situation with theirs to the point that I felt my empathy fully embodies their circumstances. I must make allowances for variance and impact, or I risk dismissing their narrative in the context of mine.

Understand then appreciate

Part of that learning has included resisting the attempt to insert my story into their narrative even if I mean well by trying to assure them that they are not alone in their suffering. The art of listening attentively and registering with concern and humanity the experience of another is an exercise in both discipline and self-control we can all cultivate.

For instance, through personal experience, I know what pain is, the pain of cancer especially and the four different kinds of pain medication I took to alleviate the pain. When my pain medication patch fell off my skin, I laughed myself into almost delirium to generate endorphins as pain alleviated whilst the new patch took hold. Yet, pain affects people differently I try not to assume and assert I feel another’s pain just because I know pain, I understand what they are going through, but their experience can be so radically different from mine.

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Even where I do not understand what is being shared, I endeavour to learn rather than react and negate, it is better I work with my ignorance to acquire knowledge than project the pretence of being fully educated even if that might leave me looking stupid.

Be kind in questioning

That is not to say one does not have doubts or one is yet to be convinced, much as engagement is inadvertently the art of persuasion which might or might not be successful, the line of inquiry should engender a quest for understanding rather than an immediate and brutal antagonism especially where one has a sense of disagreement. I have to appreciate that to whatever extent in depth or superficially and only if I have clear discernment, whoever has engaged me has fully thought through what they intend.

The questions are phrased in ways to help clear the blind spots to provide additional insight I learnt from my professional life where implementations are assessed now on the premise of why they have done something in a particular way, but on whether they might have seen the significance of another perspective. Be careful not to repudiate and put people you would be working with on the defensive.

Exert yourself in support

It brings to mind a question I have dwelt on in terms of certain opinions, ideas, or plans that have been presented to me, how can I best support this person in their quest for whatever they have purposed to do? If at the time, I have nothing supportive to add, I should apply restraint, the least I can do is listen and be neutral, and I could go better with some encouragement, beyond which there are opportunities and a fuller engagement to help them achieve their goals.

Much of this includes having a lot of patience, and a readiness to allow people to move at their own pace while they sort out issues knowing that your support, understanding, and love are present whenever they choose to update you. In some way, I also realise that I cannot expect that from others, this is my personal character development programme, others are also doing whatever they can to relate better to others.

Thought Picnic: Parental Responsibility

The child of something

We really should latch on to the reality that the way children turn out cannot be entirely divorced from the upbringing offered by the parents, if those parents have had opportunity and purpose to rear that child.

In this Thought Picnic, allow me the levity of the simplistic analysis of parent-child relationships without the encumbrance of complex family units suffering all sorts of social pressures.

Many of us owe a great debt of gratitude to parents who have without training or instruction taken on that responsibility of parenting by offering support and encouragement whilst having the good sense not to offer supine excuses for wrongs and instilling the kind of discipline to make us worthwhile members of our communities.

Parental responsibility

Unfortunately, there are other parents who in allowing freedoms for their children to explore and learn have lost restraining authority by ingratiating their little angels regardless of how bad the behaviour of their ward becomes.

The child grows into thinking the world owes them nothing having been schooled in the concepts of boundless excess, unsupervised exploration, untrammelled desire and reckless behaviour without sanction.

At one time, one would think once the child has been allowed to stray into the realms of the unviable the parents would accept a modicum of culpability in how the child has turned out and if there can be no penance for their failings they would not defend the indefensible by breaking the law.

Now, one can understand that if the child has gotten into deep trouble the parent for their failings might offer some support, maybe to redeem their relationship with the wayward child – it should not be at any cost.

A crime so vile

In August 2007, a boy of 11 walking back home from a football match got shot in his neighbourhood – there was outrage and grief from the society in general that suddenly felt it had been robbed of an innocence, safety and sense of community.

Meanwhile, in that same community, the families of the perpetrators of that heinous crime clammed up and manufactured alibis and stories to exculpate and absolve their wards from guilt and blame.

It was the sterling work of the police that finally nabbed the teenage killer and his accomplice who with the help of their parents destroyed essential evidence that might have left murderers roaming the community with impunity.

Parental responsibility rewarded

The murderer and his accomplice were found guilty and jailed, but the arm of justice is not shortened as yesterday the mother of the killer and the parents of the accomplice were jailed for their part in protecting their little angels.

In what is the extreme of bad parenting and the parental absolution of their children for all they have done regardless of how bad and horrible, the children have now dragged their parents down with them giving life to the concept that a child might not necessarily be too different from its parent.

God forbid the thought but whilst a parent might not necessarily be overtly criminal, if the child turns out criminal, where the parents have had good involvement in bringing up the child – is the child the brood of criminals?

I ponder from my vantage point of not having been a parent and not planning on being one, I am however thankful for my parents, I do strive to make them proud rather than drag them down into ignominy, all because for all that they knew, they encouraged when necessary and restrained where appropriate.

Just another miserable old man

Miserably calling to order

It was not a discussion or conversation; it was an outburst of a concerned citizen.

Man: Can you take control of the child?

Woman: Take it easy, she is just a child.

Man: But this is a public place.

Woman: She is just having fun, what is your problem?

Man: You cannot just have a child running in and out of people’s legs, it is a public place.

Woman: Oh! Get away you miserable old man.

Man: You are completely irresponsible parent.

She walks away mouth out and mimicking the man – It is a public place.

Put a leash on the girl

Very much an incident as one walked the long concourse of the new St Pancras International Railway terminal.

This little girl hardly five had been running away recklessly weaving through the crowd without any sense of being under any control.

In an instant, she ran between the legs of a commuter tripping the person that she had a great fall and I did quite feel the pain of the fall whilst I thought to myself, I cannot afford to fall like that even if I was falling onto a bedded floor.

Her mother apologised profusely saying it was not the intention of her daughter to cause the fall just as the lady dusted off herself and tried to reclaim her dignity.

Nary a second after the incident, the girl off running again doing the same thing and as she ran round me that I had to stop, and therein was the outburst you read earlier.

Between expression and restraint

What I intended was achieved, she was kept close immediately after that exchange with her mother but there is a problem that gives great cause for concern that needs to be addressed on the matter of parenthood.

There is this unhealthy concept that children must be allowed to run free, express themselves and do whatever they can imagine or get up to without restraint.

A child would normally have boundless energy and some believe that there should be no boundaries to that self-expression as if the lack of restraint exposes the creative genius of the child which offers them the great opportunity to become a success.

There might be some truth in that, but releasing the boundless energy of an individual without providing parameters of operation within a community is the recipe for chaos and anarchy.

The need for some sense of control

It was all well and good for the girl to be able to run around, but if she cause the fall of others, who then is responsible for that accident and if it becomes a serious legal issue who should be held responsible?

Many might say, but it is a child which is true – but the child is the ward of some supposedly responsible adult who should for all reasons of safety and consideration ensure that the child comes to no harm just as much as it does not cause harm to others.

More so, having a kid run around in a vast station area like that could lead to more serious issues like kidnapping and really I am already inured to any sob story about a lost child.

If I had my way, any parent that inadvertently loses a child should be water-boarded till they confess to exactly what they have done to the child – after the case of Shannon Matthews [Wikipedia], it is unthinkable what these rotten animals that end up with perfectly adorable human offspring get up to.

Self-discovery without barriers

The matter of self-discovery is myriad from the positive parts of development that definitely needs good parenting, role models and positive reinforcement and encouragement to the more worrisome societal ills of juvenile delinquency, alcohol and drug abuse, gang membership to teenage pregnancy.

This is all in the name of the child being given the freedom to discover itself and by doing so hopefully becoming successful without necessarily becoming responsible members of society.

Many of us who frown on such bad manners and uncouth behaviour would get a mouthful of abuse and be called miserable old men or gits for standing up for what is right and in some ways expressing concern for the safety of the child and parent – this is a little price to pay before I see another parent sobbing on television for all sorts of reasons related to the child they failed to manage responsibly with a sense of parental responsibility.